| 8:27a |
I know now
So I couldn't stand the way he was acting to me, all day I asked if anything was wrong and he kept saying no, so we finally went to bed last night and I leaned over to give him a kiss as we do every night and I got a cold kiss from him. So I asked what is wrong? Basically what it comes down to is that we have a shitty relationship and it's not going to change he says, so....... I wanted to cry, but didn't because then it would have caused more problems, and I have enough already, so I closed my eyes and fell asleep. It hurts me so bad in my heart right now to watch him talk to the dogs with love and praise and I get nothing. so in other words the dogs are treated better then I am and that hurts but that is the way it has always been. I want to cry as I write this because it seems so unfair, I know life is unfair, but it's not suppose to be like this!! It's not going to change I know that because I know what he is thinking, it is me who would have to change in order to put things back the way they were, as I stated in yesterdays journal, on the ride home from going out on a crappy date, he always tells me how he truly thinks and feels and because I am not as sexually active as he would like he basis that as a relationship. I am not happy and I can't just be in the mood because that is what a married couple is suppose to do. After years of being talked down to and called names or made to feel stupid, I guess you almost have to change to be that way, that way when he says that to you, you can't disagree because you already feel that way, nothing but a big disappointment to yourself and him and your children. I don't know what to do right now, I guess I have desided that for now, if that is how he is going to act towards me, I will do it in return. I am not going to change right now, I have no reason to.
So another thing that is on my mind is the money issue. I guess owning your own business is good and bad. THis months pay is really bad. So I did the figures and found out that we will cut checks today and our check will be about 1000 less then our mortage payment, so will we put the rest on a credit card most likely, but what about all the other payments that we owe the other 7000 that we need to make miniums due. I have not paid 5 credit card bills in 4 months, I can't, I don't have it. It sucks that they call almost hourly all day long, I don't answer, what am I going to say, send me to collections cause I can't pay. When the girls see the phone number that calls in I tell them they are teller marketers and need to get on phone number on the do not call list, that way they won't know what is really going on. I have to do something. I even thaought of calling dad to talk to him about our situation but he would tell the whole family and then I would be so embarrassed. I wish sometimes the hubby would just let me cry without makeing me feel stupid and weak about it it, but it is all bottled up and it hurts.
I know now, that with what was said last night, we will still have a blow out, he won't be able to help himself once he gets a few too many in him, so I know I must brace for it, for this weekend will be one of tears. I love you sis and miss you so much. I need help and don't know where and how to do it. |