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Okay.
Problem.
Matt and I set up boundaries, kissing (lips) was off limits.
After our get together today, I texted him asking if we could try kissing next time, with a bunch of maybe's thrown in. He replied with a "Yes." like right away.
Now, I just got onto msn, asked him how he's doing and he replied that "everything was all fked up with him", I was all like "woah, what's wrong".
And this is what he said:
Matthew says:
things are a bit fked up for me right now
especially because of the text message you sent
Matthew says:
I asked for that boundary for a reason, and I was incredibly quick to disregard the boundary that was set in place for a purpose
Matthew says:
the fact that I didn't even pause to think about it tells me: I'm getting emotionally involved
Matthew says:
beyond that...
I don't know what to say,
I don't know what to think,
I don't know what to do,
more than anything though,
I don't know what I want.
Jessika says:
I'm so sorry.
Matthew says:
there's no reason that you should be
Jessika says:
Well if I hadn't brought it up then you wouldn't be fucked up.
Matthew says:
it's something I brought up first, in the past
Matthew says:
and it's not your question that troubles me
Matthew says:
it's my response
Matthew says:
does that make sense?
Jessika says:
Yes it does. I still feel bad for bringing it up, and causing this.
Matthew says:
you didn't cause this
Matthew says:
well... ok, that's not completely true
Jessika says:
Lol
Matthew says:
your personality caused this
Matthew says:
but your asking about kissing didn't cause this
Matthew says:
it brought it to light for me
Jessika says:
Can you explain that for me?
Matthew says:
your asking to kiss didn't make me emotionally involved
Matthew says:
your personality on the other hand, did
Matthew says:
so did you cause this? well yeah, by being really fun to be around
did your question this evening cause this? no
I'm incredibly confused now, I know that I would love more, but he's super confused. And I can't tell him my point of view because it might sway his thinking, but then again if I tell him how I feel and see things, after he's made a decision then I can look like a total fool and ruin our friendship, if he wants differently from what I want.
I have no idea what I'm doing. I am obviously not going to sleep tonight, like last night.
Crap. My fucking huge mouth has ruined yet another good thing in my life.
I love him, which sucks major ass right about now.
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