| 7:33a |
it's been awhile
So, so many things have changed and happened over the holiday's. It has come down to this, we will not be moving. there is no way we can afford to live there again and in all honestity, i don't want to live there again. I can't handle the storms. When the ice shut the state down a couple of weeks ago, I was glad I wasn't there. our friends were without power for over 3 days. if we were there, that would have sucked for me, because I would have been at home all day trying to figure out how to get water for the kids and animals. see no power you have no well, no heat no nothing. so was I glad i was here, hell yah. besides the winters, i can't stand the storms they have. I would be better off taking a xanex and sleeping in the shelter to keep my sanity because it really did scare the shit out of me.
I withdrew my appllication from the state before christmas i guess i really didn't want to drive an hour each day, have to pay for aprking, the gas would have made it useless to take it, i would have gone under with day care too. Yesterday, the hubby did piss me off and doesn't know it yet. I was getting into the shower and he called so I talked to him for just a minute and found out that I will no longer be accepting the job for the asst. manager position (this is not by choice). I was really looking forward to going to work for this company, I would have had benefit's, 14 an hour plus commission and bonuses and I would have been monday through friday off on weekends. how much better can that get. so this is how it went down. he told me his location and that was right around the property that i was going to go to and then he said oh my god you won't belive what a shit hole these properties are(talking about all 6 they have), it reminds me of your previous employer that he could not stand (with a passion). you don't want to work for them. which in hubby language is you are not working here without having to fight about it over and over and over again. see you have to understand, he will state his opinon in a way so that his way wins and you have to tell him that you will not work there and that way he is not resposible for making the choice, you are. I am angry about this. I have not confronted him about it yet, don't know how to with out starting a fight and right now i am almost sure that i want to fight about it. I know if I were to go against his wishes, that he would make my life even more of a hell by not helping with the kids and getting them off to school and so on. you know were over at his parents house and we were talking about this job opportunity (this was before christmas) his father read me well after I told him about it and his father says that it looks like my mind was made up about it and then the hubby throws a tantrum and says well this is news to me and then i had to back uo the hubby and said, we still really haven't talked about it in full. (knowing I had made my mind up because of the financial situation were in) when we got home he asked me why i made him look like an ass in front of his father, told him I didn't mean too. ( I want to cry) everytime I talk about him being the way he is it makes me sad. it makes me angry and makes me want to leave and then I have an attitude towards him and he can feel it and then I have to pretend that life is great on I have no worries, which is such a lie. When his mom and I talk and we do alot because she is in the same boat I am it angers me to know that it won't change ever. I know I have lost all self control, he has it. I don't go or do anything without him knowing and i am at his beck and call, if he calls and i don't answer, then he gets upset.
Right before christmas i caught him in 2 lies, and they were straight to my face lies. one was about how much money he had taken out of the account as in atm, he told me one amount and when i called the bank, it was much more and then the other was A1 started her period on the 13th of december, we found out 5 days later by accident and she was at BB practice when we found out and when he went to pick her up before he left he asked if he could talk to her about it and i said yes. well, knowing she got out of practice at 7pm and it was 7:45 pm and they weren't home I called him and he told me that he was in the parking lot talking to her and I said ok and they arrived 30 minutes later. A1 walks into the living room with a couple bags and starts showing me these new shoes and 2 new tops and I asked what they were for and she said daddy had bought them for an early christmas present. See what happened was when i called they were talking in the parking lot they were shopping and he brought A1 into this lie that way I wouldn't get mad, but i did. I felt that he over did it and that it was not necessary to do all that. see the shoe were 60 a piece and the 2 shirts one was 60 and 1 was 40. 4 items for $220. how outragous is that. but thats not the point now A1 knows it is ok to lie to me that way I won't get upset and he looks like the hero and the sain one. upsetting, that is all Ican say.
As for the girls, they are all ok, they had a nice christmas and new year, they were happy with what they got they didn't ask for much.
hey, I have to go now, I sorry i am so self centered right now, i guess i am just angry for the way things are and to be honest i did this to myself. I just want things to change for the better and it looks so bleek. I love and miss you so much. I will talk to you soon. |