Well it was really sad to leave home...and much more importantly Jim. However I was excited to get back to the people and atmosphere here...and being productive (contrary to popular belief I am productive here).
Classes have started and I have spent a lot of wasted time auditioning for things and making a fool of myself. I can't audition and its really sad. I've got a mental block from being able to audition well and its really hard to deal with. I'm trying to get better, its why I auditioned for a few extra things, and the last one went quite well. But then I still didn't make even call backs...I mean I didn't really want to be in it and I didn't have the time to devote to being in it...but it still would have been nice. How could I expect to make it though if I was put in the lowest choir? Anyway...its over with for now and hopefully Sherry can help me enough this year that I will be able to audition for things.
Classes are actually pretty good. I don't have that much homework yet...but then again I haven't had that many classes and haven't started working on any papers. I'm a little afraid that its going to get very tough but I am sure I'll survive.
The people here are awesome to be with. Its hard to concentrate on homework....but these people make me feel free....something I struggle with when I'm home. I constantly get into a depression at home where all I think about is wishing that I could just fly away or fall from somewhere really high just for the feeling of the freeness and fall. The people at home make me feel that way...I'm caught up in a predetermined set of actions that I can not stray out of or I feel I don't belong. Here I feel like I belong, like I can do whatever I want.....whenever I do anything random here, people just kinda laugh, its expected that I'll do something weird at some point in the day....either that or I am kinda quiet and they let me be. I'm not watching other people live when I'm here. I don't sit around watching things happen (or not happen, depends on how you look at it), watching people talk, watching people play the same games with the same people....when I'm at home I'd much rather spend all of my time with Jim and no one else ever. Here, spending time with Jim is great....but so is spending time with my friends.
So....I might try to start posting on a semi regular basis....
Heh...long time no post. There hasn't been that much to say. I mean, this summer went through with a lot of disapointments. One main one was how the theater turned out. I was told I'd probably be in the projection booth....definately not, its only managers in there. I was told that I could get 40 hours a week if I wanted.....another thing that didn't happen. It got so [athetic that I got a total of 9.75 hours for a week. That's not counting break which is unpaid and you MUST take or they try to shoot you. One of the two days I had I had to give to someone else because I couldn't work it and the other was quite pissy.
First..........I was forced to wait 15 minutes to clock in when I only had a 4.75 hour shift. So that brings it down to 4.5 which means legally I don't need a break.
Second..........I took a shift for someone else later that night, an hour after I got off was when that shift started. I did it cause I really needed the hours and they really needed off.
Third..........I was forved to take an HOUR BREAK meaning my shift got sent down to 3.5 hours.
Fourth............I was nice and let the person who only had a three hour shift take my last half hour so that they could work more and that I could have a nice length meal with JIm. Down to 3.
Fifth............I was then even sent home a half hour earlier so that is 2.5 hours.
So THEN I come back at 5:30 to work the usher shift. And I get there and the managers are like "Don't clock in." What??? Excuse ME??? I just spent 2 hours around New Lenox not going home because there wasn't time and now I'm being sent home????? WTF????? I mean serriously. By 5,:30 I had been gone from my house for over 6 hours for work and yet I only worked 2.5 hours of it? Not to mention the fact that I got my ass out of bed to go to work, I was going to go to church today but couldn't because I worked too soon, I had to spend the time ironing my shirt, I had to drive there and spend money out buying food because I was gone. So my profit was what?.....-$10 for wasting over 6 hours I don't think so....I got really upset and they sent someone else home instead......but I thought about it rationally a little later....I should have walked out and said "Fine, I'll go home, mail me my check cause I already spent more than what its worth on gas." So while I didn't do that and I should have.....about an hour later I quit. I stayed the rest of the night working and when they needed someone to clean the popper caiuse they're too stupid to train EVERYONE how to clean it and no one in concessions could, I stayed and cleaned it because I'm a fucking pansy and can't just tell my bosses to shove it where the sun don't shine.
Now I'm ending the summer with almost no money for next year and I am not trying to hold a job next year......that just won'r work. For the first time since I started babysitting, I am going to have to say I can't do something cause I don't have the money for it. I've never not had the money, my own earned money, to go out with friends to do something.
The other big disapointment wasmy voice teacher. He talked durring the first two lessons like I could be singing for various things by July or August or something.....but no. I mean, he wants me to get a heard shot and a demo cd....(like I have the money).......but he acted like he might get me singing for baseball games or weddings or something and yet there is nothing. Eventually the only thing he mentioned was making a demo.......which is what he is getting a lot of his students to do.
Yeah....that's gonna be all for now......I don't think I can sleep but I am getting tired.....
I'm in Music ED officially now!!!
I tried and I failed...now what?
Try again just to fail again?
There is nothing that will make me do just as well under pressure as I do without pressure.
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --
|Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...|
Never taken out of the packaging
Has yet to see self in mirror
The Pope is envious
Knows the other body type like a map
|Fucking Sick||96.5% |
|You are 81.07% pure|
Average Score: 72.7%
I'm in a weird mood right now....
Karla...best friend for a long time....only friend.....gave me bad self esteem....the reason why my friends in 1st grade stopped likeing me.....she went to a different school after first grade....I stayed and was with the people who once were my friends and now didn't like me..........
......years later.....she pissed me off every time I saw her....I couldn't talk to her or trust her.....she always made fun of me.....I was never happy around her.....
.....this year......I told her how I felt about her....I told her everything that pissed me off......I finally stopped being friends with someone who pissed me off......I read her journal now and laugh at her........I know she never really changed......She has more friends than she did seinor year, but she also hasn't pissed them off yet.....it happens like this a lot......you might think I am rude for saying this.....but she will make a new group of friends really easily.....but as soon as she decides they aren't cool or she is tired of them, she unknowingly pisses them off.....she looses their friendship and she blames them.......it will more than likely happen again.......I warned her against her ex boyfriend even though we weren't talking, I knew she couldn't handle him again.......she didn't think so an almost started dating him again.....then she broke down and decided against being friends........somewhat reciently I imed her saying I'd be there again if she wanted, we could try again at being friends, but things would be different, I'm nothing like i used to be......nothing happened with that, and I was glad about a week later that nothing did......she reciently posted that she "knows i read it" and all this crap....no shit you don't wanna be my friend anymore, I don't wanna be yours either.....she said to stop reading her journal and iming her and emailing her.....but i only read her journal....and since i emailed her my complaints about her, I have imed her twice, thats it..........she thinks i'm trying to be friends again with her......but I just read it cause its funny......every time I read it, I think about how everything she talks about is something that pissed me off, it makes me laugh cause I don't have to deal with it anymore
Lindsey.....good friend for a while.....eventually pissed me off TONS.....she is one of those people who goes with the "biggest thing".....she gets hooked onto the cool things so easily that it pisses me off.....she dosn't actually like anything of her own......she also has no clue about the people around her.....I still read her journal on occasion too.......if you look at all the years she has had one, you'd laugh.......of the average 5 entries, one will be about her family pissing her off, one will be about the latest cool thing, one will be about why everyone hates her, and then two will be about how much she needs to find herself and reinvent herself....occasionally she'll have a happy one
Why do I read about their lives and laugh? I'm not sure....its kinda erie though......I'm gonna try to stop it. I also every once and a while read my jackass ex boyfriend's profile.....its the kind of thing I really don't care how he is doing at all.....but yet I want to one day laugh in his face about how unhappy I was with him, make him realize all the things that he did to me, and then tell him how much better I am doing without him.....
I need to stop that too.....I think its sick that I do this.....
However.....these are the three people that I dropped at the beginning of the school year. These are the people who pissed me off the most. These are the people who it was a pain to talk to or see. These are the people that once I stopped talking to, I actually became happy......for the first time in my life I can honestly say I'm truely happy.
Years ago I thought about happiness.....I thought about how I defined happiness.....there was moment happy and truely happy......I had always been moment happy....once out of the moment, I went back to being depressed or just there..........
I finally reached happiness.....its not moment depression.....and its great.......more to come on this.....
You are the Goddess of Fire. You live with extreme
passion... Either with Sexuallity, creativity,
or just pure energy. You are most likly in peak
shape either menatly or physically or both. You
are one of the most Powerful of the Four
Other Fire Goddesses: Brigit, Freya, Hestia, Pele,
Which of the Four Elemental Goddesses are you?(With Pics)
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I'd just like to post how much I hate people. I hate their ignorance. I hate their stupidity. I hate their stubborness. I just plain hate people.
Cause its just so simple to explain why I don't believe in certain things.
Cause magically talking with one person can make me believe something I've been trying to understand.
Cause its so easy to just throw out half of who you are and half of what you believe.
Cause its just plain the right thing to do.
Cause its correct.
Cauce its how things are.
Cause I just haven't thought about it enough.
Cause I need another person to look at me and tell me that I'm just a fucking retard that dosn't understand.
Cause I really want another person questioning how I could possibly not believe.
Cause everything should be black and white.
CAUSE A FUCKING MOVIE WILL MAGICALLY MAKE ME BELIEVE!
No, it won't. Why? Because I know the story. I know the Passion. I know it backwards and forwards. I know what happens. I know they treated Jesus horribly. But inside I debate if Jesus was the son of God or if he was just a kind man who convinced himself into lunacy! SO ON THAT NOTE, WHY WOULD A MOVIE ABOUT JESUS MAGICALLY CHANGE MY MIND?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I BELIEVE. I DON'T KNOW IF I AM CHRISTIAN. I DON'T KNOW IF I BELIEVE IN HELL. I DON'T KNOW IF I BELIEVE IN HEAVEN. I DON'T KNOW IF I BELIEVE IN AN AFTERLIVE OR IN REINCARNATION. I DON'T KNOW ANY OF THIS AND IT WON'T CHANGE UNTIL I HAVE DECIDED.
DO NOT LOOK DOWN ON ME FOR WHAT I DO NOT KNOW. STOP THINKING THAT A CONVERSATION OF YOU TELLING ME WHAT I SHOULD BELIEVE BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IT AND KNOW IT TO BE TRUE IS GOING TO MAKE ME BELIEVE. IF IT WERE THAT SIMPLE, I WOULD NOT BE HERE RIGHT NOW, I WOULD BE BAWLING MY EYES OUT AND PREPARING TO GO TO STATIONS OF THE CROSS TOMORROW. STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO BELIEVE!!!!!
This past week has been an odd week.
I've cried twice and almost a third.
I've told people things very openly that few people know.
I have talked to someone more at one time than I talked with them the previous three years I had known who they were.
At the same time I want to become the good kid again, I want to burst out of what shell I have left.
Someone I didn't want back in my life, I invited giving an apology.
Its just been odd. I mean...not bad, not excellent, but odd. HOWEVER!!!! I got to see my James for 4 days in a row! Thats right people, four days. He came early friday morning, was there all saturday, all sunday, and left monday morning. I wish I could spend every day with him. I mean, its kinda good that we don't go to school together cause we would never leave eachothers sides, but I would love it if I could see him every day.
I do wish Gus was still alive, he was a great dog. Not well behaved, but a great pet. He died the friday night before I came back to school.
We are getting a new pug soon. This one will be a female, Daisy probably. I thought Abby would be a good name. My dad wants to breed pugs but he never got a mate when we had Gus, so I figure when I am older I will get a male pug and it will be my doggie and I will let my dad use it. And it WILL be MY dog.
Hmm....The Weirds never ever met. I'll have to talk to Josh about that....for those of you who don't know, The Weirds is a club that Josh, Rusty, and I are in. It was formed years ago. We are the only people in it. We are weirds. Not weird, weirds.... Its a story you will have to wait to hear.
OOOOOHHHHH.....so I have 42,3521,235 shiny things. And yes, I know that the comma is in the wrong spot and therefore I really have over 400 million shiny things when it looks like only 40 million shiny things, but thats ok....cause he never caught on that I have so many...... :D
YOU want a ShiNy thing, now don't you? Don't YOU???
So I need to be researching for a lot of papers and such. I need to be practicing more. I need to stop blowing off my theory work. I need to practice for barriers. There are so many things I need to do that I am not really doing...but I don't see how I can possibly do all of these. And its not like I spend all my time doing nothing. I mean, weekends I could be doing more. But generally I take a time to relax from stressing and then as soon as I relax I have to stress just as much as before. I mean, I could stop relaxing, but I would so completely break down if I didn't do that. I dunno...I'll manage. So what if I don't get straigh A's or close. That's ok....I never expected them. I just feel like I should be working harder than I am.
I wanna go home the weekened before break. I dunno if I can get a ride home though. I can't wait till break though. That's gonna be awesome. But its so short. I'll be doing homework all break probably. I mean, my teachers I could definately see assigning tons for break on top of all the research and writing papers I'll have to do. Plus I'll try to look for a job then for summer. I'll survive though. I mean, the real break is summer. Until summer I won't relax. And when summer comes around I dunno if I'll even relax then. I never seem to relax.
This summer...I WILL have a job...even if its burger king or something. I mean, some people would rather not work than work at fast food. But I can't afford to do that. I'd rather dress nice for a job and not worry about coming home smelling like shit. But if I have to, I'll do it. I want a job for all of summer. I need it. I am not gonna take a summer class like I thought I would. Its not worth it since I don't know what I'll need after next semester so the class could end up being a waste of time and money. I was gonna do a musical but I can never seem to figure out what Oak Lawn is doing, let alone when. And Lincoln Way Community Theater isn't going to do one this summer. However, I decided I want to concentrate on Jazz this summer. I want to take preferably hour long lessons this summer for only vocal jazz along with going to a camp or two for vocal jazz. I want to be in the jazz group next year, but the only way I could do that is if I improved and I need lessons for that since I don't even have enough time currently to study what I have for my lessons. So this summer, I'll be working and singing Jazz and seeing Jim and seeing other people a lot. Plus I'll still work at PV on occasion....heh...and people think that summer is a break. The only difference is that I am not doing homework. I like it though. I like being busy. I hate wasting time and I tend to get depressed when I have nothing to do.
Well this is really long...so I'm gonna go read.
I LOVE MY JAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
create your own personalized map of the USA
or write about it on the open travel guide
I haven't updated this in a really long time. I've been super busy. But it looks like JMS is gonna happen. And I passed barriers. And I love my James. And I finally got an A on a paper for critter. And its just all so good. And I have 6 classes left, a final, a 5 minute playing final, jurries, and a paper due. I mean....I do have 9 more homework assignments, but I have most of today, well sorta, and time saturday and sunday. I have to sing in Vespers all weekend, and that will be time consuming, but not too time consuming. I will have at least 4 hours of each day to do homework. Meaning after my one class today I will work on some homework. I really love my boyfriend, I miss him so much when I am here and he is home...but I go home in a little over a week for a whole month. And that will be awesome. I will need to practice a lot and I will work a lot too...but I will have so much free time....and I will SLEEP! It will be great, and I will actually be making money. I'm gonna go now....bye!
I am always trying to answer the same two questions....
why do people like me....seriously, why the hell would anyone like me?
why do people not like me....what is so wrong about me that people don't like?
Why the hell do I always come to those two questions? Both of them confuse me, neither of them will ever be answered, and no matter what I will ponder about whichever one I am on for hours without coming to any sort of a conclustion. I hate my mind, I am always analyzing one thing or another...why can't I just take something for what it is? Grr.....
Well...I am in Blackburn computer lab with my entire critter class. We are putting our collaborative paper together...again. Its not that bad. I'm not doing anything...so it is a bit annoying cause I can't really do all that much till later. This week sucked, but had a good end. So its all good. I love my James, he really is my strong hold. I would be pretty lost without him...I am gonna just go now cause I have other stuff I need to do.
I dream of a thousand things each night
Of deep red sunsets and beautiful lights
I thought of that last night as I was about to go to bed.
Sitting through a Haloween recital....I thought of Jim. Almost the entire time. I love him...I don't want to do anything that would hurt him and I am afraid I do. I wish my past would leave me. I don't want to know who I was or what I have done. I don't want to remember good times with bad people...but I do. And forgetting everything would make me loose the person I worked to be. But I did have so many good times with Jason... I did. I wished for a long time he would change. I wished that he would be just different enough that I wouldn't have to hurt him, because I knew I would end up hurting him eventually. I didn't want to hurt him, it still bothers me that I hurt him. It bothers me that I had to hurt him after having good times with him. The good times, for the most part, died though. But the good times I remember...they hurt. They make me think of all the damage I have done. They make me think of how capable I am at doing things. I see Jim, and I love him. We do things and I am happy. Things are so different, but there are these instances. These times where he does something I like...something that Jason did. I will be talking with Jim, and a look on his face, so alive, so content, so happy to be in the moment. It is the same look Jason would get at times. I love it when Jim looks like that, but then I will think of Jason looking like that. I know he was happy, and I know I took it away from him, it makes me sad, but I don't show it. I don't really miss Jason. I really don't. I wouldn't change a thing about how me and Jim are. But the memories...they are hard. And I am so happy....happier than I have ever been, and I know it is because of Jim...but I still have these tinstances where I could cry. Like tonight...when I was thinking about Jim...and all the good, and it is hard to be happy when I think about having caused someone else's unhappiness.....and it just leaves me in this state...where I don't know where I am. I want to cry because I don't know. I could smile...and tears will start to form...but I don't know if they are from happiness, saddness, a combination, or confusion. Just thoughts...so weird.....but I love my Jim....I will go now........
This weekend was SOOOOO awesome. I was home...I was with Jim every day. I love that boy to death. I was so happy. I saw so many people I missed. It was cool. I have been doing homework since I got back though...and am barely able to update this cause I have so much I should be doing now. But yeah...it was cool....
I wish I had time to just think about things...that would be awesome...I'll just have to space out in class tomorrow....
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