Brandon

4:58pm: If i only knew
what was going on
if i only was somewhere
that wasnt here alone
if only i had remained ignorant
things might be easier

if i had not this compassion
if i had not this hope
if i could say fuck it
if i could leave these feelings behind
things might be easier

however i am unable
unable to let apathy prevail
unable to forget my kind
unable to not care..
so things will never get easier

11:26pm: wow... lonely night... stacey came over for a long while, it rocked, we had fun, she beat the shit out of me.

stacey left for joeys
parents went to bed
here i sit...
absolutely alone.
i'm looking for something a little more filling then fucking some girl who has no self respect and has no knowledge of the meaning of "deep conversation"

but maybe i will never find that....
who knows.
i cant actively look, because i will convince myself that any girl is right for me, when they probably aren't... i think it's better just to wait... maybe one will fall out of the sky or something....
i don't know. i really don't know. someone come visit me.


i have a fucking work meeting at 9:00 in the AM tomorrow... fuck that shit. then my mom and me and maybe stacey are going to go shopping, shes going to buy me new clothes and shoes... sweeeeet.
then i work at 5. i'm grounded till sunday night... FUCK. i hate being grounded.
especially over christmas break (new years too) and then on the first weekend after going back to school.... damn it.

We are playing a house show the 17th, should be fun... i have to work till 9, so i'll haul ass over there afterwards, run the doors while NIMBY plays, and then they will run the doors while we play... wutt evv urr.
so alone.
i know you all know the feeling where you can be with a hundred people in a tiny ass garden shed and still feel alone... and still be totally oblivious to their presence... that feeling sucks... and ive had it before, but usually just every once in a while... its been a constant in my life recently. i dont feel alone when i hang out with stacey, shes such a good friend. i care for her a lot... and i truely am finally over my romantic feelings for her, which is good, because it makes it a lot easier to be good friends with her.

i am just fucking rambling, trying to keep my mind off the feeling... whatever, i'll fall asleep soon, when you sleep, nobodies homeless, when you sleep, you cant feel the hunger..... when you sleep, shes standing there with open arms, and if you asked her, shed never let go, and one night, can last forever.... when you sleep. and then i will wake up in the morning, and i won't truely wake up until i'm at work for the meeting... which will keep my mind off of it, then i will go shopping and hang out with stacey, which will make me not feel so alone... so tomorrow is looking up...
i still don't know what gets me out of bed every day... i still don't know why i bother.. and that is poem material right there. goodnight.
love,
brandon

11:32pm: what would you rise for
when nothing is right
what keeps you going
when you cry yourself to sleep at night
what makes it worth it
what makes you go on
when will this end
i can't stay this strong
i wish i could say i had a reason
i wish i could say i had a love
i wish i could say i woke up for this
but i don't know why i do
routine makes me roll out of bed,
acting like a zombie through my day
don't think just do because your used to
life going on this way
but i dont have a cause
nothing to carry on for
no one would really notice
if i just didn't get up anymore...

there... i wrote that in haste, i don't know why.
i will not revise it, or make it better, because i've come to realize purely original, unedited art is so much more important than its 'aesthetics' if you will....