| 12:57p |
What if I would have done things Differently?
That has been on my mind today, WHAT IF? it even goes back as far as when i was in high school and this guy(he was in the military) and I was only 17 wanted to go out and I blew him off and said lets be friends, then I get hooked up with the first guy to break my heart but gave me a child, I have to think how stupid I must have been back then, i was so screwed in the head. Then you take that break up and then move into a another mistake, what is it about me, even my husband now said all I was, was a shit magnet, and the thing about that is it is true. So then I met this guy a few years back was willing to take care of the girls and I had nothing on his mind but making me happy and what happens, I was not attracted to him, maybe I just have tunnel vision for the shit heads. Who knows, so many things could have been different I guess, the one thing I do know, my life is as it is suppose to be.
MY DREAMS TELL ME THAT. Every now and then i live what i dreamnt in the past, i guess that way at least these screw ups are what i have to go through to find true happiness. It just hurts sometimes. like last night my husband did it to me again, I said something ont he phone to him and he asks if i'm on crack, he might as well ask me " what are you stupid or something" because that is what he means, he's right and I was wrong and stupid. Needless to say, i cried, that hurts when he makes me feel so stupid, i guess when he gets back, i need to say something otherwise it's just going to get bad from there.
He drove to florida on his days off, he is headed back right now, it is amazing how I live the life of a double standard. It is ok for him to up and leave when he wants, but myself, it is unthinkable. He will hunt when he wants, he will tell me that he is going hunting and when I want to go to the frickin store i have to clear it first with the boss. I need to make some changes and fast it is only going down hill from here.
I guess there is a ray of light, yesterday I brought a new member into the family. His name is SUNNY, he is a baby kitten, 1 pound 4 oz. about 7 weeks. cream colored with gray tipped ears. This was my want, I went ot go pick up dog food and the guy asked me if I wanted him. Of course I didn't make the decision on the spot I had to call the Hubby who was on his way to Florida and ask, he tried to talk me out of it by saying its gonna cost money to take him to the vet and make sure he isn't sick and where are you going to put him, and he even said it sound like nothing more then a pain in the ass. I stuck to my guns, i wanted him, and he was going to go home with me after I get the vets OK. So I took him home with me.
The girls fell in love with him just as I did, he reminded me of Spaz and yesterday while I was with him all I could think of was "spaz would be proud" . I wasn't out looking for him, he was just there, so I felt like it was fate that had brought us together. I also thought about how many time my boss had brought over a dog for my husband to train and then said I don't want him and my husband decided to keep another dog. This little kitten wasn't gonna be a problem, he is a blessing to me and the girls.
Last night I watch this movie called Touched and it was awesome, sis you should watch it.
Tonight after work I get to go home, clean kennels, feed the animals, do laundry and wash the kitten oh yah, i also have to feed the kids so there is cooking dinner, boy I am going to be tired tonight, I also would like to watch a movie. Who knows what will happen tonight. The hubby will be back in town sometime between midnight and 6am so all i can say is have patience with him and with the children.
I am feeling sad today as it might show, i hope I can get out of this funk I seem to be in, I want to go home it is boring at work, there is nothing to do and I am a person that has to stay busy. Well I guess I will go for now, I will talk to you later. |