Dave's Blurty

Time:	8:44 pm.
Mood:	sad.
Music:	Halloween - Meg & Dia.

Why can't we take our own advice?

Why can't we see reason?

Why doesn't anything ever work out?

So I'm into the fourth week of feeling like crap. The only good thing to come out of all of this is I have had some awesome art ideas. Freakin' scary, but awesome ideas nonetheless.

And everything that has been getting me down...well, it doesn't seem to be getting better. The only reprieve I've had from it all is when I have been either playing video games, or reading a book. But even those are starting to stop working.

I tried getting wasted. All that did was make me really sick, even sadder, and the brunt of everyone's jokes.

I tried closing myself off to everything, like I used to be able to. But it's like there is a hole in my armour...things snake their way in.

I thought work would keep me distracted. But it's like everyone there can't see me. No-one asks for my help, my boss doesn't give me jobs, and I'm left in my office feeling like shit.

Fuck it, I'm starting the break.

I don't want to be broken.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:	11:03 am.
Mood:	crushed.
Music:	"Okay, I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't" - Brand New.

"I don't want to let you go
But it hurts my hands to hold the rope
I won't be such an easy mark
You're no better then they say

And all the candles on the cake
All set fire to the gate
Turn the cannons towards the boat
Men were drowning in the moat
It was the end of all rowers oars

If you call then I'm coming to get you
If you call then I'm coming, now
If you call then I'm coming to get you
You want to sink, so I'm gonna let you

All I want's some earth and seed
But only grow the things I need
But first I must find my way back
And you go lay down on the track

At first I had an even keel
But now I'm not sure what is real.
It's taken me this long to learn
That every dead is ate by worms
And once they're gone they don't return

If you call then I'm coming to get you
If you call then I'm coming, now
If you call then I'm coming to get you
You want to sink, so I'm gonna let you

I'm coming to get you
If you call then I'm coming to get you
If you call then I'm coming to get you
You want to sink, so I'm gonna let you
Then the fire snuck into your bedroom
Now I'm falling asleep to forget you

How darkly the dark hand met his end
He was withered and boney, exposed for a phoney
But we heed the last words that he penned
Haste to disgrace the traitor. Do not wait til later
I don't think that you've got to pretend
I see God in birds and Satan in long words
But I know what you need in a friend
So now when I leave you, I hope I won't see you

How darkly the dark hand met his end
He was withered and boney, exposed for a phoney
But we heed the last words that he penned
Haste to disgrace the traitor. Do not wait til later

If you call then I'm coming to get you
If you call then I'm coming, now
If you call then I'm coming to get you
You want to sink, so I'm gonna let you
Well, I'm coming to get you
If you call then I'm coming, now
If you call then I'm coming to get you
You want to sink, so I'm gonna let you
Then the fire snuck into your bedroom
Now I'm falling asleep to forget you"

Sink - Brand New

Last night was horrible.

I have been in a horrible mood for a solid 3 weeks now, and I have tried everything that I can come up on my own to drag myself out of it.

But anyways, last night I decided to watch The Aristocats, to try and cheer myself up. But instead of smiling, all I thought was "I want this to be over". The only part I enjoyed was the little baby kitten called Maree.

So I then decided to watch Juno. that usually cheers me up a little, mainly because of the music. But instead all I got remember from it are the most depressing 15 minutes of the movie (when Mark and Vanessa break up, Juno runs off crying etc etc) and the song So Nice, So Smart by Kimya Dawson.

So then I thought I'd watch The Corpse Bride. I figured maybe some Tim Burton magic would help. But oh no, I'd forgotten that that too was a love story, and it isn't overly uplifting for the majority of it. And I started to fall asleep (which is a rarity) part way through so I jumped into bed...and was instantly alert again.

So right now I'm thinking fuck this.

So I grab my laptop and fire up Iron Man: The Armoured Adventures. Probably the most harmless DVD I had in my bedroom. And I finally fell to sleep...at 2am. Then woke up at 4:30 and couldn't go back to sleep.

Oh yeah...the whole time this was all happening I was waiting for a few text messages. Something from Dixie, because she said she'd get back to me so I can talk to her, as she's been having a terrible week, (I figure dealing with everyone elses problems distract from my own.) and all I have gotten so far is "I have xyz on blah blah blah"

Esther had been bothered by not only Mark, but also Gareth. But it seems she has gotten over that, and I guess thats a good thing for her. Thinking about it, maybe "gotten over it" is a bit too blaise, maybe "is hiding it well by ignoring it" would be the more appropriate term. I can relate to that I guess.

And I just found out that Grace is still having her anxiety issues. I had hoped her getting out of town would have fixed all that...but, as with all my hopes as of the last 22-and-a-half-years, it seems to have been a false one.

I guess one bonus is I have finally accepted that I am not over Esther, and I don't think I can easily turn my feelings off as I used to be able to. Ain't that fucking dandy?

The worst part is she wants to help...but because of what she is going through with the other two, I don't want to tell her. What can she do anyway?

What can I do?

I have thought about it as analytically as I can, but for some screwed up reason I just struggle to accept that nothing is ever going to happen.

If only I was more of a sleaze. I could just go hook up with some random chick (if I had a chance, which previous experience says no) and use less savoury means to forget about her.

*sigh*

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:	7:33 pm.
Mood:	drained.
Music:	"Daisy" - Brand New.

And we sing this morning that wonderful and grand old message.
I don't know about you but I never get tired of it
Number 99: Just As I Am.

I'm a mountain that has been moved
I'm a river that is all dried up
I'm an ocean nothing floats on
I'm a sky that nothing wants to fly in
I'm a sun that doesn't burn hot
I'm a moon that never shows it's face
I'm a mouth that doesn't smile
I'm a word that no one ever wants to say...

I don't wanna be,
He wasn't finding anybody when he was on the shelf
I saw him in my dream

I'm a mountain that has been moved
I'm a fugitive that has no legs to run
I'm a preacher with no pulpit
Spewing a sermon that goes on and on...

Well if we take all these things and we bury them fast
And we'll pray that they turn into seeds, to roots and then grass
It'd be all right
It's all right
It'd be easier that way
Or if the sky opened up and started pouring rain
Like he knew it was time to start things over again
It'd be all right
It's all right,
It'd be easier that way

Well if we take all these things and we bury them fast
And we'll pray that they turn into seeds, to roots and then grass
It'd be all right
It's all right
It'd be easier that way
Or if the sky opened up and started pouring rain
Like he knew it was time to start things over again
It'd be all right
It's all right
It'd be easier that way

- "Daisy", Brand New

It wasn't until recently that I realized that depresion could actually be real. Not that I think I have it, but if I can be this down, I'm sure others can be further gone.

And whilst I might tell anyone who notices (all one of them) that I don't know what is causing it, the truth of the matter is I have a pretty good idea.

I guess the main issue is I'm starting to be more and more disillusioned with so many things in life. Things that I always used to hold dear to my heart. Parts of my morale makeup.

Things like marriages and relationships breaking up. I always knew it happens, but lately things have been getting closer and closer to home. Work collegues, my Aunt...and my parents.

Okay, so they aren't broken up yet, but deep down I'd wish they'd either do it or fix things up. They don't sleep in the same room, they barely talk, and they bopth whinge about each other to me.

I wish I could tell them how much it hurts me.

How much is messing with my head.

And seeing all of this, along with all of my failed relationships and rejections, it makes me wonder why the hell we even were made to have feelings. All they ever seem to do is set us up for pain.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	Last Week...
Time:	9:23 pm.
Mood:	crappy.
Music:	The theme song to Samurai Champloo...not cool.

So what has happened in the last week?

Well, to sum it up, it has felt like I'm getting closer and closer to...something. Kind of like water swirling closer and closer to an open drain. Hopeless. No way to stop it.

And I hate feeling helpless.

I feel helpless when Esther needs help. Mark is slowly tearing her apart, and short of me either destroying him emotionally or letting him do the same to her, I can't see a way out. And I don't like either option. I don't know him, or hate him. I do hate his methods and actions. I don't want to see Esther be torn apart.

I feel like I'm falling apart. I guess I can control my feelings for Esther, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to see her with other guys.

Fuck it.

"Tell me you can stay,
I get so lonely without you,
My feet won't leave the ground,
Can't stand to be away,
I get so lonely without you"

-'So Lonely', The Superjesus

"Fuck it all,
Fuck this world,
Fuck everything that you stand for.
Don't belong,
Don't exist,
Don't give a shit,
Don't ever judge me"

-'Surfacing', Slipknot

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:	4:03 pm.
Mood:	depressed.
Music:	All Time Low, meg & dia, Paramore.

It's like I can't trust myself anymore.

Contrary to what I might tell Esther, I know exactly what is "wrong" with me.

Yeah, I did tell her how I felt, and whilst she didn't react the way I thought she would, I can't say it was the reaction I would have liked. I honestly thought I would have been looking at a slap in the face, or a "leave me alone" Admittedly, that would have been selling her short, because part of me knew she is just to damn nice to do that to someone. I had a small glimmer of hope that she felt the same way.

I never expected her to say sorry. Hug me and apologise for making me feel that way.

And to be honest, that made me feel even worse.

But moving on.

I get this vibe that I'm being lied to. Okay, so maybe I'm not asking the right questions, but just because it is a part truth doesn't make it better. It is still a part lie. And that is worse than a blatant lie.

I asked Esther if there was something going on between her and Dustin. She said no, but there could be, if he was blah blah blah. Yeah, that hurt, but whatever. But what irks me is that I can just feel that there is something going on there.

Normally this would not phase me. I could usually see that she is interested in someone else, and just turn "it" off. There'd still be the pain, but at least the flame would be gone. It wouldn't spread.

But Dustin. Seriously?

Okay, he is a nice enough kid. But...he's not there for a relationship. He is there for another knotch on the belt. Another conquest. And I thought she could see that. Far out, she even said she wouldn't be another conquest for him. But fuck me, it is so obvious. He has done it before, he never really has had a serious girlfriend. Just someone to fuck.

It's not because Im jealous (I'm still a virgin for the love of God), it's because she is worth so much more than that. I'd give any of my limbs to make her truly happy. I can guarantee if Dustin thought she was involved with someone else he wouldn't even give her the time of day.

Fuck I hope I wrong about him. But history dictates I've never been wrong about this sorta stuff. Look at it: Tris/Nicole: soulmates. Liz/Adam : don't even talk to each other. I could write a fucking list, but to hell with it.

I just wish I didn't feel the way I did, and I wish she didn't know. Then at least I could tell her what I think without coming accross like some jealous tool.

Why is it always me? What did I do to deserve this?

Why can't I stop feeling? That way, there'd be no more hurt.

No more pain.

No more this

"I scraped my knees when I was praying
And found a demon in my safest haven, seems like
It's getting harder to believe in anything
Than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts
I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
Or turn it off in all my spite
In all my spite i'll turn it off

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall I will realize
I'm better off when I hit the bottom

The tragedy, it seems unending
I'm watching everyone I looked up to break and bending
We're taking shortcuts and false solutions
Just to come out the hero
Well I can see behind the curtain (I can see, yeah yeah)
The wheels are cranking, turning,
It's all wrong the way we're working
Towards a goal, that's nonexistent
It's nonexistent, but we just keep believing

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall I will realize
I'm better off when I hit the bottom

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
and turn it off in all my spite
in all my spite i'll turn it off
Just turn it off again

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall I will realize
I'm better off when I hit the bottom

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall I will realize
I'm better off when I hit the bottom"

"Turn It Off" - Paramore

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:	10:19 am.
Mood:	depressed.
Music:	"Make Up Smeared Eyes" - Automatic Loveletter.

First things first, I know this is going to be disjointed and all over the place, but because that's how I am right now, who really cares?

Damn I love the irony of asking that question. Who really does care anymore?

So ever since I've been home I have been a mess. Really. I've barely spoken to people (vocally, hell, last night I nearly broke down in tears just trying to thank Mum for dinner). I've been moping around the place (and I can tell people are noticing, even Mum and Dad are, but they don't know how to deal with me anymore).

I have been feeling physically ill. But I know that there is no real sickness causing it. Every time I've brushed my teeth I've nearly thrown up, and food just doesn't taste as good as it used to.

Last night Dad was cutting my hair, and the clippers caught and started to rip my hair out. Usually it hurts, and it did, but at that moment I actually understood why people cut themselves: The pain distracts from other hurts. (Not that I'd ever consider doing that to myself, I'm too chicken and I know someone would find out and then I'd cause more grief for others)

The only time I have ever felt this bad was when I had to visit Aunty Rea when she was in hospital. That day I actually walked out of work, ran to where I was staying and cried. I never cry.

Even when I broke up with Tara, or any of my girlfriends, never got me this worked up. Even saying goodbye to Dixie was easier.

I haven't cried over this yet. And I don't think I will. I'm hoping I have steeled myself better since then.

But then again, I thought I'd managed to lock myself up tight, and not let anyone get to me. The real me. But I was wrong. Really wrong.

And the worst part is I don't know how to deal with it. The only solution I can see is going to hurt more than this does, and I don't know that I can handle it.

The only bonus is today it doesn't seem to be as bad. It comes in waves, rather than being constant. Which makes it easier to be here, at work. Some people noticed something was up yesterday...last thing I need is HR whipping out their Employee Assistance Program. Fuck that.

"Left your t-shirt in my room,
Still smells of you.
And the picture you hung on the door lay smashed,
Picture perfect.
Explains now,
Clearly,
Nothing left,
But a memory.
We only made out,
You never kissed me,
That's how I learned to hold back all feeling.

Wait,
Please don't go,
I won't stay.
All these words on replay.
I'm ok,
It's alright,
Good to know that your fine.

Pretending everything is right,
To make it better.
I'll hide my make up smeared eyes,
To show that I tried.

Some how you have managed to get under my skin,
More than anyone ever did.
And if every hole makes a scar and every scar marks its place then I will never live freely without your trace.
And it'll never be fair,
I wrote my songs for you.
And you never even cared.
So Ill forget you,
I'll wash your t-shirt,
Kill the pillow and cut you out of pictures.

Wait,
Please don't go,
I won't stay.
All these words on replay.
I'm ok,
Its alright,
Good to know that your fine.

Pretending everything is right,
To make it better.
I'll hide my make up smeared eyes...

This drama sat shot gun,
My eyes rained like autumn,
Only the glove box knows,
How the story goes,

Now that this bandage is broken and,
The cuts left in open,
I'll tell you just one thing,
This wasn't worth the sting"

"Make Up Smeared Eyes" - Automatic Loveletter

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	Tomorrow
Time:	11:04 pm.
Mood:	scared.
Music:	My mix, so Eels, Automatic Loveletter, Emery & others thing.

Okay, so I thought I'd post what's on my mind. Crank up my lappy for some tunes, on comes 'The Answer' by Automatic Loveletter. To sum that song: 'The more you are with me, the more I am alone; I don't need the answer, I already know'.

Now I know my lappy rocks, but how did it know to play a song that I would want to listen to (yet not want to hear) AND a song that suits what I'm feeling right now.

*sigh*

Lately, I've been so horribly down it's not funny. People have started noticing. And people never notice my moods. So for even randoms to commenting on my 'sadness' it must be darn bad. And I've posted about this before, but it's like nothing I've experienced before. It's like feeling sick constantly. At work I'm so unmotivated I'm worried I could lose my job. At home all I do is walk in, put my stuff down and switch off to the rest of the world, play a video game or listen to music. The only time I even try to hide I'm down is when I'm around one of my mates, because he wouldn't know how to deal with it.

I was told last week to try and have a good weekend. And I did try. I bummed around, immersed myself in a video game to the point I lost all track of time, and I spent some time with a new acquaintance of mine. Admittedly, I caught up with her to try and get some perspective, and for an 18 year old girl she did well. But as well as I may have felt, it just seemed to be so very superficial.

And I hate superficial.

And that's what is causing the problem I think. I told 'girl a' I lied to her, which I did. I gave her all the clues to work it out for herself because I'm a freak who can't talk to people who I should. She didn't work it out, I finally worked up the courage to tell her what I'd done, and she didn't answer the phone. And then she hit a bad patch, which I couldn't help with. That made me feel like shit. Then she sorted it out and wanted to know again. And I want to tell her, but I'm afraid I could lose one of the best people I've ever met, all because of honesty.

So what is the problem? Well, I made her a mix of important songs to me, with notes and explanations. One of those songs was 'Theme For A Pretty Girl Who Makes You Believe That God Exists' by the Eels. And the notes said 'Do I believe inGod? No. Is there a girl out there who makes me feel there is a greater good out there? Yes.' Of course I was referring to her.

So we're on the way back from her birthday bash, which was an eight hour drive. We were discussing everything and anything. And then she asks me 'So, who is the girl that the song is about for you?' Now, if this had of been before her birthday do, or if I didn't go, I would have outright said it was her. But...I got hurt bad down there. I saw things I wish I didn't. And when I was there, amongst all the pain and confusion I reached out at random to one of my friends sisters. And she inadvertadely pulled me through. So I threw her name up.

Now, at the time, the song had lost all meaning to me. But I didn't say that to her because I didn't want to deal with any more pain. And I did try to see if I could make anything work with the other girl. But I was kidding myself.

So in a moment of silliness I told her I lied to her. And now she wants to know. And I want to tell her. But I know what will happen. I know that I can kiss my friendship woth her goodbye. It'll never be the same.

But at the same time, I don't think I can take much more of this hurt.

So...tomorrow I guess I'll just throw it out there. Kiss it all goodbye. C'est la vie.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:	11:03 pm.
Mood:	drained.
Music:	Paramore....

Three things:

1) Wednesday night, was, for me, awesome. Okay, it could hae been 50x better, but I'm rather content with what happened.

Why?

Well, to sum it up, swing sets.

I'd always wondered why a 17-nearly-18 year old girl found so much fun in swing sets. Apart from the novelty value.

Well, it just so happens she finds them calming. And strangely enough, I do to. Well, on some sort of level anyways.

Just swinging back and forth, staring into nothingness (or the night sky, in this case), trying to get higher...something about all that just makes you forget about everything else in the world. All the troubles and stresses...well, at least until you stop swinging anyways.

And maybe the company did help.

2) Simply, how do you make someone realise how super-freaking-awesome they are (in general, not just through one person's eyes) when they just can't see it? Slap them in the face with a giant fish and say "Wakey wakey sunshine?"

I really don't know.

3) Remember what I asked you, and what you answered:

Q: "Is it normal to have feelings for two people at once if you aren't involved with either of them?"

A: "Of course it is."

Why couldn't you just join the dots?

Why couldn't I just say you were the second person in the question?

"Maybe if my heart stops beating it wont hurt this much,
And never will I have to answer again to anyone

Please don't get me wrong
Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you

One day you'll get sick of saying that everythings alright,
And by then Im sure ill be pretending just like I am tonight

Please don't get me wrong
Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you

Let this go
Let this go

I'll never let this go
But I cant find the words to tell you
I dont want to be alone
But now I feel like I dont know you
And I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
That now I feel like I don't know you"

- "Never Let This Go" - Paramore

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades
Time:	4:00 pm.
Mood:	indescribable.
Music:	Brand New - Deja Extendu.

"Keep the noise low.
She doesn't wanna blow it.
Shaking head to toe
while your left hand does "the show me around."
Quickens your heartbeat.
It beats me straight into the ground.

You don't recover from a night like this.
A victim, still lying in bed, completely motionless.
A hand moves in the dark to a zipper.
Hear a boy bracing tight against sheets
barely whisper, "This is so messed up."

Upon arrival the guests had all stared.
Dripping wet and clearly depressed,
he'd headed straight for the stairs.
No longer cool, but a boy in a stitch,
unprepared for a life full of lies and failing relationships.

(Up the stairs: the station where
the act becomes the art of growing up.)

He keeps his hands low.
He doesn't wanna blow it.
He's wet from head to toe and
his eyes give her the up and the down.
His stomach turns and he thinks of throwing up.
But the body on the bed beckons forward
and he starts growing up.

The fever, the focus.
The reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself.
The tickle, the taste of...
It used to be the reason I breathed but now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.

She hits the lights.
This doesn't seem quite fair.
Despite everything he learned from his friends,
he doesn't feel so prepared.
She's breathing quiet and smooth.
He's gasping for air.
"This is the first and last time," he says.
She fakes a smile and presses her hips into his.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides.
He's holding back from telling her
exactly what it really feels like.

He is the lamb, she is the slaughter.
She's moving way too fast and all he wanted was to hold her.
Nothing that he tells her is really having an effect.
He whispers that he loves her,
but she's probably only looking for se-...

(Up the stairs: the station where
the act becomes the art of growing up.)

So much more than he could ever give.
A life free of lies and a meaningful relationship.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides.
He waits for it to end
and for the aching in his guts to subside.

The fever, the focus.
The reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself.
The tickle, the taste of...
It used to be the reason I breathed but now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.

Up the stairs: the station where
the act becomes the art of growing up.

The fever, the focus.
The reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself.
The tickle, the taste of...
It used to be the reason I breathed but now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself. "

"Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades" - Brand New

I now Christen you: Dave, the one who is always one step behind.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:	3:15 am.
Mood:	sore.
Music:	"Hush" - Automatic Love Letter, "Xavia" - The Submarines.

"This is as quiet as it gets
hush down now
go to sleep
we were once perfect me and you
will never leave this room

H H H Hush
you color my eyes red
your loves not live its dead
this letters written itself inside out again
when rivers turn to roads and lovers become trends

This is the calming before the storm
this absolution is always incomplete
its always bittersweet

H H H Hush
you color my eyes red
your loves not live its dead
this letters written itself inside out again
when rivers turn to roads and lovers become trends
H H H Hush this is where it ends

I wont make a sound so you don't wake
don't wake don't wake you don't wake you don't wake

Hush
you color my eyes red
your loves not live its dead
this letters written itself inside out again
when rivers turn to roads and lovers become trends
H H H Hush this is where it ends
you color my eyes red
your loves not live its dead
this letters written itself inside out again
when rivers turn to roads and lovers become trends
H H H Hush this is where it ends
This is where it ends"

"Hush" - Automatic Love Letter

I hate myself.

I do this to myself everytime. Get hung up on a girl, do something silly, then watch as the time I spend goes up in smoke before my eyes.

I guess the next step for me is to tell her how I feel. Possibly the best step, because it’d the closure step. Like slam the door in my face kind of closure.

The thing is, I’ve seen things that any normal guy would see as closure, things that not only hurt mentally but physically as well.

The worst part was as soon as I saw her the pain lifted.

Fuck me.

Fuck me for being such a loser.

Fuck her for making me feel the way I feel.

I should say something to her. But I know I won’t.

I’ve had three chances to say something to her, something truly me, but when push came to shove I just put up my stupid defences.

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

10 hours in the car, all for a new dose of pain, anguish and internal suffering.

I just wish…well, for something more.

Is that too much to ask?

"Your going away
And I'm feeling the same
Thing Day after Day
I can't let it go

Everyone in this room
They've got troubles too
Secret stories and
Lies that we never knew

Xavia, who will save us?
Your smile's on fire
And still my heart
Won't let you down, the sound

I don't wanna be
Your favorite enemy
Not when i can be loving you, alright
Why can't it be?
No two people feel
The same way at the same time

Xavia, who will save us?
Your smile's on fire
And still my heart
Won't let you down, the sound

Everyone in this room
They've got troubles too
Secret stories and
Lies that we never knew

Your going away(i don't wanna be)
And I'm feeling the same(your favorite enemy)
Thing Day after Day(i don't wanna be)
I can't let it go(your favorite enemy)

Xavia, who will save us?
Your smile's on fire
And still my heart
Won't let you down

Xavia, who will save us?
Your smile's on fire
And still my heart
Won't let you down

One heart to break, One heart
One heart to break, One heart
One heart to break, My heart
One heart to break, My heart"

"Xavia" - The Submarines

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Subject:	Early Hour Text Messages, the work of the Devil?
Time:	2:42 am.
Mood:	scared.
Music:	Paramore, on random and repeat....

For all of the relationships I’ve been in and have had ended on me, I’ve never experienced an all body…pain…quite like this.

And the best part is this, as far as I know, is just a friendship.

Just one stupid little “Have a good night ;-)”, no different to the many others beforehand, and a simple retort of “So pretty much sex then” and everything just, well stopped, for a moment, then the pain hit me.

My heart kinda went faster, but slower. My head spun and has been hurting for the last hour. My guts have been full of butterflies.

I didn’t even feel this when I got dumped via SMS.

So, should I…well, even react? My stupid immature guard came on instantly, played dumb then let it go. I can’t even recall what I said back.

Fuckfuckfuckfuck.

Does this mean that I was feeling more than just a simple crush?

Now the worst part is the waiting. I won’t see her till Thursday night, and I’ve got a 10 hour drive before that. And my car may not even make it.

Plus Thursday is her birthday. I really don’t want to ruin her birthday.

Fuck fuck fuckitty fuck. FUCK!!

WHY do I ALWAYS do this? Am I cursed to forever be in a limbo state?!?

So, do I text her tomorrow (because I just know she’d be asleep now dammit) or d I play dumb?

For someone that supposedly “Really understands women” I certainly can’t figure this shit out. Why can’t somebody just be up right now, just waiting to say “Dave, everything will work out fine”

Looks like tomorrow’s mission is set: Soul search.

Now, for a distraction…fucking impossible.

"Maybe if my heart stops beating
It won't hurt this much
And never will I have to answer
Again to anyone

Please don't get me wrong because...

I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you

One day you'll get sick of
Saying that everything's all right
And by then I'm sure I'll be
Pretending just like I am tonight

Please don't get me wrong because...

I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you

Let this go
Let this go

I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you

But I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
Yet now I feel like I don't know you"

"Never Let This Go" - Paramore

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Subject:	Wooden Nickels
Time:	9:46 am.
Mood:	stressed.
Music:	Eels - Daisies of the Galaxy (album).

I honestly am starting to lose my grip on things.

Well, maybe that’s not exactly the right statement. More of a slide, and into what, I do not know. Hell, I don't even know if I like where whatever this is, or could be, or whatever.

Lately, well, for quite some time, I've had someone on my mind. And I don't know if it's right, wrong or somewhere in that intangible middle ground.

I'll just deal with this morning, because that's what's got me mostly worked up. As I went to sleep, I thought of this person. I woke up, and the first thing on my mind? Person A (who I shall now bestow the name Sarah, which is not her name but it's what I'm going to roll with). As I went through my morning routine, Sarah was first and foremost on my thought list. Walked to work, thought of Sarah. I've been at work and my mind has had my mind, like an annoying bee, buzzing thoughts of Sarah through the back of my head.

And I don't know why.

Okay. She's smart. She loves music. She dresses how she wants, not how people want her to. She makes me laugh. She is interesting to listen to. She is insightful. She has awesome moments when she is so darn cute. She is upfront. She is one fine looking girl. Her family are even nice. She drinks Corona. I could go on for hours.

But that's not why I think about her.

Well, I don't know if I'm actually thinking of her, it's just, well, I have this feeling of...her? Like a perception, except nothing is perceived.

I hate been confused. Why can't things just be simple?

And tonight she is going out with an acquaintance of mine, which I normally wouldn't give a hoot about. But because this guy has tried manipulating her and one of my best girlfriends before, it doesn't sit well with me. Or with her, and she wants to front during the night, but under what pretence? I haven't been invited to this shindig, and I dunno if me turning up will make things better for her. And I get the vibe that if I do turn up, I will be violating an undefined trust between me and the acquaintance in question.

What to do. Stupid brain, think!

On hopefully unrelated news, I feel like my insides need to head on the outside of my body. Not something I need while I'm at work. Speaking of which, is going splendidly horrible, which is becoming the depressing norm as of late.

Come on holidays, I need you.

"We tried so hard to understand
But we can't
We held the world out in our hands
And you ran away

It takes some time to let you go
And it shows
'Cause all we know is falling; it falls
Remember, 'cause I know that we won't forget at all

Now we can follow you back home
But we won't
Is this what you had waited for
Just to be alone

It takes some time to let you go
And it shows
'Cause all we know is falling; it falls
Remember, 'cause I know that we won't forget at all

You never
You never said
This wasn't what you wanted
Was it
Was it

This isn't what you wanted
This isn't what you wanted
'Cause all we know
Is falling; it falls
Remember how, 'cause I know that we won't
Forget it all"

- All We Know, by Paramore

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