Joseph's Journal
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Thursday, February 26, 2004
3:17PM - Dogma
Today as i sat here doing my work i was thinking abotu the new passion of christ movie.....moving along that chain of thought i started to remember the movie dogma and then all of a sudden a song came on that went perfectly with one part of the movie.......it said what if one day you were told that god is your father, and that people would either love or hate you....and those that hated you would murder you. how long do you think it would take for you to cope with something liek that. the bible has no mention of jesus between the age of i think 14 and 32........so possibly it could have taken him up to 18 years to come to grips with who he was and what he was meant to do....anyway backl to what i was saying at that exact moment a song by stereomud came on the radio called i dont wanna be jesus. All of a sudden it struck me......these lyrics could totally have been what jesus was thinking when he first found out. i mean it is entirely possible that he went through denial or soemthing else. after all he was only human just like you and i. i have the lyrics following this so taht you can see what i mean. does any of this make sense or am i just babbling. let me know.
"Anything But Jesus"
I'm not your savior I'm as simple as a lost sheep
But you think I know everything
I'm just like you I'm trying to figure out this bullshit
So why ya looking up to me
I... don't want to hear
Don't want to hear the questions
I got no answers anyway
Say... see I don't know
See I don't know what you want
I never said I knew everything
I don't want to be I don't want to be jesus in your lost head
I don't want to be I don't want to be jesus your jesus I said
Anything, anything but jesus in your lost head
I don't want to be I don't want to be jesus your jesus I said
There's no mistakes there's only lessons I believe that
You've got to find out your own way
So don't you make me into someone that I can't be
That will never appeal to me
I... don't want to hear
Don't want to hear the questions
I got no answers anyway
Say... see I don't know
See I don't know what you want
I never said I knew everything
I don't want to be I don't want to be jesus in your lost head
I don't want to be I don't want to be jesus your jesus I said
Anything, anything but jesus in your lost head
I don't want to be I don't want to be jesus your jesus I said
Strike down on me when I don't have the answers
Don't strike out at me look for the answers
I don't want to be I don't want to be jesus in your lost head
I don't want to be I don't want to be jesus your jesus I said
Anything, anything but jesus in your lost head
I don't want to be I don't want to be jesus your jesus I said
I'm not your savior see I can't help you so why ya looking up to me!
Current mood: 
contemplative
Current music: I dont wanna be jesus - stereomud
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
7:17PM - Internal Torment
Well today i had court and it sucked cause it was also the worse storm that we have had all season. the wind was blowing like crazy and power went out all over the place. my stepdad wound up with only 3 years probation adn 45 days of work duty.....stupid plea bargain. anyway yeah it sucked. and to top it all off i missed work all day so now i have to work two 10 hour shifts in order to make up for it. Liz sent me another letter today. it shoudl arrive here tomorrow which is kick ass. we were going to spend the day chillin next weekend until i remembered that i was getting my wisdom teeth taken out on the 4th and i will be bed ridden for most of the weekend. so hopefully she has the weekend after next free so that way we can chill. hmmm lets see what else.....ohh yes. kristin contacted me. i was shocked to say the least considering the last time we talked she pretty much told me to f*** off and never talk to her again. she said it was all because her ex told her to say those things because he was intimidated by me. its strange but i believe her. regardless, things between me and her probably will never be the same again. just too much has happened that wounded me way to deeply. if anything it will take a long long long time before i am truly able to open up to her again. no matter how much i still love her...and thats the strange thing. because she was my first love i will always love her. I keep anskign myself all of these questions do i just move on or go back. do i go with my heart or my head...all kinds of strange things. i guess to make a long story short for now we are only friends.....i think thats all i will let her be at the moment. besides i dont want to ruin somethign that has been growing more and more over the past couple of months. all i can say is that i cant wait till it comes to fruitation. Ok i think i have come to a conclusion......i have to see what comes of liz and myself. i cant ignore my feeligns for her and if i didnt follow them i would kick myself over and over again, i just feel way to strongly for her and everytime i talk to her or read her letters or look at her pictures they just get stronger and stronger. ok time to end this serious topic with a little humor. in the words of pokemon "Princess i choose you!" hehe. now i just hope she choose me............
Current mood: 
geeky
Current music: Live Again - Sevendust
Sunday, February 22, 2004
7:50PM - Progress Revisited.
Ok at work i may not feel like im makign any progress but damn ill tell you right now......at home this weekend i kicked soem ass.... we are very nearly done layign all the tile.....just a few special pieces that we have to cut out. once that is doen then we will do the grout and then after that dries we will complete it by sealing the grout and silicone with a water sealent to make sure the water doesnt leak...were going terminator mode on this damn leak lol. so yeah in just over a week i should be able to take a shower in my bathroom again. Ohh i got a letter from Liz on friday.....i was like so excited and she included pics!!!!!!!!!!! hehe i sat her down adn wrote her a letter back but i have to wait until the morning to put it in the mailbox.....but she should recieve it by tuesday. i picked out three pics for her to have and i hope she likes them. normally i would describe them but she reads my blurty so i cant because i want them to be a surprise. ohh i hope she lieks them and i cant wait till we hang out because she wants to take me to go see the passion of christ. anyway i gotta go take a picture of the work that we have done in the bathroom because my aunt in georgia wants to see it. so ill end this by saying adios and that Airsoft guns are awesome! more on that later.
Current mood: 
excited
Current music: Echo - Trapt
Friday, February 20, 2004
3:04PM - Progress?!?
It feels like im making progress, but then you look at the whoile of things and it doesnt look like it. Im workign on the m's and im about halfway through but we have run out of space to put the boxes filled with all of the purged papers. anyway in other news my grandfather has finished putting all oif the spackle and stuff to fill in the gaps and stuff in the drywall........all we have to do is a little touch-up and then sand down everything to make it nice and smooth and we will be ready to lay the tile.....finally.....after the tile comes the grout then the sealant. then once thats completed we have to wait a minimum of 3 days before we can use it again although i dont want to have to go through this again anytime soon so to be on the safe side im saying that were not going to use it for a week. plus that will give me time to lay down the new linoleum that we found that matches the tile perfectly. anyway gotta get back to filing. have to kick things into high gear now that we know an exact date that we will be moviung into our new office. april 1st is coming awfully fast and ive got a lot to accomplish before it gets here. BACK TO THE GRINDSTONE!.
Current mood: 
busy
Current music: The Red - Chevelle
Thursday, February 19, 2004
3:12PM - Stupid Family
Well its finally happened.....my sister anbd i got a call today from the district attorneys office were being subpeona'd to appear in court to testify against my stepdad......with any luck ill be able to move back in with my mother in a matter of months which means ill have a room again! im tired of blwing up that stupid ass air matress. On the work front im finally done purging the L's. 1 more letter and ill be halfway through with purging. man when my aunt said it would take me months to clear up this mess she wasnt kidding. anyway break is about over so ima go. ill give a nice long update tomorrow.
Current mood: working
Current music: Hello Time Bomb - Matthew Good Band
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
10:24AM - Updates!!!!!!
Well its been a short while since ive updated. first off i would like to say that i hope everyone had a good valentines day. second i finally know when im going to get my wisdom teeth taken out. my appointment is thursday march 4th at 1030 am. my sister will finally be able to get her revenge and laugh at me. they said that the bottom one is the only 1 that is going to cause me any real pain. the top 2 they should pretty much be able to break and take out immediatly. the two that are impacted have small systs around them and he said that that was normal for impacted wisdom teeth, and that they will come out with the teeth. so yeah anyway im nervous plus if i didnt have insurance i would have to pay about 1300 bucks. as it is i have to pay 200 for my co-pay. man this next month im just loaded with dentist appointments. first wisdom teeth, then cavity fill, then finally, i am getting a crown put on a tooth that got screwed up when i got hit in the mouth by a swing at the age of 6. so anyway i gotta go but now everyone knows. gross isnt it lol. adios.
Current mood: 
hungry
Current music: Highway - Audioslave
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
8:26PM - Driving.....
Today on my lunch break i was driving. i swear people are friggin retarded. i got cut off like 3 times just driving 1 exit down on the freeway. so anyway that reminded me of this post that i read on a website back in september. I look up the post copied it and now its here for your viewing pleasure. This is so true.
Taken from www.wtfman.com:
Driving...
As most of you do NOT know, I was on vacation in Atlanta a couple weeks ago visiting our pal Rich. What does this have to do with anything? Well I live in columbus, OH, this means that I had to make a rather lengthy drive to get to Rich-land. Lemme just tell you people something, YOU ALL CANNOT FUCKING DRIVE!! Seriously what the fuck?? Did 98% of the population get their liscenses yesterday? I mean it's the little things like: merging, changing lanes properly, GOING SLOW IN THE FAST LANE YOU FUCKING FUCKS!!
Here is a little lesson. The left hand lane is the fast lane, this means that when you are going the speed limit you should NOT be in the left lane, EVER, NEVER EVER! Most importantly when you are getting onto the interstate, that little lane that you 'tards call the on-ramp, is in fact, actually called the acceleration lane. Guess what that means? That means you fucking ACCELERATE! You do NOT slow down when merging into oncoming traffic, you speed up! And please for the love of god do NOT merge directly into the fast lane!! What the fuck is this shit about? Seriously, I am doing 90 miles an hour and some fucking homosexual that is getting onto the highway pulls all the way over into the left hand lane going 45. ARE YOU PEOPLE TRYING TO KILL ME??
Oh and god forbid some sort of alternate weather comes around. Let's just say for instance it rains, I am pretty sure that all of the people on the road have a sudden and MASSIVE drop in IQ. My prediction is it's somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 points, as we all know this puts most people into the negative category. What is so hard about rain? Just because it is raining you do not slow down to 45, you do not turn on your hazard lights and leave them on for the duration of the storm, you do not get in my fucking way. Lets not even talk about snow...
Another little problem I have, is Mini-vans, SUVs or any other vehichle that a soccer mom would drive. Know this people, at the heart of EVERY traffic problem, is a mini-van. First of all, I have a sportscar, it is low to the ground, it is fast. Mini-vans go slow, and they impede my view because they are so fucking huge and gay. I hate mini-vans, SUVs are bad but they haven't quite reached mini-van status. A good rule of thumb when driving these abominations is never get out of the right hand lane. You will only cause people to die in freak mini-van related accidents or cause a serious case of road rage, which, in turn, will cause people to die anyway. Don't you mini-van fucks see that you're killing people??
The moral of this story is a good number of you should just stay indoors at all times and never even think about stepping foot into the drivers seat of a car. Also the world would be a much better place without mini-vans. That is all.
I swear if what i saw today is the best that our race can offer then it is a sad sad day for mankind.
Current mood: disappointed
Current music: Last Train Home - Lost Prophets
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
3:06PM - Alas poor thumb. i knew him pointer finger.......
my thumb is hurting......at the beginning of every month for abotu a week we have nothing but mail mail mail mail. it gets very frustrating and i hate it. today is day 4 of the mass of mail and i am finally catching up. but my poor thumb has paid the price......nce i have the mail all unfolded and opened and stamped i have to sort it out by state. to make this easier i have folders that i throw them in on a sliding rack. the only problem is that i have to stand up when i put them into the sliding rack. standing up for 8 hours is not a problem for me because i have never had an office job but standing in 1 spot for multiple hours is. anyway back to my thumb. when i stand there and sort out the mail i grab a handful in my left hand and hold it between my thumb and pointer finger as you would a book. after 4 hours my thumb feels like its going to fall off because of the wieght that it has been holding. anyway my break is just about over and i am determined to get this mail all sorted out before i go home tonight. then ima take a nap lol.
Current mood: 
determined
Current music: Dont Ask - Ok Go
Monday, February 9, 2004
10:21AM - Whoa....
Well i would have to say it was definatly a trip seeing my ex's big bro on the big screen. my sister and i rented the first movie that he starred in, its called Grind and its totally kick ass. hes a pretty good actor i never even knew lol. In other news. we have again switched from paneling in our shower back to tile. We picked out this tile that is octogonal with Cobalt Blue diamonds at the edges. Its going to look kick ass......only problem is that i have to wait for like another week until my grandfather is ready to start doing everything because being the man he is he has to sit and supervise me even though i dont need it. One good thign is that we got my sisters room back to normal and everythign so i dont have to worry about tripping over her crap anymore....definatly a plus. anyway i have an egg mcmuffin to finish and work to get back to so ill catch everyone later.
Current mood: accomplished
Current music: Hero of the Day - Metallica
Wednesday, February 4, 2004
10:08AM - Destruction!!!!!!!!
My grandpa finally tossed out the idea of using the tiles again. instead we are going to get fiberglass panaling. originally i only had to rip out one wall and i had to go easy because i had to make sure that i didnt break the tile or any pipes but with the other two walls i got to use my sledge! woot i smashed and bashed and it was a jolly good time lol. but man now our bathroom smells like dust and i hate going in there. we also need to replace the insulation in the wall because it was soaked and as we speak my grandparents are out special ordering the panneling to fit our exact specs. As for work i finally got some help with purging and filing. we have now purged through the I's and i think we are starting on the j's today. Most of the older stuff has been filed already (a-g) now im just waiting for them to get the j's done because once that is done i will be able to condense them enough that ill be able to get rid of some boxes. i know to everyone else that doesnt know what im doing it sounds like im babbling but ohh well....anyway break is over and i want to go get a soda so adios.
Current mood: 
flirty
Current music: Unreal - Ill Nino
Monday, February 2, 2004
10:22AM - Bathroom Trouble.
Well we have determined that the leak is coming from somewhere under our bathtub which means having to rip out the bathtub from the bathroom and that includes taking apart some of the wall with it. we ripped apart the wall yesterday adn that was a tough job in itself because my garndpa wanted to reuse the tiles so i had to very carefully take them off without the risk of breaking them. anyway i have a really shorty break today because this check run was worth over 20 million more than we normally pay out so i have at least 1000 more checks than normal and im falling behind. all work and no play makes joe a dull boy lol. more tomorrow.
Current mood: 
rushed
Current music: Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
Thursday, January 29, 2004
9:33PM - Almost there.....
Well its thursday night......its almost friday woohoo! friday means a boring meeting that takes up about an hour and then i get to wear casual clothes instead of my stuffy office clothes....ill be comfy woot!. Work sucked so much. we have a check run every week and normally thier not so bad......about 500 or so checks. my job is to record that i recieved them back from the ap specialists, tear off the check from the backup paperwork, stuff the check into an envelope, stamp the backup with the date i got it back so that way we know when the check was sent out and, finally put the checks into order by the first letter of the newspaper code. easy job but time consuming. anyway at the end of the month.....the last two check runs each have over 3000 checks. and i have to get the checks out ASAP. my aunt brought me a stack of about 1000 checks last night just as i was about to leave. i threw them into a drawer and started on them this morning.......5 hours into my shift the stack had been reduced by maybe 3 inches because people kept bringing me more and more checks. finally i got the last ones and by the time my shift ended i had about maybe 40 more checks to stuff into envelopes.......my arms hurt so bad. when i held out my hand it would shake uncontrolably. it sucked.....and i have to do it again next week. anyway. they still hurt soemwhat so im goign to wrap this up. at least tomorrow i get to be comfy while i alphabetize lol. ohh the simple joys of life................
Current mood: grateful
Current music: Hey Little Sister - Billy Idol
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
3:35PM - I've had Enough!
ok i have had enough. im done moping over kristin, im done letting her have an effect on me everytime i try to talk to her. i gave her all i could and if that wasnt good enough for her then forget it. let her have her new life but i can guarantee one day she is going to try and get into contact with me and im going to say rot in hell. i am sick and tired of her bs, her hypocrisy, her everything. This is it kristin. i loved you with all i had and obviously that wasnt enough so goodbye.
Current mood: pissed off
Current music: Unforgiven - Metallica
Monday, January 26, 2004
10:34AM - Someone different.
well todays blurty is about someone different. todays blurty is about my sister and her bad day that she had yesterday. ok well start from the beginning, when she woke up she stepped downb out of her bed walked over to her shelves and noticed that the carpet felt damp and she got to thinkign about it and she realized that it had felt that way to a lesser extent for the last couple of days. anyway we pulled out her dresser and everythign and we realized that our toilet was leaking under the floorboards so we had to fix the toilet then were pulling up the carpet to dry it out and then her brand new phone broke that she just got 2 days ago. on top of all that she got a fat crack in her windshield that she doesnt know how it got there. so we were sitting in the computer room talking and she goes can this day get any worse? she shouldnt have said that because then she went up to home depot and hit some guys car and he cussed her out. so yeah she had a horrible day yesterday and i had the most boring day yesterday.
Current mood: 
blank
Current music: Figured You Out - Nickelback
Friday, January 23, 2004
3:38PM - They come and go.
Ok now this is going to be a very personal entry for me because it hurts so much just to be able to write it. over the past six years i have known a girl named Kristin Vogel. she is the sister of mike vogel who stars in grind and the texas chainsaw massacre. anyway off and on for 6 years we have been a couple. she was the first girl i ever loved and i highly doubt that i will ever stop loving her. she will always have a special place in my heart and i will never ever forget her. we had a falling out back in september, and i havent talked to her since. from what i hear shes now married and pregnant (unreliable source) which hurts but i always got by by telling myself that as long as she was happy then i could live my life. for months this philosphy has worked for me and i could talk about her without any pain and i was starting to think that the feelings might have been dimmed by time and with it the pain. that is until last night. i dont know why but out of the blue i had a dream about her. now normally my dreams i cant remember much or if i do there a little fuzzy in the details but this dream was different. this dream was as clear as day and even almost 9 hours later i can still recall every single detial in it. it was a happy dream we were back together and we were again madly in love. we laughed we cried, we were just two young people enjoying our youth together without a care in the world. and for the first time in months i realized just how unhappy i have been. even when i thought i might havefound companionship with someone else i look back and i can honestly tell myself that i dont want anyone else. anyway when i woke up this morning i had this overwhelming feeling of depression and i just wanted to either walk out in fron tof traffic or just lie in my bed and not move ever again. eventally i forced myself out of bed andcame to work but i have had her on my mind all day and i just wish with all my heart that i could go back and change whatever i did that made her upset or at least to be able to go back and tell her how truly sorry about everything i was before we stopped talking. i would give anything to know if she ever thought about me. hell if she ever just stopped and smiled at me and continued on her way i think i would die happy right then and there. there are no words to describe how much i do love her. i used to think that feelings would come and go in time but i got an email today from a coworker and in thsi email it made a very good point. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but an entire life to forget them. i would like to dispute this fact. i would like to say that i dont think even a lifetime would be enough or at least that would be my hope. i just want to be back with her and happy again. but whatever i guess ill settle for less
Current mood: depressed
Current music: nothing
Thursday, January 22, 2004
10:10AM - Im now in a prison......
I am now in a prison of my own making.......im tired of having all of these bills so i am putting myself on a self - imposed restriction......saturday is my last day to be able to go out and party and say goodbye to all of my friends...after that i will be at home spending not a damn cent until either most or all of the bills are paid off.....its going to be tough because i hate being at home but i have to make sacrifices. at least ill still be able to get on the computer and be able to play my games and talk on the phone...........plus i can have my friends come over to my house instead of me going over there. so yeah. anyway just a quick update no wi must go back to work before i fall asleep.
Current mood: 
tired
Current music: I sail away - Alice in chains
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
3:11PM - Almost over.
ohh thank the lord the day is almost over. its been one of those days that just drag on and on. anywho i wanted to adress an issue. i have alot of friends that complian that i never mention them on my blurty so i guess ill go ahead and do that today, so now with you as my witness no one will be able to complain anymore. first i would like to say hio to liz......shes a crazy blonde (now red) who is a good friend. bec - shes a pretty petite who lives out in jersey and who is finally starting to think better of herself and learning to have more self respect im proud of you!. third theres mike and aaron - two crazy crazy guys who are my best friends. jake - crazy rocker jake who kinda looks like me but is so much more outgoing. kayleen - my first non blood little sister. amber g - my second non blood little sister. amber, ashley and jocelyn - three sisters who i went to high school with and recently got back into touch with...thier crazy and insane. crazy b a.k.a. brandon who works at bel air and then thiers lee who i actually havent seen since i went to boot. i suppose i better give him a call....ohh yeah for all of those who dont know. i was in the navy but they kicked me out. anywho my break is about over and i have to straighten up my area because we have some big wigs coming in tomorrow so ill update again tomorrow and i swear ill actually have a topic to address lol.
Current mood: 
anxious
Current music: Just like you - Three Days Grace
Monday, January 19, 2004
1:37AM - Mild Itch.
Have you ever had one of those itches in your ear that you just cannot seem to scratch? yeah i have on eof those right now and its bugging the crap out of me. anyway my throat it seems is slowly getting better. i just wish it would hurry up and be better so that way i dotn have to keep taking medication for it. My wisdom teeth are finally coming in and even thought i hate the dentist with a passion i suppose i better go to make sure that they are coming in straight. my mouth is kinda starting to hurt but that just might be because of the tenderness of the gums around those areas. anyway i have to take my grandfather to home depot tomorrow and then him and i are going out to roseville because we have to clear up a small matter with winco about a bill that i had already paid but they say they never got the payment....man o' man why did i have to throw away that reciept. its going to end up being a mistake thats going to cost me almost 300 bucks. anyway ima go to sleep now. gnight all.
Current mood: sore
Current music: Hey Pretty (Drive-By Remix) - Poe
Sunday, January 18, 2004
2:01AM - Life hits hard.
Man i remember being young and not having a care in the world. i may not be all that old but im old eough now to actually start feeling the pressure of what life can do to someone. Ive had people i knew and loved pass away. ive had people that ive seen get thier first boyfriend/girlfriend gettign married. ive had friends move away acros the country and i have felt what the rest of the world actions can do to my everyday life. I may be young but im learning how much life can change overnight and i think that this will be a good thing for me. i look forward to it with open arms.
Current mood: contemplative
Current music: William - Divit
Saturday, January 17, 2004
2:23AM - Its time to vent
ok its time to vent soem fucking anger. i am sick and tired of being walked all over by everyone.......i am sick and itred of being the nice guy, the one that everyone comes to when they have problems, the one that is always there for everyone.....why should i be when no one is ever there for me? why should i let people pour thier heart out to me when no one will let me pour mine out. sometimes im the one that needs advice, sometimes im the one that needs some help with my parents, or a significant other or shit like that....do you want to know why? because im the nice guy. i always have been and i always will be. its how i was raised and i wish i could say im sick of it but the trusth is i dont think i will ever be. i just wish i had someone to vent to once in awhile. i guess thats the whole reason that i have this entire journal in the first place. this is my little slice of the internet that i can just take all of my feelings and throw them out in the open. here i am pretty much open for anyoen to come by and comment or say soemthign hurtful but that doesnt bother me because i know that i can view it as constructive critisism or i can just take it to heart and say omg im such a loser. but even so soemtimes i need someone human to vent to. you know i try and try and try to bear all of this wieght that im carryign around and im just so sick of the burden i just want to sit down with someone....anyone, and i want it to be my turn for once. i want to be the one that someone says it will be alright or its ok to. i want to be the one that is the center of attention. i want to be the one sayign how fucked up my life is. but lets face it its not happeneing. i have many people that i can talk to but i have no one that i can really really talk to. the only one that i can hasnt returned any of my calls in like 4 days and i dotn know why. she called me earlier today twice while i was at work but when i got out and returned her call she didnt pick up......its a scary thought but i think she is trying to avoid me......seriously if she didnt want to talk or be my friend or anything like that anymore then all she would have to do is say joe listen i cant do this or somethign to that extent. let me know whats going on. dont leave me hanging out in the open sitting there like a friggin idiot. just come out and tell me. so in closeing i would just like to say that i am tired of being the nice guy yet i still will always be the nice guy. no matter what happens that will be me. and as for the other part. if anyone ever has anythign to say to me good or bad...just fuckin come out and say it and dont leave me in the dark because i can guarantee you that will always hurt more than being upfront. its 2;30am now and i didnt get much sleep last night from ebign sick so i guess ill stop ranting and goto bed now. gniht all and i hope you are having a better day than i am.
p.s. i know my spelling sucks but thats the way it is when i type fast and im to lazy to go back and fix it. DEAL WITH IT!
Current mood: enraged
Current music: Surfacing - Slipknot
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