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...I'm still bingeing.
C came in for 4th of July weekend. We ate ourselves to death.
I started smoking cigarettes again. I thought maybe it would help me stop bingeing. It just led to me feeling annoyed and badly about the fact that I've been doing both.
I know why I am bingeing. I know that I am stressed out about this whole shit at my job and the series 7. I want to up my concerta dose so that I can take this on like a normal person, but my doctor said no, and I cant take two pills at the same time because that would be wayyy too strong.
Fuck.
I just thought that I was above this, but I guess not. I pulled out my bulimia workbook, so I guess I'm going to start going through it again.
I really need to pass this test, but I havent been doing well enough on the practice exams to go in to the real test with confidence. Next week, I guess.
My boss gave me the day off today to study, which definitely helped, but I didnt get as much in as Id wanted to AND I overate.
This was my food today:
breakfast: thomas' bagel with fake butter and 1% milk ~500
lunch: noodle soup with egg ~500
snack: skittles ~240
snack: cookies ~650
workout: 1 hour on the treadmill ~500 calorie burn
dinner: chicken and mushrooms ~250, corn ~150
snack: more fucking skittles?! what the hell. 240
I netted just over 2000, but ugh, not good enough. I would rather me eat more real food than this snack-y shit. I hate that I learned that my building has a stupid vending machine. I wish I never knew. I started using the club area on the top of my building to study since things arent open late in the financial district and I discovered the fully stocked vending machine, which is where I got all the cookies and skittles.
I've decided that that room with that stupid fucking binge trigger is completely off limits. No vending machine. NO VENDING MACHINE.
Tomorrow I go back to work and I'm going to try to take off either Thursday or Friday to study again so that I can get this stupid test out of the way and move on with my life.
I will start tracking my food too. I'm setting some rules so that I can get this binge thing out of my system
1. Be rational about my hunger
2. If I want to binge, I have to eat something like 3oz of tuna, just to see if I'm actually hungry.
3. Once I've addressed the hunger and still want to binge, then I will keep busy until it goes away.
4. All places with easy access to trigger foods are off limits. Places with expensive food is fine, since I am fucking poor right now.
5. No sugar that isn't in milk, solely because I rely on milk for protein and I have a carton in my fridge that I dont want to go bad. No candy, no sugary foods like yogurt, no desserts, just for like 2 weeks. Then, slowly reintroduce sugar with yogurt and eventually occasional sweets.
6. Weigh in once per week. Avoiding the scale doesnt meant the weight hasnt been gained, it just means that I'm avoiding the scale because I know I've gained. I will weigh in on Friday regardless of how badly the rest of this week goes, though I am really going to try to eat like a regular person.
7. Keep up the exercise! I skipped like 4 days when C was in town, but I was going 5-6 days per week prior and I've worked out yesterday and today, so I'm back on track.
8. Dont use exercise as a means of purging. If I start using it as a purging mechanism then I will curb all workouts to 45 mins or less.
9. No other purging of any kind, either.
Lastly, if I can survive 2 weeks without bingeing, then I will treat myself to an hour long massage and a trip to Chinatown to stock up on tea leaves. I already bought some new tea and I'm kinda broke, so I really want to treat this as a reward, not a necessity. And massages are always nice.
Also, C comes back in 2 weeks, so I have to look good. I looked good on Thursday when he got here because the bingeing really hadnt been that bad and I had purged the day before... I know, terrible. I'm not going to do that again. I felt terrible afterwards.
C and I had a good weekend, he says he wants to move back to NY for a year from September, but it really depends on the economy and who is hiring, which I understand. My lease will be up in October, so I guess we can talk about actually getting a place if we've worked things out by then. I do miss him a lot. I think that my real problem with our relationship was the fact that he likes to party a lot and I dont. I know that before he moves here and certainly before we ever consider moving in together, I'll just have to explain to him that I'm not going to go out with him every night, but that he can still go and that I'm okay with that. There was a lot of pressure on me in college to always go with him, but I know that little things really tweak me out and its not worth losing control of my food and body. I do think that I need to loosen up just a little bit and go out once a week or something, even if I want to go home early. The other things that we have to work through are: taking our personal space, even if it means moving to a cheaper area with a 2 bedroom, and getting into a routine that we can both live with that includes all the things we like to do, while still fitting "us" time in. We talked about it and agreed on both of these things. Its a really long time away, though and we've agreed to see other people for now anyways. So, I guess we'll see. I like to plan and he doesnt... Planning makes things fun, even if they never happen. I like to anticipate. Its kinda funny because my job is about making on the spot decisions all day and his is about planning. Ha.
I think thats all I wanted to talk about. This is actually going to become a food journal. I know I keep saying that, but I actually mean it this time. My food is WAY too out of control for it not to be.
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blah
amused
cheerful
tired
ecstatic
calm
stressed
accomplished