Brandon's Journal

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Monday, March 1, 2004

Monday, March 1,2004 ; 7:02 PM

haven't written in this baby in forever. school blows. 2 of the bands are good, everyone in the commies hates each other. or rather tim hates me and is pissed at ryan, brian loves everyone, and me and ryan are mad at tim. confusing, i don't care.

i'm not doing much in my life. i hang out with friends, sleep... eat.. nothing great.
i'm doing some good things in therapy, it's helping me out a lot.
i'm back with stacey, we are giving it one more try... i'm trying my best to make it work, going good so far.

that's it. i'm too tired to say anything interesting.

Current mood: lazy

Current music: HIM // Join Me ; Matchbook Romance // 14 balloons

(2  brain washed youths with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Sunday, January 25, 2004

Sunday, January 25,2004 ; 10:10 PM

this music's so loud i can't think...
but i know i need a drink...
something's killing me,
something's wrong...

don't ask why i do this
don't ask me to explain,
please quit talking
all your causing is pain...

i'm in a shell tonight,
and nothing is alright...
something's killing me,
something's wrong.

so don't ask why i do this,
don't ask me to explain,
please quit talking,
all you cause is pain.

maybe we never had it right
maybe we shouldn't put up a fight
i don't want you to love me anymore
but then again i couldn't take it if you didnt...

so don't ask why i do this
don't ask me to explain
i'll take another drink
to quiet down my brain
you can quiet down my brain
please keep talking
while i fall asleep again

Current mood: crazy

Current music: The Early November // Baby Blue

(1  brain washed youth with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Wednesday, January 21,2004 ; 9:16 PM

if you are someone who this may be directed to, please don't take it to heart... because i'm not sure... my feelings seem to change every minute. But i wrote this, and i thought it was alright... so i'm posting it now... goodnight

"The Final Days Of Winter"

The cold wind slaps my face
Bringing back memories to trace
It bites at my bare fingers
And in the air a figurative death lingers
Winter has killed my love
Winter has killed my care
Missing what I speak of,
Missing being there..
In the warm summer we had
When we were both too young
We sat on your deck
While words of love rolled off my tongue
But that summer is gone
And I'm here alone
I'm not really settled
I dont call this home
I hear your voice in the howls
I see your face in the snow
I feel you touch my hand
I wish I could let you know
I made a mistake that summer
I regret it more than anything
The time wasn't enough to prove
This wasn't just a little fling
So you're giving me another chance
Said we can give it another go
But We'll never be the same
And I just want you to know
I miss what we had
I don't think I miss you
I can't take it back
I think this is through
I find a comfort in the cold
Of the long, lonely winter days
Just like before when it all fell apart
In the final winter phase

Current mood: confused

Current music: Engine Down // Colorado

(2  brain washed youths with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Tuesday, January 20,2004 ; 10:09 PM

eat my shit, i don't give a fuck, ground me, im content with being alone and doing nothing. i'll go when i want to, you can call the cops. they can eat my shit too. i really dont give two fucks what you think or what you want anymore, im done living for you.

school is bullshit, expectations are bullshit, my future is bullshit, this country is bullshit... so fucking what. it's not worth trying, especially if its something you don't like. i'm not going to waste the short life that i have living for other people. i'm going to have fun, i'm going to do what i like, and im going to forget about everything else... too fucking bad for you.

Current mood: pissed off

Current music: The Early November // I Want To Hear You Sad

(1  brain washed youth with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Sunday, January 18, 2004

Sunday, January 18,2004 ; 12:23 PM

word, played the showlast night
i thought it went well
the kids enjoyed it
we made some money
i broke my bass
my new one, that i got thursday

BUT
it's fixable. so i dont care.
word.

love
brandon

Current mood: lethargic

Current music: Gatsbys American Dream // Castaway

(6  brain washed youths with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Tuesday, January 13,2004 ; 11:03 AM

stayed home sick again today... i hope stacey will still come over after shes done at school... i just woke up. im tired, im sick, im too sick to smoke... but im quitting thursday... thats cool. uhhhh im going to go play my bass.
love
brandon

Current mood: sick

Current music: The Get Up Kids // I'm A Loner Dottie, A Rebel

(1  brain washed youth with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Monday, January 12, 2004

Monday, January 12,2004 ; 9:45 PM

Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
then making you my bride and slowly growing old together

im torn.
i don't really know what to say... i'm getting somewhere in therapy again... for a while i wasn't accomplishing anything, but right now im making a lot of progress, and it fucking sucks at times... and it's hard shit to deal with... i don't know. it seems so out of context, in this shitty apartment complex.

i missed you so much.

goodnight
brandon

Current mood: contemplative

Current music: The Postal Service // Nothing Better

(4  brain washed youths with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Sunday, January 11, 2004

Sunday, January 11,2004 ; 8:38 PM

that thing about some girl just falling out of the sky in my post a few days ago.... well it happened.... not literally, but figuratively it did...

i always liked to think about what it would be like if it happened, but i never in a million years actually expected it to again. in my mind i played it up to be such a great thing, and in real life..... i wasn't dissapointed at all...

however... when she said "i love you" just like she always used to, i tried to say it back.... but kind of choked on my words... whats up with that.
i do love her.

i'm not lonely any more, i am in a good mood...
i had fun hanging out with her tonight....

love
brando

Current mood: loved

Current music: HIM // It's All Tears

(3  brain washed youths with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Friday, January 9, 2004

Friday, January 9,2004 ; 11:32 PM

what would you rise for
when nothing is right
what keeps you going
when you cry yourself to sleep at night
what makes it worth it
what makes you go on
when will this end
i can't stay this strong
i wish i could say i had a reason
i wish i could say i had a love
i wish i could say i woke up for this
but i don't know why i do
routine makes me roll out of bed,
acting like a zombie through my day
don't think just do because your used to
life going on this way
but i dont have a cause
nothing to carry on for
no one would really notice
if i just didn't get up anymore...

there... i wrote that in haste, i don't know why.
i will not revise it, or make it better, because i've come to realize purely original, unedited art is so much more important than its 'aesthetics' if you will....

Current mood: lonely

Current music: Gatsby's American Dream // Castaway

(2  brain washed youths with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Friday, January 9,2004 ; 11:26 PM

wow... lonely night... stacey came over for a long while, it rocked, we had fun, she beat the shit out of me.

stacey left for joeys
parents went to bed
here i sit...
absolutely alone.
i'm looking for something a little more filling then fucking some girl who has no self respect and has no knowledge of the meaning of "deep conversation"

but maybe i will never find that....
who knows.
i cant actively look, because i will convince myself that any girl is right for me, when they probably aren't... i think it's better just to wait... maybe one will fall out of the sky or something....
i don't know. i really don't know. someone come visit me.


i have a fucking work meeting at 9:00 in the AM tomorrow... fuck that shit. then my mom and me and maybe stacey are going to go shopping, shes going to buy me new clothes and shoes... sweeeeet.
then i work at 5. i'm grounded till sunday night... FUCK. i hate being grounded.
especially over christmas break (new years too) and then on the first weekend after going back to school.... damn it.

We are playing a house show the 17th, should be fun... i have to work till 9, so i'll haul ass over there afterwards, run the doors while NIMBY plays, and then they will run the doors while we play... wutt evv urr.
so alone.
i know you all know the feeling where you can be with a hundred people in a tiny ass garden shed and still feel alone... and still be totally oblivious to their presence... that feeling sucks... and ive had it before, but usually just every once in a while... its been a constant in my life recently. i dont feel alone when i hang out with stacey, shes such a good friend. i care for her a lot... and i truely am finally over my romantic feelings for her, which is good, because it makes it a lot easier to be good friends with her.

i am just fucking rambling, trying to keep my mind off the feeling... whatever, i'll fall asleep soon, when you sleep, nobodies homeless, when you sleep, you cant feel the hunger..... when you sleep, shes standing there with open arms, and if you asked her, shed never let go, and one night, can last forever.... when you sleep. and then i will wake up in the morning, and i won't truely wake up until i'm at work for the meeting... which will keep my mind off of it, then i will go shopping and hang out with stacey, which will make me not feel so alone... so tomorrow is looking up...
i still don't know what gets me out of bed every day... i still don't know why i bother.. and that is poem material right there. goodnight.
love,
brandon

Current mood: lonely

Current music: Gatsby's American Dream // Where Shadows Lie

(4  brain washed youths with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Friday, January 9,2004 ; 4:58 PM

If i only knew
what was going on
if i only was somewhere
that wasnt here alone
if only i had remained ignorant
things might be easier

if i had not this compassion
if i had not this hope
if i could say fuck it
if i could leave these feelings behind
things might be easier

however i am unable
unable to let apathy prevail
unable to forget my kind
unable to not care..
so things will never get easier

Current mood: contemplative

Current music: none

(Give Them A Gun)

Thursday, January 8, 2004

Thursday, January 8,2004 ; 7:04 PM

Boy Sets Fire // My Life In The Knife Trade

how many times have i noticed
that our eyes never meet
from your judgement seat i can feel
the anger for my very being
fill me in on when you became
such a big part of my life
that i should bother with all your lies
designed to bring me down
wrong again don't depend
on any reaction again
i remember the icy walls that shot
up from nowhere
and i can see every lie
that you ever told yourself
you bleed me dry and i dont ask why
but im left with the dust
judas kiss i dismiss thank you all
for this i am untouched
wait again im not through with the screaming
i contend that youve got nothing better to do
trade my life for a barrel of gold
find someone else before i get too old
if i live my life for aesthetic gain
will you repay me with all your shame
i can see every light inside
your brain go on everytime i walk by
for nods and whispers
your comfort in my suffering is no longer disturbing
im lost beyond your petty stopwatch in lifes real time
dont get up i was leaving the room
and when the door of your judgements swings back around again
maybe ill stop to watch and ill go on my way
ive seen quite enough of too many childish games
im ashamed of every moment that i ever gave you the time of day
all the worst of enemies are somehow always friends that used to be

Current mood: angry

Current music: Boy Sets Fire // My Life In The Knife Trade

(1  brain washed youth with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Thursday, January 8,2004 ; 6:01 PM

yes... well. we get to play a house show a week from this saturday... im stoked. i have to work before hand though :(...

anyways, not much to say...

well a lot to say,
but i dont feel like talking shit.

i hate the fact that it was all a lie, if she would have just told me the truth things would have ended up the same but without the extreme anger i have right now.

word.

take it easy,
brandon

Current mood: pissed off

Current music: Modest Mouse // I Came As A Rat

(Give Them A Gun)

Wednesday, January 7, 2004

Wednesday, January 7,2004 ; 6:27 PM

ill take care of you she said
it was a straight faced lie that i believed
it was a straight faced lie that youd never leave


dont lift a finger
let me show you
the only way
to let this go
dont lift a finger

i'll be right there

Current mood: lonely

Current music: Copeland // Take Care

(2  brain washed youths with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Wednesday, January 7,2004 ; 11:54 AM

i just threw this together quickly... anyways, im going to do something somewhat productive... i'm going to start writing... for... whatever it is you want to call it..
my idea.

"Maybe We Have Hope"

sometimes i feel so alone
in this search for a new way
and sometimes it drags me down
when nothing in the worlds okay
but sometimes i can look around
and see others who feel the same
and i see them all stand together
and fight for a change

and i think maybe we have hope
maybe we can succeed
maybe we can destroy this
or at least plant the seed

and i see them looking for something
but they aren't sure what it might be
they can't stand the evil around,
i know because it's me
and i think we can stop them
we'll put an end to the killing
i think we can make a stand,
and achieve something more filling

and i think maybe we have hope
maybe we can succeed
maybe we can destroy this
or at least plant the seed

i can see my generation
one so quick to fight
they don't know why
but they don't feel right
it's misplaced anger
during their search for unity
and i hope they'll find it,
ending the animosity

and i think maybe we have hope
maybe we can succeed
maybe we can destroy this
or at least plant the seed

Maybe we can change it
Maybe we will fail
but either fucking way
we can try the trail
theres nothing to lose
but so much to gain,
isn't it worth a try,
isn't it worth the pain??

Current mood: determined

Current music: The Velvet Underground // Rock n Roll

(1  brain washed youth with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Tuesday, January 6, 2004

Tuesday, January 6,2004 ; 9:37 PM

i dont hardly know her
but i think i could love her
crimson and clover


goodbye.

you bring me a lot of joy at times, but it's not worth it, there will be no later.
you were to sad to look back to wave goodbye so im not going to tell you what you missed.

whatever, im 16. yea life sucks, but it will get better, i'll find someone who's right for the moment when the moment comes. until then i'll be around, doing my thing.

wish you all the best of luck... i may not update for a while... then again i may... who knows.

sometimes it's nice to get the real story, and actually know whats going on

my pale blue eyes.

Current mood: pissed off

Current music: The Velvet Underground // Stephanie says

(Give Them A Gun)

Tuesday, January 6,2004 ; 1:07 AM

god fucking damnit

can i not feel good for 5 minutes without someone pulling the blinds up

yes, i'm sorry, i create drama...

its not drama... you have no idea what you're talking about
you have no idea about my past,
you have no idea about my real family life,
so please don't say i have no right
you don't want to hear it, then don't read this... you aren't being forced. i don't mean to sound like a dick... yes i am a little angry mainly because i know when you hung up the phone and acted like everything was cool you probably started talking shit again..
but maybe thats an unfair assumption.
but really, some things are more fucked up than you will ever know.
and i feel like for the first time when i'm TRUELY happy, you have to be mad at me, or whatever you are. and it ruins that happiness because you ARE my friends, and i care if your upset with me...
maybe this is all self centered... maybe i have no right to be saying these things...

who knows. but i'm sorry if i did anything wrong (i don't believe that i did)
and i know things will work out how they will work out, so i'm not going to make an effort to not piss you off... if you're going to be pissed off then be pissed off. whatever pleases you.

good fucking night.

love,
brandon

Current mood: angry

Current music: Dark Tranquility // Black Noise White Silence

(4  brain washed youths with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Monday, January 5, 2004

Monday, January 5,2004 ; 11:03 PM

it's something i wasnt expecting, but something so wonderful,

im full of joy

goodnight

love
brando

Current mood: loved

Current music: Boy Sets Fire // Rise

(2  brain washed youths with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Sunday, January 4, 2004

Sunday, January 4,2004 ; 9:00 PM

my hands are at your throat
and i think i hate you
still we say remember when
just like we always do

family is a load of shit
i dont love you
you dont love me
you can keep on pretending...
but your nothing more than a required relationship to me.
sorry i didnt turn out just like you... sorry you expected me to in the first place.

Current mood: angry

Current music: Last Days Of April // Nothings Found

(1  brain washed youth with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Sunday, January 4,2004 ; 7:48 PM

i think something big is about to happen...

Current mood: angry

Current music: Story Of The Year // Page Avenue

(Give Them A Gun)

Sunday, January 4,2004 ; 1:47 AM - i didn't mean to love you

well, i can't say i understand the things that are being thought by her... or that i can come close to establishing whether they are good or bad....

but i trust that it will work out, because i have that feeling that it will. and i usually don't trust feelings that much, but this time it's a little different for whatever reason.

and so i wait... more is revealed each day. more will be revealed tomorrow im sure... maybe it will dismiss some of my insecurities, maybe it will feed them... who knows.

i'm not worried. i'm not sad. i'm just waiting.

love,
brando

Current mood: confused

Current music: The Early November // Come Back

(Give Them A Gun)

Saturday, January 3, 2004

Saturday, January 3,2004 ; 1:55 AM

once again, i was sitting around, just waiting for that call, it sure didnt come.... but i was a little surprised.
oh well, talk to you ttomarow.... today... its late/early.

behold the capitalists
bathing in the blood
of the working class

goodnight, sleep well.
love,
brando

Current mood: lonely

Current music: Boy Sets Fire // The Force Majeure

(1  brain washed youth with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Friday, January 2, 2004

Friday, January 2,2004 ; 8:54 PM

sweet, pretty good day, got a new phone.... so expensive... went to commies practice... was good. came home, went to work, cool. here i sit, a house full of guests. im feeling pretty good, i wish i could go to the hope show sunday.... :-/.

fucked tortured and discarded and if he ever cares maybe he will feel ashamed for everything he's stolen for all the trust she gave possessed and broken she cries but it's not our problem
pull down your goddamn blinds he will never think he's wrong and she will never feel quite right.

Current mood: good

Current music: Boy Sets Fire // Unspoken Request

(Give Them A Gun)

Thursday, January 1, 2004

Thursday, January 1,2004 ; 11:10 PM

good evening.
nothing too special went on today, auditioned a duder for geetar for the metal band... rockin. not sure if hes what we want. Came home, she came over, had a good time... watched Wes Craven's New Nightmare.... again. I've watched that quite a bit recently.. Took her home, and here i sit.

but if you feel discouraged,
and theres a lack of color here
please dont worry lover,
its really bursting at the seams

and life goes on, as usual... for the first time ever this past week i had times where i thought time wouldn't go on.. the sun wouldn't come up one day, no one would wake up... it would just be over.

but i'm glad that didn't happen.
i'm pretty hungry... but not tired. you will here from me again, mr. zaphyl.

take it easy kiddos...
love,
brandon

Current mood: loved

Current music: Poison The Well // Unity Of The Masses

(2  brain washed youths with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Thursday, January 1,2004 ; 5:26 PM

its so full of confusion,
but it doesn't need to be,
wont it ever be quiet
wont it ever be simple.

if you quiet yourself down... and just sit there... and you listen for something.. you won't necessarily hear it... but you can feel it. you can feel what you're looking for.

i know what i'm looking for.

so goodbye, my friends.. have a good eve.

love,
brandon

Current mood: good

Current music: Hatebreed // A Day In The Strife

(Give Them A Gun)

Thursday, January 1,2004 ; 3:07 AM

and things have changed again... i cant keep up with it :).

love,
brando

Current mood: good

Current music: none

(Give Them A Gun)

Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Wednesday, December 31,2003 ; 12:13 PM

i feel better... i think that will probably not last too long... but right now i feel pretty good... word.

i belong somewhere else, with anyone else.... not here with her.


love,
brandon

Current mood: okay

Current music: Matchbook Romance // Hollywood And Vine

(2  brain washed youths with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

Tuesday, December 30,2003 ; 11:39 PM

it's never too late to call....

Current mood: anxious

Current music: The International Noise Conspiracy // Will It Ever Be Quiet

(2  brain washed youths with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Tuesday, December 30,2003 ; 8:37 PM

yes...i think what just happened would be classified as an emotional breakdown... i dont know why i feel like this... i cant do it. i need to get away... for a day. a month. a year. the rest of my life... i want to start over... please. im hurting soooooo bad inside... i swear today its been coming all day... the tears kept building up... but it just came out... and its still coming out and i cant fucking handle it i cant handle anyhting i cant handle my family i cant handle my friends i cant handle the fact that im not in love anymore... i cant handle life.... i just cant... i dont know how i will get up from this chair, and i know when i do i will walk up to my bed... and i will lay there for a few hours... crying, trying to figure shit out, and it wont work, and ill end up being mentally exhausted, and i will pass out... and i wont get out of bed tomorrow... ill wake up at around noon, as usual... and i will lay there until i have to get up to goto work, as usual... and i will come home, and i will sit here for a few hours on this stupid piece of shit machine... and i will then walk up to my room, realize im at home, alone on new years... and i will fall asleep alone... and i will sleep until noon, i will wake up, lay there until i have to goto band practice and repeat over and fucking over and fucking over, and this will probably happen for the rest of my life....

i dont fucking get it

i dont care to anymore

Current mood: depressed

Current music: Matchbook Romance // Save Yourself

(1  brain washed youth with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Tuesday, December 30,2003 ; 7:59 PM

when i needed you most, you hung up the phone, what kind of friend would leave me alone, you are now where i was then... how the fuck does it feel.

its a pity cuz i tried so hard.... im losing my friends.... havent heard from adam and dusty in the past few days... guess where they are... over at jessicas. i guess jessicas all into dusty... i would assume dusty is into jessica... he doesnt care about me.
i have begun to realize my friends true intentions... and there comes a time to cut ties.
if theres one thing i've learned from life, its that it gets you in the end, so goodbye, goodbye my friend.

i'm really seeking for a reason to wake up the next few days... i'm wondering what good lies ahead.... i know theres something, eventually. but not soon. not tomarow. so why waste my time. i don't know... but i know that i will. i dont fucking get it.... i didn't do anything to deserve feeling like this... fuck god. fuck reason... we don't have a reason here..... we waste our meaningless lives and then we're gone... there is no heaven... there is no hell.... except for the hell we have right here. or for some i guess the heaven we have right here... but not many people have that. so what.... why should we waste our time...

theres battle scars on my face and my arms, will you still kiss me everyday?

chances last a finite time, in a warm july night time, every care that keeps you from your feet, is a care that carries your defeat...

Current mood: lonely

Current music: osker // asshole

(Give Them A Gun)

Tuesday, December 30,2003 ; 4:56 PM

cuz my whole life
theres been something missing

only you
can make me whole
just one touch
and you complete me

this whole thing wont work... shit sucks right now... yet i have the feeling that this is just the calm before the storm... i know shit will suck even more soon.... oh god.

Current mood: restless

Current music: Silence...

(Give Them A Gun)

Tuesday, December 30,2003 ; 3:24 PM

well, i found an old album that totally fits every feeling i have been going through. and yes you can laugh because it is Stabbing Westward. but i think they are awesome. for instance this song

"Sometimes It Hurts"

6 o clock in the morning
my head is ready to explode
i cant believe i made it home alive
i dont remember where i went or
what i was drinking
i know it made me sick
and im not denying that i get this way
when i try to get over you

sometimes it hurts so much
to lose the one you love
sometimes it hurts so much
to lose the one you love

i tried so hard to hate you
but it only makes things worse
i only end up hating myself
and as my hatred grows
so do the lies
its hard to face the truth sometimes
god i feel so useless
god i hate myself
when i try to get over you
i hate myself
how will i ever get over you

sometimes it hurts so much
to lose the one you love
and after all this time
youd think id understand the way you feel
but no i only think about myself
and its driving you away
i always knew it would one day

sometimes it hurts so much

there is the fact this is about losing someone you love, and i only lost someone i thought i might have had a chance to love... but i think thats almost worse, cuz i dont know if it would have been or not.
whatever. great song. great song.

love,
brandon

Current mood: disappointed

Current music: Stabbing Westward // Drugstore

(3  brain washed youths with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Monday, December 29, 2003

Monday, December 29,2003 ; 9:58 PM - hmm

well, i did write this one. but i spent about 5 minutes on it. and the chorus sucks. who cares.
take it easy,
brandon

as a leaf in the autumn,
so is my time,
suspended waiting to fall,
not worth a dime...
the ice hands of deception
have gripped me tight,
the blood of false hope,
invaded without a fight..

so this tragic flaw,
has hit once again,
this is the last straw,
it's all been said,
hello goodbye

and i draw steadily closer
to this cliff of great lies
i try to step back...
i try to close my eyes
but the plunge of reality
will come soon im sure,
and at the very bottom,
there waits lucifer...

so this tragic flaw,
has hit once again,
this is the last straw,
it's all been said,
hello, goodbye.

the flames of inevitability,
have encircled my existance,
there's no break in the heat,
and so it is my penance...
the ghosts of altercation
have paled my once keen sight,
why can't they just leave,
instead of haunt me every night

so the fiery gates are my destination
while still in this morbid place
i can feel the heat arising
i can see the end in your face

Current mood: artistic

Current music: The Black Dahlia Murder // Burning The Hive

(1  brain washed youth with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Monday, December 29,2003 ; 12:47 AM

No one means what they say
And you can tell as clear as deep-sea fish
All internal organs and glowing eyes
I've been good, I've been busy
I've realized my friend's true intentions
Cut all ties
I've been doing ten thousand pushups a day
Plastic cube filled with pus that sits atop my supervisor's desk
The feeling of ice on the inside of a wrist
Always tired, need a nap
I have to make myself brush my teeth
I've made a list of everything I've ever owned
When the days bring nothing new
And the sound of laughter makes you sick
And snide
You know you've got the jitters
Nothing's wrong, I'm just fine
I've realized I just don't like jokes
I'm thinking of moving I can't call anyone back
You can tell every time they lean away
When you just want to talk
You couldn't buy their interest now
Stolen cars in a heap
A naked body on the neighbor's yard
When they let you down on cue
When you give up way before you even try
You know you've got
You've got the jitters
They glows as they near
Then disappear
Like highway signs on a starless night
And it's so hard to tell who's being fled
And who's in flight



well...
i guess i've got the jitters.

Current mood: lonely

Current music: The Dismemberment Plan // The Jitters

(3  brain washed youths with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Monday, December 29,2003 ; 12:13 AM

i knew i shouldn't have picked up the phone.
i should have just let it ring.
but i thought it would be wonderful to hear her voice. and it was. too wonderful.
gave me that feeling again.
why.
so you can sit there with that stupid smile on your face trying to convince me that you care.
i hope i see you on your way down, i hope you break, every bone. i hope it kills you on your way down, and i hope you die alone.
i can hear them singing that song to me. i can hear it in my head. what the fuck.
"i don't know if i can have you live here without following the rules..."
what do you propose. yes. take everything away. treat me like im 2. that will definitly solve our fucking problems. you want a problem, well i guess we got one now.
they don't understand how i think... no one does. no one fucking gets it. i always knew i was off. but lately i've noticed just how off i am. and i'm okay with being off. but sometimes... its so fucking frustrating trying to explain the shit thats going on in my head... because it's sooooooo fucking whack no one can even begin to grasp what it is i'm trying to articulate. i was trying to tell them that... that i think differently. differently than is normal... way differently. i told them you might see here, and mom might see here, but i see way the fuck over there... and i dont know why i see over there, and i can't stop and see from over here.... but it doesn't bug me... it just gets me so frustrated. i just wish sometimes there was 1 fucking person in the world that could understand me. one fucking person.
not too much to ask.
and i am sure that jesus is a lie. because im here right now. and i'm like this right now. or maybe he isn't a lie. if he isn't a lie... he's the cruelest motherfucker... and i would never worship a desensitized self centered power thirsty piece of shit like him if he were real. but i am leaning more towards the non existant view, because its less angry ;*)

im babbling... take it easy...
love(please)
brandon

Current mood: contemplative

Current music: Boy Sets Fire // Rise

(Give Them A Gun)

Sunday, December 28, 2003

Sunday, December 28,2003 ; 1:07 PM

oh shit.... world war 3 will be going down tonight.
and i'm not scared.

i think i'd rather just see a stump.

i'm still really lonely.
really lonely.

it'll be back soon.
what.... what should i do?
why dont you come home i cannot remember why you left, and i'd rather be happy than right this time.

Current mood: lonely

Current music: dismemberment plan // come home (yes, i listen to this song too much)

(Give Them A Gun)

Saturday, December 27, 2003

Saturday, December 27,2003 ; 2:10 PM

expect a million posts from me today, my mind is flying.

i have realized that even if a feeling is the best one you can remember, it isn't necessarily right. And right now there is a great chance that feeling is highly wrong.
funeral for a feeling.
death of a feeling, death of a friend, i wonder if we'll ever meet again.

so now comes the time to say goodbye. but you know i won't. because i don't have the inner strength to turn away something so beautiful to me even if it is wrong, and it is bad for everyone...

you couldn't understand how much this hurts, how disheartening the things i heard last night were.... what i am going through... you could never know. and i don't know why you didn't tell me the truth. instead you put me through this.
i don't think you care about me.
at all.

but i will always care about you. i will be working on my strength to say no, for if the time ever comes when you want to put me through this again.

im so lonely right now... more lonely then i ever remember being... and my normal antics aren't working. i cannot get my mind off of it. i can't sleep, i can't play games, i can't run away... i can't ignore this... and it is killing me. i wish you would pick up your goddam phone so i can conjure up the strength to tell you all of this. and by all of this i mean goodbye. i can't do this. goodbye. maybe i'll see you around.

you know i won't be able to get those 2 simple sentences out of my mouth.... oh well.
i will figure it out
i always do right.
everything works out.
even if every night i think of you
and every night i miss you

i'll get over it
my heart was captured when i first looked at you
i never seen a girl, as beautiful as you,
all the nights that we just talked
time had ceased to exist....
so everynight i cry
everynight i think

goodbye. goodbye. goodbye. goodbye. goodbye. goodbye. i can't say it. i can't even say it to myself right now. these feelings are too hard to bury underneath... and you would be lying if you didn't feel the same, if the sun would never shine i'd feel just as blue, maybe i just need some time to wash away these thoughts. goodbye. goodbye. goodbye. goodbye. can't say it.
i wish you would say it for me.
i wish you cared enough to say it. you know you're thinking it.

where did my life go... i used to be happy. i used to be normal. one thing hasn't changed from the past, the fact that im in love... but in the past i was loved back.
i... oh god. i can't do this. i CANT.

Current mood: scared

Current music: Casket Lottery // A Dead Dear

(1  brain washed youth with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Saturday, December 27,2003 ; 12:51 PM

welllll, i think it was all just a big mistake.... silly me. silly silly me.
stupid me.
i hate the fact that i put myself in these positions.
hate it.
hate myself for it.

Current mood: crushed

Current music: silence

(2  brain washed youths with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Friday, December 26, 2003

Friday, December 26,2003 ; 12:51 AM

wow....
people said his brain was infected by devils....

wow.

good night.. that it was.

uhhhh
lack of words
lack of thoughts in my brain
mainly happiness, but also a bit of dissapointment that i ended up back here at my house... theres a few other places i would rather be.

word, take it easy.

Love,
Brando

Current mood: loved

Current music: Hatebreed // A Day In The Strife

(Give Them A Gun)

Thursday, December 25, 2003

Thursday, December 25,2003 ; 10:03 PM

man... im all clingy mcgee today. whats up with that shit.
slice paper wrist

i miss her, but hey... sticks and stones never made sense.

this i ask:
how did this all happen so fast, and why does it not scare me anymore?
in this situation i would normally be looking at long term shit and getting scared and in turn fucking things in the present up.... but im content to let it be.
everything will work out.
but its 10:10
and she hasnt called...and i miss her.
already.
why.
who knows.
white noise, black silence.

but if you feel discouraged
and theres a lack of color here
please dont worry lover,
its really bursting at the seems
absorbing everything
the spectrums A to Z
this is fact not fiction
for the first time in years
all the girls in every girly magazine cant make me feel
any less alone
im reaching for the phone
to call at 7:03
and on your machine i slur a plea for you to come home...
but i know that its too late

Current mood: lonely

Current music: Death Cab For Cutie // A Lack Of Color

(Give Them A Gun)

Thursday, December 25,2003 ; 12:04 PM

its not natural, these children with beaks.
baby, id come over but your coffee tastes like the clap.

i've been having a good time the past few days.
didn't have to go to denver today, still had to go last night though. hope i get to hang out with someone tonight,
word.
im never coming, no im never coming back.... im home.

damn i wanna get tanked tonight.
only what... 5 more days though.
shit i have to work tomarow night.
damnit.

i'm falling in loove agaaaaaain....
i'm happy about it.
but i hope i dont fuck a bunch of shit up.
word.

this is where i belong you cant take me, im never coming back. im home.


and i will leave you with thought provoking lyrics from the black dahlia murder

dear diary, tonight will be our last
my hands are itching for razors
my angel, this knife shall carve thee wings
consumed by sickness, i ache to see your blood
the hour approaches when i shall lay a nest inside of you

sliced open i lay waste to my desires
sweet entrails are scooped onto the tile

and in my dreams i hold your head beneath the waves
after you've died, i kiss the nape of your porcelain neck
you enter me in death's perpetual embrace
skin tightens in the throes of lust

Current mood: good

Current music: the black dahlia murder // closed casket requiem

(1  brain washed youth with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Wednesday, December 24,2003 ; 9:34 AM

uh... im in a bettter mood. i dont want to go to denver.... today OR tomarow.... damnit.
i want to be here.
for once.

word, take it easy

Current mood: okay

Current music: The Dismemberment Plan // Automatic

(Give Them A Gun)

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Tuesday, December 23,2003 ; 6:40 PM

i dont even know... i wish someone could tell me.

cold uncontrollably sad and unable to let it go.

cold uncontrollably sad and unable to let it go.

I can't put myself in a position where i know i will probably end up being hurt.
oops, too late.
so now i'm waiting.
the figurative sense of a person with a noose around their neck waiting for someone to kick the chair out.
but that wouldn't be so bad, because you know once it happens everything will be done, and fine.
when this happens, everything will just get worse.

it's the ice that happens to be running thick through my jaded veins, it's the slow rip that must be traveling down the center of my heart... it's the tornado of thoughts ripping through my mind.... it's something i just cant handle right now.

i dont even fucking know her that well... but it's that feeling.
that one that tells you, even before you become close, that it will work.
but this time i don't think it will work...
i think i made a mistake....
how does it feel baby, your first coffin?

i don't know why i fucking do this to myself and everyone else... i'm not just fucking with me here, i'm fucking with 2 other individuals, and on top of that 2 other individuals relationship.

theres a bright light right around the bend, i can see it bathe me in a flourescent glow so monstrous and final.

someone please acknowledge me, whatever it takes for you to love me.... fill me full of shame... just let me be a part...
please.... just love me

Current mood: sad

Current music: Boy Sets Fire // Fashion As A Weapon

(5  brain washed youths with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Monday, December 22, 2003

Monday, December 22,2003 ; 8:56 PM

Called in sick to work today, I couldn't have gotten a damn thing done anyhow.

Made myself some coffee and I listened to the rain rattling leaves, yeah.

I told myself there's nothing wrong and stared right through the paper for a
long, long time

Stuck inside your dream so long it wears you down and grows you cold....and
that's a fact

Cold light comes to clear the fog away from time to time....it'll be back soon

I used to think that justice had to rule for happy lives, but now I'm not so
sure at all

Come home
Why don't you come home I could not remember why you left
And I'd rather been happy than right this time

Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba

Called my dad to check in and to maybe find some common sense...more or less

He says common sense is such a scam, and I'm like 'Dad, what do you mean?, oh'

He says you're either wrong or right and life will go on either way, whatever
you chose....but I know...

That anger's all right..and bitterness no.

Cold uncontrollably sad, and unable to let it go.

And it should be as easy as telling a scab from a scar
Well I don't know

Called in sick to work today I couldn't have gotten a damn thing done

Current mood: sad

Current music: Boy Sets Fire // The Force Majeure

(1  brain washed youth with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Monday, December 22,2003 ; 2:27 PM

emotional thoughts and rational thoughts.

both can be either destructive or constructive..
so when they clash which one to chooose.

i could tell you its not true, but whats the use, its automatic.... caught in between.
wheres the star that once burnt crazy red, an ashing globe that spins with dead momentum lost in absolute space, even as this wave length pulse is dread... linger like the cold burn of electric shock so slowly fading, once again the fireworks of bad ideas, you will and i will, light the sky with long gone hate that comes from there, its automatic. caught in between.

Current mood: crushed

Current music: The Dismemberment Plan // Automatic

(1  brain washed youth with a right to kill | Give Them A Gun)

Monday, December 22,2003 ; 12:45 AM

such a good night.... damn. i know im probably setting myself up for another fall. so i dont want to let go of reason.
i dont even know whats going on..
word.
i'm happy.
be shocked now.

love,
brandon

Current mood: happy

Current music: Boy Sets Fire // Fashion As A Weapon

(Give Them A Gun)

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