| 10:06a |
Just an update
So, right now I have the weight of the world on my shoulders (so it seems)! I wake up with a neck ache and stiff back, but that can be anything besides stress, but there again I know better. I never told you about our fight we had, I guess I was trying to forget that it even happened but can't. I guess it started almost 2 weeks ago this thursday. We went to bed that night, I knew I was going to have to have sex being that he mentioned it earlier in the day. So I do my part, but the heart wasn't in it and he knew. So it didn't happen and I fell asleep. HE got out of bed after I did and I guess wrote a list of 37 things that he was sorry for that he had caused me since we have been married. examples were, screwing up my credit, taking me out of the perfect life I had prior to him coming into it, being apart of the girls lives etc. HE didn't go back to sleep until about 3am and got up at 5. I didn't know that he was up, once I am a sleep I don't wake up for nothing.
He goes to work the next day and once I woke up I knew what mood he was in so I watch my p's and q's not to say anything that would upset him, I know better than that. So during the day we talk and he asked if I wanted to go out that night, to try and smooth things over I say sure, knowing that wouldn't be a good idea. so we do go out and then that is whenn it got out of hand.
We went ot a bar spent money we didn't have and he drank as usual, i am always the designated driver. After 4 hours, it was time to go, i knew ithe didn't, he threw a fit because I made him leave and as always, the ride home sucks. he starts in about how much better I was off with out him, how his own wife doesn't even want to have sex with him and all he can think about is me. See you have to understand, if he could have it daily, he would want it twice daily. Right now I have to have it at least 2 times a week to hold him over.
To get back to it, we fought and he said what I thought was mean things and kept telling me that it was over for us, that he cann't do it anymore and so after alot of tears, as were sitting in the car and I am getting ready to get out I tell him fine, if that is what you want, then the girls and I will leave. I could listen to no more, I get out and he does then he got angry like I have never seen before, he throws his smokes and starts on about us. I really thought that is what he wanted, he kept on about how he can't live this way anymore when we were in the car and I tell him that and it's like I wasn't suppose to say that. What does he want from me? The fight didn't end there, it contiued for another hour or so, and all I got out of it wa confussion on what he wants, I don't know. I still don't to this day. Where we stand, who knows. So long I can have sex at least 2 times weekly, things will be semi peaceful for now.
So on to better things, A1 tried out for the BB team at her school and made it. there was over 75 girls and she made the team of 12. I am happy for her, this is what she wanted to be apart of something and she did it.
A1 and S have been fighting alot lately, A1 is jealous of all the things that grandma buys her when she stays over. Needless to say this is how it is. S doesn't have a mom or dad that gives a shit about her and so grandma favors her and will baby her until the end of time. S can do no wrong by grandma. I talked with her and tried to explain that to A1 to put yourself in her place and think about how it would feel, to live with your aunt and uncle and cousins, whom you didn't know until you moved in with them and think about if your mom and dad didn't give a shit, it is sad to think that she even has to go through this as a child.
The truth of it is, which none of the girls know about is, that if S wasn't living with us, then we would have no part in grandma and grandpa B's lives unless we made the effort. I guess the same if for our father and mother. This past weekend we moved all the girls around, A2 and A3 are now rooming together and A1 and S have been separted to stop some of the fighting. That is what we did on saturday, what fun.
So tomorrow I have an interview at 1pm. it is for an asst. managers job. The manager that I spoke with over the phone said to me "do you realize that you are way over quailfied for this job" I wanted to say, yes I know, everyone keeps telling me that, but I said, I know, but you have to start smewhere, being I have been out of the business for awhile. it should pay around 13 an hour and have bonuses and commissions, so we will see, wish me luck, I need this more then you can know. THis will get me out of the house and making money to help with the bills, say a little pray for me. I also have a test scheduled for thursday with the state to work as a legal secretary. So if this one doesn't go well then I will take that test and try for that job. I would rather have the apt. job, i think it would be better. The lady that set up the job said I have to WOW her, so we will see if she will offer it to me. Well I have to go now love you much more then you'll ever know!!!!!!! |