| 2:17p |
Promises
I know it is tuff and he knows that I am feeling the pressure of this all. He keeps saying that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I want so badly to believe him. Why do I do that. At the same time it is so hard to see it. HE is applying for a loan and he knows he can have no help from me due to the fact that I have not paid the insitution he is going to there money in over 3 months.
LAst night was a hard night for me, my back was hurting so bad and that was because the dog sleeps on the bed at night and he makes me so uncomfortable and I finally paid the price last night. Then today I ate a bowl of cereal at 11 am and by 15 after I was feeling sick to my stomach. I know that it is related to the stress that I have. I do nothing that is productive during the day, I can't go anywhere because that would require money and I don't have it. THese past few days since our conversation I have thought of everything non stop. I think what I will start doing is trying to send you money anytime I get paid weither it is 50 dollar or what ever I can spare. I will get a money order and send it to you, you will have to cash it and hold the money for me, because down the road I may need it. if I do send you any, it can only be used for me and the girls when and if the time comes. you have to promise me that.
I have thought over the days on how too leave and what I would take, but I can't seem to want to put it into motion on when or how. I guess I wait for him to get upset and treaten to leave me for the 20th time. Tell me that I am no good, and the more he tells me, the more I plan to do just that. I guess for now I am giving him the benefit of the doubt and just maybe he will wake up and realize who and what he does have.
you know he tells me that I am this way because we are broke, he tells me it is all about the money and that is all I care about. It is not that way, that is not how I feel, it has never been about the money, Money doesn't make me happy, he would if he could get it through his thick skull. I think all the time how if it weren't for me and my credit we would have nothing of what we have. Everything is in my name, all 3 houses that we have had, the trailer, the quad, the cars, the credit cards and because of that I now have nothing to my name, and he continues to build his. HE might have to go to his father and ask him to co-sign a loan with him, I wonder what story he will give him, whatever it may be I will have to go along with it. I keep telling my self that I need to peep up and get happy otherwise it will create a fight and I am to tired to get into one, so I think Iam going to go watch a happy movie being that is what I am good for and try to be in a better mood. Maybe tomorrow I will work on my computer skills, I know that needs work, I want to improve my wpm and get good at that at least. I am sorry that I have brought you into this, one day It will get better. I have to go now, A1 will be home in a few minutes. Love you |