| 11:25a |
Lots to think about
I am still not sure that I want or that you should involve dad with this, I don't believe I am ready yet and I don't want you to tell him. I have my reasons. I am not saying that I am in the greatest place to make decisions, but I think that it is my choice and right now for my peice of mind and the girls, I am not ready. I have done nothing but think about it for the last 24 hours, how I would tell him, how I should tell him(dad) how I would do this, if I want to do this, I just don't know what I want to do and until I am sure of it, I don't want to make any rash decisions. I don't want you to make them for me either. I truely have thought about this for the past day, I can't get it out of my mind, and until I can rest peacefully, it won't be out of my mind. Don't do it for me let me do it when I am ready.
I know what I should do and that is to get out of the relationship, but I am not ready yet. Thinking of this for the last day has made me relize that I am scared of him. He is not physcially abusive but he is emotionally and mentally, I know that now. It isn't right and it won't be. Yesterday, we talked after he got home from work and the most amazing thing happened I listened to every word he said and he finally fessed up to one thing. Of course it was again about bills, he was amazed that I could pay the mortage, I pulled it off he said, I told him at that point now all we had to do was figure out how we were going to put food in the fridge. Ithen we got on the subject of his partner and his wife and he mentioned that she works and I said I would have worked months ago and he said that he was the one that prevented me from working, his excuse first was that he needed me then corrected it to say the kids and he needed me to take care of them. I know with him it is control, I know this now, but the one thing that gets to me is why I am so scared of him. you can't tell him things or what is really on my mind, only what he wants to hear, why is that. I guess he has programmed me the way he wants.
You know this morning I thought of what I would do differently if we were not together and to me it is nothing more then the simply things, I would wear makeup, not because I needed too, but because I wanted too. The too times I went on my interviews I wore makeup but wiped it off before I got home. I would straighten my hair, because I wanted too.
Got to go I think he is home.... |