Nameless Face

1:03pm: I WANT SEX
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*Pauses to take a deep breath*
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

God I need fucked so badly >.<. Ever feel like you've got a monster roaring and screaming inside you, begging to get out? If not, let me introduce you to the deprived rantings of a nymphomaniac.
I want sex so bad it hurts.
I don't like my body because I look skelatal but I don't care.
If I wanted sex I could get it.
I want sex horribly but can't make my heart shut up.
She's having sex with him.
I'm not stupid.
They probably had sex yesterday.
Why can't I analyze that until I can be okay with fucking someone for physical relief!
All the while my body is begging and pleeding with me.
My heart says no.
She's dating another guy.
And still.
My heart says -no-.
She's still talking to me thou.
Considering working things out.
I might get my heart broken.
My heart still won't accept anything but her.
Last chick I slept with...
I was attracted to her cause she looked like Mel.
She had her eyes.
Her skin tone.
Her passion for dancing.
Her legs.
Her body size.
Her body shape.
Her facial shape.
Her neck.
Her hands.
Her feminine shoulders.
Damn it she...
*sighs* She looked like Melody, with fuller lips, shorter, and longer hair.

My heart doesn't care. I felt guilty as hell afterward. I felt dirty. Disgusting. And ashamed. Yet physically...
I'm agressive by nature.
I've always been sexually agressive.
I want to grab a female.
Rip her clothing off, and mine.
Shove her up against the wall.
Pull her around my hips.
Pin her hands above her head by holding her wrists with one hand.
Pull her hair with my free hand until her neck is leaned back and exposed.
Pin her on the wall with my body until she's rendered helpless and can't do anything but take it.
The shove as deep and hard as I can inside her until she screams in delight.
Animalistically fuck her until she's lost her voice from screaming.
All the while I'm biting all over her body.
Scratching down her sides with my free hand
Growling at her predatorily.
And saying ahem, explicit things to her.
And more or less informing her for right then...
She's my sexual -bitch-.
She will not get control.
And if she is smart, will not challenge me.

It gets more detailed and theres a lot more like chaining her down to the bed. Throwing her over the back of the couch and nailing her from behind. My physical side is roaring like a blazing inferno waiting to be released on some poor woman... I -need- it.
But yet still.
My heart says no.
Ugh. It's frustrating. My heart and my body are battling and my heart is winning hands down. I guess I love her too much to let my body win and use it as an excuse to run. I guess I love her too much to touch another woman, and not fantasize it's her. *Sighs*
The following side is for my agressive side.
Nine Inch Nails - "Closer"
You let me violate you
You let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you
You let me complicate you
Help me I broke apart my insides
Help me I’ve got no soul to sell
Help me the only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself

I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to god

You can have my isolation
You can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith
You can have my everything
Help me tear down my reason
Help me its' your sex I can smell
Help me you make me perfect
Help me become somebody else

I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to god

Through every forest
Above the trees
Within my stomach,
Scraped off my knees
I drink the honey inside your hive
You are the reason I stay alive

I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to god



Sexually frustrated and Madly in love,
~Jay~

8:47pm: EMPTY YOUR EMAIL ACCOUNT!!!! ASAP
"Recipient could not recieve message. Their box was too full." That wasn't my fault. That was yours. Damn. Empty your box all the way out I'll be here at 1 tomorrow to resend the fucker. God damn it you will get that picture. EMPTY YOUR BOX! *Kicks her box* Fuck. What do I gotta do to get through to you. EMPTY YOUR BOX.
Love,
Jay

3:58pm: Sick
Had the flu the past couple days, it's really sucked. I talked to Melody a couple days ago... I think I explained to her how I really felt, but Im not suppose to call her til Sunday cause she says she 'needs time to think'. I also talked to my ex before Melody. Saw the kids and told her how I felt about everything. I know it hurt her but I can't lie to her. I did love her and I always will in some ways for saving me from me, and helping me get my life back after Kass' death, but I can't keep doing this whole thing between us. Like her making me tell her I love her. Yes I do and she knows I wont lie about it but I feel like me being forced to admit it because she knows my hang ups on not saying it back if you mean it, is wrong. Why make it hurt more than it has to, and in the end, since I have no intention of -ever- going back to her, wont it just be harder on the kids? Yeah I want them to understand when they were concieved I loved their mother and a part of me always will and I will always love and respect her as the mother of my children, but I dont want them thinking someday we'll be together again. It wont happen. I miss Melody. Yeah our relationship was tough, and hell, what relationship isnt? Ours unfortunately had a very very rocky start. My ex caused us some grieviances and so did some other people. But the point is I love Melody. I find myself laying awake at night, wondering what she's doing.My cynical side wonders why I even bother with relationships anymore because everytime I start to open up, it ends up getting me hurt. And other parts of me wonder what it is about me that makes people love me, but not enough to stay with me, just long enough to know love exsists. And then theres the part of me that says "Idiot. Teach them what love is and they love someone else". That always happens to me, and it sucks. I keep hoping and begging the gods I wont get hurt this time but I can almost resign myself to being broken hearted, I can just feel it comming. I love Melody and I want to be with her but if she doesnt want to be with me, I wont make her. I cant make her be with me but if she doesnt want to be with me then I dont want her to be with me. I want her to be happy. Another thing she doesnt understand is why I said if we split I dont want to be friends. Like I said I will always be there for her if she needs me but I wont bother her. She doesnt seem to understand if I -dont- seperate myself from her afterward, everytime shes with someone else it's going to rip me apart and Im already so worn out and beat down by life that I just cant do that to myself I cant sit there everytime and feel my heart break everytime and keep acting like it doesnt kill me. My mind and emotions just cant take it. I think if we end up splitting, I'm done with women for a long long time. Im so tired of being hurt all the time that it nearly seems pointless for me to try again. Whats so wrong and so bad about me that when I do finally start opening up they disappear. In the past Ive spent my time teaching people what love is and showing them what it is and didnt get hurt because I didnt open up. As usual they went to someone else and then it was fine but both times Ive cared and loved someone and taught them what it was, it got me hurt and it is this time too. It done me that way with Amber, with Ell and now it's doing it again. I wish I could just, I dont know, be the one to win for once and not get hurt but it probably wont happen at least on the plus side they know love exsists now. Heh. Yeah Im happy about that but part of me hates being the one they learned on because I was stupid enough to start falling and now they learned and they're gone. Amber hurt me so badly, Ell did too. And Melody... She has in a lot of ways but I love her and want to be with her, but like the last 2 times, I again, most likely wont win.

10:22am: A song.
Trapt - "Headstrong"
Circling your head, contemplating everything you ever said
Now I see the truth, I got doubt
A different motive in your eyes and now I’m out
See you later
I see your fantasy, You want to make it a reality paved in gold
See inside, Inside of our heads (yeah) Well now that’s over
I see your motives inside, decisions to hide

Back off I’ll take you on
Headstrong I'll take on anyone
I know that you are wrong
Headstrong we’re Headstrong
Back off I’ll take you on
Headstrong I'll take on anyone
I know that you are wrong and this is not where you belong
I can’t give everything away
I won’t give everything away

Conclusions manifest, your first impressions got to be your very best
I see you’re full of shit, and that’s all right
That’s how you play, I guess you’ll get through every night
Well now that’s over
I see your fantasy, you want to make it a reality paved in gold
See inside, inside of our heads (yeah) Well now that’s over
I see your motives inside, decisions to hide

Back off I’ll take you on
Headstrong I'll take on anyone
I know that you are wrong
Headstrong we’re Headstrong
Back off I’ll take you on
Headstrong I'll take on anyone
I know that you are wrong and this is not where you belong
I can’t give everything away
I won’t give everything away

I know, I know all about
I know, I know all about
I know, I know all about
I know, I know all about your motives inside, and your decision to hide

Back off I’ll take you on
Headstrong I'll take on anyone
I know that you are wrong
Headstrong we’re Headstrong
Back off I’ll take you on
Headstrong I'll take on anyone
I know that you are wrong and this is not where you belong
I can’t give everything away
I won’t give everything away


Trace says this song describes me with Stacie and the chorus of it "Back off I'll take you on..." describes me in every aspect of my life, especially my strong will and stubborness.

2:20pm: Lost...
I laid awake last night, I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t do anything but lay there and ache terribly inside. I don’t seem to be able to shake everything inside down in my little bottle. It's almost like the glass is cracked. I just… I don’t know. There’s a line from a song that fits it perfectly. "I look in the mirror and all I see is a young old man with only a dream. Am I just fooling myself... that she'll stop the pain ...living without her I go insane" *Curls within himself* I don’t know if I’m up down or whatever. I'm just numb, on some levels, then on others, I’m hurting so bad I wish I couldn’t feel. Why every time when I finally allow myself to care, deeply do I get my heart ripped out? Why? I don’t understand it. *Shrugs* She still wants to be friends. She asked me back out last night. I said no. Why? Because she claimed to be always miserable with me, yet now she's miserable without me. It's a no win situation. Why cant see just see me as a toy and go on. She did every other man. *Glances out at the rain and holds his breath* I can remember when I was little, my mom use to tell me that the rain were the angels crying. And that the thunder was the sobs… and lightening, that was the heavens way of releasing pain. She said it's how the things of life deal then renew it's self. She said that after the heavens had cried it brought forth new life to the planet. Maybe there was wisdom in that that I myself do not possess. I think that was her way of saying that a tear is like a raindrop. They fall but when all is said and done you are renewed, inside. Some of the pain is released. Why am I 22 and just now getting that? Probably because rain always makes me think. I don’t cry much but unfortunately I have to admit while I was laying alone last night in bed I did shed one singular solitary tear for Melody. Am I saying I'm healed? No. I just can’t believe I let my guard down that much. Part of me is ashamed of myself for hurting so badly that it slipped away from me and part of me wonders when the fuck do I get to be human? There’s so much going on in my head that I simply cannot think straight. *Coils up quietly* Damn I have got to snap out of this and paint on a smile *Sings forcibly even if its a song on the fucking radio*…Like a movie scene you’re the sweetest dream I have pictured us together, now to feel your lips upon my finger tips I have to say it's even better than I ever thought it could possibly be it's perfect it's passion it's setting me free. From all of my sadness the tears that I've cried I have spent all my life waiting for tonight… *Stops* Ugh. I can’t do it. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME! JUSTIN RANDALL STRAIGHTEN UP STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT SHUT THE FUCK UP SMILE AND FUCKING DEAL WITH IT! THIS IS JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE! STOP STOP STOP! YOU CAN BE FUCKING COLD! DO IT. STOP FUCKING TRYING TO DEAL WITH IT AS IF YOU HAVE RIGHT TO HURT JUST SHUT UP LOCK IT IN AND STOP IT! *Screams at himself* Someone’s got to scream at me it might as well be me. I can do this. I can be cold. I will. I'm not going to hurt. I will not feel. That’s what got me in this god damned catastrophe in the first place. Caring. Feeling. I’m done.
~Fleeting Sanity~

7:04pm: Melody.
Hm. Where to begin. Well we split for the final time last night. She says she did it for me. Ive told her a thousand times, you did it for you, not me cause you cant get in my mind and make me do one thing or another therfore it was done for you. She says she did it to make me hate her. I dont hate her at all. Granted she hurt me so badly I feel like an idiot for ever caring about anyone again yet I cant stop myself. I dont want to care about anyone but my kids. No one. So what now? Eternally hurt? Yeah. Every time I think about telling her I love her or that I want to work it out remind myself that I am an idiot? Yes. What else can I do? It's obvious she doesnt want me. I just wish she wouldnt have yo-yoed me for so long and made me believe it was alright to have feelings toward someone romantically, when in reality it isnt. I had them for Kass and thats all I ever needed them for. I was a complete fool to believe I could have them toward anyone else and it be okay. Goddess why am I such a moron? I'm hurt more than any written spoken or textual word can describe. I feel like I've been gutted. She kept screaming at me last night to set her free I told her I couldnt make up her mind for her. I guess she's free. All I can do is crawl back in my shell, learn from my lesson and never come back out again. I tried so hard to open up and I was doing so well. I was so proud of myself. I was scared but still talking, and all for nothing. God Im such a loser. What did Kass ever see in me? *Shakes his head* Nonetheless I hope she has what she wanted. Freedom. Guess Im stupid enough to have to be hurt like this repeatedly to finally understand Im not meant to be out of my shell. And to learn that Im not good enough for anyone. *Slithers back to the shadows, where he should be*

2:01pm: Survey.
Full Name? Justin. That's all you need to know.

Birthdate? January 31st.

Current Age? 22

Astrological Sign? Aqarius

Nickname(s)? Jay, Jazz, Adonis, Jujubee, Curly, Bounce, Butta, JJ, Juju, Tricks, Slick, too many to go into.

Chat Screen Name(s)? Why would I want to disclose this here? Let's just say I have a lot of them.

Hair Color(s)? Medium to Dark super curly brown. We're talkin natural jerri-curl curly. It's scary.

Eye Color? Blue. Dark blue nearly black when aroused and sometimes a really bright icy blue with a hint of green around the edges if Im so mad that im going to hurt something.

Weight? Pft. Im not fat, Im too skinny as is and Im working on the whole body fat thing damn it. I've got 2 and a half percent now!

Height? 6'4 and 3 quarters.

Pets Name(s)? Dog: Croc. Cats: Cleopatra and Calypso

HOW MANY

Pets:19 cats in total though all of em are outside cats that wander around my house in Tennessee except 8 of them and they are inside cats, and big babies. I have 2 dogs, and the boys have a collection of other animals. Lizards, toads, turtles, squirrels, you name it.

Siblings? 4. Ashley, Jayson, Jaqsien and Jonathan. Im the oldest.

Piercing? 6 in the Ears, 3 in each. And tongue.

Tattoos? 11 and getting another one.

Pairs of Shoes? Shoe's are my obsession so I dare not admit to how many pairs I have.

WHAT ARE YOU

Wearing? Red Ohio State University rip aways that have to black side stripes on each leg and a grey stripe groing between the 2 black ones. No socks. A bracket that Mom got me a few christmas' ago. my wedding band on my wedding finger from mine and Kass' wedding because I was missing her horribly last night but wouldnt say anything. Closer it gets more it hurts. And a long sleeved thin black turtle neck.

Eating? Just sent for Taco bell.

Drinking? Nothing.

Doing? Sitting here listening to Feilds of Innocence by Evanescence and trying to bottle everything Im feeling inside.

Thinking? We wont go there.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE

Food? Spaghetti, or Shrimp Fetticuni alfredo I never can decide between the two.

Color? Blue.

Fruit? Kiwi's or Black Cherries. Hard to decide.

Vegetable? Celery.

Animal? Cats.

Car? My Mercedes Benz I got when I was like 17. Love that fuckin thing.

NAME A PERSON FOR EACH CATEGORY

Best Friend: Hands down, Trace.

Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Who treated me the best, understood the most? Elethia and Kassandra. They're an equal tie.

Saddest: This person isnt a friend but she never stops friggin whining! Cel.

Most Gullible: Chase, he'll believe anything his bitch (Chay) tells him to.

Most Loyal: Trace, Sid and Beth.

Sweetest: Beth and Sid

Bitch: Chrissy! But I love her for it. She can be the biggest bitch on 2 feet.

Most Complaints: Again, she isnt my friend, but fuckin Cel. She never STOPS complaining.

You Dislike: Cel, Mera, Beverly, Stacie, Paul, Kevin, Most of my executives, and just ignorant people. Dishonest people. Controlling possessive jealous people.

You Love: Elethia, Cynthia, Melody, My children, Chase even though he's hurt me as a friend, Beth, Trace, Sid, Mamma, My dad, my siblings, My gramma, All of my friends (Close friends) And distant because well, I dont love my distant friends but I do care about them. Thats a good way to put it. All my pets. And all my close family.

Lies Most Often: Do I have to answer this honestly ?!?!?!?! Cel. A fucking gain.

QUESTION AND ANSWER

If you were stranded on a deserted island, who and what would you want to have with you and why? (One person, 3 items) My soul mate, music, clothing, and tools

What is your darkest, deepest secret? Those who need to know it, know it and theres only one breathing person that knows.

Are you a virgin? If not, who was your first? No. Her name was Mindy. She was 12 and I was 11 1/2.

Who was your first love and why did you love them? Amber. I was like 14. I loved her like mad. We split up over her doin some really fucked up shit that I wont go into. I loved her because basically she was a good person or i thought she was she was fun to talk to and be around.

Who was your first kiss and why? First kiss? *Thinks hard on this* Britney >.< Why? I didnt kiss her she ran up and just kissed me right on the lips and ran away giggling. I was like barely 11. As for the first person -I- kissed, Mindy. And Why? I was attracted to her and I thought she was pretty and just decided to try out this kissing thing and see what it was all about. It was like 2 weeks after Britney kissed me.

Do you want children? (If yes, names, gender and how many?) I have a daughter Jasmine, and Im raising my little brothers Jaqsien and Jonathan.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

Love at first sight? No.

Long Distance Relationships? Yes, though theyr'e difficult.

God? The christian god? No. Im agnostic.

True Love? Yes.

Suicide? No.

Abortion? If it's for medical reasons or the mother or baby is going to die, yes. Just because the mother doesnt want the kid, No. The kid didnt choose to be created. Why maime it's life before ever giving it a chance.

8:46am: HAHAHA!


Is anyone surprised? Im not. I'm quite proud it's one of my favorite things to do between the sheets! *Flicks tongue*

2:32pm: A test. Heh.
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

Got computer fixed and back oh yay. Tired. Sleepy. What more is there to say?
~Fleeting Sanity~

1:38pm: Lonliness
Ever been so lonely you felt like you were outside of your own body watching your life fly by while you stayed on the outskirts dead silenced and watching? If not, welcome to my world. My schedule is absolutely killing me, get home at 3AM most of the fucking time and have to go right back at 4:30AM so when Im not working Im sleeping. Oh yay. I'm suppose to be in a 'relationship' though I wont even call it that because I feel like Im entirely alone. That's not her fault. It's my schedule and Im aware of that. We never have time for eachother and it's driving me crazy. Hell her fucking distant friends know more about whats going on in her damned life that -I- do and she supposedly loves me. So why do I feel entirely deserted and alone? I dont know. Probably because I miss Kassandra and I miss the freedom of being with her because with her I never needed a front or a shield or anything else I could just be myself no matter how I was. Now, I cant do that. We were talking and she said something about her having to 'rebuild a comfort zone' then it dawned on me. I dont have a comfort zone. With anyone. Period. Trace is going through sooo much right now I cant relax around him, the boy is a basket case right now. Sid's almost in the same position but not quite. Any way it goes I still have to play steel wall. With my girlfriend she never has time to even know when Im hurting or when Im moreless anything. That and she cant sense it around me. Maybe I've gotten too fucking good at hiding hurt pain fear and all those lovely emotions. I did it my whole life growing up and to me yesterday was just like today today is just like tomorrow. None of it matters. Hell my girlfriend doesnt even know simple shit about me like ..for instance a lot of my beliefs feelings on things likes and dislikes. I'd bet anyone 200 dollars if I asked my significant other right now why I'm petrified of sharks, she couldnt answer you. We need to do some work cause it's making us both relly distant. I dont know whats going on with her any more no more than the man in the moon does. Ontop of all that Im just tired of being entirely alone emotionally and mentally. Physically, hell I could care less that doesnt even factor into whats goin on in my head. With all that said it's driving me absolutely insane and I feel helpless to stop it. I miss Kassandra so bad I cant hardly stand it. The 2 year mark is in July. It's eating me alive inside.I doesnt seem like it's been that long but yet I still feel so fucking EMPTY that I drive myself crazy, craving some form of shelter from this bullshit we call life. *Sighs* I dont know what else to say other than im just going out of my mind and would honestly rather not exsist than feel like this.
~Fleeting Sanity~

11:10am: A song that describes how I feel way too well.
Linkin Park - "Numb"
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do is be more like me and be less like you



Need I say more? No.
~Fleeting Sanity~