| 8:34a |
long update
So, congrats on the tickets that is pretty cool. So I have to ask if and when it happens how does your hubby feel about it. I know he wouldn't have much say, but I don't want him to be unhappy if we were to come.
You know alot has made me think and right now at this point in my life when we do talk and the hubby starts talking about the future, a year from now, or two years from now, I have such a hard time thinking past 6 months. I can feel the walls building and once they are up, they don't come down, at least they never have in the past. Which sucks for him. Why does it come to this, how do you tell the girls. A1 keeps asking for me to write her a check for lunches for school and all I tell her is to make her lunch, she asked this morning why I won't and all I said was because I wasn't going too.
Talking to his mother this past weekend, we came to the agreement that they want to be our worlds and they make you become so lost in them, you end up not knowing who you are anymore. See once he is home if you are not in the same room as he is, then they squak about it. your world needs to revolve around them. What they want to do, we do and that is the way it is. I know I have lost myself, there is no doubt in my mind. If I were to read a self help book all I would hear about is how I am not strong enough. My concern if I were to read a self help book, is that I may find myself again and that would end my marriage if he didn't change.
This past weekend was a test for me, and with that I know I passed it. Let me tell you what happened. His mother came over and dropped off the kids since they spent the night with her. Well there were to many dogs in the living room so together we went to our bedroom to put some up and when we got in there we got them up except for one, she didn't want to go in and everytime you tired to put her in she would push her way out. Well he was getting pissed and I mean really pissed at her and I knew that I should step in otherwise he was likely to do something that he would have regret. and in all honesty, she really is a sweet, sweet girl. Anyway, she got away from him and ran to our bedroom door, he goes after her and so did I , I kept telling him "let me do it, I will get her in" and being really pissed he tells me "get out of my way. Get the F--k out of the way before I throw her across the room" Keep in mind he yelled this at me, well the thing I did was get out of the way and then said "don't talk to me that way" in a quite voice. I waited till the dog was safely in her kennel then went out to the kitchen lead by him of course. I guess the thing about it was his mom was in the kitchen I know she must have heard him yell at me, because it wasn't a few minutes later that she said she should go home now. Her hearing that would be nothing new, I'm sure she gets it once in awhile too. But we didn't talk until after she left. the first thing he says to me when were we alone, was "why the f--k do you do that?" Of course, it was my fault in his eyes and I didn't see it that way, my responce was "I didn't want you to hurt her (which he didn't) and regret it later, because you would have. I could have got her in just fine" There was silence for a few minutes and then I heard these words I know I have not heard before in this type of situation which was "I'm sorry things ended up like that" I know that was hard for him, because he never says I'm sorry when he is an asshole. But this time, I didn't even feel any pain associated with what had happened. It was after that when I walked into the girls room that I heard that song I was telling you about, I heard it at least twice, once in A2 and A3's room and then later in A1's room, when I was putting dogs up. Would you call that a serious sign. I guess since that I feel less and less, I guess It has started, the building of walls.
You know the hardest thing will be to tell the girls all 4, then his parents, what do I do go to them and say to his mother, I guess I am not as strong as you are and I can no longer feel this way. What do you say to the girls, I'm sorry, I have failed you again. You know one thing, the girls love you and your hubby very much they tell "S" all the time how you are the fun one of us two. and now "S" wants to meet the funnier one of us. They talk about how much fun your hubby is and how they can't wait to see you guys again. Even "S" wants to meet you, being I am the fun hater in the family, at least that is what I am known for here.
A1 is doing really well in basketball, she started for awhile, but now she is not consistant with her playing. Now the girl that is starting, she is worse then A1, but because she played last year for him, she is starting. I feel bad for A1, but if she wants it bad enough she will work harder for it. A2 and A3 are doing great. They truly are good kids. They seem so happy together. S is doing better too, she is starting to voice her opinon more which is a milestone for her.
Did I tell you we are going out on our own, we will nolonger be in business with his partner. I think is partner is nothing but an asshole anyway. He is so self centered it's unreal. When we cut check this past month, this asshole knew it didn't even cover our mortage and he didn't offer to give an advance since every month 10 percent of the profits are left in the account, so there was enough to at least give us an advance to get us by. But no, he didn't say a thing. He doesn't care about our situation. Yesterday, we cut our self an advance so the hubby could get our business started. I took some of that to pay our utilities that were already late, and I am hoping that after today, there will be money left over to pay the cell bill and the car insurance. I know that there is a good chance that our car payments will not be made this month, but he doesn't seem to concerned with it. So me, I just let it be, there is nothing that I can do about it. That job that I thought I would get, they haven't called and they were wanting me to start on the first. I haven't made contact with them because I know if they were to call, now that we are going out on our own, he will want me home. I feel as though I have not left this house very much these past 2 weeks, I feel like I am looked up in the house with no where to go. With yesterdays money I went to the grocery store and got a few thing, were almost out of food, so I needed to get a few things. I didn't want to spend too much, because I wanted to pay a few bill that were overdue, so I kept it simple.
I am sorry that I keep going on and on. I know you are probably bored, but this is my only release to say exactly how I feel and what I am thinking. I love you, but I must go for now, have to switch out dogs (dog run). I love you and thanks for being there for me. |