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Sexual anesthetic

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[16 Feb 2004|10:04pm]
I tell them every dream I've ever had

I tell them every place I have ever gone
And if there's a fear of empty space
I need to be surrounded by someone

Waiting for a chance that things could change
Or spend another night among the dead
Searching for a calming presence
I'm so excitable

Nothing happens, I just can't go on

Tell me why we have to live like this
Waiting for a certain, distant fall
Comfort is as unlikely as escape
And love is always so conditional

I'm tired of the tense and frightened looks

Staring out these tired, anxious eyes
Looking for constant approval
I'm so desirable

Nothing matters, I have to move on
I have to move on
I have to move

I guess it's pretty self-destructive to ruin on what you create
What if I said it's more productive
Would you make a fool out of me?
Cause I'd make a fool out of you
With your cool guitars and rock-star eyes
thrash metaltional on cue
Or is it hypocrites, like us
That fear what truth can do?
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[15 Feb 2004|10:23pm]

I bring sorrow to all who love me
It was during that sorrow that love came to me
I am oblivion
I am glory
I am love love love

"Andrea Chenier"-Giordano

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[10 Feb 2004|11:48pm]
Read more... )

Today I ate:
cream soda
grilled cheese
turtles chocolates

msn-not a thing to do but talk to you

I absolutely love having a spare. I love that I have excess to the student council office, which has a phone, computer and couch. Which come in handy for wayne communication, research and sleep. And I am the only council memeber who has a 3rd prd spare. Love it.

I am doing the layout in the yearbook for Mike and mine's rock show. Krissy signed up to do and it and I convinced ms clarke it only makes sense if I do it. So she erased her name and put mine. Punk rock. I also signed up for the body mod page, but I think it was done last semester. Remember how I was told I would be a main editor? yeah, I thought it was funny to.

My mum bought me valentines to give out to my friends and people I enjoy being nice to. But these valentines are horrid. So horrid they are almost cool, but not really. They are cell phone shaped with tackey animal print and they say the crappiest sayings. Ex. Give me a free minute valentine!
What kind of message does that send? Get the fuck away from and give me space...

I still cannot get my brain around antropology and I don' know why. Everyone else thinks is the easiest class ever and have no problem..then I sit there hating everyone and myself for signing up for the class becuase I don't know what I'm doing. I'm glad she hasn't taken the 'homework' from the past two days cause she'd tell me not to bother returning.

I have really big money management problems.

I love Alysson and feel I'm not as close to her as I used to be. She's going to see A Perfect Circle. I'm very happy for her. She could die the second they went off stage and she'd die happy.

'And at your funeral, I will sing the requiem'
-Saves The Day

Justin Wisteard is having a show on the 27th in Bloomfield for his brithday. I Hate Sally, Polidicks and Sapnking of Slaves or something is playing. Unsolicited was to play, but there is personal conflicts with Tyler, so they had to decline. Wayne is outright not happy about it, but he'll be fine. I just don't think he knows it yet. There are things beyond his control.

But is will still be an amazing time and I cannot wait. I can pretend I know what I am doing during moshing again and die a few times. Maybe my other boot lace will break..that would be tons of fun.

Suicide Girls was alright. Not everything I wanted, but it made me want to pose for them even more. Made me feel inferior to some of those girls. Just a thought of:'They'll never pick me if they picked someone as beautiful as her'.

I am looking forward to Valentines day for the first time in my life. In theory I hate the holiday and everything it may or may not stand for, but just what I thin might come of the day...makes me look forward to it.

When I type something...or when I'm speaking to someone,.sometimes I think:
'I don't recall anything I just said' then I expect the person to look at me like I'm insane and run. BUt they always respond. Apparently Trevor Westervelt admmited himself into a mental institution....maybe I'll follow.

I wish I could get the presidential canidates straight, but I'll have to wait a few more months. Why isn't John Cain running? He was cool. Maybe that isn't even his name. McCain? I'll shut up. VOTE RALPH NADER!

green party. get with the times.

Apparently there is some 100 million dollar scandal going on in the CDN political system. And everyone is acting so shocked.

Conan O'Brien is doing his shows in Toronto this week, and I love him for it. I love his show already, but coming here cause he actually cares about the tourism shortage is awesome.

love love love
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ctrl alt delete [31 Jan 2004|01:59am]
Today I ate:
hot chocolate, 3
pop tart
granola bar
dr pepper
diet coke

msn-and it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane

I woke up at 8:35 because I couldn't sleep anymore. Today was the day I have been waiting for since I was seven.

I slowly put last minute things together, spoke to Alysson on the phone and tried to occupy myself on the net.
I began to get ready at 7:30. I was ready by 8:15 and Kevin came a few minutes later. we then went to get Wayne, then Alysson, then Jo.
We were at the theatre directly on time. I was so fucking happy and excited. Us three girls looked mighty good.

The show was fucking awesome. Jo and I were the loudest and most vocal. Most had adpated our 'slut' and 'asshole' routine. People either loved us or hated us. We were sprayed with water, rice and toast at the right times. I was in my glory.
Everyone but Alysson completely missed the confetti cue, but for everything else we were right on. We were the only ones who brought cards, and a bell, but when I tried to ring it, it completely didn't work so I looked like a freak.
Alysson probably had fun but didn't show it, Wayne was pleasently scared, Kevin proclaimed at one point that he was getting horny, and he didn't think anyone but Jo would hear it...many people did.

When walking back to the van a police car passed us, and they stared. Then we went to Tim Hortons and had a sit down. Scary guy stared at me.

The next time I see it, I'll be much more prepared, decked out. I cannot wait for the next time. We should have went in the aisles for the Time Warp. I will next time. and I'l have a real full sized bell.

It didn't beat December 19th but it definatly ranks in the list of the best days of my life.

Wayne is becoming much more comfortable with the team, and an event like this would do it haha. I love him so much...I wanted to take him in a bathroom stall or anything tonight, but I contained myself. There is no one I love as much as I love him.

Scott is drunk. surprise.

neil cronk lost his virginity to a 31 year old women. They were both drunk.

I got some news tonight as I was getting ready. I didn't tell anyone tonight cause this was a strictly fun only night. Once I talk more with mum about it and understand it completely, I'll write it, but not yet.

I'm beautiful...did you know?

I love my boyfriend. I love my friends. I like my family.

I. I. The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
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[29 Jan 2004|11:00pm]
Today I ate:
eggs, homefries, toast
dr pepper


So I had my pap this morning. I have never had such a great time at the doctors! It was great. My doctor was complimenting me the entire time. She said I have a perfect cervix. Perfectly centered.
She went through everything as she was doing it..the when she got up to get that gel shit (which is basically lube), and she was talking about all these girls who lie about using condoms, then they'll get a pap and they'll have an STD. So she looked at me and said:
'so I hope you're using acondom..but you know once you're in a long term relationship'...then she smiled at me...'you're in one are you not?'
Me-'yes, I am'

"I can tell cause you lit right up".

hmm. Well I am quite fond of the man.

But yes, it went extremely well, and the results won't be back for quite awhile.

I watched about 30 minutes of Jesus Christ Superstar tonday...interesting. It's very fucking 70s.

Rocky Horror Tomorrow. I am pretty much shaking I am so excited. In twenty foru hours the movie will be 42 minutes in and I'll be tickled fucking pink.
Liz told me we're allowed to throw shit and participate in the movie, so Alysson and I are putting all the props together.

water pistols>Not Available
flashlights>no batteries
noisemakers>I have one...
party hats>N/A

Alysson described her outfit for me. She's going to look hot. Jo is going to be super sexy. Me-bitchin'. Dammit, I'm going to enjoy this.

Kevin is coming to get me at 8:30 then we are picking up Wayne, possibly Alysson and Jo, then going to the theatre.

It's going to be hilarious. cause the movie that is playing directly before TRHPS, is Something's Gotta Give, with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson. So all these older folk will be coming out and here's all us fucking costumed freaks. I'm going to bark at them.

I;ve got my camera all loaded up with new film. I took about 7 pictures of pointless crap so I could use up the last roll, so I could have a new one this time.

I ordered a Scissorhands shirt in April of last year. I still haven't got it. The band tried to re-send me one. Now they're broken up...and apparently US Mail hates me. Funny, when I ordered that shirt, The End by Beneath My Dreams was one of my favorite songs. Now they're broken up, and I still love that song. I should have ordered that album. It was only a dollar for chirst sakes.

I'm in love. I'm excited. I enjoyed my PAP. All is Well. Best week ever. Besdies Erins' car in snow bank..and muffin in snow bank...well you know what I mean.
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[27 Jan 2004|11:05pm]
[ music | cursibe- the radiator hums ]

Today I ate:
coffee, 2
1/2 bagel
three pieces of MUFFIN

msn-Another coughing shaking fit in a bathroom that is spinning I close the door & rest my head on the tile floor...turning me cold

Had my fashion exma today cause the buses ran this morning. It was alright, but I bombed a lot of it, especially on fashion history.

Alysson is the first person I found after the exam and I was looking for Jo and Kevin so I made a sign like in the airports when you get off a plane. The sign read:

No one really understood, but when they both finally came out of their exams, they appreciated it.

Angela, Lee, Jo, Kevin, Alysson and I then went to the salvation army thrift store, Classical Glass and Muddy Waters for lunch and a game of B Horror movies cards. That was intersting, confusing and fun. We spent money we didn't have on things that were good...but not great. Except the macaroons. Oh god. My coffee's were good for the first half.

Jo had to leave early for work, so once Kevin walked her and came back, the rest of us walked back to the school. Before we left I purchased a muffin with everyone elses money, as always.
It was too cold on my hands to eat it on the way so I put my hands inside my sleeves and held my muffin in my arm like a babay cause I loves muffins.
We are aout 150 metres from the school, Alysson comes up, grabs my fucking muffin and chucks it into a god damn snow bank!!!!! Into someones forigien yard. After I got over the shock, I realised Lee was having a fit laughing and Alysson kept walking. I ran up behind her and tried to jump her from behind...she then pulled me to the ground and we sat there pretty much on the road and half laughed half killed each other. I didn't know what to do. We haven't really spoke since so I don't know what the fucks going on. My best friend hates me and my MUFFIN IS IN A SNOWBANK!!!!

"I laid you in your grave
your sweet young skin was shiny then too"
-Bright Eyes

Hopefully this is a fake fight. I've never been in a real fight with Alysson...or Angela....or Jo.....peace.

Erin was in a little accident this morning, she's fine, thankfully. It was most lkely a mix of her car she hates and the snow. I'm just really glad she's okay.

If you cannot tell, my favorite song right now is Padraic My prince by Bright Eyes. It's the saddest song in history, Conor sings it perfectly...the lyrics...*sigh*. I love every second of that song. And I believe he uses a spanish guitar.

Aerosmith is playing in Hamilton on April 22nd with Cheap Trick. Mum is planning on going. Wayne and I are planning on going. (the three of us won't be sitting together). Fuck, that will be such a great time. I am so excited. I cannot find the price of the tickets anywhere, which sucks...but it will reveal itself in time.

Why would she be mad at me? Yeah don't worry, I'll talk to her and see what's going on.

ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW! I have my outfit all planned out, fuck I can't wait. Going to be so cool. We just have to find out how to make sure Kevin has the van.....or any car..

Don't dream it, Be It

Tomorrow is the grade 8 oreintation at the school. This when all the grade 8's from our feeder schools come and volunteers show them around, blah blah. Mr Lockyer thinks I am coming, he is sadly mistaken. My input to that 'venture' was putting a sign on the Student Council door that says:
'You're not in Kansas anymore Kiddies! Welcome, from your SC"

They'll think it's stupid, but I like to humor myself.

I hope buses are not cancelled tomorrow, because if not I will get to spend the day with Wayne. I love him so much, even though he won't dress up like Franken Furter....but I can get over that haha.

Cross your fingers for the buses at least. thank you.

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[26 Jan 2004|10:05pm]
[ music | polidicks-anyway ]

Today I ate:
gummy bears

msn-I'm getting reacquainted with my lower self

No exam today but still had to go to class. The teacher brought in a bunch of movies that no one wanted to watch. Luckily I had brought a few. We ended up going through about three of them cause everyone kept changing their minds.
Ms Travers made up 6 bags of popcorn and bought a few bags of licorice and we survived off that.

The candy dish in the student council office is nearly empty...I donated some candy to it today, it was gone by the time I came back from my exam.

Josh got his lip pierced..doesn't look too bad.

Erin (I love her) gave me a ride to Wayne's this afternoon. After fighting off scary Al friend, Wayne and I laid in his room for awhile, then we watched Once Upon a Time in Mexico which is on of the best movies ever. Go and see it, right now. I fucking love Johnny Depp. I fucking love Wayne. oh yes.

Tomorrow Alysson, Jo Kevin and I are going to Muddy Waters for the remainder of the exam day. I haven't talked to Angela in like a week, so I don't know what Lee and her are doing, but if they're coming that's super cool.

I'm so poor.

Friday, December the 19th 2003 was pretty much the best day of my life.

I have been kind of out of it since 8pm. I was watching The Simpsons at 6, and during a commercial I decided to close my eyes until it came back on. Then I fell into the deepest sleep ever and woke up at 8. I lost 2 hours of my life without knowing it, I was really confused for about 30 minutes. I;ve only ever felt that way maybe three times in my life. You know...when you wake up and you think "what the F?" for ever..and you don't even know why. Sleep is good, but not after you wake up in that state.


Yeah. It's soon. It might just beat out the 19th.

I have a dentist appointment on the 24th of February. I haven't been to the dentist since grade 9. I'm nervous...I hate the dentist. The worst part is that the dentist is going to be that fucking freak from Belleville...Dr McDowall. I hate his bloody radio ads.

It's a soundtrack you'd want to slit your wrists too.

oh lordy, I'm in love.

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[25 Jan 2004|11:29pm]
[ music | Raised Fist-Get This Right! ]

I am 98.5% Horny!
How Horny Are You?
quiz by

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[24 Jan 2004|11:18pm]
[ music | Bright Eyes-Something Vague ]

I was almost finished my entry for today....then I was talking to someone online and I went to click the window...and I accidently clicked 'back'. So now it's gone. Fucker. I guess I'll try to re-create it now. fuck.

Today I ate:

msn-norwegian wood

I just got back from Cold Mountain. I loved it. Loved it. Renee Zellwager was wonderful.
I enjoyed Jack Whites character, but I found scenes where he wasn't playing music, he was always trying to ducked out of the scene quickly.
I was disappointed with the ending. But I was happy about the extremely clear anti-war message.
Mum and I where probably the youngest people in the theatre.
I found myself overwhelmed about three times throughout the movie, I wanted to leave cause I couldn't take it. It was a very effective movie.

"I only had 22 months of marriage with your mother before she died, but it was enough to last a lifetime"

"If I had the world my way there would be no metal. No more blades, no more guns"

There are more great one-liners in the movie, but those are the only ones I can remember accurately. I would suggest this movie to anyone and I would go to see it again.

I cannot wait for The Rocky Horrow Picture Show. I'll probably say that everyday until it comes, so bare with me. Dancing in the aisles, touching myself while doing so, all with my 4 best friends. It's going to be so awesome. Best day of 2004 so far, something I'll always remember.

I didn't do too much today. I finished Alysson's birthday gift, although it's not for awhile. I also sewed up a pair of my pants cause there was a whole in the ass. I was proud once they were finshed.

My grandmother is moving into her 'apartment' they built on the back of my aunt house in Brighton next weekend. I don't even care what my opinion is on that anymore.

I got into an argument with Megan (Scotts daughter) today when we where in the kitchen. She was going on about people she hates in her school and all this crap. Then out of nowhere she says:
"And I don't like lesbians".
me-"Why? What reason could you possibly have?"
She didn't really have one. She's lke the many other fucking arrogant assholes I cannot stand.
"Well, like, what if they come on to me?"
Fuck off!! Who cares? Take it as a compliment that anyone would even want to talk to you, cause it baffles me why you even have friends.
She then said she isn't homophobic she is just afraid of lesbians. I than explained to her how stupid and contridicting she is. When she was talking about people she hated she mentioned a boy named Jordan Silver. I don't know this kid, but I'll remember his name for a long time. Megan says
"ew, there's this kid at my school named Jordan Silver and he's a dirty"
So when Megan mentioned she hates lebians becuase they mght come onto her I said: "well then I suppose you're Jordan-phobic too, becuase he is as good as a lesbian to you"
She continue to spew out ill-educated, ignorant bullshit and I continued to correct and point out her flaws, and she says:
"do you have any lesbians friends?"
me-"Yes, tons....but it doesn't matter, they are people"
her-"oh my god I'm I feel bad"
me-"but if I said I haven't even met one you wouldn't have taken it back"
her-" still"

Fuck I wanted to smash her face into the ground,. That kind of asshole bullshit talk is a huge problem, it's everything that is wrong with the world.

Then Travis walks into the kitchen to get a drink and Megan asks him if he likes Gay people.
Travis-"no....I mean...they're gay!"

This is when my blood boiled over.'

"I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE YOU TwO! Do you realise how disguisting you sound!! Do you hate black people cause they're black?"

They both say no, of course not.

"Saying you hate some one because they're gay is like hating me because I have curly hair! Or because I live in Consecon. Gay people don't hate you because you're stupid hicks. Smarten up!"

I had to leave the room at that point. I doubt I even taught them anything, but it bothered the fuck out of me. They've been brought up christian, which might have something to do with it. But I've met a lot of the adults they have grown up knowing, and I can see how they were brought up. They were taught to promote hate by their god and by their relatives.

"No future, no future, no future for you"
-Sex Pistols

I cannot wait until I can leave this place.

I think I need a funeral to attend.

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[23 Jan 2004|11:19pm]
Today I ate:
cream soda

msn-oh please tell me, elizabeth, how exactly does one suck a fuck?

I feel really weird right now. As I was logging onto my computer, I realised....hey I wrote an exam today, and I was with Wanye today. It seems like that was three days ago, when it was 12 hours ago. and I didn't even take anything today.

I need to get rid of this constant tickle/sickness in my throat.

So yeah, English exam today and I feel I did better then I would have ever imagined. We had to write a few answers about thesis and structure about an essay we were handed, then we were to write a response to the essay. Part B was a comparision essay on Hamlet and The Great Gatsby.
My teacher kept hinting to me that she wanted me to write until I really counldn't anymore. She would randomly go around the class and hand people more paper if they needed it, she came to my desk and gave me about 7...I looked up and her and she said:
'It's a hint! Just keep writing!'.


Afterwards I stood in the front of the school with Alysson, Kevin and Jo until everyone who Erin was giving a ride was there. In the car it was Erin, Kira, Becky, Lisa and I. They went to CJ's while I went to get Wayne's pictures from Giant Tiger. Fuck they turned out great.

Half way to Wellington, a light came on in Erin car, saying 'check your gauges'. Her dad helped us out once we were in Wellington, all was well. Erin dropped me off and the girls went to Belleville tonight.

I had a magnificent time with Wayne as I always do, although we both felt 'scummy'. He is so beautiful.

The students council office was transformed yesterday, it looks fucking brilliant.

I have been 'acknowledged' by Durham college. In other words they recieved my application. I am quite sure that's all I'll ever get from them, besides a rejection letter.
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[22 Jan 2004|09:28pm]
[ music | NOFX Sloppy English ]

Today I ate:
root beer
cheese, pickles, grapes, carrots

msn-In another dimension with voyeuristic intention well secluded I see all

Mum bought a new bathroom scale cause when you stood on our old one, you would either be 70 pounds under your actualy weight or 200 pounds over. So I weighed myself on the new one. 141 pounds. Not bad.

Exams were cancelled today because tons of buses were not running. I was both happy and sad with that. Doesn't matter really.
So every exam was bumped up by a day.

English exam tomorrow. Failing it. meh.

Mum is taking me to go see Cold Mountain on Saturday, I am so excited about that.

I am also estatic about The Rocky Horror Picture show next week, I said that yestreday but it is still very true. Fuck this is going to be fun. Jo and I are still trying to figure out rides and such, but we know we're going. I just hope it all works out (aka Kevin doesn't have to work).

Applied for college today. Angela said it right. 13 years of school for this flippin moment. Life is disappointing.

Now all I have to do is wait.


just because you can.

But you definatly have to go to Bush is the dumbest idiot liar ever. Sign up for the mailing list also. Makes you hate him even more, everyday.

I didn't do anything today really. Slept in until 11:30 after I found the buses were cancelled. Played SEGA with Jake for a long time. Got mad at the game, turned it off, Jake was mad at me for about 10 minutes until he forgot why he was mad.
Brought wood into the house for the woodstove.

Did you hear about Charlie's car? It caught fire in the middle of a trip to Peterbourgh. Only him that would happen to.

I wish I had some long rant or intellectual thought process about anything interesting to write about.

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[21 Jan 2004|11:10pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

I am not going to college in 2004. Maybe next fall, but not this year.
I tried applying and such today, and, keep in mind I was only going to apply for two or three programs, my first choice isn't being offered.
My second choice is full, unless I want to take it in May, which would be impossible. And now that I think about it, I don't want that program anymore.
Fashion Arts is full.

I waited too long, and it's my own fault. But they were programs I would take just because.

I want to open a bar. Maybe I should take business people say. They won't teach me what I want to know. Their going to teach me office cubicle 17 hour work day bullshit.
I'll do it my own, and use all the help from connections, like I always have. I always have.

'I think my life is passing me by'
-Sam Roberts

My only real fear is that I won't end up going, ever. I don't want to have to work factory or retail jobs forever just cause I was too stupid in grade 12. I mean, if my 'entrepreneurial' venture doesn't work out.
I just don't want to be in the county forever.

But this does mean I will be definatly moving in with Alysson on November. I am excited. I finally have answers.

Now it's just explaining it to mum.

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[20 Jan 2004|10:56pm]
Today I ate:
coffee, soup, biscuit, donut-thanks to Kevin
diet coke

msn-Your life's only you die, you orgasm


my hair smells like natural. I lie to my friends, and they lie to me, and they lie to each other, and they lie to me about lying to them and I lie to them about lying about them to me. but we love each other. honest. I love my boyfriend that I never see. I faulter in school to see him. He loves me, and I love him and he loves me for loving him, for loving me.

I made friends with a Swedish girl named Karen. She made me a ring. We talked about punk music and she really understood what I mean. She's my "dance-like-no-one-is-watching-to-Hallie Does Hebron" saviour. Her boyfriend from Sweden is in a grindcore band who are recording in the beginning of February. There's something in common right off the bat. I have been talking to her all semester here and there, but I really talk to her today, and she's amazing. Karen. She's one of the best people I have met in a long time, and once she goes back to Sweden in August, I'll probably never see her again.

'What will that get you not a fuck of a lot'

There was a fight outside of our fashion class today, between Ron, a Duke player, and a Duke hater. When someone from the hall opened our door and yelled:
I got up cause I wanted to stop it. Yeah, I think I am invincible when it goes to keeping the peace. They would have killed me. But anyway, Mr Bell had already tackled them to the ground.
Idiots. Ron is one of the nicest people ever, but just because he's a Duke. grow the fuck up.

'Homophobes are Just Mad cause They Can't Get Laid'

I skipped second with Kevin and Jo and we went to Tim Hortons. We all had lunch and Josh McGill ended up joining us. It was nice. Kevin once again supplyed me with the gift of life.

Besides when I went to lunch with them and a few other small times of the day, everyone around me who even slightly breathed around me annoyed me. Stop staring, I know what you're thinking. TEGAN STOP FUCKING TAKING TO ME YES I DO HATE YOU, YEAH I DON'T LIKE YOU VERY MUCH. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
I have th beginnings of a cold and my voice cracked and she looked at me, real snotty like and said:
;what the hell was that?'
Juts little things like that make me hate you.

I have a dead rose in my hand.

and facist cops yeah.
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[19 Jan 2004|10:36pm]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | coldplay-A Rush of Blood To The Head ]

I fucking love this song right now. Reminds me of my fucking missing-Wayne-ness.

Read more... )

Sometimes I feel very lonely in the world.

Today I ate:
french fries
frozen yogurt

msn-Leonardos Mona Lisa is just 1000 smears of paint Michelangelos David is just 1000000 hits of a hammer

I am going to ask ms Carlson if I am close to failing her class. I am quite afraid of the answer, cause I would shoot myself in the right breast to avoid having to do that class again.

but I am okay in the rest of my classes.

Mr Lockyer decided to talk about our nothing exam again today. He said for our thinking and inquiry section, we are to write an essay type deal on another student in the class and write about how they used entrepreneural skills in the class. Whoever is written about the most is named "Ent of the semester'. And you're not allowed to write about yourself.
I was talking to people in the class asking who they were going to write about. Most people said:
'oh Heather...or long as fucking Amanda Koopmans doesn't win'.
I am going to write about Mike O'Quinn becuase writing about Tegan would lead him to think I was too lazy to think about anyone else, and because he did more then just to things, or student council based things. The end, my essay is fucking done.

I am in charge of the 30 Hour Famine this year at the school, souly because I said in the student council meeting today:
'This council has been a bastard to any non-local charities for a long time, I want to do the 30 hour famine in PECI, I want us to do something for Stop Racism day.....I mean....c'mon'
and Mr Lockyer, looked at me, nodded and said:
'okay you can be in charge of all that'.


Semi-Formal is on Feb 13th, and the theme is 'A Night of Elegance'. I hate their crappy themes. That's not a theme, thats what semi-formal always is!! People dress up in overly priced shit fabric and pretend they are princess' then come drunk. And did you know that the school has to pay $360 to have two police officers be at the dance. Bullshit.
The price for semi-formal is $10 for a single in advance, $18 for a couple in advance. That includes food and a rose. Not too bad I guess, cause we are spending an amazing amount on those fucking roses.
Student Council was discussing the prices for Semi and Prom today and Lockyer looked at me first out of everyone in the room and asked how much I would pay for to go to prom. I told him I'm not going. Then I gave him my little speel on why I won't go. Then he told me that prom isn't aimed at people or genre like me.

Very right. I didn't want their stupid prom to be like me anyway.

I'm a genre.

I have an appointment for my very first ever PAP on the....29th at 9am. I am excited to the max. I wonder what she'll say.....

I watched American Idol tonight and they were showing the audtions from New York. It wasn't as good as the other audtion shows were. Those were normally the only episodes I watched.

I have Alysson's birthday present already haha. I love that. I saw her today for an extent of 2 minutes..I miss her terribly.

What are our team exam days? Friday and maybe weds, count me out....but Monday and Thursday will be efficient.

My record player isn't working. I think the wall that it is plugged into, has blown a....fuck what the hell is it called...blown a socket? That's not waht it's called....I'm so stupid...but yeah....thats what I think has happened. I'll investigate and tell you more in good time.

I had a dream that I flew to my dads house and I was supposed to wait there for a few days because Wayne was coming to meet my dad. Then when I got there, Autumn was putting up xmas decorations and she said Wayne couldn't come anymore because they had signed their house up for the Safe Haven program (where a mother can drop off their baby without any legal reprecautions).
I said 'no way' and flew back home.

I have dreams about flying all the time, I have a re-occuring airport now, it's the same plane and same pilot everytime.

I had another dream that I told Jo about but I cannot remember it now...dammit.

oh lord won't you buy me a night on the town.

I miss him. I hope you didn't bother reading the above.

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[18 Jan 2004|10:14pm]
Today I ate:
kit kat
root beer
candy cane

msn-sick and uninspired

So I guess Green Day broke up. Yeah, it's sad, they were a good band, no doubt, but they haven't put out an album in four years. Apparently they has new shit lined up, but now Green Day is no more. Do not quote me.

I didn't do anything today. I was getting dishes ready and mum called me cause she was having computer trouble as usual. I was with her for about 4 minutes then I came back into the kitchen. I was just at the door from the living room into the kitchen when I remembered I had left the tap on. The water was just starting to overflow everywhere.
Yeah, that was fun.

I watched Uptown Girls today, wasn't as good as it could have been.

When I got up I decided I would clean my room. I found this really old booklet from my grade 3/4 class. Everyone in the class was to write a story or poem and the teacher put them in a booklet for us all to keep. I read most of the stories and I have never laughed so hard ever. My 'story' was friggin classic and shows I haven't really changed much, genre wise.
I'll type out the story now, and won't change a word or grammar error.

Me as an Adult

I'm going to be a rock star. Tanya and I are going to make a lot, I mean a lot of money. We're going to live in a mansion together.
Our band is going to be called : ROCK YOUR HEART.
I'm going to sing and play the rock guiter. Tanya is going to sing with me and also play the guiter. Tina is going to play the drums and sing background. Amanda is going to play the bass. The bass is a kind of guiter.
We are going to play good music, have good husbands and very, very,very good lives. That is me as an adult!

Is that not the funniest thing EVER!!!!!!! The ``rock guitar`` jesus. I was the dumbest kid EVER!
Please keep in kind this was when I was in grade 3. But I still remember that whole plan in my head. hahahaha
Fuck that was a long time ago....Tanya and Amanda were my best friends.....good husbands hahahahahaha.

In reality me `` as an adult`` will be lving in whatever I can manage to afford, playing air guitar, with no friends. seriously hahaha.

This is almost as good. An acrosstic poem by Jesse Klie-Ricard called Safe Schools:


Lots of

Now he``s a fucking skinhead.

That was a fucking hilarous walk down memory lane.

At least I was honest and didn``t write some of the bullshit that the other kids wrote. 25% of the stories were just shorter versions of other stories. Like ``The Littles`` and ``The Grinch Who Hated Christmas``. We were all dumb kids.

Fuck I forgot to do that response thing for english. Fuck. Maybe I``ll do that in about 45 minutes. The assignment was to read a book and write 5 journals about how the book -characters, theme, language etc. Now we were to write a response to those 5 journals. It was due friday, I wasn``t there, was going to do it this weekend. Problem is I have no idea where those other 4-5 journals are that I actually did. Jesus, this semester is over, on Monday. I can handle it.

Fuck.....I think I have to go to the bank tomorrow. And GT.

I hardly ate dinner tonight becuase it had no taste and because mum ruined it, slightly.
``So why doesn``t Wayne, like, at least try to get a job``

She didn``t say it as if it annoyed her, she didn``t say it arrogantly, she just said it. Then she said:
``I mean I understand he has the band and stuff..but you know,,,it``s Wellington``

I didn``t know what the hell to say to her. It was a weird feeling because if she had used any other tone I would have hated herin that moment for being so inconsiderate, but she said it in an understanding, non-critical tone. I didn``t know what to do. I am not used to that with her.
I just explained to her that I can``t answer that for him and basically what I had said in my last entry or two, when I was describing how I hate when people are defined by their jobs.
I told her it doesn``t make him irrisponsible or whatever. I don``t have a job, fuck I probably won``t until the end of the year. I thought, growing up, that my mum wouldn``t be one o fhtose parents who needed a blessing or whatever for me, or be one of those parents who wondr if I``ll be ``provided for``. Maybe she``s not really...but thats just what I got from it cause she was so calm.

``I never said I was the heir to a fortune
I never claimed to have any looks
BUt these kind of things must be important
cause somebody ripped out my page in your telephone book
I want to warm her heart``
The White Stripes

I miss Wayne. Hopefully I``ll get to see him this week. I always figure something out rightÉ
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[17 Jan 2004|10:58pm]
[ music | sex pistols-EMI ]

Today I ate:
chips/cream cheese
egg nogg
cream soda

msn-3 condoms on a sidetable drawer

I was woken up this morning at 10am by mum. She says:
"Jo 'Henry' is on the Phone"

It's Jo inviting me to spend the day with Kevin and her, and we arrabge it so they would pick me up at 11.

So 11 comes around and it's only Jo. She says Kevin got himself stuck in the ditch thing in the front of my house. I go to the window, and he was fucking stuck. The tailpipe was completely submerged in the snow, and it looked as if the van was about to tip over. He refuses to come in the house after mum called Scott for help.
While Kevin is waiting this guy drove by and asked if Kevin needed help. So he goes back to his garage and gets ropes and shit. Another truck stops and they try to see if they'll be able to help. Scott shows up, and about 5 guys are trying to hook this van up. The Carrie, who I babysit for, pulls up in his truck and says:
'Well I have 4-wheel drive, I'll get him out'
So every guy in Consecon is on my street trying to get Kevin out. It was the best morning ever. I took pictures. I'll post them in good time, trust hahaha.
So they hook the van up to the truck and Carrie is pulling the van out at about 80km/h while Kevin is backing out at only 20km/h. All the guys are motioning at him to go faster or his bumper will be ripped off. It was so great.

But his brother Scott is not to know about this, nor are his parents, so hush, laugh to yourself.

So we finally get the van out, and everyone goes about their business. Jo brings my birthday present from October in and it is my long awaited record player. Guess what I have been listening to since I got home? Yes, Beatles and White Stripes vinyls.

At Kevins we watched Ferris Buller's Day Off and Donni Darko while eating chips and cream chesse and cookies I had baked earlier.
We spent the last hour of our time and watched porn. Then had a wild threesome. Kevin drove me home at 5, then proceeded to drop Jo and Sarah (younger sister) off, then he was to pick Scott up.

I was seriously lying about the threesome. Just testing you.

Came home and set up my record player and played my very first vinyl. It's so beautiful. I am very happy today. It was a good day indeed.

Mum and Jake came home from Belleville around six. We watched American Wedding and it wasn't that bad. I did laugh more then twice.

Mum was going to take me to see Cold Mountain tomorrow but it isn't playing in Belleville or Trenton. Well, it is playing at Empire Theatre in Belleville, but I guess mum just doesn't know where it is. argh.

Very good day overall though.

If I'm happy you're happy.

I hate plots of porn movies. fuck, it was dumb.

I am so in love. and my virginity is gone.

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[16 Jan 2004|11:40pm]
[ music | Bright Eyes-Something Vague ]

Today I ate:
coke, 2

msn-I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a guy who's still around the morning after

I had the most wonderful day today.

He makes me happy.
He loves me.
I love him.

I watched Freddy VS Jason tonight. I do not fucking suggest it. Don't bother. If you want to know the out come....

Read more... )

I dislike how people define others by their job. For Example, when I spoke to Justin those few times in December he said he likes working at Town and Country Video because he doesn't have to take the job home. When people ask what he does he says:
'I play music'
Then they repeat themselves and say:
'No whats your job?'
Why should your job define you?

Mum Jake Wayne Grandma and I were in the car going to the family xmas thing and Jake asked me what Wayne's job was and I said:
'He's a musician'
And mum burst out laughing. It's true. Thats what he does. That is what he's made for. Just because he doesn't wear a uniform or doesn't get paid minimum wage every two weeks doesn't mean he does not work. Because he does. He works hard for that band. Damn hard.

I like the british custom of not asking people what their job is. They consider it rude, it's like going up to someone you've never met and saying:
'How much money is in your bank account?'

It's just rude to ask. Ask what their favorite color is, then you'll see a bit into who they are, not what they may have to do to feed themselves and their own.

"And if you wanna make a run for it my love I'd cover you
and if you need money for bills my lover I could cover you
...I'll get more hours at my dad's shop,
yeah we'll plan for everything
...cause we're going old we're growing up
just like our parents before us
With your new job at the coffee shop
we're ready for anything"

I suggest everyone should see the movie If These Walls Could Talk 2. It's a beautiful movie. The first movie is great as well. Number one is about Abortion, the second is about Lesbians.

I realised tonight I do not see myself living very long. Not past 50 at the most. I think I'll die of a freak accident, or a blood vessel will burst in my brain (I cannot spell the actual name for when that happens, but I have lost two people to it already.)
I don't want to die before 50, trust.
But I can say honestly a big part of my teenage years have been a huge disappointment. They're almost gone. I have great friends, and great love. That's what I will take with me from these years that were supposed be the best. Youth is wasted on the wrong people.

'I need some meaning I can memorize'
-Bright Eyes

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[15 Jan 2004|10:54pm]
[ mood | cold ]

Today I ate:
Water, 9
pizza, for Lunch from Jo/Kevin
pizza, for dinner
cheese + crackers

msn-It takes all the "Whats the gimic?" " Where is it?", you've got..cause you know, god's the gimic

There is a Presidential Election this year, I believe. I have been counting it down, from time to time. I am scared to death that Bush will be re-elected. He has one thing to ride along in on his campaign.
"I sent a bunch of innocent young lives over to kill innocent foriegn lives...they found Saddam Hussien, but I'll take the credit for it. Oh yeah, and Please try to forget about Osama'

I was planning on going to Wayne's house today but through mix ups this morning I ended going to school. A lot of people have been flipping out about all these projects they have due all of a sudden. My classes really haven't been calmer all year. In ent we 'reviewed' this years work. It was 3 points long, then we had a presenatation about Franchises.
We are listening to peoples presentations in English until Tuesday I think. Jo, Kevin and Lee did their presentations today. I loved each of them. Jo read about Billie Holiday, and really did well explaining the hardships Billie went through. Kevin read about CS Lewis, who wrote The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe(sp). Lee did Elvis. It was great. He went about 5 minutes over the time lmit we had cause he's a great "rambler".
I spent half of 3rd making an excuse sheet for all the absents that will be on my report card for mum. That was fun, and strangely easy.
In 4th we watched a biography on the model Gia.

I don't really have anything due. My 3rd prd teacher is giving us our ISU's on Monday...and she said it will only take a half an hour. nice.

I painted my CCA for 3rd last night and this morning all the paint has chipped off in huge sheets. Everyone has suggested primer, but I don't have primer. Fucking dammit. Maybe I'll try acrlyic paint.

I am not nessicarily afraid of my report card when I get it. The presentation in English was worth 5% of our mark and I recieved 3+. That is keeping me at a passing mark. And all my other classes I hand everything in. I even do bonus shit in fashion. You should see the purse I made out of the Candy Cane Ice cream tub we had. I love it.

I have been extremly thristing the past few days. Just always thristing, I cannot drink enough. I would kill for a Tim Hortons coffee right now. But I would take water.

"When you poor my coffee say 'baby all the caffine causes bad dreams, where all your anxieties are unleashed'"

I need some sex.

I love John Lydon.

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[14 Jan 2004|12:13am]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | The Beatles-Dig A Pony ]

Today I ate:
tea, 3 or 4 or 9
kraft dinner
iced tea
mini ice cream sandwich

msn-Winter is going to end & I'm going to clean these veins again So close to dying, I can finally start living

I missed the bus today because while trying to get Jake and myself ready to get out the door, he decided to throw a 6 minute hissy fit over the damn straps on his snow pants. We missed the bus by about 45 seconds. Then we walked up the town hill (hahaha town hill) and half way to the highway to try and catch the bus when it passed that way. We missed the bus that route by about 62 seconds. We walked home...waved down two buses....neither of them travel to Wellington.
I was cranky, tired and cold by this point.

Finally got in the door, got back into my pj's and had a tea, 2 sugar no milk. I got some 'shut eye' for about an hour. I call it shut eye cause I didn't sleep, I was resting with my eyes closed.

Spent most of the afternoon online. At 1:30 I put on fishnet stocking, long johns, sluch pants from when I was about 13, then sweatpants over that. It looked like I had gained about 15 pounds in 3 minutes, just on my ass. It was hilarious...anyway the point of that layering is that I wanted to make a snowman with Jake. We got all ready, went outside and the snow was like powder. We were out side for about 20 minutes before we came back in because there was nothing to do. I did make a giant horrid snow angel. If you want to call it that. It was enlightening. I felt kind of free, lying there in this cold fluff that falls from the sky. It blew my mind...just thinking about it.
Monday morning at the bus stop, I was just standing, thinking and I looked at my coat sleeve, and there was perfect....fucking perfect snowflakes. Like in the cartoons...or the christmas cards....they were stars. The most beautiful thing I had seen. I was so happy in that moment. It was one of those small things that made me feel so humble. So submissive to fucking mother nature. She blows my mind. I am so grateful.

Mum came home from work and said she had to go to the clinic. She was sent there by her place of work. She has Tennis elbow. Any way, she went, and I stayed home with Jake. We played SEGA most of the time she was gone. I was on Oil Ocean level 1 on Sonic 2, when the phone rang. I just turned the game off cause I was pissed off at the game, and Jake had to get ready for bed anyway.
I pick up the phone and the girl says:
'hello this is Jen from Capital One calling, Darby there please?'
me-no she's not Is there a message?
girl-'Yes can you tell her that she has until tonight to call us back or we will take legal action'*CLICK*

So I am sitting there, just about to read my brother a story and I think that my family is going to be sued by a stupid credit card company. I was freaking out. When mum came home about 10 minutes later, I got upset and I told her about the phone call. She said I don't have to worry about that kind of stuff. She called them and told them not to leave a message like that witha nybody but her. She said:
'my kids don't have to worry about whatever threats you have to throw. And what if it wasn't my daughter, what if it was a babysitter? This is nobodies business but mine'

They apologised. It's not that big of a deal, but I was just worried.

I watched a movie tonight called:
'I want to Hold Your Hand'
which was about these 6 kids who drive from New Jeresy to New York City to see The Ed Sullivan show where the Beatles performed. It was made in 1978, but took place in 1964, obviously. They slipped up. One of the Characters is in an elevator with this old lady and the lady says:
'I have never seen such a vulgar scene blah blah... Girls screaming for these boys....and Helter Skelter'

Helter Skelter hadn't been written yet...or exposed to the public in 1964. ha. ha. I should get a cash reward.

This song reminds me hardcore of how I felt new years..and anytime I see Wayne...or have a great time with friends. And pictures that have no real theme, I'm just addicted to my new skill.

Read more... )

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[11 Jan 2004|10:55pm]
[ mood | chipper ]
[ music | vsngdkg ]

Today I ate:
kraft dinner
can of peas
candy cane

I slept on the living room floor with Jake last night because he asked me to very nicely. I wish I had no brother from my mum.

I made up a sheet of notes for my presentation tomorrow. The only good part will be the movie clip I swear. I can already tell I'll be in a nervous state, shaking voice and arms shit. Why the hell do I have that problem?

I am half way through Diary. Neil yelled at me yesterday about not having it finished yet, this was before I blocked him.

I couldnt find a picture of Frank Zappa.

not shamppoing my hair has been working out alright. I only bathe now. I haven't had a shower in a few weeks, but bathe every other day. It's just an experiment at the moment.

I haven't been to school in 4 days. Mst kids would love that. I hate school. I hate my home. School is my only guranteed escape from home. Home is my only guranteed escape from school. For serious, I'm going to shoot myself if I dont find a common ground.

My uncle Randy was at my aunt house last night helping my uncle dale with the addition they are building for my Grandma. He said his back hurt so he went inside to take something for it. He was up all night puking. He had accidently taken two morphine pills, cause he thought they were something else.
He drove himself to the hospital this morning, and he is addmitted to the Cobourg hospital having his glabladder removed.

I hate msn. I hate long distance phone charges. I hate any distance there is between consecon and wellington. I hate the snow or I'd be walking. Becasue by the time he woke up I'd probably be there. I feel so lonely. But I still love you with all of my being.

'This romance is bleeding'

I love you.

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