Kayla Tingley's Journal
20 posts back

Date:2005-05-30 21:07
Subject:Wreck of the day
Mood: lonely
Music:Anna Nalick

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cuz love doesnt hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces
And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
All my resistance will never be distance enough

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

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Date:2005-05-30 19:32
Subject:A Cup Of Coffee
Mood: tired

You told me you don't love me
Over a cup of coffee
And I just have to look away
A million miles between us
Planets crash into dust
I just let it fade away

I'm walking empty streets
Hoping we might meet
I see your car parked on the road
The light on at your window
I know for sure that you're home
But I just have to pass on by

So no, of course we can't be friends
Not while I'm still this obsessed
I guess I always knew the score
This is how our story ends

I smoke your brand of cigarettes
And pray that you might give me a call
I lie around on bed all day just staring at the walls
Hanging round the bars at night, wishing I had never been born
Give myself to anyone who wants to take me home

So no, of course we can't be friends
Not while I still feel like this
I guess I always knew the score
This is where our story ends

You left behind some clothes
My belly summersaults
When I pick them off the floor
My friends all say they're worried
I'm looking far too skinny
I've stoped returning all their calls

And no of course we can't be friends
Not while I'm still this obsessed
I want to ask where I went wrong
But don't say anything at all

It took a cup of coffee
To prove that you don't love me

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Date:2005-05-26 16:55
Subject:Breathing on my own.
Mood: working
Music:howie- sweet

My heart shattered into a thousand shards the night you left me broken on my basement floor. I pretend that I'm better now, but the truth is I don't know myself anymore. I've been hiding behind fake smiles and false promises far too long to go back now. If I pretend that I'm okay, everyone will gladly look the other way, no one wants to see that something's wrong when we promise we're okay. So tonight I'll make a hundred more promises I don't intend to keep. Tomorrow I'll be better and tonight I'll get some sleep. Yesterday was worthless, today is still a blur, the next three days will be worth while and Saturday night I'll live life like it's going out of style. I'll let myself breathe again when I forget about you. I've been waiting to exhale for so long I'm not sure I can remember how. I'll try, it's just another lie to get myself by, but I'll try. My heart is so many shades of black and blue, but I think the bruises fade each day. Maybe I'm just lying to myself again, but I think I just might be okay. You kept me so high the whole time that now I've reached my all-time low. My recovery process is going slow, but I'm getting there. By this time nexy year I'll be breathing on my own.

If you know me, then this one should be pretty self-explanitory.

- Kay*

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Date:2005-05-26 16:49
Mood: okay
Music:Mb20- push

So i left school at lunch and went to counselling today. It was pretty terrible actually, I cired a lot, I let everything out for once in my life (other than in my writing). I guess I felt pretty relieved after it was all over, but it was still horrifying. I have to call the doctor and make an appt. to get a prescription. My counsellor, Mary, told me that I'm very talented and that I'm definitely going somewhere. I showed her some of my writing that I just happened to have in my pocket, she liked it a lot. She told me that she's suffered from depression since she was a child and told me some of her experiences with guys and family and I feel I can really relate to her. I have complete faith in my recovery.

I wrote a pretty neat poem that I am going to post now. :) ttyl
- Kay

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Date:2005-05-24 22:30
Mood: uncomfortable
Music:gloomy sunday

i think i just did something really stupid...maybe? who cares? not me, not you.

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Date:2005-05-24 21:42
Subject:She's all
Music:King for a day

She's all you wished you never were. She's all, everyone's hidden fear. She's all about moral and staying strong, and holding on to what she worked so hard to believe. She's all, afraid of crying at night. She's all, sick of fluorescent lights. She's all about sadness but a beautiful face, and she seems to not hate anyone and she's everyone's saving grace when they need her. She's all about pouring out her heart and her life and giving herself up for anyone, when they need her. She's all you ever took for granted. She's all, kind to you cause she can't remember. She's all alone in this life, but she could be the knife who cuts the rope around your neck, cause she's all, she's all...everything funny and cool. She'll make you laugh until you drool. She's the greatest person you'd care to make fun of, but you don't recognize, she could save you from your own demise. And she's all, she's all, she's all kind because she can't keep track of all the people who have said things behind her back. Oh yeah, cause she's all you wished you never were. But you see, she's all, better than you. Cause she's all, keeping it through it all.

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Date:2005-05-24 20:45
Mood: creative
Music:November rain

I believe in angels and miracles of things felt that can't be seen.
I believe the day we die is when we give up on our dreams.
I believe the sky has diamonds that sparkle in the night.
I believe you shouldn't sleep without making up after a fight.
I believe in one true love, but also in falling in love again.
I believe the past is repeated if we don't remember when.
I believe in fairy tales, in soul mates and true bliss.
I believe two souls can bond by sharing a passionate kiss.
I believe the world is good as long as you don't deceive.
That hope is eternal, and life worth living as long as you always believe.

I just really believe all you need to get through this life is faith. Everything's going to be fine if you don't lie, if you really have faith in yourself and others around you. These are all just random thoughts, I made them rhyme and put them together in a poem. :)

-kay xox

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Date:2005-05-19 20:54
Subject:Love should be stored in Hitler's colon where it can do no harm.
Mood: amused
Music:Blondie - Rapture

Dark skies through white lace curtains
Dark eyes through a layer of torment
Seems like nothing in this world will ever be right
And I ask the stars if the loneliness will ever end
And the moon just laughs.
The wind asks if it’s warm enough
I say no
And it wraps tighter around me
The earth takes pity and gives me a place to lay
And I continue to wish to the stars
Hoping that heaven is close enough to hear.
If it’s still there
Seems everything has changed
Maybe heaven went out of business
I’d never see it anyway
We’re all sinners
Howl and wait
For the echo of lonely to subside
And the phoenix to rise
Bring on the dark where I can see your eyes better
Since they’re finally open
And shining in the blackness
Someone kiss me
To take away the pain
And I’ll take yours
Hopefully finding a darker day

I love the title. I don't write in this thing that often anymore. Nothing interesting is happening in my life, so I don't feel the need. Jeremy and I are great, I only wish that we didn't argue. But he is so amazing that it's worth it I guess. I try not to fight with him, but if he's not happy with my actions or my decisions, I want him to tell me. He has the right to be honest and truthful, and I respect him for voicing his opinions. There's nothing that bothers me about him. His anger doesn't even bother me, because I understand why he gets angry. I hope he realizes soon that there's nothing wrong with him, that he's perfect. He has a beautiful soul and I hope his beauty rubs off on me! haha. I've gotta go though, see ya babes that read this haha

- Kay (sugar pants)

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Date:2005-05-16 20:45
Mood: dirty

I listened to you talk for hours
About love and life and death
As I died at the sound of your voice
I lived inside every breath
And as you pulled me into your arms
You pulled me into your heart
And we kissed like we'd never stop
Like each kiss was only the start
As the night grew older
My love grew endlessly
I don't even remember falling asleep
Only having you next to me
And maybe you'll never know
The way i truly loved you
But you were the best part of me
And i know this much is true
For every moment that we kissed
I realized that i could be
Anywhere in this world
As long as you were loving me
And each second we were together
Every touch felt brand new
And know that I would have done anything
To be everything to you
So I'd melt into your arms
And fade into that night
And remember how it felt
When everything felt right
And when i miss your kiss
This will help me make it through
Cause if i know anything at all
I know that i loved you
But I’m finally glad it’s over.

I just found that on my computer, I wrote it for Pat when we broke up a while ago. haha I thought it was cute. :):) Anyway I'm on the phone with Jeremy, later

Kay xoooooxxxxx

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Date:2005-05-16 20:25
Subject:Oh baby fly away to Malibu.
Mood: okay
Music:Hole - Malibu

I love the song I wrote for Jeremy. It's so pretty and I love to sing it and to play it. I really want to show him, like play it for him, but i'm SO scared! I'm shy and embarrassed and I think I'll screw up or it won't sound good when i do it for him. Oh well...somday....

<3 K

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Date:2005-05-14 21:37
Subject:No one had ever looked at me like you before you did.
Mood: tired
Music:Howie - Falling in Love

I just got home from my first day at work. It was pretty tiring. Really busy, constantly scooping ice cream and my wrist and hand really hurt, and I had to bag fiddleheads. Haha....kinda shitty but hey I get paid for it. I also had to carry around big tubs of ice cream and change them in the ice cream freezer and stuff.

I hung out with Jeremy today and I was happy.

Anyway I'm going to go...my hands hurt too much to type! Haha later dudes

Live loce -
Kay xoxoxo

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Date:2005-05-09 21:32
Subject:I swear that I can go on forever again
Mood: ecstatic
Music:Blink 182 - I'm lost without you

I'm so happy, I'm just so happy! I'm shaking real bad. I can now call Jeremy my boyfriend, and I swear I have never been happier in all my life. :D:D:D:D:D! I have to go cause I'm too happy to just sit here.

Live life -

Love Kay xoxoxox

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Date:2005-05-09 17:36
Mood: accomplished
Music:Howie - #41

A tear drop slides down my cheek, followed by hundreds more creating pools of ambition. Fragments of memories from over the past year swim in those tears. Lost hopes and dreams join hands with those memories. My face is soaked with fear, hatred, love and pain. My bloodshot eyes prove I am human. When they dry up my eyes become deserts of quicksand. I'm being sucked into a place I know nothing about. I enwrap myself with any ounce of safety I can find, using it like a blanket. But it covers only half of my exposed soul. I fall backward waiting for someone to catch me. There's no one there. So I use my strength to stand back up. Then I look behind me, and I see my future. I see the truth, and the truth is, I don't need someone to catch me if I can catch myself. I am the only reliable person I have. Then I move a cushion behind me so I won't fall so hard anymore.

Wrote that in January. I was reading through an old book of shit that I wrote and liked that, so i posted it. Hope you like it!


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Date:2005-05-08 19:18
Mood: sad
Music:Blondie - Call me

Sometimes i feel like a broken fairytale, sipping my coffee in the pouring rain. I sometimes forget to breathe when i think of everything so wrong. I sit alone, twirling my thin spilt end hair. I'm a mess and i can't get it together, I can't seem to stay content with what i have, i can't seem to accept that this is my life. I need my sickness as an excuse. My pretty little words don't seem to convey the thoughts in my head. So i sing along to someone elses song, losing myself in the music. I always overanalize everything so i end up thinking unclear. I wake up late at night wishing i lived a life that made me cinderella. In my beautiful silk and lace comes so much deceit. And when i cry these soft tears it breaks me apart inside. And really i have no reason to be thinking like this or taking up this space because everything i feel means nothing, everything i taste is plain. Sometimes i feel like a twisted girl, a blonde plastic barbie, used for pleasure or thrill. And i sip on my juice box. Whiskey on my breath. Night after night i lay in bed, repenting my sins and thinking of every little mistake i've ever made. In my beautiful silk and lace i'm kissing my disgrace.

Beautiful! Written by Natasha Allen, I love it. I actually just read it on her diary and had to post it on mine.

I really like Jeremy a lot. We had a big talk and, I'm convinced he doesn't want to be with me. It's sort of like he wants me to let go..I don't know how to explain it, but I think he just wants me to give up. He said he's not worth the wait. Maybe I'm just stupid though. I think I like him more now, because I know more and I understand more. He told me that he's still in love with Kathryn and always will be, and I don't know how to handle that. I don't know what i should think. I mean, I know it's absolutly normal for him to have feelings for her, considering they dated for two years, she's his first love, and it's only been four or five months since they broke up. But, I feel that I can make him happy. I mean if she doesn't want him anymore, and I do...I don't see what the problem is? Oh well. I hope I can wait. And he said that he's going to drag me down. I know this sounds really stupid, but I wouldn't mind being dragged down, as long as him and I were in the same place, on the same level. You know what I mean? I got really upset today when him and I talked. I cried a lot and my nana thought I was a retard. I wouldn't tell her why I was upset. Then my dad came to take me home and the whole ride home all I could think about was Jeremy and his ex and the picture of them on his display and how sad it made me feel. And I kept thinking about how hurt he must have felt when I kissed another guy, and how bad it made me feel that I hurt him. I just wish that life wasn't so sorrowful and depressing. I wish that one guy would love me as much as I love them. I've never had someone love me before, come to think of it, I've never had anyone like me as much as I liked them. Like whenever I like someone they never like me even half as much as I like them. It really hurts. But anyway I'm done, bye

Kay. xoxo

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Date:2005-05-08 14:51
Subject:When you speak to her, her eyes light up.
Mood: sad
Music:Jewel - Foolish Games

I'm at my nana's. She took me shopping and I got a beautiful white lacey short skirt and a white tube dress. They're both absolutly magnificient, and I can't wait to wear them. I just got back from visiting my nanny's grave, it was sad. Right now I'm downloading some music to listen to, the only music on this computer is gospel music! Oh and I found some Anna Nalick and some Jeremy Fisher! Oh and some Jewel and Cake. :( listening to these sad songs make me miss someone.... Well in case you've failed to notice, in case you've failed to see, this is my heart bleeding before you, this is me down on my knees...and these foolish games are tearing me apart. Anyway, I'll write later. Bye

Kay xxoxox

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Date:2005-05-08 10:13
Mood: awake
Music:MB20 - Hang (acoustic)

I'm your indecisive, loud, and dizzy cloud.
You speak painted words that force time to stand still,
And I can feel it all.
You taste of color and reveries.
You laid beneath the tye-dyed sky with me.

Passionate, immaculate hearts,
Willing to set aside the past.
Our minds are promiscuous
But that's okay.
Exceptionally odd,
It's you and I.

You're my indecisive, bright, and serene starlight.
I see beauty in everything within reason,
And you seem to listen to it all.
I taste of firewater and the third sin.
I stumbled into your life by chance.

I wrote that a couple nights ago about someone special...someone that I felt really happy with. Just decided to post it now cause I like it a lot.

Kay xoxoxo

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Date:2005-05-08 09:51
Mood: crappy
Music:Howie day

Lately I've been thinking
Lately I've been dreaming with you
I'm so resistant to this type of thinking
Oh, now it's shining through
I was alone for the last time
Before my night's vacation with you
Alive from the first
Now I'm denied by the ghost of you

You take yourself a photograph and laugh at me

I know there's little use in crying
It's more wide awake and dying then I'm used to
I thought we'd walk these streets together
Now I'm hoping that I'll never have to meet you
Step aside from all this anger
And somewhere in between I can feel you
Ask me should we try again
I'm thinking no
Y'know, it's not what I believe in
It's not what I believe in

You take yourself a photograph and laugh at me
You make yourself a photograph and laugh at me

No I, wanna taste you, love
No I...no I
No I, just wanna taste you, love

Standing in your shoes
I turn and now
You're standing bare in my doorway
I only wish that I had been prepared
I'm gonna have to go along with your way
Just take the plastic camera out
It's the pants you borrowed in the driveway
Alive from the first
Now I'm denied by the ghost of you

Make yourself a photograph and laugh at me
You make yourself a photograph and laugh at me

No I, wanna taste of love
No I...

I was alive from the first
Now I'm denied by the ghost of you

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Date:2005-05-07 16:05
Subject:Just a thought.....
Mood: blah
Music:Falling In love - Howie

Make free with me
Because you know you want to
Just you wait and see
I'm falling in love with you

Again and again and again and again.......

Kay t xoxoox

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Date:2005-05-07 09:51
Subject:Lying here on my own.
Mood: content

I'm so bored and tired, I just want to run to Rothesay and pounce on Jeremy and wake him up! Hehe, I had such an amazing sleep last night. But my dad woke me up early...like 7..and I cried haha. Last night I had a very happy night with Jeremy. We watched a very good and sexy movie, Wild things 3, and yeah it just made me really happy that he was here. :):):) I was pissed that my mom made him leave though and I'm suer jealous that he got to go to that big party out in Bloomfield...but there's nothing I can do about it. I heard Myles went and drove Kelsie home and they drove into a ditch haha.

Anyway I'm going to go eat, Courtney's mom's here and I guess she didn't go home last night from the party and hasn't called and someone was supposed to stay the night at her house and was asd and confused cause she didn't go home haha....but yeah bye!

Live -
Kay xoxoxo

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Date:2005-05-05 18:32
Mood: ditzy

Jeremy, je t'aime <3

I have so much fun with Jeremy it's beautiful

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