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[12 Apr 2005|03:45pm] |
sago-gulaman
catching raindrops
love moves
wicker park
sweet smile
*naramdaman ko lng, hindi ko naintindihan*
Unexpectedly you came
Indifferent and clueless but you had the aura of complexity. I didn’t bother to recognize the beauty that was innate in you for it was just one of those senseless conversations for me. We were both minding our own pointless existence. As the witty exchange of words drew us together, it suddenly occurred to me that this was different. You were different. I instantly noticed how amazingly smart you were. That and more.
I was confused that’s why I just had to draw the line. I didn’t want to hold on to something that was not even there. You assured me that it was there, constantly hovering over my open palm. Somehow I just couldn’t grasp it. Maybe because I was just trying hard to get a grip of it for I feared that it might go away. I realized that I wasn’t letting it have a chance to calmly rest on my palm. I know you were just taking your time. You’ve been doing that from the start. You would never know how much I appreciated you for that. You were just probably as scared as I was. Not even half I bet, for now you have everything to lose.
half meant. half thinking.
half-demanding, half-pleading
It was not just an act. It was an emotion. It was everything we felt combined and locked together in a kiss, in our lips. It was love, trust, companionship, gratefulness, peace, relief, security, joy, and friendship, all in one kiss.
****
They say that the evening sky is a mistress, a very lonely mistress. Forever parted from his lover, the morning sky. In each passing day, they only meet twice, during sunrise and sunset. Their ill-fated love, marked by the transitionof day and night, night and day, bounded by some laws of universe, is brief and full of grief. In those fleeting seconds where they meet, where each exchanges sweet nothings to each other hastily, and embracing as much as they could, they give assurance that they will see each other in the next transition.
The sun, in his rise to his mighty throne, separates them brutally, forcefully at sunrise, leaving the mistress all alone in the darkness of her own misery. The regal moon separates them at sunset, with her pleadings that they must heed to the call of the cosmos, that they, the mistress and her lover, must serve their sentence faithfully, that their love must not and should not happen. And just like in sunrise, they part at sunset with bitterness painted in their faces. They understand well that their love was doomed, doomed to fail because it was forbidden. After eons and eons, this became their charade, their curse.
And this is our story, isn’t it? How ironically appropriate. We are separated by the people around us, by unexplainable circumstances and by our fate. We know that we have it, that spark that gives fire in our hearts, that unexplainable something, that we enjoy our company as much as we enjoy the memories we leave behind. But our union (if they call it love then let them be), was not meant to be. Not probably in this lifetime because we live different lives, have different fates, have different paths of glory, and have different destinies to fulfill.
Tragic isn’t it? We are held captive by our own fate. We are what our destiny is. We can not fight back and rage against our destiny because by doing so we are in a danger of losing our own humanity, our own sanity. I tried to fight back; I tried to break away from the shackles of my fate, to run away with you. But I could not, because I am already weak, tired, weary and hurting from the scars of my past. I'm reduced to an abominable specter, waiting for that time when we finally go with our separate ways. At least we have the memories to look back, memories to cherish for. We will utter our farewells with sobs; probably hug for the last time.
But before we pursue with our different paths, I will make that last attempt to alter my fate and let it intertwine with yours - if not in this lifetime then maybe in the next - because I am chained to my promise that I will destroy my destiny just to be with you. Because I know that our souls are linked by an unseen rope, pulling me wherever you go. Yep, somewhere down the road, we will meet again in that junction, at the crossroads of our lives. If we fail in this lifetime, I hope and wish that we will be better off in the after-life.
As I stare at the stars, consoling the mistress of the sky and watching the moon sitting in its majestic throne, I began to weep not only because of you, not only because of this ruckus, not only because I am missing you so much but mainly because I fear so much that maybe, just maybe, we will end up like them: living a tragic and miserable life, forever prisoners of their fate.
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>sa iyo, salamat....
***
Pero ngayong napapaisip ako, hindi lang naman kalungkutan ang dinala mo sa akin. Ang ganda rin pala ng pagkakaibigan natin. May mga araw na kapag magkasama tayo, tawa lang tayo ng tawa. Siguro weirdo talaga tayo pareho, magka-wavelength. May mga araw naman na sobrang seryoso ng usapan. Tungkol sa mga problema sa pamilya, mga prinsipyo sa buhay at mga pangarap na gusto nating abutin. Pero may mga araw rin na wala kang kakwenta-kwentang kausap. Yun yung mga beses na kahit tahimik lang, ok na para sa atin.
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chipper