| 12:11p |
Dancing in my mind
Mood Swings, This can be such a wide varity saying. It can happen in an instant and sometimes you don't even know why. I know sometimes it goes even futher than that. Depression. That is such a strong word, and sometimes you deal with it and just think it is mood swings. In my case, I know the difference. I guess it started when I was 17. I remeber that day so well or should I say, that is when it became a reality. I won't go into details, but lets jsut say I ended up in the hospital and fro weeks there after I was checked into a place for teens.
Today, I have one thing I got going for me and whom are giving me the will to live are my children. I would never do what I did when I was 17, but don't think that I haven't thought about it. I just don't feel like myself anymore and sis, I know what your solution is, the only thing, I want to try, I want my marriage to make it, I want to survive this situation and better myself from it. I want him to know. I have tried to tell him in the past, but he doesn't know me as well as he thinks. He says he knows all about it because his sister went through it and he watched it happen to her and what a mess she was. He has told me that I am looking for an excuse to be unhappy and has even played the guilt trip on me that if he is the reason I have gone into this, then why am I still with him. I love him and can't see myself without him, but I want him to understand, I am not who he thinks I am. Foolish comes to mind.
I go to the doctors next week, I think I will bring this up, but I don't know what the purpose would be. He will put me on meds and tell me to go talk to someone regularly, and I will then say, I can't. The reason, my husband doesn't know I am telling you this, he knows everything I do and would not approve, it would embarras him and that can't happen. And if I did, I wouldn't be able to do it with out him knowing and I'm not so sure I want him to know, knowing how he feels about this. He thinks he is the problem solver, he if can't fix a problem then only money can. He doesn't believe me anyway, he thinks I just have bad days. I don't cry anymore, because it upsets him, I can't remember the last time I did, it was months ago, I have trained myself to not cry infront of him even if it hurts so much inside.
I am a loner you know. You know the one thing I miss so much, is dancing. When I was single, I use to go to clubs, I would meet friends, it gave me a chance to dress up, and feel free. I felt good, because I was doing something I loved and I felt good about it. This past may was the last time I danced, and that was for such a short period of time before the nightmare started. So that good mood ended very quickly and the nightmare lasted for days, just refer to my mother's day weekend in blurty and you will see. I know I would feel better if only I could dance, then maybe I would have the self confindence I once had.
Will you dance with me? |