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Oh God [05 Sep 2004|11:12pm] Today was maybe the worst day of my life, or close to it. I woke up late, made myself breakfast; 2 buttered toasts, bacon sandwich with extra mayo, bowl of strawberries with sugar, the rest of the custard and coffee. Then I went online as my mum cleaned the bathrooms. She came to mine and noticed a little trail of puke on the underpart of the bowl. She went nuts. Then she decided it was time to take my height and weight. She does this every time she find "evidence" of my ed. She thinks it will assist in my treatment. (*rolls eyes*). I refused, as usual. I did not want them knowing my gain. She flipped. Dad came in. I still refused. He got angry. Very very angry. He picked up his slipper and made for my face. I covered my face with my hands and bent over in my chair. He pulled the chair away from under me, forcing me to stand up. He tried to pin me against the wall and take my height. I wouldn't stand straight. I bent my knees, as he tried to push me up. He got more angry. He threw me to the floor telling me he was kicking me out of the house, "Go! Get out, without shoes, go go!" I was trying to get out, but he kept throwing me to the floor and my face landed just a cm away from the huge rock I had as a doorstop. I tried to get down the stairs to get out, but he pushed me down them and I fell. It was so hurtful to be thrown around like that by my own dad. I was trying to get out, like he told me to. Why didn't he stop pushing me? I eventually got to the door and shouted "You BASTARD!" at him, I heard my mum shout back at me and I left, him happily exclaiming about my barefootedness. I walked along the gravel drive in agony, the stones digging in. I walked down the lane with my feet getting hurt every step or so. I wanted out asap. I went to the wooded place I normally go when they try to kick me out. I purged a bit, then went up to a field to purge more, but there were two walkers and a farmer's truck with two men inside was doing stuff to the field and they stared at me, crouching, barefooted, tear splattered in their field. So I left, went back to the woody place and purged the rest behind a tree. I got it all out. It was 10.36am. What was I going to do? I stood barefooted in the mud, dead leaves, crawling insects and God knows what other crap. My trousers were dusty and muddy. I squatted, not wanting to be seen by passers by and feeling too tired to stand. I decided to cover my puke in case anyone found me there. I gingely picked up a twig and placed it on my mess. I was scared there'd be insects on them, so I was very slow picking them up. Eventually, after what seemed an age, I covered a good deal of it. I added dead leaves for a natural effect. I had nothing to do. It was around 11am. I puked some acid to make sure it was all up. I couldn't walk anywhere because I had no shoes, it would have been far too painful. I also had no money. All I had was my penknife. It was too small to do anything useful with. (You know what I mean...). Fuck fuck fuck fuck. I plucked my upper lip blindly. Then my armpits. An old couple walked past, and I panicked. Nobody saw me. I gave in, my legs hurting and sat in the filth. I tried dozing off. I woke with red crawly things on my legs. I shook then off and gave up. I saw a squirrel in the trees. I walked back, limping to my house. I hid by some bushes and my family eventually went out. Nobody saw me. I looked for anything, maybe an open downstairs window to get into with, but there were none. I went to the neighbours for a spare key, but they were out too. I sat on the garden furniture, which seemed like absolute luxury compared to what I'd felt before. I wanted to die. I had nowhere to go. I didn't want to live with this family and I didn't want to go to a foster family. Why the fuck was this happening to me?? They came back, they saw me. Threatened me again, wasn't allowed in the house until I was weighed and measured. Then they screamed at me. I was in pain, dirty and wishing to die. I had my period too and because I was unable to get anything for it, was messy and smelly. They took away my Internet, my allowance and basically anything I had worth having. They're trying to break me. They won. They've trapped me into getting treatment. I hate them. I will never forgive them. I hate living here. I hate living in general. Is it me? Is it all my fault as they say? Would it be like this if I was in another family? Is it my ed? I can't figure out how to end it. Pills - messy and could go wrong, hard to get...Knife - same as pills. Noose? Where the f*** do I get one of those? It's not just today, it's every day living here. Every day in hell. post comment

Back and fat [26 Aug 2004|03:10pm] I was 119 when I got back from Hong Kong on the 11th of August. I am 119 today. I cannot lose weight at all. I got down to 117 then back to 119, down to 118 back to 120, down to 119. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. So I guess my usual methods no longer work. How is that possible?? CW: 119 GW: 80 I b/ped today - a long one. Left food inside me for too long, maybe that was the problem. Then drank green tea with skimmed milk and sweetener, Ribena toothkind, and a whole pot of tea with skimmed milk and sweetener. I then got so upset about being fat, I purged the drinks. Then I ate an Amore yogurt with lots of liquid sugar added and purged. I've peed twice so far, once this morning whilst cooking my b/p food and another after purging the drinks. I pooed mid way through b/p soft and lots of it. This indicates that I am digesting something, which would cause me to poo. The fact that it was soft tells me that I am getting enough/too many nutrients. My hair does not fall out. My hands and feet are quite cold, but not as cold as before. I'd rather be a bald ice cube, if only it meant I was thin and losing again. I was reading my old entries - I used to weigh 96. :'( How did I get so fat? My body is NOT WORKING. I am losing no weight. I cannot cope with being this fat. I want to take pills, any pills, speed if I fucking have to, in order to lose. I was close to taking the kitchen knife and actually cutting off my fat. NONE of my clothes fit properly. I can't get my ASS into my jeans, skirts or anything. The new cute xs tees I bought on holiday are far too small. Fuck, I bought the smallest sizes I could find so when I lost I could fit into them, and make them loose on me again. My boobs are huge, my arms, my stomach, my hips, my back, my hands, my feet, my face, my legs my whole body. I am bursting out of my clothes! My B cup bra FITS now. :'( My boobs are horrible great lumps of fat hanging on my chest. Yes, HANGING. They used to be small and flat. Now they SAG. I can't go back to school looking like this. They will comment. Fuck my pdoc and therapists. FUCK THEM. Had an appt on Tuesday 21, dad agreed that I was recovered and they wanted to weigh me, I couldn't let them see how fat I'd gotten. And they would say the fluctuations indicated bulimia. I refused. They are making me have another appt. I will simply say that I am not going to go, because I have nothing wrong with me, it's a waste of my time and I NEED to be in school to learn for my GCSEs. Last term I missed so much at the end and have not learnt about a huge chunk of Death of a Salesman. post comment

Realising how FAT you really are [29 May 2004|09:42am] :'( I always knew I was fat but maaan I am REALLY fat now... That's it. No calories may be digested in any way. Water, vitamins, low cal drink ok. NOTHING ELSE. PURGE PURGE PURGE LIKE HELL AND WEIGH CAREFULLY. post comment

Goodness...I'd forgotten about this Blurty! [21 Feb 2004|08:31pm] [From british broccoli's Blurty] .Name: Rachael .nicknames: Rach, Chel, Raz .bday – 19th Feb/1989 .age -- 15 .sign -- Pisces/Aquarius...dunno really .sex -- Female .religion- None particularly .height -- 5'4 .eye color -- Brown...maybe green, but that's pushing it a bit... .hair color – Brown .tattoos – None .piercings – Basic earholes & navel .scars - Wrist, was shot paintballing (so not fun..) .siblings.ages – Little brother, 9 .the person you wanna date - Haven't met them yet...(seems unlikely I ever will...) .what do you look for in a guy/girl— I dunno..I mean if I met someone I'd just..."click"..as cliche as that sounds .biggest turn on – Couldn't say .biggest turn off - No idea... .hardest thing you've ever done – Well...I've done a lot of hard essays/tests...umm...nah...'real' stuff...dunno! :P I have such a bad memory F A V O R I T E .song – I have to pick ONE? .car – Ooooh vintage Cadillacs... .flower - Lots .holiday – Christmas? Yeah it's all commercialised & whatnot but hey at least people are friendly (for a while..) .animal – Cats, horses .food – Well...let's see now, shall we? Cookies, candy (GUMMIES!!!), chips (Kettle chips), fries, home made chips, pizza, Chinese (chicken, noodles, dim sum....), Japanese (mmmmmm sushi, sashimi, noodles...), MEXICAN!! (though not very spicy stuff - BURNS!!!), cake, pancakes...meh just generally fatty food...Oh and broccoli...I don't know what it is about broccoli but it is soooo niiice.... .fruit - cherry W H I C H O N E .coke.pepsi -- Diet coke, diet pepsi .movie.dvd -- Gone with the wind *sigh*, Twelve Monkeys, The Shawshank Redemption...hmm there are more.... .hot.cute -- Hot .love.like.lust -- Love *I wish* .flowers.candy – CANDY!! (though it'd just end up flushed away...ahem) .tall or short -- Taller than me F I N I S H T H E S E N T E N C E .in the morning i am – Desparate to go back to bed...Dreading school...Wishing I was asleep again .all i need is - Happiness..*sigh* .love is- Impossible...is anyone really in love...? will i ever meet ANYONE i love??? .im afraid of – Myself. My future. My "disease" and what consequences it will bring into my life. .i dream about - Being happy. Being dead. Being thin. B/ping. .i want – To be happy. To be dead (?). To be thin. To b/p. Though maybe recovery should be an idea...*la la la la...* .i wish – I never had this stupid ed. WHY ME? Why couldn't I just stay normal? .i love - Stupid things. .i hear - Someone showering .i wonder – If bulimia will kill me...today? Tomorrow? Ten years? W H O W A S T H E L A S T P E R S O N .you talked to – Dad .hugged – Dad .you instant messaged – God I don't know! .you laughed with – Too few laughs :( D O Y O U E V E R .save aol conversations - No, I don't have AOL .cry because of someone saying something to you – No .color your hair -- Yes, but not anymore. I'm scared it'll fall out more than it has. But yeah before this ed I dyed my hair loads and it was fine. I used to have great hair, strong & healthy, thick..now? Dry, limp, thinning.. .get off the damn computer – I love it to bits .habla espanol – Si, un poco.. H A V E Y O U E V E R .cried your way out of things Yeah .cried over someone you loved -- Yes..:'( .used someone – Yes .lied to your parents -- No, the core of my existance is all truth...They know ALL ABOUT what I puke... .ran away from home -- :'( Yes .got so drunk u passed out -- No. Not from alcohol... .drove a car -- No .cried when someone died -- Yes :'( I miss him .been rejected -- Yeah .rejected someone -- No .done something you regret -- Of course, but why dwell on the past? You can't change it .smoked -- No A R E Y O U .schizophrenic -- I hope not .obsessive compulsive -- I hope not...though I'm a bit worried .panic -- I hope not.... .anxiety -- I hope not.... .depressed -- I hope not....:'( How do you know? .suicidal -- A bit, though it's just selfish thoughts & no more. I'd never do anything. .obsessed with hate -- Possibly C U R R E N T .bff (girl or guy)-- None .clothes -- Jeans .mood -- UGH .music -- None .taste --None .annoyance -- Essays need doing .thing I ought to be doing - Essays.... ---> Birthplace: UK ---> Current Location: UK ---> Righty or Lefty: Righty ---> Innie or Outtie: Innie // series two - describe ---> Your heritage: British, Chinese ---> The shoes you wore today: Pale blue Mary Jane flats w/red stars (gah I sound like a loon!) ---> Your weakness: Food. Vomiting. All so tempting. Oh and weight loss. ---> Your perfect pizza: Greasy cheese, pepperoni, crisp veggies...simple.... ---> One thing you'd like to achieve: Happiness...maybe FREEDOM FROM ED!!!! // series three - what is ---> Your most overused phrase on aim: Ummm ---> Your thoughts first waking up: STFU DAMN ALARM CLOCK! I NEED SLEEP! ---> The first feature you notice in the opposite gender: Height ---> Your best physical features: Hipbones, when my weight is lower ---> Your usual bedtime: Could be anytime. Or never. Sometimes I don't sleep. ---> Your greatest accomplishment: I SUCK ---> Your best memory: None // series four - do you ---> Smoke: no ---> Curse: When angered ---> Sing well: No ---> Want to go to college: I guess so, but I'm expected to do so...so you know... ---> Like high school: Oh the best time of my life.. ---> Want to get married: Yeah, but do you really think ANYONE would want to marry ME?? I'm so godamn useless ---> Type with your fingers on the right keys: Yeah ---> Believe in yourself: What's there to believe in??? ---> Get motion sickness: Sometimes ---> Think you're attractive: Nope ---> Think you're a health freak: LMFAO. Erm, no. I don't excercise. I don't digest food. Picture of health. ---> Like thunderstorms: Yeah ---> Play an instrument: No // series five - EVER ---> Drank alcohol: Yeah ---> Smoke(d): no ---> Done a drug: No ---> Gone to the mall: Yeah ---> Been on stage: yes. ---> Been dumped: no ---> Gone skating: Yes ---> Made homemade cookies: I've tried (my binges were too expensive) but failed ---> Gone skinny dipping: No ---> Dyed your hair: Yeah loads of times. ---> Stolen anything: Yes // series six - have you ever? ---> Been called a tease: no ---> Gotten beaten up: no. ---> Shoplifted: When I was a little kid I stole a plastic toy pig for my farmyard animal collection because my mum wouldn't buy it for me. I also stole a dinosaur pencil with a dinosaur eraser on the end of it because my mum wouldn't but it for me. ---> Changed who you were to fit in: No // series seven - the future ---> Age you hope to be married: Um ---> Numbers and Names of Children: Um --->Describe your Dream Wedding: *sigh* ---> What age do you want to die: Um ---> What countr[ies] would you most like to visit: South America, India...(I'd love to go back to the US, HK, Japan etc) ---> Current Hair: Thin ---> Current Annoyance: Me ---> Current Smell: None ---> Current thing you ought to be doing: Essay writing ---> Current Desktop Picture: a post comment

Survey for no reason [04 Jan 2004|05:32pm] I am: Lazy. Stupid. Weird. Pathetic. Hated. Fat. I love: I wish I could say I truly loved a person in real life but I don't. I don't know how I feel about my family and whatever "friends" I have. I'm just so hollow and emotionless. Most of the time I could say I loved eating, or throwing up, or the feeling of security and power and relief it brings. Or losing weight. I hate those at the same time though. I don't truly love anything. I have no love to give. I wish I did. I hate: Me, my personality, my attitude, my eating disorder, my life. I hate how everything in the world is so FUCKED UP. I don't know what to trust; the news? Who knows what the government/other countries' governments are really up to? And so much more. There is something deadly sinister and I don't feel secure. I hate discrimination, people who think they're better than anyone else (arrogance), I hate exams and schoolwork. I hate how the sole purpose of living is to make money and make kids. Do well at school, get a good job, raise a good family. I have many "hates". I fear: The future, with regard to my ed and apart from that, what will life bring? I fear weight gain and being fat. Getting fatter. I hope: Life will be good one day. Maybe I can be happy and content and achieve something. I hope that for myself and for anyone else suffering in the world. Maybe things will get better. I hear: A family member running hot water for a bath I crave: Right now? Nothing. Normally? Food, any food. Then emptiness. Bones, thin. I really crave happiness. I regret: Getting fat when I was younger (maybe none of this would have ever happened then). Dieting (maybe none of this would have ever happened then). Purging for the first time (maybe none of this would have ever happened then). I cry: Insanely muttering to myself in the dark in bed. Wishing for escape from my life. I care: About myself too much. I always: Procrastinate. I believe: Society as a whole needs to become more understanding and reach out to those in need; drug addicts, homeless people, disabled people, people with mental disorders including eds. etc. I feel alone: Often I listen: To normal, happy people leading normal, happy lives I hide: The very thing that my life revolves around I drive: My body into deeper and deeper decline I sing: Rarely I write: Poorly I run: Slowly....with some trouble I miss: Being a young child I learn: More and more about how fucked up life is I feel: Something no words can capture I know: I will screw up my exams and fail miserably in lie I say: I'm fine I succeed: With very little I dream: Of happiness someday (for me and for you) I wonder: Whether I'll die from this I want: Happiness I have: No talents, no merits, nothing I give: Because I take pleasure from giving to people. I love giving gifts and making letters and cards pretty. Though I rarely do this. I recieve: Criticism from parents who at the same time tell me I'm perfect and hard working. I fight: Myself I need: Life name; Rachael birth date: 19th Feb sign; Pisces eyes: Brown, though I like to think if you look closely they're dark green hair: Dark brown pets: Cat bf/gf: Are you joking? '' favorites '' bandz: I don't much bother with music... music genre: Rock I guess... crayon: Pink? cereal: Anything with oaty crunch clusters jolly rancher flavor: What? color m & m: I'm too busy shoving them in my mouth to notice. hangout: Kitchen, toilet, bedroom. day: Days are so short, what's the point? month: No idea season: Ditto shoes: The Betsey Johnson ones I tried in in Beverly Hills. Too bad they were $196 usd. restaurants: Ones in America. They give you good food for good prices and big portions. cars: Dunno kitchen appliance: Frying pan...oh wait color of lava lamp: ? person to talk to online: I have people to talk to online? person to talk to on the phone: The only person I ever talk to ocassionaly: Anna memories: Holidays...Free from life. |this or that| boxers or briefs? Briefs plaid or striped? Striped alt or rap? Alt. ska or punk? Punk classical or country? Classical salt or pepper? Salt. coke or pepsi? Both. Diet. dr. pepper or mr. pibb? Never tried. Sprite or 7-up? Either. skittles-original, tropical, or wildberry? Never had those flavours m & m's-regular, peanut, peanut-butter, or almond? Regular bleh or blah? Blah. Bleh. okay, ok, or o.k.? Ok shake or stir? Shake. bright colors or dark colors: Bright snap, crackle, or pop? - half-empty or half-full: Hmmm sunshine or rain? Dunno sun or moon? Moon. silver or gold? Silver. frogs or toads? Frogs. :: short answer :: left handed or right handed? Right. are you smart? I wish whats your middle name? Piss off how many personalities do you have? Uh how many piercings do you have? One set, ears tattoos? Nope what was your first word? ? do you read your horoscope? No do you believe in that stuff? Can't be bothered can you do a cartwheel? No can you drive? No do you keep a journal? Sometimes what languages do you know? English is all I can speak fluently. In order of how well I can speak/write: Spanish, French, Latin....Also know the odd words in Chinese (Cantonese), German, Japanese and Welsh...Ok I'll shut up. English. do you like cotton candy? Sure do you like pina coladas? Never had one. what do you sleep in? A double bed how many pillows do you have? 2 how many times have you moved houses? 1 is your room messy? Yes do you like your handwriting? When it looks "right" do you like to fingerpaint? Why? do you sleep with a stuffed animal(s)? Yeah whatever's lying around are you ticklish? Yes. did you go to preschool? Yeah are you a morning person? NO "hard questions" would you rather burn to death or freeze to death? Freeze to death. would you eat a bowl of live crickets for $40,000? No. if you had a band what would you name it? Rachael's Shitty Band where do you want to live? Honestly, I don't know, but a house in the Hollywood Hills would be nice. It's beautiful there. if you had to dye your hair right now, what color would you make it? Red if you had to get a body piercing right now where would it be? Belly button if you had to get a tattoo right now, what would it be? Nothing Spell your name backward: Leahcar If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be? My cat Ever been to Belgium? Yes What's your favourite coin? The £2 one? It's worth the most describe your.. Pillow cover: White Coffee cup: I don't have a coffee cup. I use whatever cup I find in the kitchen cupboard Sunglasses: None Shoes: Roxy. Black Mary Janes on a wedge with a white stripe on the wedge. Favorite top: Dunno Favorite pants: My Tommy Hilfiger ones. Cologne/Perfume: Very Irrisistable Givenchy CD in stereo right now: Amen Wearing: Crap Makeup: None appearance hair: Past my shoulders height: 5'4 thinking of: Food last thing you... bought: Can't remember read: An email either / or tea or coffee: Coffee beer or cider: Yuck cats or dogs: Cats single or taken: Single. pen or pencil: Pen gloves or mittens: Gloves. food or candy: Candy cassette or cd: cd ::you:: want- To be happy need- To work harder live to- Die make- Vomit want to be- happy you are: shit 4 comments|post comment

Pointless Quiz [01 Dec 2003|09:17pm] -- BODY ILLS AND SKILLS -- Nervous Habits: Playing with the cuffs/sleeves of my school jumper Are you double jointed?: No Can you roll your tongue?: No Can you raise one eyebrow at a time?: No Can you blow spit bubbles?: Sometimes Can you cross your eyes?: No Tattoos?: None Piercings and where?: Just ears Do you make your bed daily?: Never -- CLOTHES -- Which shoe goes on first?: Don't pat attention Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone?: Yes On the average, how much money do you carry in your purse/wallet?: No average really. I'm poor so not more than £30 at a time. I start off with lots then end up with zilch because all the fast food calls out to me... What jewelry do you wear 24/7?: I don't...except my watch. Need to know when I started eating, how long the food has been inside me, how long I have to purge etc Favorite Piece of Clothing: Umm I dunno Pajamas: No preference -- FOOD -- Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?: I stuff it in my mouth as fast as I can Have you ever eaten Spam?: Yes Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: Any Ben and Jerry's (but to be honest, any ice cream is good) How many cereals in your cabinet?: Frosted Shreddies of which there are three 750g boxes...*munch munch* if there's nothing better to eat What's your favorite beverage?: Soy bean milk (don't ask), Gatorade type drinks (but the cals are scary), Ribena Toothkind (the lowest cal type, lol). Diet Coke is ok, but I drink so much of it, it's become boring. What's your favorite restaurant: Any!! Chinese is yummy! (Golden Palace). TGI's, Nando's, Bluebeckers...The Spring Moon at the Peninsula in HK is very nice (sooo expensive though) Do you cook?: Whenever I get the chance (when my parents go out normally) -- GROOMING -- How often do you brush your teeth?: Once every few days? Yeah I don't after I purge then I forget...Must have some breath eh? How often do you shower/bathe?: Once a day How long does your shower last?: I have a bath. It's too cold to have a shower. (I do run the water and just purge though) Hair drying method: My pink hairdryer does the job well Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair?: Yeah loads of times. Pink, purple, red, blue, green...Auburn loads of times. Do you paint your nails?: Religiously. I remove my old polish once a week, do a full manicure and re-paint. That's the only part of me I bother with much. -- MANNERS -- Do you swear?: I don't usually. If I'm angry then it just comes out. Do you ever spit?: I spit my vomit out. -- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE -- Animal: Cats and horses Food: What isn't my favourite? Pizza, chips, candy, burgers, ice cream, cakes, pastries, desserts, cream cakes, muffins, doughnuts, cheescake!!, pancakes, waffles, cookies, crisps, noodles, Chinese...Sushi... Month: December, February Day: That's a tough one... Shoe Brand: Toughie again Subject in school: History, art (though I don't do it sadly), biology Color: Black, hot pink Sport: I hate physical activity. Though horse riding, water polo and *what was it*?? Are fun Tv show: I don't watch much TV Thing to do in Spring: Shop, eat, puke Thing To Do In The Summer: Shop, eat, puke Thing To Do In Autumn:Shop, eat, puke Thing To Do In The Winter:Shop, eat, puke and whine about how shitty my life is/has been this year :D -- IN AND AROUND -- The CD Player: Amen Person you talk most on the phone with: I don't talk on the phone much; nobody really likes me Ever taken a cab?: Yes Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows and mirrors? Yes. Compare my size with other people, have I gained? Do I look fat? Is that a new bone? What color is your bedroom?: White Do you use an alarm clock?: I should Window seat or aisle?: Aisle-freedom (freedom to get to the toilet if I need to *you know*) -- LA LA LAND -- What's your sleeping position?: Curled up Even in hot weather do you use a blanket?: What's hot weather? Do you snore?: I hope not Do you sleepwalk?: I hope not Do you talk in your sleep?: I hope not Do you sleep with a stuffed animals?: No How about with the light on?: No Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on?: No -- WHICH IS BETTER -- Coke or Pepsi?: Neither-they're both good Oranges or apples?: Oranges burn and apples scratch. Neither. One pillow or two?: Two Deaf or blind?: Neither Pools or hot tubs?: Hot tubs. Pools are so fucking cold. Blondes or brunettes?: Brunettes Tall or short?: Tall TV or radio?: TV Beach or pool?: Beach Tic-Tacs or Certs?: Tic Tacs, coz I dunno what Certs are! Snooze button or jump out of bed?: Snooze Sunrise or Sunset?: Both Hamburger or Cheeseburger?: Cheeseburger is an improved hamburger!! Morning or night?: Night Sports or news?: News. Sports sucks big time!! Indoors or outdoors?: Indoors Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?: BOTH! Cake or ice cream?: Cake...but only b/c it doesn't melt Spearmint or Peppermint?: Either Bath or shower?: Bath Book or Movie?: Both Green or Red apples?: Neither Rain or Snow?: Snow Nike or Adidas?: Neither -- WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU -- Took a shower?: Months ago (I have baths) Cried?: Last month Talked on the phone?: Today Read a book?: Yesterday (Wasted) -- THE FUTURE -- Where do you see yourself in ten years?: Either: 1. Dead 2. Bulimic and almost dead 3. Just as I am now but older and more ill + depressed 4. Same as now but older and a fuck up Who are you going to be married to?: Nobody would ever want to marry me. I'm useless, horrible, worthless How many kids?: Either 0 or 2 Your profession: Lawyer sounds interesting or maybe some kind of ed doc?? Psh like I'd ever make the grades Future School: Oxford or Cambridge! (Or Harvard or Yale!) Lmao. Man/Woman of your dreams?: Umm Car of Your Dreams?: Cadillac post comment

Just had to say... [29 Nov 2003|05:01pm] We're going to Vegas for Xmas!!! (well very likely) Mum woke me up today saying "Do you want to go to Las Vegas?" I was half asleep and was like "Wtf??" We're going to San Francisco and Los Angeles as well! I'm so excited, but more worried about food. I won't be able to purge for a few weeks because I'll be with my family all the time. AHH! I'm going to gain and gain and gain. Also, what about the buffets in Vegas?? Fuck, if we go to one of those I'll be in heaven except I won't be able to purge with my parents there! It's not like in Hong Kong or Japan (generally relatively "healthy" food) or even Europe...No offense to the USA, but it's THE USA...BIG portions, XXXXXXL everything...eeeeep. It's the land of Krispy Kremes!! I have to try one...Even if I have to keep it down...I sooo have to try one. This is the land of fast food...And cheap cheap cheap...Vegas with BUFFETS everywhere and I won't be able to purge. The irony. No, but I'm so excited. America is such a cool place...I haven't been since I was 9 or 10! No but seriously, America or not. Keeping down food for 2-3 weeks like that is very very scary. I won't be able to stop eating either. I just know it. Plus with all that food, what do I do?? I'm going to gain and gain. Better take some big jeans when I go. I'll have to lose it all again for February because mum wants to go to Hong Kong for Chinese New Year/half term...I'll gain it all back when I go...Then the cruise in Easter (bikini time...yikes). Then get fatter on the cruise because I'll be with teachers and people all the time...Then in summer France and Spain with the school...I'll have to eat on those too...And, October the school trip to China. I'm going to be so fat by the end of all this. I'm so grateful and appreciate how lucky I am...going on so many holidays, but I'm terrified of all the food and weight gain. :( I was 122 before I went to Hong Kong and Japan last summer. I came back and was in the high 130s...gross... 1 comment|post comment

Summary of my life/past few days (enjoy...) [23 Nov 2003|08:41pm] Thursday 20th: Chemistry: friend told me how thin my arms were, compared our arms ("There's nothing on your arms!!" she said, pinching them). Funny thing is, 7 months ago or so I thought she was perfect, super skinny. Tiny legs etc, but when she compared our arms...hers were bigger...??? WTF?? There's no way I'm thinner than her. That's just impossible. I'm THE FAT ONE. FATTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE, always have been. But...my arms are...thinner??? I'm so confused. It can't be right. B/ped during lunch (AGAIN). RS: Discussed suicide. That was a horrible lesson, it made me feel terrible and I was so close to crying. Everyone else was fine and perky, as if everything was just normal. They said it was selfish, cowardly etc. I tried to argue my opinion, but I couldn't get the words out. I stammered and stuttered. After I said to a fried: "Didn't you find that lesson so depressing?" "Nah it was ok, quite an easy topic...So, are you coming into town this weekend?" Just like that. Didn't even bother her. During the lesson I got wound up inside. I went dizzy. :( Friday 21st: Non uniform day. Walked into Spanish and Kate goes: "WOAH!! You're skinny!" and everyone stared at me suddenly. I was so humiliated, I sat down trying to hide myself. :( Various people told me I was skinny that day...but I'm not...just stop...don't look at me, please. Got home and b/ped for hours and hours. Started to get faint and was very dizzy. Was close to passing out and dozed for 40 mins. Got up and baked a birthday cake for mum. Finished the cake, showed mum. She didn't want any (nice eh?) but said I could have some. OOPS. Yeah so guess what happened? :( Saturday 22nd: Went to mum's fave Chinese restaurant for her b/day. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to purge and was thinking of just not eating, but I managed to purge... Mum went to the loo first, then I went in... "Do ya want me to wait for you??" she called "No I'm ok thanks, mum..." So I purged as hard as I could. I just had to get it all out. I did. I got 80-90% of it out in a very short space of time, much faster than usual. Was "proud" of myself. The loo wouldn't flush so I left it, full of vomit for the Oriental mum and kids to use...Lol, they must have thought I was crazy. Went back to the table, whispered something about "tampons and periods" to my mum..."girl stuff" to explain my long time in the loo. She nodded...I gulped some hot tea. Made up an excuse about wanting to check out the department store...nobody else wanted to go so I dashed up there, headed straight for the instore toilets and purged (hopefully all of) the remaining food. Strode back dizzy and spinning, but ALIVE. Proud. Safe. No food inside me. Empty. Secure. Confident. Got into the car... We went to a Chinese supermarket, bought some interesting stuff: candy, noodles, prawn crackers, egg tarts, soya bean drinks (sound odd, but they're very tasty) and more. I like going to those, quite interesting to see all the exotic foods. Ate Chinese candy all the way home. In so many cool flavours: coconut, coffee, strawberry, pineapple, peach, and more...Purged at home...Ate more when I got home...Purged more...Weighed in at...96.8lbs. Sunday 23rd: B/ped a lot. Kept down a lot of candy. Fucking lazy. So tired. Homework as usual. Stupid me. DIE DIE DIE WHY DON'T YOU? I sometimes wonder whether bulimia will kill me. Sometimes I'm scared by this and sometimes I wish for it. Do I want to live or die? Can't quite make up my mind. Just keep putting it off, putting recovery off. I'll let bulimia decide when/whether I live or die I guess....Silly little girl. post comment

[18 Nov 2003|11:12pm] Don't feel well at all. I thought I really was dying last night, and today I just felt so weak and ill. I kept down 400g of Heinz carrot and corriander soup (204 cals) in the hope that I'll feel better. It didn't have any "bits" in it (no veggies) so it should just be peed out like water. I know that to feel better I have to stop purging, but I just can't. Keeping food down is impossible and not purging at all is even worse. I crave sweets and candy all the time too. I keep wasting money on stupid b/ps that are very very expensive (buying food from train station shops and newsagents etc). I really should have done my h/w and been sleeping by now, but Parent's Evening made me late home. It was ok. I feel like such a failure though. No matter what, I just don't feel like I'm good enough. I feel dirty, lazy and selfish. I am a bad person. I am a bad daughter. A bad friend. A bad student. I am greedy and gluttonous. I deserve to be extremely obese. (side note: so I'm not "fat", but I have all these other health/mind issues to deal with 24/7, so it's not any better is it?) 98.6lbs. There's a girl in my class who is stick thin, bones everywhere. She's a little taller than me and probably weighs about 20lbs less. She's naturally thin though and I'm just so jealous of her. She eats normally/a lot. Crisps, chips, sweets, chocolate...keeps them down..*sigh*. I was watching her in hockey today and her sports shirt was so loose...When she ran for the ball, it blew up a bit and you could see her hipbones poking out. Her elbows are all bony. She looks like a lollipop because her head is bigger than her body. I just can't believe she EATS and is so thin...I mean I can't believe normal weight people eat and stay normal, but she is practically EMACIATED and eats lots...And it's natural. Fucking hell, when I ate "normally" I was overweight. I ate less than most ppl I knew and excercised more and I was still FATTER than everyone else. I now see them eating and they don't gain. Fuck fuck fuck why is life so horrible? Yeah so I'm "thinner" than a couple of people now, but they EAT. EAT NORMALLY. FUCK them and eating normally. I just want to cry every time I see people eating because they're so normal. Food is not an issue. Weight is not an issue. They don't gain. They can't FEEL the BLOAT. When I start keeping food down, I swell up like a balloon. Mainly my stomach. My legs retain water for a bit too. My stomach is just BIGGER when I keep food down. I get fatter. Plumper. Chubbier. The feeling of fat is too horrific to describe. I know normal ppl don't want to be fat and whatever, but it's not just like that for me. Fat is more than just 'ugly' or whatever. Fat is like the end of the world, sheer horror, chaos, completely disgusting...Fat scares me so so much. 4 comments|post comment

[17 Nov 2003|08:30pm] So tired. It's Parent's Evening tomorrow. Oh great. I'm so thick and bad at all my schoolwork. I used to be Miss A* Perfect Student. Now I fail most of my tests and stuff. Woo hoo. I still suck and I want candy. Have lots of homework to be doing. Too tired to think straight. Candy makes things better. post comment

[16 Nov 2003|09:20pm] Just want to die. Will my ed kill me soon? I fucking hope so. Everything just hurts. Misery oozing through my veins. Please just take me away. 2 comments|post comment

THIS IS NOT ME: I HATE ME [16 Nov 2003|11:46am] I couldn't sleep last night; I kept having panic attacks, convinced I was going to die. It was horrible. I kept thinking about all the stuff I just mentioned. Think about it: I'm a kid now. I don't have periods anymore. What if I ever want to have children? Then can't? I'll want to die all over again and hate me more. The sooner I stop, the better the chances of me being fully healthy again and limiting the damage to my body (permanently). Stop? Just like that? --- Wrapped up mum's present earlier :D I cooked breakfast for everyone this morning, oh so proud of good little me... I don't feel very well. My head is spinning so fast. Feel like I'm in a dream and I can't slow down, wtf. Argh. post comment

Fuck you: myself, bulimia, life, death, the world, meh [15 Nov 2003|11:44pm] Wait. Hang on a minute. I do not need an ed. I could die. Seriously. What if I just never wake up? Does it matter if I'm fat? Do I really want to die? I know I'm getting thinner, I can see the bones. I'm shrinking. I'm scared. Am I weaker? I don't want to die. Really. I'm just a kid. So I gain 5...10...(20??) lbs. I won't be *fat* will I?? UK 8-10 is "normal" size, right? I'm a little smaller so if I gain a little I'll be ok right? Maybe fatter than now, but not fat. Normal slim? Slim??? SLIM?? 20 lbs. I couldn't take gaining 20lbs...Even 5 is pushing it. I know if I eat I'll gain and it's water weight, but what if I just KEEP gaining?? More than just the few lbs of water weight? I'll end up at 160 again in no time and be REALLY FAT again. Fat scares me. I don't want to be FAT FAT ever again. I know in my head that I'm thin, that other people think I'm thin. To an extent I suppose I think I'm thin. No, not thin, maybe just a little slim. Really? I can't tell. I don't feel thin somehow even though my clothes hang on me, the scale tells me low, I can see and feel bones and other people say I'm thin. But, people say I'm *too* thin and scrawny and tiny and stuff. I'm not that thin..am I? Am I even thin at all? I don't know what to believe. I still need to lose more weight, though I don't understand why exactly. I'm at the smallest adult UK size now. Why therefore do I need to lose more weight? I weigh less than most of my friends. My measurements are: 30.5,24.5,31. Is that thin?? I saw model stats and apparently I'm similar to them. That can't be right. I am seriously so confused. My parents go on like I'm emaciated, but really I'm not that thin. Could I ever just be happy and normal? Should I dare try? What do I eat? Will I gain a lot? How do I control myself: I'm addicted to and obsessesed with food. Any food makes me go slightly strange. Food is...Food is...SPECIAL. To most people, food is food, eat and get on with life, but to me food is my life, my obsession. I crave it, I need it. I desire it like a lover, I love food in the way anyone else would love their partner. I can't sleep at night because I crave it so much and the thoughts of it just won't leave my head. I can't just eat one cookie, one chocolate bar, one packet of crisps, one normal meal. It has to be more and more and MORE. Insatiable. Beating a food addiction: so hard because you need to eat to live so can never get food out of your life, unlike alcohol, cigarettes, drugs etc. I want to stop wasting money on food. What a stupid thing to do. I should save it, or buy nice clothes or..I don't know. Use it for something I can at least show for. I buy food and then down the toilet. Nothing left. I have no boobs and clothes look stupid on me now. Before I was fat, but I had damn good boobies!! At least tops looked right where my boobs were. Now my stomach looks big because there are no boobs above to "balance" it. Looks like a little kid. So yeah I can see the chest bones, but I have NO BOOBIES! My bras all sag and flop. I am not feminine. I am not sexy. (wtf??) Waaaaaah I'm so confused. Why do I have to deal with a fucking ed? Can't I be normal and can't it all just go away? Please somebody just take it away. I'm so trapped and stuck. Please take it away. Why me? It hurts if I sit down on hard things; my tail bone knocks and it hurts. I have to be careful in the bath because it hurts when my bones bang on the bottom of it. Before, I couldn't wear rings because my fingers were too fat. Now, they slide off. Was it inevitable? Was I destined to be this way? To have an ed? For as long as I can think back, I can remember feeling fat. I was obsessed with the word "fat" as a child; I would read and re-read anything weight or fat related over and over again as if somehow it would teach me to be thin. (maybe that's not what I mean-just can't explain it). I was normal weight though, not fat as I can see from old photos. But I always felt fat. At some point age 9-11 I was obsessed with doing sit ups. I'd do them in bed at night as a punishment for being so fat. Over and over again. I read articles about eds with curiousity and was fascinated. I did not understand that they were a disease then, I thought they were how to lose weight. When I saw pictures of recovered anorexics I thought "Well she's still thin though isn't she?" I was so naive. Later I started "dieting". Soon I started fasting. Restricting. EXCERSING (like crazy)......Purging. Purge. Purge Purge. Oh isn't it a lovely word? (NOT). Stupid little fuck I was, thought "Yeah better make myself sick, must lose weight..." (though I hadn't lost). AND FROM THEN IT (Bulimia particularly) began. I had no idea, ABSOLUTELY NO STINKING SHITTY BLOODY GODDAMN IDEA of what would happen. What bulimia was. You just don't know until it happens to you. You really have no fucking clue. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. Need to say fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY? I hate this I hat e this I hate it fuck fuck fuckity fuck. Stop swearing....So was it obvious this would happen? Would it happen anyway? Sooner or later? I think, therefore I am. What if I was "not". I do not want to exist. I am not asking to be dead. Exist. Think about it. Wouldn't it be wonderful to just not exist. Sadly that will never happen. Unless I really don't exist and the world is just a lie and I am something else. Maybe it's all a lie. Maybe this is just a strange TV show for aliens: my life...or to be more precise: ME, my head and thoughts. Do I wish for that? Can't answer. Be careful what you wish for. OH SWEET FUCKING "EYE ROE KNEE!" I wished for thin. So biatch ya got thin, happy now? HA HA, that's mothefucking hilarious! Best joke I ever heard! Sweet! post comment

:D [15 Nov 2003|10:12pm] [ mood | happy ] I feel wonderful right now...On such a high. Really good. Then I think about the lies of my ed to my mum and *BAM* guilt. She keeps asking if I'm "ok" because she thinks I'm too thin. I was showing her my hot pink tights this morning and wore them with a miniskirt and she told me my legs looked like Olive Oyl's (from Popeye) because they were like sticks or something. I know they're thinner than they used to be, but I wouldn't say they were thin-thin. I can pinch a lot of flab on my thighs and there isn't a very big gap between them. Anyway, I don't want to think about that. Everything else is good, happy. Positive. I have lots of homework to do but that can wait for tomorrow. (yeah I'll regret saying that!). I'm now 98.2lbs. Just over seven stone. Seems a bit unreal really. I remember dreaming of being this weight and how thin and perfect I'd be. I'm not really thin at all and everything is less than perfect. Oh well. I got my first piece of English coursework back on Friday; the creative writing one. I got an A*!! 19 out of 20 marks! :D I couldn't believe it, I was so happy! *Prays the rest will be ok too* Friday: Went to see "In America" with Livi and Sarah. It was a good film, but a bit strange. It was funny because the doctor was meant to be American (because they were IN AMERICA, lol) and he suddenly started talking with a distinct posh British accent! Hee hee. Then the other guy who was meant to be American too kind of lost it and started talking like the Irish family. The cinema was almost empty! There were a couple of people from our school there too with their b/fs on double dates (cute!). We got Burger King vouchers with our tickets and I got my friend's b/c they didn't want them. (More money down the toilet...)...I also got handed some KFC vouchers on the high street. Maybe it's a sign? Lol. Later we went to Nando's and I got a chicken pitta burger/sandwich type thing with chips (yuuuuuum) and lots and lots of Diet Coke. Then Livi and I went to the station to go home, we said bye and I puked all the way home. ;) Saturday/like today lol: Didn't do much but still happy :D Went to some shops with mum (my mum's great!) got some nice stuff from Boots and Superdrug (oooh make up!). Went home and had...a BBQ...*cough cough* Yes so there we go: the randomness of my family. "Oooh we have lots of meat...let's have a barbecue!" (in the middle of November??) Lol. Anyway, lots and lots of food so I'm not complaining...Purged and went shopping again (town centre). Bought two chocolate eclairs *drool*...Bought that Sally Hansen nail stuff I *needed* (ahem) and some CUUUUTE nail polish remover from the Icing range at Claire's (it's pink and girlie!!). Then I bought some aromatherapy stuff for my mum for her birthday and saw some nice flowers at a stall so I got her those too. Came home, had lots of chopped bananas with custard + sugar nice and smooth. Weighed myself (*GRIN*). Relaxed etc. All in all a good day. I was going to go hang out with everyone, but I just didn't feel like it...I'd have to spend time travelling by train and all that boring shit. Plus I don't know half the people there and they all think I'm some dumb loser so they don't talk to me anyhow. So yeah just stay away. But noooow I have to do coursework tomorrow and clean my room. RGP is down. It's been down for a couple of days and I'm going nuts!! Goddamn it I NEED RGP!! Waaaaaah. I am so dependant on one site, lol. I have such a simple life. :D post comment

Out of control [14 Nov 2003|01:19am] Just realised I've b/ped 6 times today. Not the most I've ever done, or a lot by any means but a lot for a school day. I feel VERY out of control. Just dreaming of food all the time and eating and throwing up and whatever. I can't stop, it's so addictive and compulsive... oooh maybe we can watch Seabiscuit tomorrow...I'll be with friends who don't suspect about my ed so it'll be ok...Wow I really want to see it now because of the whole bulimic bit...*is intriuged* 1 comment|post comment

Happy Days [14 Nov 2003|12:25am] Done purging, sipping Coke and taking vits. Now 99.6. I'm going to the cinema with some friends after school tomorrow, then we're going to Chili's!! (going home straight afterwards of course ;) Oooh hopefully I can get a big really tasty dinner and a dessert...Squeeze in a starter too (yes who's a pig??). Then TO THE STATION! *Purge* Go home, zonk out. I would not go/not eat if we went to Chili's first. THANK GOD we're not doing that though. Mwa ha ha. It took me so bloody long to get to 99.6 and now I'm going to my friend's house for a sleepover on Saturday night. Fucking bloody grr!!! I have to eat dinner and breakfast *at least* because I need to prove that "I don't have an eating disorder" (of course I don't! Why do I??). Or I could just not go...Damn it..I have this horrible feeling they're plotting to fatten me up :( They said something like that to me. YUCK. So I'll come back like 107. :( post comment

Almost done [13 Nov 2003|11:53pm] Ate lots of cereal, almost done purging. Just rinsing now. Then clean up everything. Weigh, sleep. A proper update in a min! post comment

DOUBLE DIGITS!! [13 Nov 2003|11:33pm] 99.8LBS! Anyway off to purge...hope I don't gain! post comment

*Blood* [10 Nov 2003|11:04pm] I just purged and umm I think there was blood. OH DEAR. Yes. Um. Hm. Blood in puke. Not good sign. Damn. post comment

Comfort eating :'( [09 Nov 2003|10:14pm] Sad, happy, low. Eat and eat. Cookie after cookie. More and more, can't stop. Need to taste, crunch, chew. Numb the pain. I realised that when I just ate. Ate for what? Was I sad? Yes. I don't know if I usualy comfort eat, but that made me feel worse. Knowing exactly why I was eating like that. Couldn't stop. post comment

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