Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Sun Flower's Blurty:

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Saturday, May 10th, 2008
7:25 am	How foolish am I? I sometimes have to wonder if I am just stupid or so afraid of change that, that makes me stupid. Well what happened last night was no surprise, he came home and we didn' talk for about an hour, it wasn't until after the girlswent outside to play, that the so called conversation started. IT seems that it is always one sided, he talks and I listen, if I try to say something he will cut me off and tell me I am fooling myself, he says it like it is (black and White) and I can't see the truth. He told me that he needs to find himself adn that I need to do the same and that he should move out for a month or two. He will find a place and work on him and that I should do the same. You know I tried to tell him that I have been trying to work on us and he tells me if that is all I got, then we ain't going to make it. You know one thing I did rebut when he said it, was I am to blame for this, I told him I will not take all the blame for this, it was both him and I and of course he told me I was fooling myself. We talked, and of course I cried, but I guess I was more pisst then anything, and I even told him I knew this was coming from the way he treated me earlier in the day. HE told me it was all about the money, adn the feeling of security and that all he is, is a mule for me. HE is so full of shit, he can't even see that his eyes turned brown in the process. So the question is, am I the fool or is he? You know there is one thing to treat me like shit but you don't do it to the kids. See last night after our discussion, he went into the room and took a shower, I stayed out and cooked dinner, the girls were complaining they were hungry. So after getting done I went to the room and told him dinner was ready and asked if he was going to join us, he said no and that he will eat later. After the girls and I sat down to eat chicken tacos, A1 asked if daddy was going to eat with us and I lied to her and said he was taking a nap. Low and behold he walks out while were still eating (20 mintues after we had started) and A1 called me on it adn asked daddy if he had a nice nap and he responded "I wasn't sleeping" and then she looked at me, I was caught adnd she knew she had caught me in a lie. So he get to the stove and starts bitching that we didn't leave him any chicken (which let me tell you, there was plenty left) So he starts throw a tantrum and gets his torilla, puts beans and lettuce, cheese etc. but no meat. He sits down unhappy as hell and then A1 offers him a taco she had on her plate, and his responce was, are you kidding me, when its over its over, and I could tell on her face she was holding back the tears. a few minutes later I offered him a taco from my plate and then again he made some rude comment and we let him eat in peace the rest of the night, after he got done, he got up and said something while walking down the hallway (which A1 nor I understood) and went into the bedroom. Thats when A1 let the tears roll, I knew she knew why I had lied but I looked at her went up to her put my arms around her and said, everything is going to be alright and we just stayed there for a minute. Like I said it is one thing to treat me like shit, but you don't do it to the kids. See while we talked, he says he served his purpose with me and that was to get me my girls, now he serves no purpose in this family. He told me I should go find someone that will make me happy because neither one of us are. You know I did tell him that I would leave with the girls but I had no place to go, he started in and said, "so that is how low you think I am, comparing me to your ex's". Never have I compared him to them, he is definatly different, but now he has placed himself in that group. So now I have to make a decision, to stay or go. You see, he would take care of all the bills, he told me that he can support me and the girls, but now I am not so sure I want that, see either way if the girls and I stay here or go, we will all have to start over. You know I have come to terms that this seperation is was is best for us, the question will be, is will we survive the seperation, I don't know at this point. HE has already left for work today and today the twins have cheer tryouts and that will give A1 and I time to talk if she is willing. I guess I have alot to think about, you know one thing is that I am not totally heart broken over this, I guess I saw it coming and with the way we have struggled over these years it has prepared me for this moment. You know onething he did tell me yesterday was from the day we got married is when our marriage went sour. I did tell him that we both have treated each other differently adn he told me that he did it because I had started it. there again in his eyes, it is all my fault. You know I don't feel that way, it is never a one way street in a marriage. You know what is so ironic about this whole thing, you know how he hates dr. phil, he thinks he is full of shit, well yesterday I had it on in the livingroom and he was watching the show while I was taking care of dogs and he saw how dr. phil treats his wife and how happy they look together and when he started the whole conversation he said that it was because of how they treated each other, that he knows we don't treat each other that way and therefore it is wrong. HE will never be good enough he told me. You the what that goes both ways, I am no longer good enough for him. Well I have to go bring in dogs, and shower, I will try and call you later, when I talk to you I have to be alone, I don't want the girls to hear our conversation. I love you. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 9th, 2008
11:37 am	Life as I know it You know sometimes I wish someone would just slap me across the face so I could beat the living shit out of them. That is how I feel right now. Let me tell you the latest fight we are in and how stupid it is over what started it all. The hubby gets home yesterday about 4:30pm and at that point the girls bring up the fact that at the junior high the are holding an orientation/show off the current kids work, etc. any way, the girls brought this up and I knew he didn't want to go, but the girls did and I wanted to go for them. So, I told him that I wanted him to go, but knew he didn't want to and so he didn't have too. And that is what sparked our latest fight. Is that not rediculous. I think he is being down right stupid. He is mad because I play into all the crap and have to go somewhere all the time. I told him that the girls wanted to go and that I was willing to take them. He was even more mad at the fact that he had to fend for his own dinner, he had a long day at work and just wanted to come home and then this. So last night I take the girls and we eat dinner there come home after an hour and a half to a man who is cranky, pisst and pouting. He did that all night, with few words between the 2 of us, knowing that by me taking the girls last night, I would have to deal with him later. The saga continues today as well. This morning, he gets dressed and leaves, I called him about 8:30 this morning, now keep in mind, I have the lighest tone I can possiable have knowing he might be in one of his moods, I tell him only good things and even though I am very pleasant, trying to put him in a better mood, it doesn't work, he is rude and in the mood of "I don't give a shit, I should just leave all this bull-shit" and so we hang up. It was about 10:45 and he has yet to call me this morning, when he doesn't call me there is always something wrong. So I say to myself, I will call him but this will be the last time I call him. So I call him, what a fucking sour puss, I just can't stand it, he is rude and pisst and I had enough, I tell him I am going to pick up dog food and then he says, whatever, I tell him I love love him, he basically tells me whatever and, so I hang up. Now I am pisst. I tried really hard to talk to him about this last night and all he says is "this is not the first time I have felt out of place in the house" What the FU_K. This is childish and I can't stand it when he does this shit, when he is like this, he treats everyone like a piece of shit and that pisses me off like you wouldn't believe. Stupid, stupid, stupid he is being... A1 now knows when we are fighting, when I was trying to talk to him about it last night before we left, she could see that he was upset and mad, and you kow what she did, she was smiling about it. I told her to go to her room until we were done. IT's not the first time she has said or did something to let me know that she doesn't like it. It was at her Basketball banquet, after it was done giving out the awards, he wanted to leave, I told him that A1 wasn't ready to go yet and she wanted to visit with her friends and so he said whatever adn waited outside in the parking lot for over half an hour and she came up to me and asked where he was at and I told her, she said, you know he should have stayed home and drank beer, thats what he wanted to do anyway, he shouldn't have come. I told her not to say that and let it drop. She only spoke the truth. He drinks to much and the girls know it, I know it and he knows it, but he won't give it up. Needless to say, I don't know where this weekend will lead, but I guess it would be the yearly thing, always on mother's day, in the last 3 years, the first 2 were as shitty as shitty can get, last year was ok, but I guess we are getting back on track for shitty mothers day. Until he aplogizes, I am now on the slient treatment, I at this point, I will sign off and keep you posted to what happens, who knows, I may end up calling you if he leaves. Love you and I will talk to you soon. Happy mother's day, sis... (Comment on this)
Friday, May 2nd, 2008
8:54 am	Setting goals It may be simple or hard, who knows but I need to do something to keep me busy, I am so bored and when I am bored I eat. I need to do something, again, find a hobby, I guess... A2 and A3 are going out for cheerleading, if I have to be honest I don't know if they will make it, if they don't, then over the summer I need to get them into something to help their chances next year. A1 will go out for Volleyball, basketball and softball next year. She needs to stay busy, because when she isn't she loses her mind. She has always needed to be entertained, but now that she is done with basketball it is really bad. A1 was offered to apply for a 1000.00 dollar schlorship all she had to do was write an essay, so I made her do it. I think she needs to start looking at that type of stuff since she is going into high school next year. If we didn't hold her back in fifth grade she would be out of 9th going into 10th. Well today I made a list of things to do, so I must get started on that list, I love you and miss you. Talk to you soon, oh and on monday I will send out your card, so look for it by the end of the week. Love you... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 29th, 2008
2:05 pm	don't have much time I guess I have been busy and really lazy. I don't feel the motivation I should, I just can't seem to bring myself to do much. Some days I can just sit on my ass and think ok, that day I didn't do shit, then the next day I do one or two things then I think I am over worked. Which I am not, lets make that clear, infact I really need a hobby, because I feel I will just get fat and am bored. Today took 3 dogs to the vet, I guess we are running in cycles. It can be a big job but it doesn't last long. I guess what I am getting at is I feel useless. I haven't read anymore this past week, I guess I am getting lazy with that. You know if I could unpack boxes or even go through them and get rid of alot, maybe then I would feel helpful at least. I guess the thing is, when I am home which is a whole bunch, I feel overcome with taking care of these dogs, yet I dont want to go out and spend money, so the lesser of the 2 would be home and save money. I need a hobby badly! So how are you doing, I can see that you have been busy, I'm sure you are. I will be sending you a card soon, and it will have the necklace from mom. You know I got with her for lunch last week and she is looking older and older everytime I see her. She just doesn't take care of her self, like she should. I am learning alot about myself from this self matters book and see things for what they were when I was a child. Watching these two grow up reminds me so much of you and I growing up. I will be sending you pictures with the card. I really need a purpose with my life, I haven't found it yet and am hoping that after I truly find myself, I will know what my purpose is, I guess I just feel lost right now. The hubby and I am doing good, you know, even when we disagree, I don't step down on what I believe, and you know if I have to tell him that he isn't always right and doesn't know all, I do now. I am glad that I did not give up on us, I know we have alot to work out, but we are getting better as a couple. You know A1 is going through that teenager stage, it is all about her. She is doing great in school, and with sports, but when she doesn't get her way, she gets pissy. This weekend she will be going to Disneyland with the 8th grade class, we have to have her to the school by 3am and she will return about 1 am the following morning. she will have fun, I know this and I know she is excited because we won't be there. When we first heard of this trip, I told her I would check with the school about going with to be a chaparone, and she told me not to. I know she is embarassed of me, but I guess it is nothing like we were of mom. She came to me one day and asked me if I could do her homework and I looked at it and said NO. You wouldn't believe what she was doing in math, it looked so hard and I felt so stupid, I know she felt smart and that I guess is what is important. Well I have to go and change out dogs, I love you and will talk to you soon. Write when you can. (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 20th, 2008
10:33 am	Been busy You know sometimes he can suprise teh hell out of me. These last couple of days have been good. HE quickly got over the last thing that he whined about. In fact, friday morning we ended up getting up before 5am and then he was off to work, after the last blurty, what came next suprised me. As he was leaving he handed this letter to me and said, when the girls wake up then open this and not until then, it was a letter. See the night before, I was tired, the girls went to bed at there usual time and I fell asleep on the couch watching tv. So he was there to reflect on alot. So anyway this letter, boy I just didn't know what it was going to say, it was killing me with suspence and driving me up the wall. So, leave it to me, like a fricken kid, I opened it saw that there was another envelope in it with a letter and saw money in it, so I knew it was going to be an alright letter and closed it back up, waited aother hour and a half and then called the girls to the table. I began to read it and it was one of the most moving letters he has written. IT said although he knows he has been an ass lately, he wanted to let us all know that he loves us very much and that we are his world and he lives for us. Needless to say by the time I got done reading the letter we were all crying. It said that he has been under so much stress on wheither to go or stay it has been taking a toll on him. Understandable. So after that, I opened the next envelope and there was a 100 dollars for each of us to spend as we see fit. It was great for the kids to get that. See it has finally come to where we can put money behind us and he did a good thing for the girls by doing that, I think they needed it and they needed it from him. We are slowing getting back on our feet. We have not started working with the credit cards but at least we are able to make the payments that really count. Soon, if we stay here we will be able to work out something with them. You know if I had to tell you right now if I thought we were going or staying it would be staying. You know since we have come back we have been introduced to a couple and there son (who is only 6 months older then A1), anyway it has been really nice, because we really enjoy spending time with them, we spend more time with them then we do the hubbys ex-business partner and his family. In fact they went to the Van halen concert with us last night, they ended up buying tickets friday night because we had tickets, that was cool. Tonight they want to get together with our family at there house to grill out dinner and take a dip in the pool and spa. "J" will be his letter hers will be "D", he is a cop and works with my hubbys brother and D works in a high class nail salon. And they are good people and for the first time in a long time I finally feel like I have a friend here. I feel good about things, the only thing I am really working on right now is me, I am still reading Self matters and will continue to do so until I have finished it. I am proud of my girls and happy that they are happy as far as I can tell. A1 shocked the heck out of me this past week, damn I am so glad she is so much smarter then I ever was, she does amaze me. She came home the other day and showed us a test she had taken in English, then she goes on to tell us that her teacher said she received the highest score out of all her classes, even by-passed the gate kids that the teacher had. What a proud moment. Then we went to her basketball banquet on Thursday night, and she got Defensive player of the year. With the way she is headed, I hope she gets a schlorship to the college of her choice, and if we can keep the twins focused and on the same track, I hope they do to. Well I hope you have a good day at work and I will be printing out pictures this week and will send you some, Also mom told me she found baby necklaces and I will get that from her and will send you yours. So I hope to get that done this week. I love you and will talk to you soon. (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 17th, 2008
8:56 am	Some times I think he can be so childish and stupid. You know he pouts all the time if he doesn't get his way, sometimes I think worse then the kids and he stays mad over the stupidest things. I am not sad or mad, just don't understand why he is such a big baby sometimes. This is what happened, last night at dinner A3 licked her fork and that drives him to insanity, why it does I don't know, anyway, he finally had enough and told her to go get a plastic fork and that is what she will use until Monday. I think it was stupid, I think he over reacts alot and then when he does he wants me to back him up over somethings that can be so stupid. Anyway he went on a tangent for 5 minutes and then wanted me to join in and I didn't by stateing this, he asks me in front of her "why, Why do you think she does it?" Now of course he wants me to join in on his tangent and I guess he was in for a shock because my answer was, Well, I think she does it because she really likes the dinner we have and wants to clean her fork. Boy did that piss him off, I was suppose to join in on his rediculous rampage and I didn't, I was truthfull. So his answer to that was "If I wanted a C---L (moms name) answer I would have asked. You see, if he doesn't get an answer he likes he tells me I am being just like mom. You asked I told you how I felt I said. He sat theree dumb founded. After they left the table he pats my leg and says thanks for backing me up and you always do (sarcastic response). He then left the table and sat on the couch, after that I didn't get one civil word the rest of the night, in fact, after I did the dog run, he gets up and goes to take a shower and A2 came over asked where daddy was, I said I think taking a shower, she said ok, I will sit here until he gets back, which was next to me, I said ok. Well 5 mintues later he comes out and I told her it was time to get up and he starts in about no, no you stay right there, I told him, she was only sitting here until you got back, he goes on about how they can take it over in no time. Just stupid I thought, all they want to do is sit next to me, big fucking deal. Get over it. Anyway, I let him return to the bedroom pisst and waited till I knew he was alseep and then went to bed. Just stupid. Even this morning he tells me how out of control they are going to be when they get older and he won't be around to help, it will be me who will have to deal with it. At this point that is fine, becuase I have good kids and to be honest, I know tey won't be as screwed up as I was I know that, I am more involved in there life, I actually give a shit about them, unlike our mother (sad to say). You know A1 brought home straight A's on her report card, what more can you ask, she plays sports, and is responsible, yes she may lie, but we can get past that and work on that. Today Dr. Phils episode is about living with a Liar, you know I am recording that and will have A1 watch it later with me. A2 and A3 are doing really well in school, they have fun which brings me to another negative thing about the hubby, he keeps telling them that he is going to have them repeat the 5th grade because they are not mature enough yet and he speaks for me about that also, he will say, even without asking me first "your mom and I think you are not ready for the 6th grade and therefore we are going to hold you back" He does it all the time, I don't say anything, the girls know I won't let it happen, I have already told them they were going to 6th and I would not hold them back, and I wont. I hate when he speaks for me, I have to wonder if he is normal or not, I have to wonder if this is how I want to live the rest of my life. He's got such crazy rules and there is no doubt that we have different parenting skills. You know I guess the next time he puts my parenting skills down, like I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, I need to say something to him about that. I am a good parent and most importantly, I love my kids with a passion and would do anything for them, even back them up when my husband is wrong, he is a right fighter you know, has to always be right, even when he isn't. Me, I am a peace keeper, anything to keep the peace. So whats been going on with you, school work, the kids. let me know. I love and miss you sis and I will talk to you soon. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, April 11th, 2008
9:19 am	Quick update I guess I should tell you that everything is going good right now. The hubby and I are fine and happy. I know that we will fight and it may get really ugly after I start to find more things out about myself by reading Self matters, that was my only hesitation about reading it to begin with, I might actually get a mind of my own and that might bring crap to the table. I have to look at all aspects of this and bring myself back, I have to do this for me and my children. You know I haven't told you but since S has been out of the house now for 3 weeks, not once have the girls spent the night at grandmas and grandpa's. Which I knew was coming, she only did it because of S. How shallow is that of her. A1 only asked once and I made some excuse up about her needing to take a break to get her thoughts together about this whole thing, but in all honesty, she didn't care to begin with, it wasn't about meeting and getting to know my kids, it was about S. She hasn't even called, only once has she brought over S and her sister to play with the girls for an hour. To be honest, that is ok with me, I don't have to hear her bullshit and any other bullshit that she wants to tell me about. I might loose it if she ever does call me about the girls and why they aren't coming over anymore. If I do that, I might break every relationship I have with her, but at this point I'm not sure I give a shit, it's not me she is hurting, it is the girls. She sucks. Well enough rambling, I need to go dust the house. Oh I have to tell you, this sunday is the hubby's birthday and I got him the best present ever, Van Halen tickets. HE has been talking and talking about this for such a long time and I surprised him with them. No, I know your thinking this, I don't like the group, a few songs maybe, but it isn't my type of music, this is totally for him. But the thing about it, I went and spent 4 dollars on a shirt and 5 dollars on shoes and I am going to look so HOT that night, i am excited about that. I love feeling thin, I will have the girls take pictures next weekend the 19th and I will send you one. I love you very much and maybe soon, one way or the other we will be able to see each other again. (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 10th, 2008
9:17 am	It's been a few days Well I know it has been a few days, that was because I have been sick, it started Friday night and lasted through Tuesday adn I still feel a little weak because of it. Stupid Allergies, thats what started it all. They have been bad this spring. You know I was talking to mom the other day and as usual she never listens, I told her before in the other state that I had bad allergies and when she called tuesday I told her that they had gotten me sick and her comment was I didn't know you had allergies. Sometimes I think telling her stuff is useless, she doesn't listen anyway, only if it has to do with her. So, the girls, I found out yesterday that A2 and A3 are going to be placed in advanced classes next year. A1 should have been placed in advance classes this year but coming from a small town, she wasn't, but next year she will also be placed in advanced classes. Sometimes I feel so dumb compared to them but at the same time I am so proud of them. You know, A2 asked me how old I was when I went to college and I told her I didn't that i had A1 to take care of and that is the reason why it is so important that they go. So needless to say, she was surprised. You know mom never pushed the issue, maybe it was because "T" dropped out and all she wanted was us to graduate or maybe because it was all about her back then too, maybe a little of both. I think I should further my education also, maybe it is time to do that too. Being here I feel I can accomplish what I need too, I am still reading self matters, I need to get through the book and find my calling in life, besides being a mother, I know it sounds stupid, but I feel I have no purpose other then that right now. You know we all talk about you and I, how similar we are and how you would whoop on my hubby for things here, it is a constant joke that my hubby says to the girls or how when I give him a certain look he will call me aunt ---- It's funy and after that is said I tell him if your not careful, I will let her whoop on you. Well I need to go straighten out our books and take a shower, I love and miss you so much. P.S. did you check out Redbox Let me know. Love you (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 3rd, 2008
9:07 am	So, I guess it has been a couple of days, alot has happened since I last updated this past weekend. The hubby and I are trying to work this out, I guess I found out what he really means about the sex thing, I thought and thought about it until I hurt my brain trying to figure it out. Needless to say I did and for now things are good between us, I for some reason don't want to let go of him, for some reason I believe that he is the one for me. I know he has alot to work out to and with time, he will. I have spoke more openly with him these past months since we moved back and it has been the best and worst ever between us. I guess we still have so much to work on and I am hoping that we can. I can't explain why I go through this all the damn time, one way then the other, I know it is driving you crazy and with each passing moment you probably want to tell him off, trust me I sometimes feel the same way. We are trying, trying really hard to make it work. One of the things that he mentioned was that I needed to find myself and he is right about that, I have lost myself to all this and now I know it is time for me again. I have started reading self matters by Dr. Phil, it is just the begining, but I take time each day to read and work on things. He is right so far about me I put on a show, and this time, I need to find me. I don't know if you have read that book, but it is making sense to me so far, so if it works maybe I will truly find myself. We are talking about the move more and more. We just don't know if it will be the right thing for us. Here we can get back on our feet and be able to do more because we have control over our destiny, where as back there we would be in the hands of that county or the people that we are associated with. Yes the schools would be better, the open space etc. but we just don't know right now what to do, so we are playing it out and living right now for us here. I just don't know and the hubby doesn't either. It wouldn't break my heart if we stayed here becuase I know in time we could afford to go out there to see you when things are better and yet, living back there, we could drive up to see you also. I am just taking one day at a time to see where the path will lead me. See another thing is and to be honest this is a completely selfish reason for staying here, and that would be, after I find out what I want for me, I will have the funds to do it, weither it be to go back to school, take dance classes even at my age, I have the freedom to do that here, I f I want ot go to work and start another career path for me, I can do that here. I am worried that we might be in such a financial disater back there, it does scare me. Wheither we file or don't, I know we can beat it here. It is such a hard call for all of us. Once we do make that decision, I know the girls will be ok with whatever we do decide, I guess it is truly how we handle it as a family. Not knowing sucks you know. I miss you very much and love you because you are strong and my best friend, my sister. Well I hope you have a good day at work and school. I am so proud of what you are doing I am even envy of you. I love you and I will keep you posted on what's going on here, sorry I didn't do it sooner. Love you (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 29th, 2008
11:01 am	Gone again It was as I had thought, he has been gone since 7:30 this morning, he just called, I guess I had decided that I wasn't going to call him first this morning. I have been sitting here for 3 hours playing free cell on the computer, I have won every game, I guess it is a way for me to think or not to think of whats going on. When he called, you could tell that he is bothered by what has happened to us, I do feel sorry for him, but he doesn't say anything that would even be a slight chance of us lasting. He told me that he has other work to do, I know with him it is a way to stay out of the house, he doesn't want to be here and I don't blame him, I don't want to be here either but I have nowhere to go, stuck I guess you can say. I want to cry, but am holding it back, I don't know that I want to cry over this anymore. It hurts like you wouldn't believe, to know that he has all but given up on us because our sex life isn't like it was when we first got together, he said it should be different, and therefore because it isn't we longer have a relationship. That sucks that he would give like like that, if only he knew that maybe, just maybe over the years things have changed because of the way he has talked to me, been toward me and maybe it isn't all because of me. I told him yesterday that I do feel different then I did when we first started out, I feel unworthy, and weak. I know I am not as strong as I once was. Why that is, I don't know. Maybe I need to leave the house today, go put gas in the car and go somewhere, maybe just drive, just drive away for the day. It's funny how he can leave and find things to do to stay away, and I get to sit here and look at our lives and do nothing but think about us and where it all went wrong, how this could be, and the thing about it is, I have noone but you to talk to because he won't tlak anymore, he said yesterday would be the last time, he would not talk about it again. I need to go shower otherwise I will sit here and do nothing all day. I will tak to you soon. Love and miss you! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
8:30 am	My eyes say it all This morning I woke to barely being able to see. They were shut from all the crying yesterday. We had our talk, and it seemed to be a good one, we really talked, we talked about freely covered all areas of our relationship, I guess the most important to him was the talk we had about our sex life and where it is and started. We left on good terms, hugging and hoping that things were on the better track. You know the last time we had a talk, I told him never to threaten to leave again and you know what, he didn't. He infact told me regardless of where our relationship is, he wouldn't be going anywhere. He said he would never leave me no matter how bad it got, he was here for life, if he would have left, he would have done it already, therefore he wasn't going anywhere. So after our talk we had dinner with the kids, laughed at the ice war that we had and life seemed to be back to normal. Then after he got out of the shower I knew something was wrong, he was being really cold to me, then he said he was going to bed and I could do whatever I wanted. I told him I wanted to be with him and went to bed also. That is when I found out that he was expecting to have sex and because I didn't he said to me, "I;m not leaving, but I'm Done! do you understand that, I'm done!" I cried so hard like you wouldn't know. My marriage is done, we will live as two people that are rasing kids with nothing else. I hurt so bad, I even rolled over and put my arm around him in the hopes that he would even touch my hand, but he didn't, so I got out of the bed and went and sat in the bathroom floor and cried, till I could cry no more. Not once while I cried did he reach out to comfort me, try to hug me, or even squeeze my hand to comfort me in anyway. I finally went to sleep, knowing I have nothing left to say or nothing I can do to help this marriage. HE got up this morning and I went to the bathroom and tried to open my eyes, I held a cold rag to my face for 1/2 hour to help them and he came in and said he had to go to work. so here I am, sitting and waiting to find out if he is still so upset with me for not changing over night. I really thoght we had a good talk, we talked about our child hood, about me bringing up my self confidence and what I can do to better or should I say, accept me for me. He asked if you too were the same way on some issues and I told him you were, it was maybe the way we were raised or genetics, I dodn't know either way we were very sensitive to everything. Well I guess all I can say is I am waiting for him to get home to see if he is going to treat me badly or if he is going to be kind. If someone is going to leave it will have to be me who walks away, I know that now, I will have to end this or I will have to live with my choice of staying in this relationship. I just don't know yet, I don't know how I will feel once he gets home from work. I have alot to think about right now, I have this weekend to sort this out with him adn if he can't be civil to me then I can't live with that, I can't live with someone who is Done with me, I want him to be loving and put his arm around me when I cry, come up and hug me without me starting the hug, I want him to not want sex everytime he touches me (Comment on this)
Friday, March 28th, 2008
9:42 am	Two hours later I took the kids to the bus stop came home and called him and he didn't have the love in his voice as he would when I talk to him daily. I know how he is feeling, I too am feeling the same way. I reread my journal and cried, I guess I know what is coming. This morning I decided to do a reading with my angel cards and they said things to me that I should already know. I'll start by saying if I remember correctly I left the children card on the top of the deck the last time I used the cards. See I leave a card on top and the rest of the deck is facing the other way. Well when I opened it today the card on top was Manifestation, I then took the deck and asked for guidance on my relationship, 6 card draw First was spiritual growth - Surrender my fears to god and the angels, trust that I am supported, loved and guided each moment. don't worry about how my future will be, it will blend with my spiritual growth because I am going through a time of rapid spiritual growth. Second - Body care (blocked) The angels are telling me to take care of my physical body, I need to take care of me, they say I am resisting this because I have received this card the last time I did a reading. Third - Aswered Prayers - My prayers have been heard and answered, sometimes I may not feel this way because they come in unexpected ways like intuitive feelings, new opportunities, book falling off a shelf - the angels are asking that I be extra observant, notice everything that I hear, say, think or feel. I need to accept the help that is given, I deserve the assistance. Fourth - Celebration (Blocked) This is the time to fill my heart with a warm feeling and gratitude, hold strong in this gratitude. If I plant a seed and take care of it, it will grow. So they are saying, that I should make decisions that will help everyone grow around me, I will be the key. Although this card is blocked that tells me that I haven't planted my seed and need to be aware of that in order to celebrate. Fifth - Blessings - God and the angels are helping me right now and I need to continue to ask for their help and then accept it when it comes (and it always does). The angels want me to know that I have extra blessings and angels around me and they are surrounding me with more divine love then ever. The angels are always with me although sometimes it may not feel like it, all I have to do is ask them to take away my fears and then I need to LET them. I am blessed and loved by god and the angels. Sixth - Divine guidance - I need to trust and follow my intuition, it is god and the angels speaking to me. I am being divinely guided right now, the gut feelings I have, the knowingness, the visions and the inner voice are trying to tell me something and it is important that I trust and follow this guidance. It also says that I need to pay attention to the cards by its side (blessings) because it contains important instuctions for me in it's message that the angels wish to impress upon me. So after that reading I shuffled the deck 3 times and felt the need to do a one card draw asking about my first step with this. the card that appeared was Manifestation. it was the card at the top of the deck when I opened it. It means I have manifested new opportunites and abundance. I can experiance these gifts right now, the rewards of feeling peace, security and happiness are manifested exactly as requested. First is the idea, then feelings, god and the angels will give me this through my feelings, dreams and visions and with this faith, god and I can do anything. As I have sat here to write all this, I have been listening to the radio, which I don't do all that often, and you know that lenny kravtz came on and he was the hubby's choice for our wedding song, it made me cry as I listened to the words and then Chris daughtry came on, Im going home to the place where I belong. I guess what I am saying is maybe today is the day, if so, I need to stop crying and see things for the way they are and when he says he is leaving, I need to let him go although I am not want to, it is what's best for all of us. Love you, talk to you soon. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
7:13 am	Our begining will be our end Do you remember the begining of our relationship he asked, you couldn't keep your hands off me, that is what I want. That was 7 years ago. See I guess like I have said before it seems that our relationship is based on our sex lives and how often we have it. Yesterday, he asked if we could have sex that night and knowing it was mid week and I knew it was coming anyway, I said yes. Well the visitors didn't tell they were going to show yesterday, I thought I wasn't going to start until saturday, it has been like clock work for 6 months or more, always a saturday. So knowing that I said yes because he is always disappointed when they do show up. Well after he got home from work yesterday I told him that the visitors showed up and his comment was if I wouldn't have asked they wouldn't have showed up. I told him it isn't like I have control over that and explained the saturday thing and he was upset. Well needless to say it only got worse that night. I knew he would react to that and told me that he wanted it anyway and believe it or not I was willing even though I didn't want to because I don't like it like that but knowing it was to keep the peace I would. He is so crazy and reminds me almost bdaily about how I acted toward him in the begining, it's always about the begining, it doesn't matter that we have both changed over the years is all ways, it should be the way it was in the begining. He ended up going to bed at 7:30 last night, I wanted to sleep on the couch last night, but finally dragged my ass to bed at 2:30 in the morning only because I knew it might cause more problems. He got up at 5 this mornign and left for work, didn't say bye just left. I haven't called him this morning and I won't until the girls all go to school. See I heard him get up this morning and I got up with in 15 minutes of him getting up and he was gone by the time I walked out into the livingroom. This is where we are. See I know him well and what will happen next he will come home and threaten to leave and if he does, maybe it will be for the best. Our relationship shouldn't be based on our sex lives. You know he doesn't hug me unless I place myself in his arms, he doesn't do alot of things that I like, but I was never going to end or relationship because of it. HE tells me daily how beautiful I am, and how he is so attracted to me and that is fine and good, but he doesn't hold me just out of the blue. I am scared that this is the end of us. See I think I know why he says he's not sure if he wants to move back to the other state, it's because he isn't sure that we are going to be together for much longer. He has every right to be hesitant, because I am also. We can't move to fix this, we have to fix this or the girls and I have to move away from here, I know this in my heart. I will keep you posted on this but I know today we will have another talk or fight about it and by the time he gets home from work he will have decided what he wants to do and I have a feeling it will be to leave at which point, I will have to let him go, although it will hurt, it might be what is best for all of us. See I do have a plan, the girls and I will stay here until the summer, A1 will be out of school, A2 and A3 will be pulled out a little early and by then we will have made enough money to move without having to borrow any. We will have a little to start out with and he will send some monthly. See, I know this is coming to an end, I can feel it in my bones. I don't mind taking care of the dogs until we move out, then he can have the house, he can have it all, all I want are my girls and a few personal belongings. This will give me a few months to go through everything that we have and get rid of things that don't matter all that much to us. I guess the hardest part of it all will be to tell the girls he moved out of the house. I guess by saying all this, I am prepared for the end, although I don't want it to end I think he does and I refuse to live under misrable conditions and I guess what I am saying is I won't. Maybe him moving out he will realize what he does have and have a change of heart, maybe that is what I want from this. I know I have to let go for things to heal, maybe that is what will happen. Well I have to go now, have to get the girls to the bus stop. I will talk to you soon. Love and miss you. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 26th, 2008
10:42 am	Dreaming You know these past couple night I have been dreaming alot. Last night I had a dream of another man named Matt L. I don't know who he was or who he would have reminded me of because I don't know. The other night was a dream about another guy don't remember who, but the dreams are vivid. Nothing happens in them but the attraction is there I can feel it. The other night I was dreaming that I cried really hard, I don't remember what it was about, but I keep dreaming and remembering them when I wake up which is odd. I guess it is my subconscience telling me something. I guess I should start writting them down. Other then that, I guess I am completely bored at the house, have no money to go out and get some things, but that won't last too much longer. All we need to do is hang in there for another couple weeks. Things are going to get better, then things will get on time again. The hubby fired his worker yesterday and that was a good thing, this guy was an idiot. A1 lost her basketball game yesterday, so she is done now. They were so close and then the coach made some really stupid choices and he took the game from the girls, it sucked, but someone had to lose. Well I better get going, have to go get in the shower and start the day. Love you and miss you alot. Talk to you soon. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 25th, 2008
8:36 am	stuff to think about You know I thought our relationship was on a better track and come to find out that we are still just hanging in there on a thin line of what is called a relationship. See Saturday we had a big blow out again and he told me he was leaving again. See it started with sex, Thursday with all that had happened it was the first time I was uncomfortable with the way we had sex and it was the first time I was trying so hard for it to be over with. Then came saturday and all I could think about was thursday's episode and my mind wasn't in it and he knew it, so we didn't do it and he got mad. He told me he was done and didn't deserve to be treated this way because he loved me so much and I don't even like him, so of course we started talking and after fighting and I told him maybe I didn't like him at times because he wasn't nice to me, and the conversation went on for over 2 hours. He stayed, but I don't know if he will forever. I told him not to threaten to leave anymore, if he is going to do it, just do it. See I am not afraid anymore and I don't care if he does leave I will make it regardless and he thinks I won't, but I am strong enough to do this if I have too. So many thing are still up in the air. I am sorry to do this to you, keep you up in the air, I just don't know if we are strong enough to fight this out. Last night we got to talking about moving again and he had his drinks before the conversation and I knew what mood he was in adn he asked to take out 100 and go to the bar and I said no, and stuck to my words and it pissted him off and he starts in on me and I told him that we are not in a financial place for him to do that and so he starts talking trash, which I knew was coming. Well this morning, he thanked me for the first time for keeping him home, I told him I was only doing what was best for him and us and he understood. He knows what he is like when he drinks and he needs to stop and he knows this, maybe one day he will. You know the sooner we get out of here, the better of I will be, I am to the point where I might tell off his mother for being stupid and his sister for being a crack whore. I am trying to keep my mouth shut, but now that S isn't living with us anymore I am not have to. See his mother can't stay away from S and called her mother up to find out why she removed her from our home and his sister told her that she didn't like things that were going on in the house and so she took her out. Sis feels that her parenting skills are so much better then ours (I guess that would explain why S lived with us for 7 months) anyway I know that his mother didn't back us up on our parenting skills because she doesn't want to get onto sis's bad side, so did it hurt my feelings, yes it did, I am a good mother and we have structure in this house. See the real reason for the move is sis had to babysit her youngest daughter 5 nights a week and was getting tired of it, so she moved S back in with her so that way she could get Grandma to start taking them at night so she could have her freedom again. It didn't take sis 24 hours before she had S call her grandma and ask for her and the little one to spend the night on sunday night. Thankfully grandma said no because she had something to do, but she will give in and the shit will continue from there. I don't pitty grandma anymore she brings it on herself, infact I want nothing to do with her and we have decided that we will not send the girls there anymore, it's not like she will ask anymore anyway since S isn't living with us anymore, that really was her only motive for it to begin with. Well today like yesterday I am bring out the summer clothes, and I am getting rid of alot that I haven't worn in years. I tried on alot that I haven't worn and to my amazement they fit again, I feel good about that. Did I tell you that I did locks of love again, now my hair is shoulder length again, she chopped it off, wasn't happy about it, but it will grow back, she cut of like 15 inches, I only wanted 12 at the most. Oh well. Well today A1 has her payoff game, I am hoping that they win, so she can play again. I know she wants to win. Well I have to go now, have to continue the dog run and get to doing my clothes. I love you and miss you very much. Good luck on your next test, remember that I am so proud of you!!!!!!!! (Comment on this)
Friday, March 21st, 2008
10:01 am	major changes Will the biggest thing is it was 7 months to the day and "S" moved out. this came as a shock yesterday, his sister called and said that she was removing S from the home and moving into her fathers house, is that what is best for S, No, but there is nothing that can be done, it will be a matter of 2 weeks when the shit will hit the fan and things will change again. Alot will change with this, the thing that will change for my 3 are that his mother will not see them as much as she did before. I guess we will see in the next few weeks. I got the results on the ultrasound and it turns out I have an ovarian sist, not to big he said, so other then that everything is ok. So that was a relief for me, the next time is my yearly check up next feb. or march adn that is fine. Well as you know, dad and KH came out, I got to talk to her for quite a while on tuesday when we went to circus circus and she asked about my marriage and I told her the truth about it, I have told her that this past month has been the best it ever has been and now she understands why you disapprove of him so much. I told her that he can't find out that she knows and she must keep it to herself. So at least she knows now and I even told her about telling him that if things didn't work out that I was coming there. So now that it is out in the open you can talk to her about some things just don't talk to her bothers and sisters, I don't need everyone knowing and I don't want him to feel a change if we should ever visit, because if he does then I don't know what could happen. Well A1 start playoffs on tuesday, I will let you know how that turns out. Hey I have to go pick her up from practice now, I love you and miss you and I hope that everything works out for you and your job. I love you. (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 13th, 2008
9:12 am	Lots on my mind Well this week has been a little hectic. First we went to A2's appointment on Monday, she will have to have an EEG done to determine if she is having petit mal seizures, so I got a little defensive that day, i just don't think it she has it. I guess it would be everyones nightmare that something is wrong with there child. Yesterday was a bad emotional day for myself. I had the ultrasound done and I was looking at the screen while she was doing it and I kept seeing a white mass on it, I guess it could be alot of things, scare tissue from the c-section or from having my tubes tied, who knows, it will take a week for the doctor to get the results so next wednesday I will have to find out, have an appointment at 10:50 in the morning. I will text you after it to let you know. Yesterday, I threw my diet right out the window, didn't count and ate whatever, I guess I fed my emotional stress yesterday. Mom went to A1's game the other day and will go to this one today, being it is her last game before the finals start, it is really nice. She is getting old, I see it everytime I see her, she can barely walk and she just goes on and on about nothing. She should be alot lighter then she is, but I guess that isn't up to us. I hope everything is going good for you, you haven't wrote in a week, so update and let me know how things are going. I have to go shower so I can go pick out glasses, these ones are about done. Lots to do, like clean the house before dad gets here this sunday, I told the girls that we are doing a serious cleaning this saturday. Well I have to go, I love and miss you alot. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 8th, 2008
8:48 am	I get to update today because the hubby has to work this morning. I guess it is nice to be expecting to finally catch up on the bills (not the credit cards) but everything else. With in a few days we should hear about this house, the hubby spoke with him a few days ago and for him to get excited, it sounds good. I know in my heart it will work out and that is because of the dream I had long before we ever moved into this house. I had a dream that we were moving out of here, I think I wrote about it in an earlier journal shortly after we moved in, so I told the hubby this the other night. Everything will work out, the only thing we will have to do is find me a job. It shouldn't be that hard since we know alot of people and they liked me, and know I am a hard worker. This time we won't sell the business, we will keep it running and draw money from it from the new state. So we will see. The thing about it is, we have to move before A1 starts high school so, August is our month to move. Tonight we are going to a bbq at the screaming babies house, yea, what fun this will be. I talked on the phone to her yesterday and all i heard were her kids screaming in the background, I was irratated (spelling) by it, but her husbands brother is in town and wants to cook for all of us, I think the real reason is he doesn't want to be stuck there by himself with them. I don't blame him a bit. I guess I will have to put up with the ex-business partner for awhile. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it. :) Nothing much going on here anyway, Monday is A2's appointment, I know there is nothing wrong, because I haven't seen anything since we went to the doctors the last time. I know she is a day dreamer and that is it. With dad coming out I asked him if he wants to go to that amuzement park and he said yes, and wants to have Katelin and darion go also, I just hope there parents don't go, if they do my hubby won't. then the problems will begin. But if that is what dad wants, that is fine with me, it will get the kids together at least for awhile. Well I need to go work out for awhile and shower before grandma comes over to get 2 of the girls. I love you and miss you and can't wait to see you. (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 6th, 2008
9:49 am	Well, I don't know how much time I have, but a quick update is better then none. I am still with my diet, the hubby stopped his, so there went $350, I don't know if he is going to start it up again or not, but the fact that I am still with mine, irratates him, because he will make comments about me counting and tries to get me to eat more and more, which I don't. I am sticking with it until I have lost what I want. The hubby went to the doctors today, he is having a problem hearing, I think it is because he has fluid in his ears, I guess we will soon see, I should be getting a call soon. I spoke to the attorney yesterday about A2's case against the orthodontist and he said he had a specialist look at it and he is at fault and will take the case to see if we can get money from him, I told him, all I want it is for him to be held accountable for it. I guess I am getting excited about moving again, I guess I will leave alot behind, stuff we don't need, I was thinking about holding a garage sale this spring, make a few bucks, and what ever is left donate it, I need to start going through stuff now and set a date. The girls are all doing well, the twins are looking forward to spring break, we told them instead of a b-day party, we would all go to a amuzement park (CC). I will let dad know that we will be going to see if he wants to go. Have you heard on the news about this clinic that reused needles here in this town and have spread hepitius C, well, the hubby's parents have to be tested because they went to one of the clinics that is owned by those doctors. I will keep you posted with that, if the should test positive for it, we will all need to be tested too (kids too). Well I need to go shower and weigh myself, I will text you if I have lost any, otherwise you will know. I love you and miss you. Talk to you soon. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, March 3rd, 2008
8:50 am	March already well, it is hard to believe that it is march already, only 3 full months of school left for A1, another month of basketball and that will be done. it is amazing that she will be in high school next year. since the school year has started she has gotten taller and thiner, she is truly beautiful. She has changed over the year, gotten more head strong, I guess that would be a teenager for you. The twins are doing great also, A2 so simple and quiet, A3 can be a handfull. they remind me of you and I, A2 is you and A3 is me. it really is funny. A2 within a couple of weeks is going to do locks of love with me, she has been growing her hair out and is excited about it. after cutting it, she will have shoulder lenght hair and to be honest she looks great in that lenght. A3 doesn't like short hair and because of that, she is going to wait until it gets longer and that way, it can be in the middle of her back when she does cut it. I think it will be a special day when we go cut it together. Well over the last week not much has happened. I did really well over the week with my diet, by the end of the week I was eating only 15 points worth, then the weekend rolled around and to be honest I didn't even try to count, next weekend I will but it felt good to eat and not count. I want to lose at least 5 if not ten before we go back, i know I can do it. You know, i must say that the hubby can through a trantrum like any kid. He wanted to go out on saturday night and that would have cost us at least 300, and I told him no, not until we can afford to do it and all night long I got nothing but an attitude from him. at least this time, I got my opinon in on this one, and the way I see it is I won, because I didn't care that he was whining about it. Over the last week I realized that he is a starter and not a finisher, he will start a project and not finish it, like the stone on the house, hell buy trees for the front yard, but not plant them , so they die, start a project in the house and not finish and the list can go on. I guess it frives me crazy, because these projects cost money. I hope with nutri systems, since it cast over 300 for food, he will atually do this, becuase they will charge his card next month and will probaly get rejected because there won't be money on it. he needs to lose weight, he is getting really big and if he wants to work for the pd when we get back, he needs to be in shape. I feel better then ever physically then I have in a long time. the difference between you and I, I have nothing to do but watch the dogs and kids. I found out if I would have taken that job a month ago, I would be really close if not manageing my own property by now, I found out they ended up firing a women from a property of theres and that would have been what I was trained for. The regional talked about me on friday when the hubby was in her office taking her some papers and he called and had me fax more to her while he was there and she told him that she wouldn't have made me work that hard if I would have worked for her, she wants someone with organization skills and I do have that. I know she wants me to work for hewr, but it wouldn't be fair to her if I leave at the end of summer to move back. today I have to go over the bank account, I have not done it in over a week and to be honest so long I know we dont go under I don't care, I can't pay the bills anyway. alot of the creditors have stopped calling, since I don't answer anyway, I know my credit is shot and there is nothing I can do about it. it has been months since I have paid credit card bill, maybe since november/december there is nothing I can do. Next month should be a better month, maybe then, at least I can make the car payments. I am going to go through more clothes today and get rid of more, I guess I am finally downsizing since I won't ever fit or wear them again anyway. I have been having really weird dreams lately, don't know if something is going to happen or if I have too much on my mind. I guess maybe today or tomorrow I will try my cards again. well, I guess I need to stop rambling on and get to the bank account so I can start going trough some of the clothes and get rid of them. I love you and miss you very much, hopefully soon I will be able to see you again, it has been too long. give the girls love for me. (1 Comment |Comment on this)