| 9:12a |
The wall is getting higher
You know from past experiance I have know now that if there is any chance at making my relationships last, I know that I can not start the wall. It doesn't look like he is giving me an option on this anymore. You know I heard on Dr. Phil the other day that you let people treat you the way they do. That is so true. I guess in the beginning I was strong and spoke my mind, but after years of him having to win every conversation, I learned to just not say anything, or say how I felt. Well last night was a little different.
Last night at dinner since A1 and S were at grandmas, he brought up to the twins, how he thinks they are not ready for junior high and how they should repeat 5th grade. What is up with that. HE said the "mommy and I were thinking that maybe you two should repeat 5th grade" he knows I don't feel that way, but I kept my mouth shut for over 5 minutes. He kept asking them questions and telling them that they were to immature to go into 6th and I could see the hurt in there eyes, and could only imagine what they were thinking. I was sad for them. after about 5 minutes I nudged him in the leg and he looked at me and I gave him the look to stop what he was doing. He didn't, a few minutes I nudged him again and then he said well what do you have to say, I asked him if he was sure he wanted me to say my opinon and he said yea, why not. So I began with, I think they will be just fine, they have each other and will work it out, and thats when the arguement began, after I defended them for a bit, A3 says "I agree with mommy" and cleared her plate from the table and the 2 girls left the room. that is when he layed it into me, about how I don't know what I was talking about and if that is what I believe then he could no longer trust my judgement. Are you frinken kidding me, you can't trust my judgement, then so be it. He said I was acting like mom, I told him I wasn't my mother, I was nothing like her, my bond between my girls is closer then I ever had with my mother. I told him if they had questions they could ask us, and his comment to that was, ask who?, I said you or I, then he said then you must be crazy, they aren't going to ask me any questions. We went on about this for 15 minutes, I didn't back down and I didn't cave in, and that made him mad. Oh well, I'm tried of him beating down there confidence and that was all he was doing. I truly believe the two of them will be just fine together. He did say that I needed to cut the twin shit out, and I said I wouldn't because they would always have a best friend and they will stick together and that is what you and I did, that is what got us through life, I know that for a fact. I won't ever let them forget that either, they have each other.
HE is out working again today, I have been house bound for the last 2 days, haven't gone out of the house. ther again that is my life.
Just a note on this new business, he says there is so much to do. Can you believe that he is looking to buy a new truck for him employee and we can't even make our truck, suv, health insurance, loan payments (3) credit card bills and life insurance payments this month and he want to buy a new truck. I told him he was on his own on this one. I will not apply for another thing, besides I won't get approved because I have defaulted on so many payments now. I know in my heart it is unfortunate, that this will not have a good ending.
I thought about starting to read, Dr. phils self help book. I think it is time, I wondered if I should read relationship resuce first to see if there is hope for us. Maybe I am just plain crazy. You know I was thinking about money and I was kinda excited about this tax check that was going out in may, you should receive 1800 and I was looking at 2100. But then I realized I won't see a dime of it, it will go towards the debt he owes them and knock down the balance is all. That sucks I was really hoping I could have cashed that and sent you a portion of it, so now I will have to find money another way.
Hey, I love you sis and I will talk to you soon, he is on his way home so I need to close for today. I was thinking about starting a letter to KH and dad, not sure what I would say, but maybe put it out there, what do you think? I talked to dad yesterday to wish him a belated Happy b-day. He had a since of peace about him, I miss that with me and all it makes me want to do is cry. I watched this movie yesterday called "only if" boy did that make me cry. anyway, i have to go before I get caught, I love you and miss you. |