| 8:30a |
Weekend update
I don't have much time to update, but here goes, first, the hubby and I caught a cold and it started on friday, boy what a mess that has been. This past week, I haven't smiled much and he noticed. Yesterday we had a talk and I told him how I felt. I told him how he makes me feel inferior and how he intimidates me with how he talks to me, he said I should do what ever will make me happy, I told him I wasn't happy, and he made me angry with what and how he says things to me. I cried and told him I was tried of not crying when I was upset. I gave him examples and I even told him how he twists what I say, needless to say I also told him that this marriage won't work unless both of us change. We were pretty clear with each other about this, I told him maybe I would see a someone so I could talk, he said whatever is going to make me happy. HE says this has benn going on for years, I agreed with him. I finally faced the truth with him, he said I don't even care about him and I said that I was angry with him. I don't know where this will go, he said that it had to do with money, I told him I was past that, I don't even care about that anymore, the only thing I care about is having a roof over our heads. I told him that I felt as though I embarass him and that is why I don't say anthing in public around his friends etc. I said it all and it felt good. We talked about alot yesterday, I guess it is out in the open now, he even talked about taking care of the girls while I go do whatever it is I need to do even if it is wrong. One of the last things we talked about was the family and I got the last word in this time, I said if we don't fix us, we have no family.
I'm not sure where this will take us, I know he knows now, that I am not the only one at fault here, and he knows now I will not take all the blame for this, it is both of us. I told him over and over again about the name calling and how it hurts me, and how he keeps doing it over and over, will he stop, I don't know. I guess he has a few months to figure this out because that is how long it would take for me to have the girls out of school and move. I guess this will be his last chance. If he is serious about this family, then he has to change too.
HE told me that I have never put myself in his shoes and thought about what he was thinking, I told him I can't I don't understand why he does what he does and therefore I can't see it through his eyes. I told him about how he called me trailer and that hurt, how I would be better off with the ex, he looked at me and said he has never said that, I looked straight at him and said"yes you have" HE didn't say much after that.
THe other drama is he still can't figure out weither or not he wants to stay here or not. I think he understands that if we don't fix this, there will be no future home, I can't live like this and he can't either and doesn't want too, I don't blame him, it is a suckie way to live. Now that he is at work, he can think about what was said yesterday and wheither or not he is ready to change too.
I guess what started this all was yesterday we had to drive around to different properties to take picture and he kept saying I didn't have much to say to him and haven't for awhile now, I told him I have nothing interesting to talk about, I go to the grocery store and that is it. What do i say, tell you what I bought. I am not living to my fullest and at this point he asked me what I wanted to do, I honestly told him that I wasn't even sure anymore. Later that day we when were talking, I told him that I was so use to him making any decision that I was just going along for the ride and I was tried of doing that, I don't know who I am anymore I just do whatever I can not to upset him and to keep the peace in the house, thats not a way to live, not anymore. Today I am going to find the time to watch the secret and start to stand up for myself, I have nothing to lose anymore, if he doesn't like it, we will work out the details to go our seperate ways. Even though I had a hard weekend it turned out good because now he knows that I love him, but not the shit he does to make me feel bad and he has to change too otherwise we are over. I love you and miss you and will keep you posted on any changes that there is and should he think long and hard about his faults and decides he is not willing to change, then I will let you know. I 'm sorry I keep bringing you in with this drama, I just don't have anyone to talk to except you and I know that you are here for me and the girls. I Love you very much. |