| 8:36a |
stuff to think about
You know I thought our relationship was on a better track and come to find out that we are still just hanging in there on a thin line of what is called a relationship. See Saturday we had a big blow out again and he told me he was leaving again. See it started with sex, Thursday with all that had happened it was the first time I was uncomfortable with the way we had sex and it was the first time I was trying so hard for it to be over with. Then came saturday and all I could think about was thursday's episode and my mind wasn't in it and he knew it, so we didn't do it and he got mad. He told me he was done and didn't deserve to be treated this way because he loved me so much and I don't even like him, so of course we started talking and after fighting and I told him maybe I didn't like him at times because he wasn't nice to me, and the conversation went on for over 2 hours. He stayed, but I don't know if he will forever. I told him not to threaten to leave anymore, if he is going to do it, just do it. See I am not afraid anymore and I don't care if he does leave I will make it regardless and he thinks I won't, but I am strong enough to do this if I have too. So many thing are still up in the air.
I am sorry to do this to you, keep you up in the air, I just don't know if we are strong enough to fight this out.
Last night we got to talking about moving again and he had his drinks before the conversation and I knew what mood he was in adn he asked to take out 100 and go to the bar and I said no, and stuck to my words and it pissted him off and he starts in on me and I told him that we are not in a financial place for him to do that and so he starts talking trash, which I knew was coming. Well this morning, he thanked me for the first time for keeping him home, I told him I was only doing what was best for him and us and he understood. He knows what he is like when he drinks and he needs to stop and he knows this, maybe one day he will.
You know the sooner we get out of here, the better of I will be, I am to the point where I might tell off his mother for being stupid and his sister for being a crack whore. I am trying to keep my mouth shut, but now that S isn't living with us anymore I am not have to. See his mother can't stay away from S and called her mother up to find out why she removed her from our home and his sister told her that she didn't like things that were going on in the house and so she took her out. Sis feels that her parenting skills are so much better then ours (I guess that would explain why S lived with us for 7 months) anyway I know that his mother didn't back us up on our parenting skills because she doesn't want to get onto sis's bad side, so did it hurt my feelings, yes it did, I am a good mother and we have structure in this house. See the real reason for the move is sis had to babysit her youngest daughter 5 nights a week and was getting tired of it, so she moved S back in with her so that way she could get Grandma to start taking them at night so she could have her freedom again. It didn't take sis 24 hours before she had S call her grandma and ask for her and the little one to spend the night on sunday night. Thankfully grandma said no because she had something to do, but she will give in and the shit will continue from there. I don't pitty grandma anymore she brings it on herself, infact I want nothing to do with her and we have decided that we will not send the girls there anymore, it's not like she will ask anymore anyway since S isn't living with us anymore, that really was her only motive for it to begin with.
Well today like yesterday I am bring out the summer clothes, and I am getting rid of alot that I haven't worn in years. I tried on alot that I haven't worn and to my amazement they fit again, I feel good about that. Did I tell you that I did locks of love again, now my hair is shoulder length again, she chopped it off, wasn't happy about it, but it will grow back, she cut of like 15 inches, I only wanted 12 at the most. Oh well.
Well today A1 has her payoff game, I am hoping that they win, so she can play again. I know she wants to win. Well I have to go now, have to continue the dog run and get to doing my clothes. I love you and miss you very much. Good luck on your next test, remember that I am so proud of you!!!!!!!! |