Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Sun Flower's Blurty:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Thursday, October 9th, 2008
9:08 am	Want to vent First before I start I want to let you know I still have not sent off K1's card, I will as soon as I get a giftcard for her to wally world. So I am sorry for that, I might just send cash that way you can do whatever with it, just give me a couple day to do it, by this weekend we should have a little extra to get it. So why am I venting, you see it has to do with the hubby's good friend you know the one that has the out of control children and he is a shitty husband, ex business partner, that one. First let me tell you one thing, this is how much I can't stand the man it has come down to the fact that he has not been in my house since New years eve, that is how much I can't stand him. First I will tell you what the hubby did for him... He and his family went on vacation this past summer and while he was on vacation he called up the hubby and asked and begged him to go to 2 different properties to do some repairs since he was out of town, and because the hubby is nice to him he went and fixed his properties repairs. While doing the repairs with this guys brother he finds out that these problems have existed for weeks and this asshole didn't fix it and it wasn't unitl he left town that he asked the hubby to do it. Now keep in mind my hubby did at least 2-4 repairs for him. Now when this happens you are suppose to pay him for it, but because the hubby wouldn't ask for the money he didn't get any from asshole, now keep in mind also when we started up our own business we didn't get about 2 grand that was also owed to us, and the hubby didn't ask for it either. He knows that I won't say a word to him, because I don't trust myself to keep my mouth shut about how I feel about him. Soooo, I just don't talk to any of them. So this is the thing that pisst me off today, my hubby is doing a big job at one of his properties and when he called me this morning he told me that this asshole was going to help him out with this big job and told me about how much we were going to pay him, I couldn't keep my mouth shut about it, and told the hubby that I think he should do it for free etc. The hubby told me that he had to and gave me his reasons, which I know were a lie, because I would have heard about this shit before today, I know the reason he told me this is because of how I feel about this man. Then he tells me that he is hurting too (financially) and you know what I don't give a shit about him enough to even care, the thing that pisses me off is he is nothing but a user and money hog and could give a shit about us and to be quite honest I never want him in my house again, and being the hubby knows how I feel he better not ever ask him over to MY house. So anyway this is my vent I have to give this asshole money when he still owes us from the ex partnership we had with him and the repairs that my hubby did for him. So now I have to try and find my happy place because otherwise this will piss me off all day and the best way for me to get over it would be too not think about it. I think I will go watch the secret and ignore the phone that is ringing off the hook for bill collectors, it has got to the point where I have to turn off the ringer to the phone so I don't have to hear it anymore. Hope all is well with you, I love and miss you lots. talk to you soon. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 6th, 2008
9:15 am	Around the house So things are going ok, we are preparing ourselves for the possible repo of the truck and looking into another truck to have no payment, I know you are probably pisst about the whole thing, but I have a feeling that in the end everything will be ok. I don't want to jump into the future but I have a feeling we might move, I haven't talk to the hubby about it, but I just have a feeling. You know, he asked me the other day when we were talking about the situation we are in and asked me what I wanted and to be honest I just don't know what I want right now. Part of me wants to run away from the headaches of all the bills, yet at the same time I want to fight it out here and let everything go that can be charged off and the sad thing about it is with the way the econemy is right now we are not alone and the gonvernment is going to have to do something about everyone who has bad credit to help with the economy and we would fall into that with all the other people. We will get through this and I also told the hubby that the situation we are in puts a tremendous amount of stress on our relationship as well. I guess if we could find a house to rent for 600 a month and have 2 vehicles that were paid off and no other bills we might just move and start over yet again. The great thing about it is I will be so much closer to you and will be able to see you more often. Hey I wanted to tell you that I was working on my childhood album and have crazy pictures of us, the nerds that we were. I was showing the girls them and telling them how much they look like us when we were their age. One day I will show it to you, I am hoping that maybe one day I can go over to moms house, with a mask on to see if I can find more pictures that are laying around so I can put them in an album. Well I have to go now, but I want you to know that I will besending out a card for K1 tomorrow (most likely) I will put a little money in it for her. I love and miss you. (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 2nd, 2008
12:02 pm	So today I made the calls to the creditors and it turned out ok, they are willing to wait for payments. I talked to the mortgage company and they are so willing to wait, even if it takes all month. The insurance company is also willing, so a little is released off my shoulders, yet they still feel so heavy. The first thing we need to do is buy another truck outright and let the current one go as a vol. repo, we really don't have much of a choice for that one, we just can't make the payment and with that we have other loans that the hubby has that we will have to default on also, so that will free up more if we can ever get ahead. Who knows if everyone pays we can catch up. We are working on possibly dropping a few clients due to lack of payment, they haven't even paid august bills yet and that sucks for us. You know these past couple of days have been the stressed out I have been in 10 years and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, its just a peek at it, but I know it's there. I guess I am tired of crying everyday about how it is turning out to be. The girls are doing good in school A1 wants all A's from school and according to her progress report she is getting them. She is so smart compared to how I was in school, she is in honors classes in math and science, the science class she is in should be for juniors and the math the same. I am so proud of them all the twins are also in advance classes, so now they have to work harder, but I think they will make it. They are doing good in school. not all a's but I told them that is ok, to be honest as long as they don't bring home D's or F's Im good. I want them to do great and excel at what they do for themselves, ot so much me. So about moving, I just don't know right now, we are just trying to figure out how to stay afloat so if we did we probably wouldn't until the first of the year (winter) that will suck, but will be the time frame. Yet at the same time if we can get rid of all the usless debt, maybe we can make it here, all I want is a roof over our heads, that is what is important. Well I love and miss you and will talk to you soon, have to finish a dog run. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 1st, 2008
10:36 am	So about the thing on sat and why he was pisst, ok so I told you I wasn't going to call him, well I did, he hadn't left the house30 minutes and was suppose to be headed to get a hair cut and I called him and he was at a property because there was a problem the night before and I asked him why he was mad and he refused to tell me what it was and we ended up arguing and I ended up hanging up on him, which to be honest this might of been the second time in our marriage that I ever did something like that. Well I got ready to take A1 to get her dress and the twins wanted to stay home due to an earlier fight with there sister and low and behold, he pulls up as I am getting ready to leave, I tell him the twins are staying home and that I was going and then left. Well after I got home I finally pulled it out of him and it was due to not having sex for 6 days, so being I was in a shitty mood anyway I ignored him and eneded up taking a nap and believe me I guess I was so tired of all of it I slept from 1:30 to 5:30, I couldn't believe it, it has been a long time since my body has been so tired. I know the reason why, the two night before I hadn't slept at all, waking every hour due to stress. Anyway, by that night it had all blown over and everything was fine by the time I had gone to bed that night, I guess ignoreing him did it, I know what the problem is we are so stressed out and that has been causing static between us at times, not all the time, we try and talk it out. Well needless to say I am so sorry I missed you anniversary yesterday I didn't even have the heart to jump on the computer except to check the business banking balance and just now read you blogs. I am sorry I missed it and I am sorry to tell you that K1's birthday gift will be late, I will explain it later. I'm sorry. So this is the situation I am in, the house we own is worth less then we paid for it about 175,000 less, so we can't sell it, it is october 1st and as I write this I have 7.00 dollars in my personal checking and 8.00 dollars in the business, we have borrowed all the girls cash that they had and have 30.00 in cash left to our name. Praying for checks in the mail today as we always do, but if we don't get any, I just don't know what I am going to do. We have not paid septembers mortgage, car payments (2) all insurance including car and health, as of today, we no longer have health insurance, we have no money to do the pools to keep the business going and can't buy food for the house until we get money, so the pressure is on right now. Thankfully we have enough food in the house to last about a week. I guess I am so upset about it all I have cried to the creditors and begged them to hold off on the payments and some have, some have not, so it is only getting worse. I have shed alot of tears these last couple of days and have been able to hide it from the hubby, I am upset about the whole thing and I blame him for it, why is that, because I look back and even when I was a single mom, it was never like this, never, I at least had money in the bank to buy F--king food, had great credit, had my bills paid, and now I honestly have nothing to my name now, and the only thing I can do is fight it out until checks come in the mail. Getting a job right now would be useless, and athoner thing is he doesn't want me to work out of the home, right now I can't even put gas in the car, so can't work anyway. I feel that I am slightly depressed and have no one to talk to expect you in this blog. No one else is to know about this, no one and that is the way he wants it. we can't borrow money from anyone, because then that would let them know that we are not surviving on our own, so we have to suck it up, play it off as though we have money and continue on as if nothing is happening. to be quite honest I would rather pack up, move in with you and start over, but I am going to fight it out with this shit and see where the chips fall. I think in the end we will move to the other state with nothing and have jobs lined up for the both of us and live like people again. I know one thing, before we even moved into this house I had a dream that we were moving out, I told you and the hubby about it and then over this past week I have had dreams about unpacking our stuff in another house, so ultimately I think we will be moving, just don't know when. I know one thing we can't afford the employee we have, but we still have him. he gets paid before we do and the money that was forked out to him this last month would have paid the mortgage. Anyway, that is all i can say, I feel shitty and can't do nothing about it. I have to go now, all I can say is pray for checks. Love and miss you... (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 27th, 2008
9:30 am	Somethings wrong So this morning seemed to be alright we all had breakfast and the hubby talked about getting a hair cut, so he went and showered A1 is cleaning her room so I can take her to buy a dress for the home coming dance tonight, and the twins are cleaning the dishes, well in the middle of them doing the dishes, I showed them pictures of us doing the hula, I started putting them in an album and also collected some photos of us when were we young, and showed them those also. First, they said we were dorks and nerds and laughed, then I explained to them that that wasn't nice plus the fact that that was the time frame that we grew up in. Well the hubby came out to get somethig out of the kitchen and I showed him the picture that we were all looking at and them he back to the bedroom. Well when he was getting ready to leave he was acting stand offish and I don't know why, somethings wrong with him I just don't know what, now I have to worry about him blowing up at me or the girls until he tells me what is really bothering him, because I asked him if he was mad and he said no, but I know he is lying, and I know this for a fact, because I know him. I will not call him while he is gone because a fight might get started from that, this seems to be the start of a shitty weekend. We got into a small fight on thursday about money and the one thing that popped into my head when he was being an ass was to leave him, take the girls and move there, I would then get rid of all debt and start over. You know in the back of my mind the inner voice of me is blaming him for all this, because I was doing great before I met him, and then all the credit started to rack up and most of it was because he wanted more and I did it because we were married, and I had the great credit and he didn't, so we used mine and now here I am in a panic. Yo can't say a word to anyone about my financial problems, because as usual nobody is suppose to know. You know one thing, the fight we were having on thursday was about septembers mortgage which hasn't been paid yet and I can't pay it because I don't have the money to pay it. Septembers health insurance hasn't been paid either I could list 5 more of septembers bills that haven't been paid and won't until I get money which even when we do get money he wants to buy a truck so we won't have a payment anymore and we let the bank come and pick up the current truck we have being we can't afford to pay it anyway so that would save us about 1400 a month but put a repo on our credit. So what to do, I just feel so stressed out and confused on what to do, I just don't know what to do. It is a scary thing for me not to know. Well I guess I need to go, I have to shower and then take A1 to ross to get a dress. Love you and miss you lots. Talk to you soon. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 24th, 2008
2:06 pm	Dream I just woke up from a nap being all of us are getting a cold and had a dream that I was unpacking in another house. I woke in this house from a dream that said hello anyone home we got up, I walked out of the master turned left into a livingroom that was also opened to the kitchen and diningroom. Off the dining room was a window that you could see the driveway infront of the house, it was a covered driveway that lead into a back yard that was either locked or fenced (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008
8:58 am	Cont. from yesterday So here we are the 23rd of the month and not knowing what to do with our lives and where to go... It isn't getting as scary as it should I know that in time all the important things will get paid but to be here in this situation really sucks. We are trying we just don't know what to do in our case. What will happen if we do file, at this point we may not have a choice. You know it is pretty scary to be in this situation. See the things that are going through our minds is do we get rid of everything and then move and rent a house start over from scratch, but what about the girls, do they want it. I guess if it means were together I will go along with whatever, I guess i am pisst that it even came to this in the first place, why couldn't we prevent this, why couldn't we have stayed on top of things, I just don't know, I guess no one see this type of thing coming. One thing I thought was disturbing was the hubby's parents. Out of the blue last week, they call and say that they want to come to A1's game on Wednesday and ask for directions, like I told you in the past the last time we heard from them was when they came over on the 31st of august, well they come to the game last wednesday and then we really find out the reason to it all and why they showed up, again it was not for the girls or A1, but for "S" you see the week before they came her mother said they were not to have anymore contact with S, it was over and they would not see her anymore. They called the hubby up on Thursday the day following the game and told the hubby what had happened and asked him to call his sister to see if S could come over and spend some weekends with us. The balls they got, like hell if I am going to ask to have his sisters bullshit in my house, much less the grandparents who are so far up S ass to have them come over. After the hubby told me that it came together, they came to her game so they could seem like they gave a shit only to call the following day to ask if we could bring her over for the weekend so they could be up here to see her and be all up in our business, what a crapy thing to do, thank god the kids didn't know and all they think is that they came to see them. this type of bullshit makes me want to move, then I would only be an 8 hours drive from you again and that would make me happy. We could see more of each other, even though I would be in the poor house and wouldn't be able to do much, at least we would be closer. You know this is the first time I just don't know what to do, do you have any suggestions for me, beside leaving him and moving there. He does make me happy maybe not when his faults show up, but over all it really is getting better only because I don't take it in silence anymore, the time isn't right to leave and if I keep thinkking about that it will just make it worse for the family if that was all that was on my mind, so really I don't look at it as an option. I hope you are getting better, are you taking you allergy pill, it will help you know, lately I have had to take one too just not to feel so shitty. I love you and miss you. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, September 22nd, 2008
12:11 pm	what to do? So alot has been going on, for starters, the hubby and I are ok, both ready to give up on our surrondings though. I have been having panic attacks from being so worried about the finances, can't seem to catch up at all. It gets to the point of me wanting to throw up and the body aches from just the stress alone. Bankruptcy has seriously crossed our mind, up until this past week I didn't want to consider it, but now we may not have a choice. Keep this on the down low, but we are considering giving this all up filing and returning to the other state to rent a house and be broke, how would that sound? You know this business is a big business we just can't pay the bills, my mortgage is late again but the differance is this month it may be more then 30 days, being I don't know when we will get checks in. This totally sucks. We just can't seem to get on our feet and we are constantly struggling. What happened over these past 7 years, I know deep down inside what happened, I couldn't say no to anything even though I wanted to and had excellent credit now it is nothing. More, more, more is all he wanted, so now I have nothing and am in more debt then I could have ever thought of. this sucks, this sucks bad!! I will have to write more tomorrow, the hubby is one his way home now. Love you miss you...... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 17th, 2008
10:38 am	update Well it has been a few since I last updated and to tell you the truth I feel as though I have been run down into the ground. To give you an update on my marriage, it is going good for now, the communication is being kept open for now, this past week was a challenage for me, I can't stand to be in the house because the dog is in heat the males are barking all the time and that is one thing I can't stand, barking. We seem to be on the run all the time, if it's not one thing it's another. I am pisst with the high school, although it is brand new they have nothing for these kids and were having to come up with alot of fundraising and money for it. when I do have down time all I want to do is relax and to be honest the only time that is, is when I am waiting for the girls after practice in the car, reading a book for 10 minutes at a time. the challenage I had this past week was with the hubby, you see this is my life I am constantly picking up after everyone. It started last monday, he would get home from work and take his shoes and socks off maybe his shirt, etc and leave them laying around the livingroom, well I decided that I wasn't going to pick anything up that he was capable of doing himself, he left that shit due to pure laziness and I wasn't going to pick it up, so, it took him a week and this is what he had laying around, i pair of pants, 2 shorts, 1 shirt and 6 pairs of socks and the only reason he picked them up was because he wanted to visit with one of the dogs and she would eat the clothes and take them. I have decided that I will no longer clean up after him and if he should bitch about the house being messy then I will lay it in to him about his shit. I do enough around this house take care of all the dogs, all day long and at night too while everyone in this house sits on there ass and watches, so I am tired and don't care if the house is a wreak anymore. I had lunch with mom the other day and it was a nice lunch, got to tell her about the girls. I need to start putting photo albums together, but everytime I get a few minutes it seem like something comes up and I have to go. Today is a busy day I have to run errands and A1 has a game which I will be late too because I have to pick up A2 and A3 from basketball practice, you know, I mentioned last night to the hubby that maybe he could go and pick the girls up and I go to the game to watch her and somehow, it never happens, the last away game she had, I missed the whole thing because I had to pick the twins up and he got to go see it, why can't he miss a game so I can watch, if this happens again, I need to be more forcefull about him missing it and me getting to go instead, she is my grils too. Anyway, it seems that that is the story of my life, who gives a shit about me, so long everyone in this house including the dogs are taken care of first. Well I have to go shower now, have to run a few errands, then come home to get some work done, love and miss you lots. Talk to you soon. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, September 5th, 2008
10:14 am	Business, who's is it? NOT MINE So this is what is making me upset today, I guess it started a couple weeks ago, we had this discussion about hiring an employee and I know he needs the help and I wasn't against getting him the help, but was concerned about the expense that we would have to come up with and the idiot he wanted to hire. You see this guy, was fired before for being a lazy son of a bitch and so I told the hubby not to hire him, but to hire someone that he had mentioned would be great for the job and have his own shit. Well, after arguing about it for weeks, me telling him not to hiring the idiot but to hire the good guy, he goes and hires the idiot anyway, says he thinks he will be fine and everything will work out just fine. Boy was I pisst that day, didn't even see that coming, needless to say I have never felt that this was our business, I have always felt like it was his and he proved it to me that day by hiring that guy and totally ignoring me completely. Well this guy when hired was told that he would make a weekly salary and being he is an idiot, of course we had to provide him with a truck, where as the guy I wanted to hire had his own, the hubby told me that this employee would be responcible for his own gas, he would have to take it out of his pay, well that went to shit also, I was entering the recipts in the other day and the hubby filled up his tank, because like I said he is a F--king idiot. So lets go over what this shit head gets, he gets his weekly salary, a free brand new truck, he doesn't even have to cover insurance because we take care of that, and now he gets his gas covered too, so what does that tell you, more in the hole we go. I know for a fact that htis guy drives our truck around on weekends when he is not working, so there goes gas so not only are we paying for his gas for work, but personal also. Can you tell I am upset about this. So this is the new thing, the hubby calls me up and tells me he can't get ahold of this jackass on his cell and has this problem since he started and now wants to have me put on an extra line to our phone plan and give him a phone that way he better answer it 24 hours a day, so there is another 50 bucks a month for that. When I told him I didn't want the idiot to have a new phone and being we gave him one to borrow the last time he was working for us, I told him he should have to use that one being he never returned it to me, and the hubby then told me I have no business sense and can't expect him to still have that phone and we would have to give him one of the razors we have and a car charger that way he can't use that as an excuse to not having it on. You know the thing is we keep giving and giving and for what an idiot that won't answer his F--king phone and is to stupid to have his own truck and insurance and never has money to fill up his fricken truck with gas, What next I say, and all because the hubby totally disrespected what I wanted. I feel a fight coming on this weekend, not only because of this but because we haven't had sex since saturday almost a week and that isn't right according to him. Then there is also last night conversation, he thought I was playing when I really wasn't when I told him I do everything around here, cook dinner, take care of the dogs, the kids and him, I clean do the shopping to make sure he has everything in the house that he wants etc. I just don't know what will become of this now. Let me tell yo one more thing, I know I told you about his parents coming over last sunday and the shit heads had to bring S and couldn't come on there own, well A1 had her 1st volleyball game on Wednesday and they told her that at least grandpa was most likely make it to the game (at least I was under the impression that he was coming, didn't give a shit weither Grandma came she a piece of work anyway) well the game came and went and they never showed, never called to explain to her or nothing, nothing at all. You kow what F--k them and there bullshit, i am done with them, no more, nothing from me, won't care what they do anymore, won't call them to invite them to nothing. You see I think we pissed them off because when they were out here, they told us we SHOULD invite S to spend the night here because she misses it. Well I didn't say much except that how are we suppose to get a hold of her and they said call her home. Well truthfully, I won't do that have no intention of ever asking her over to spend the night because she has a peice of shit mother and I don't want to f--king deal with her bullshit or theirs if she does come over. I must say one thing, S has put every pound back on, since she left this house, so being in 4th grade now she probably weighs 120 lbs. You know I guess I have decided to be done with his side of the family. Other then all that everythig is going great with the girls and I can't wait to see your new puppy, wait till I tell the girls about it. I have to go shower now, so I can go to the bank and drop off mail. Love you and talk to you soon. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008
10:14 am	Woke up angry So before I go into things, I need you to know that I do not want you to repeat this to anyone, this is a top secret update. What ever is written here today I don't want you to repeat to our older sister or anyone, and I will tell you things that I am ashamed of so don't say a thing. First, the things that made me angry this weekend I have had alot of emotions going through me, first I have never been in this position to the point of being broke and wishing I had money, even when I was a single mother, I was never in this situation, it is very depressing. and the hubby told me frankly that if it came to being overdrawn in the personal account that would be better then the business, and my responce was I have never been overdrawn in that account and have had that open for 10 years and that it wasn't ok. Then there are the dogs, I just kept getting more and more mad over the weekend, because when he is home he won't help with the dog runs, I did them all on my own and the more I did them the more I got mad. I know he works hard when he's not home, but I do too in a different way, and when he sits on the damn computer or phone or couch and doesn't help with the F--King dogs it pisst me off. Then there is the fact the his F--king dog ate our remote in the bedroom last night, so now we have no cable in the bedroom. What piss's me off the most is that he F--king defends the damn dog and says, "oh, he didn't mean it and another dog did it and blamed it on him etc." and that makes me even more mad. Then there is the feeling of being ashamed, this you can't repeat. So you know it was A1's birthday and we had to borrow her birthday money to get by, the sad thing is she thinks we are just holding it, when infact we had to use it for the business and food. She doesn't even know, so please don't tell her, when the checks come in we will get it right to her, but untill then we had no choice. This is no lie, I have 8 dollars in the personal checking and 30 in the business and need to pay the bills that are late. It sucks so bad to struggle with money. I mentioned going to work and as always, he says it won't make a difference anyway, and beside we need you at home to take care of all of us. Blah, blah, blah thats all I ever here. So here I am sitting with me thumb up my ass hoping for checks today again, just to get by. Then there is his parents, I had e-mailed A1's volleyball schedule to them and they replyed with can they come over on sunday to bring A1 her birthday present, I reply with we will be home and the girls are excited. Now keep in mind they haven't been over in over 4 months and have barely even spoke to the girls in that time. So I am thinking this will be a good time for the girls to spend with them that way maybe all can be forgiven in my mind, but you know what, they know how to F--K that up too, I kid you not, when they came over, they couldn't even come alone they had to bring "S" with them, because they are so far up her ass they can't find their F--King heads. All I wanted was for them to spend time with my girls for a F--king change and they can't even do that. What a shame, now I know I wnat nothing to do with them, because they want nothing to do with my girls so her it goes "F--k you, grandma and grandpa". You know another thing that really pisst me off with the hubby is I really wanted him to borrow money from his parents to get us by, but he didn't, so we took it from the kids, what a shame, he is so set on not letting anyone know how we are with our finances and so it can do that instead. Stupid, we need help, and we won't get it if we don't ask for it. What I am going to tell you now you can't repeat to our older sister, she will use this against dad in a mean way and it really is not her business, so do not tell her. Our older sister will say shit to benefit her and this doesn't concern her. So saturday we get dads card in the mail for A1 for her birthday and we open it and I take the check out to cash so we can use it, now keep in mind, we did tell A1 that she got the check and that it was being cashed out and she will recieve the cash for it, well what my hubby doesn't know and A1 doesn't know, the only people that will know about this is you, me and dad, since I had to call him and tell him, not to do this again and that it would be our little secret since my hubby and A1 don't know is that he wrote he old last name before she was adopted by the hubby. My intial thought is what the f--k, he is becomeing just as seniale as mother then thought a little more and said he must be using an old contact list that had that in it, and after talking to him about it, that was what happened. I'm just glad neither one of those too saw it because if they did, the huuby would have been pisst and maybe even A1, but then again, not so much being she was getting money out of it. So anyway, other then the fact that I too am reading for fun and finished a book yesterday, my second for the summer, everything is peachie keen around here. I'm sorry to keep rambling, but I have to go shower then watch the secret to lift my moods and thoughts. I love you and will talk to you soon. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 30th, 2008
7:13 am	So I am freaked out right now I didn't realize how bad it was until this morning, we have 30 dollars in the personal and 50 in the business and that is it, that means nothing more to buy until we get checks in and hopefully we will today, this makes me want to go get a job and have a steady income coming in. I know it wouldn't cover everything but it woukd help out the situation and the thing that sucks about it is that he doesn't want me too, I don't know if it is even that anymore I may have too. If people would pay there bills on time we wouldn't be in this situation. Our friends went out of town this weekend and we are watching there dog, and you know what, I just wish the hubby would help, he never helps with these dogs anymore and I know it is because he is stressed out over money, but so am I!! I think sometime I just read my book so I won't think too much about something I can't control. Sucks for us. well I have to go now, I will talk to you soon, love and miss you much. (Comment on this)
Friday, August 29th, 2008
12:25 pm	trying to stay positive you know I try and try to stay positive and sometimes it is just down right hard. We go through this twice a month where we seem to run out of money and are late on bills, waiting for those damn checks to come in. The hubby is so hard to deal with because he is so negative about the whole thing and we are down to practically nothing in the bank and are sitting with our thumbs up our ass waiting for checks. All my bills seem to be late, but now our insurace is late and that worries me and dealing with him and his attitude, I haven't even told him of the bills that are over due and if I did he would freak out on me. He won't be working this weekend so I won't be able to write in this but I know if he is like he is all weekend, I will need to write badly. The thing that sucks is A1's birthday is on monday and how do you tell her that she is going to get an IOU for it, we have to wait for checks to come in. MAybe I should get a job, but then everytime I bring that up, he says, your needed her, you take care of the kids, dogs and me and we need you here. Well I feel I could do something to bring in money, even if it is part time, something. I just hope we get check tomorrow in the mail and can make a deposit, because as it stand right now, we can't buy shit, not even pool supplies to work with. Stressed out completely is what I am and to pretend to be positive so that the hubby won't be such an ass is sometimes the hardest job I have. What do you do in a situation like this. Then theres the twins they are joining a basketball league and money is due for that on wednesday, what do you do, pray for checks I suppose. well being I am ready to burst at the seems, I have been thinking about this high school shit and I sometimes think I have too much time on my hands and am looking for something else to keep me busy and at this point it is anything and stupid shit. I guess I am selfish, to think that I had you set up an e-mail and I just feel foolish I guess, I guess I am tired of trying to stay positive and talk the hubby through this, when he just needs to shut up and deal with it like I am. I guess I am tired too and want support for this too and the hubby is just unable to give me that support, I know where we stand financially being I pay all the bills, hes the one that doesn't get it until I tell him the account has no money in it. Got to go, I think he is home love and miss you (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 28th, 2008
3:28 pm	I wanted you to know that I can not e-mail to that new address, it came back as unknown and you will have to give it 2 me again because I must not be doing it right. call me if you can and I will write it down. the hubby should be working tomorrow. you can text me too with it in the mornings after 6:30 am my time, no later then 12pm your time sorry it is such a pain (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:22 pm	I made up an e-mail address for us to use, this will only be for that thing I was talking to you about in the previous entry. the text should have came through to you by now and the pass word would be 5girls. I thought that would be good. Why do I feel like I an sneaking around, maybe because I am, i don't know, I just think my hubby wouldn't understand and therefore he doesn't need to know, what do you think? (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 26th, 2008
1:16 pm	You wont believe this but I decided to look up our old high school and I came across a website if you put M-------high school.org you will come across a alumni list and it looks like someone was looking for me and I would like to know who, but I have to register with the site and give a current e-mail address and I was think ing about doing it but don't want to give up the hubbys and mine and so I don't know what to do, what should I do. e-mails will be sent I feel as though I am cheating on the hubby if I sign up or register but I'm not. Will you sign up for me with a e-mail addres that we both can access with yahoo or something that way if the hubby asked I can tell him you filled in my profile or something like that. Let me know what I should do. Things are going good here the kids are loving school and I am enjoying the alone time for a change. I don't know if I told you we no longer have long distance on the home line but I do have unlimited minutes on the cell phone now, believe it or not I am saving money by switching plans to unlimited everything. A1 got her phone back, with her in high school now, it makes me nervous for her not to have one. The twins are doing good boy it sucks that the are all growing up so fast. you watch yours will too. well I have to go pick the twins up from school soon and then we have a volleyball game after, I love you and miss you lots and will talk to you soon. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 20th, 2008
2:13 pm	a few minutes I have a few the hubby is still at work and I just dropped off A1 for volleyball practice and the twins are playing a board game in the livingroom, so I have a few. First it was nice to talk to you last night, to sing happy birthday that was great. I hope you had a nice day, I did, it was busy, so it seemed really busy but I guess that is an average day around here. it just felt like a long day, all I wanted to do was sit and watch that movie, but by the time we got around to it, we were to tired and instead went to bed at 8:30, now that felt good, didn't have to set the alarm this morning, so I got to sleep in till almost 8 this morning. I am hoping to get the financials straightened out soon with in the next couple of months, we are taking on property after property, you wouldn't believe how much the business grosses a month, the only thing we are so far in debt and having to catch up sucks, we still haven't paid the mortgage yet this month just waiting for the checks to come in, we should be able to pay it by monday. Once we can catch up then we can get ahead, soon we should be able to start a savings again, it is just getting through the next couple of months. Maybe I can check into making money from out of the home, just a little extra, I will check into it. As for the hubby and I, things seem to always work out, we worked through this last fight and seemed to be fine for now, I guess writing that letter, although I didn't give it to him, made me think alot of what I want and with him saying regarless of what happenes, he would take care of us, I realized that I do want to be with him, he is trying to make it work and believe it or not he has changed with the way he handles some things and therefore I need to do the same, I know he loves me and I know he wants to be with me, we just have to work it out for us to be happy together. I have not changed in the fact that I won't keep my mind shut when I think he is over stepping his boundries and I let him know that he needs to stop, etc. sometimes it only takes a look now and he gets it. I think once the kids go back to school and things start to settle down I can find me again, do the things that will make me happy too. He mentioned the other day that I need to find me again and he is right, I have lost myself and I lost myself years ago. By the way remember how the girls call me B or Bun or bunny and you think it is disrespectful, well A1 saw a text from you and in it it had B, so she thinks you are calling me B now and I didn't want to tell her what it really stood for, so the next time they call me B or Bun, you can't jump on them, because they think you call me that also. I am hoping that with in a year we can get out there to visit, maybe next summer, now that the girls will return to school, we will have the sports to contend with and won't be able to leave town, if we get our finances straightened out and are able to afford a trip for a few days will work it out and come. Well, I have to go now, remember I love and miss you lots and I brought alot of pictures off the internet from walgreens so I am keeping up with you photos, the only way I will be able to get you pictures is through e-mail or I print them out and send them to you, I just don't have cox and it is too slow. well I have to go now, I love you and will talk to you soon. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, August 18th, 2008
1:24 pm	a letter to the hubby I just got done reading your entry, it was nice to hear that things are going well for you. That date sounds great, i am glad he did that for you one thing is you won't ever forget it and that is what matters. Well to give you an update here A1 is doing really well in volleybal, it looks like she will make the JV team and that is great. A2 and A3 are out of school for the week and next week they go into junior high, to me that is a scary thought. I am excited for them. As for the hubby and I we are at one of those times, deciding weither or not we should stay together as a couple. I guess it started last night, you see this week was actually really nice, we had a good day saturday, took a nap (had sex) and then woke up to go to dinner with the kids and take them school shopping. it was nice then on sunday he went to work for a little and cleaned up the garage, I took the girls to finish school shopping and came home then he and A1 and our buddy J and his son went shooting to practice for the hunt this fall, they all have deer tags. when they left I took the girls over to J & D house and hung out with her until the guys got home then we had a cook out and swam, drank a few and talked it was great. Well all night he was hinting that he wanted sex again after we got home and well to no surprise it didn't happen and for that he said that I should find someone who will make me happy. I have been thinking and cring all day and then it hit me like a ton of bricks, this time it was different, he wasn't threatening to leave, he was pleading with me to let him go, this is making me cry just thinking about it. So for the first time I wrote him a letter telling him that I will let him go if that is truly what he wants. I haven't given it to him yet, he has been at work all day, but he knows something is wrong when he talk to me on the phone. I am not sure when or if I will give him the letter or just tell him, that if he wants out I will let him out. I said in the letter if he will give me a month the girls and I would work out all that needs to done to move out to where you are and he can have the house being this is his home. I don't know what will happen I will keep you posted, but I have to go, he is on his way home, I will write more tomorrow. Love and miss you. talk to you soon. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 12th, 2008
10:07 am	update So, here I am by myself in the house, first time in a long time, still doing the same things I would be even if the girls were here. I guess it is nice even if it is for a little while, I have another hour and a half. Just got done doing work stuff, now it is me time. I pulled out the weight watcher thing again, I feel as though I need to start it up again because I have put on a few pounds, so I want to lose them. I am going to go over my notes I took more then a year ago on the secret, I guess I feel as though I am in a funk right now, and particially to blame would be that with in a few days the visitors will show up and it is just an emotional month for me, feel as though I could cry at the drop of a hat. I am happy for the most part, although yesterday I was scared that the hubby was going to find all the shit I have been writing down about the angel cards and the questions I have asked in the past. He was on the scearch for a cd and I wasn't home to look for him and so he was going through stuff, boy I hurried home to keep him from finding the shit. I guess in my spare time right now I need to find all my papers and shred them all that way there will be nothing he can find. Done, I just shredded them, hopefully I didn't leave any behind. So I am looking forward to starting our book, I have 2 weeks then school starts for the girls, then I won't have to be running off so much. Tomorrow the twins find out what there classes will be for school, we have orientation and then on the 22nd it is for A1. As for the hubby, I really think he is trying, you know since we have been hanging out with J&D he has realized alot he is able to talk to J and I D. I don't go into details as you and I do (actually not even close) she thinks we have a really good relationship, although they do know that we don't agree on all things because I will stick up for myself and the girls in certain situations. As for the hubby, when he has a bad night or afternoon and is really in a shitty mood, like yesterday he apoligized for being a shit, and this happens quit often now, at least he is saying sorry for the first time in our relationship, I never heard it until lately which for a change is great since I think he now sees what an ass he can be and for the first time feels bad about it, before I don't think he realized how shitty he could be and now, when I am pisst about something I give him this pissed off look and he knows that I am mad and usually he knows why I am mad. I think he knows deep down if things don't change there will be no hope for us and the way I see it is he has to change his attitude, not me. I think he finally figured it out. Well I hope all is good with you, I have to get going so I can go through the secret stuff to re-write notes that will help me to feel good again. I love you and I want to thank you for the card I got it yesterday, I will be sending you off one in a few days. Love you talk to you soon. (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 9th, 2008
7:27 am	So last night he asks me, is there something wrong because you have been distant from me this week. I personally didn't think I was doing anything different towards him, but I guess he thinks I have been. You see he has been working really hard this week and me too. Kids in school, and volleyball practice and this coming week will be even busier for all of us, we have doctors appointments and ortho appointments, volleyball practice everyday and basketball practice for the twins everyday and on top of it I will still have to water the plants out front twice a day and do a dog run at least 4 times a day with only the girls help at times. I guess if I am honest with myself I am pisst about the fact that after the hubby gets home in the afternoon, I still do it on my own (dog run) and that does kinda piss me off, I know he is tired, but I feel most of these dogs are his, not mine. you see, he gets home starts up his laptop goes through his e-mails, sometimes gets on the phone and starts talking to people and as time goes by, I then start dinner and do a dog run, even when he sits on the loveseat after dinner, he rarely help outs with the dogs. I guess I have gotten use to it, but it still pisses me off I guess. You see my time is spread through out the day, each watering seccion takes about an hour and a half, the dog run takes at least an hour each time. anyway enough bitching. I started a book earlier in the summer and I decided to finally start it up again, I guess I get about a half hour or less in a day, when I am sitting and waiting for A1 to get out of volleyball I have about 10-15 minutes there and if I should have down time in the afternoon I try it pick it up, I guess I will finish it by christmas. I need to watch the secret agin because I can feel the mood going down, I just can't seem to stay positive all the time. So you want ot hear some good news, my two babies are going into junior high in 2 weeks, they finally graduated from elementary school. it is so hard to believe that they all are growing up and it seems like it is so fast. My oldest is ow in high school, scary thought huh? I am so proud of them all, they get awesome grades and I couldn't ask for anything more from them, so proud to be their mom. I want you to know that I have not forgot about my relationship, I guess it is always on my mind, you know I think about for 6 years he threatened to leave me and the girls and it wasn't up until this spring that I found out that he never was going to leave at all, he just told me that. Now I think about leaving him, and to be honest I don't know that I will, he told me the other day at dinner, well let me tell you what happened, we were having chips and dip before dinner and the twins don't like salso and spinach dip, but if the wanted to have chips they had to eat them with dip, well after a few chips A3 said she didn't want to eat anymore because she didn't want to spoil her dinner and he starts in on her about how that wasn't true and she was being a baby about it, etc. and then told her because she didn't ave any then she couldn't have mozzorella stick either, that way she wouldn't spoil her dinner, so she left the table and he strted giving the other 2 mozzorella sticks and I thought he was being rediculous about the whole thing so I set one a side for her and that way she could eat it with her dinner. Well when dinner was almost ready, the hubby passed out the rest of the sticks to all of us and almost watched us eat them that way he was right and A3 would not have any, but then A2 found the one I had set aside earlier and asked about it, that was when I told them all that I set it aside for A3 so she could have it with dinner, well that pissed him off and he ended up not eating with us at dinner, infact he didn't even eat dinner and this is what got me he said "the 5-th wheel can be really be a good place ot stay" You see, although he may not leave us, he can threaten to leave the house or our room and stay in the trailer and as far as I am concerned, thats just as bad. So you see, I am still thinking about this daily and I guess it is bothering me a tad bit. I just don't feel that it is right to check out of the relationship but still be in one. I have sex with him at least twice a week to keep the peace, I just wish he would back off the girls and I and accept us the way we are. Well I hate to cut this short but I put off watering the plant this long and I need to go get it done. The nice thing about today is that it is just the twins and I, the hubby and A1 went scouting for an antelope with our friends and where they are, you don't get cell reception, so it will be a quiet day for me and I think I will take the twins on a bike ride and maybe we can do something else, I just don't know what yet. I love and miss you dearly and maybe we can talk soon. (Comment on this)