Sun Flower's Blurty
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Friday, February 10th, 2006
| Time |
Event |
| 11:26a |
Another talk at Midnight
Yesterday evening after out parent teacher conf. we went home, ate dinner, watched survior, then I continued to watch CSI, my husband played on the net and talked to his dad. He was on the net and phone for quite some time. About 9:15pm, i decided to go get in bed, because I was tried, so I took a few of the dogs and layed in bed and watched some TV. Needless to say I feel asleep. It was about 12:15am, My husband came to bed and I think he woke me up, because I don't wake up easily, and at that time wanted to talk about us.
I HAVE TO GO DROP THE CAR OFF FOR AN OIL CHANGE, I WILL WRITE MORE SOON | | 1:15p |
cont.
Well this first thing he says, is I just disappeared, which I did. I didn't say I was going to bed, I just went. Then he gets into bed and let me remind you that I am dead to the world, can barley keep my eyes open and he starts going on about how we are not the same as we use to be and how unhappy I seem and how we can sell everything and go our own ways. I didn't respond to him, because my concentration was on keeping my eyes open. I told him I loved him and I couldn't give him a reason to why things were the way they were. I guess I just didn't want to get into it with him if I knew I wasn't going to be able to keep my eyes open. He gave up after that and I went to sleep.
I know that this weekend will bring another talk and or fight, I just don't know which one it will be. I don't want to give up, I don't want to feel like more of a failure then I already do. I do love him, I just want things to change, I want him to understand me, not tell me who I should be. I don't know maybe this weekend will be some sort of turning point in my life.
I don't want to leave, I know besides my marriage I do like it here, I know the kids do, if only there wasn't so much bitching going around. He tells me all the time, that he gives up on ting to mold the children into the great kids they should be. I know they have there faults we all do, we are all aware of the faults we have, so it would be to better ourselves, not beat up ourselves for our faults. I guess I am to optimistic and he is not.
I was thinking on the way to work today, I know what my problem is, I am waiting for him to give me a good soild reason. With the ex, I finally had enough and he was not willing to help and I went to couseling and became strong enough to leave, and I guess I just am not the same person I use to be. I'm not sure I don't bring this on myself. Am I the one who creates this type of life, I know my husband thinks so, because my mother does, and he says I am more like her, then I would admit to. Then the question would be how do I stop myself from ruining my life. I don't want to be single, divorced and struggling as I always have in the past. I don't want to hurt anymore either. I guess I need to seek some help on how to fix my problems, verses leaving them behind.
I don't want to be alone, I love my husband, I jsut wish he would stop tring to control me so much. I don't want to leave, I like my life here, I just want to be happy about it. I think most of the time it is all in my head, and I am the one that needs to change. I guess it is time for me to step up and make a change for me and for my girls. I think I need to go to couseling again to help me get my life into prespective again, because I don't have control over it and I need that inorder to do something postive with my life.
I may bitch and grip about the things he does but I love him and for some odd reason I wish that he will change for me, love me for who I am and what I do. If I want to wear makeup don't say anything about it, if I want to straigten my hair, tell me I look pretty, If I want to lose 10 pounds motivate me, don't tell me I don't need to and most of all, don't ever mention that I am turning out like my mother. | | 2:41p |
cont.
Well this first thing he says, is I just disappeared, which I did. I didn't say I was going to bed, I just went. Then he gets into bed and let me remind you that I am dead to the world, can barley keep my eyes open and he starts going on about how we are not the same as we use to be and how unhappy I seem and how we can sell everything and go our own ways. I didn't respond to him, because my concentration was on keeping my eyes open. I told him I loved him and I couldn't give him a reason to why things were the way they were. I guess I just didn't want to get into it with him if I knew I wasn't going to be able to keep my eyes open. He gave up after that and I went to sleep.
I know that this weekend will bring another talk and or fight, I just don't know which one it will be. I don't want to give up, I don't want to feel like more of a failure then I already do. I do love him, I just want things to change, I want him to understand me, not tell me who I should be. I don't know maybe this weekend will be some sort of turning point in my life.
I don't want to leave, I know besides my marriage I do like it here, I know the kids do, if only there wasn't so much bitching going around. He tells me all the time, that he gives up on ting to mold the children into the great kids they should be. I know they have there faults we all do, we are all aware of the faults we have, so it would be to better ourselves, not beat up ourselves for our faults. I guess I am to optimistic and he is not.
I was thinking on the way to work today, I know what my problem is, I am waiting for him to give me a good soild reason. With the ex, I finally had enough and he was not willing to help and I went to couseling and became strong enough to leave, and I guess I just am not the same person I use to be. I'm not sure I don't bring this on myself. Am I the one who creates this type of life, I know my husband thinks so, because my mother does, and he says I am more like her, then I would admit to. Then the question would be how do I stop myself from ruining my life. I don't want to be single, divorced and struggling as I always have in the past. I don't want to hurt anymore either. I guess I need to seek some help on how to fix my problems, verses leaving them behind.
I don't want to be alone, I love my husband, I jsut wish he would stop tring to control me so much. I don't want to leave, I like my life here, I just want to be happy about it. I think most of the time it is all in my head, and I am the one that needs to change. I guess it is time for me to step up and make a change for me and for my girls. I think I need to go to couseling again to help me get my life into prespective again, because I don't have control over it and I need that inorder to do something postive with my life.
I may bitch and grip about the things he does but I love him and for some odd reason I wish that he will change for me, love me for who I am and what I do. If I want to wear makeup don't say anything about it, if I want to straigten my hair, tell me I look pretty, If I want to lose 10 pounds motivate me, don't tell me I don't need to and most of all, don't ever mention that I am turning out like my mother. |
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