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Thursday, April 7th, 2005
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6:59 pm - that's all she wrote
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this is my last entry
(at least for a while)
because i have a haunting premonition
that people are reading this as a way to spy on me...
(*cough, dad, cough*)
-out
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, April 5th, 2005
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3:56 pm - What? It's April!!! when did that happen?
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Yeah so....
Yesterday was my birthday, definately a memerable one. Don't you love when things unexpectedly go your way. It's great! The day started pretty lame... it was the first day back to school from spring break, and i was really sad that i had to go back on my b-day. Then i got to school and was more upset because i didn't even have any pretty locker decorations to brighten my day (after four years in high school i just wanted for it to be decorated once...). So i sat down and pouted... Everyone else came to their lockers a little while later. Tashio was the first to say "Happy Birthday".
Then Cindy "OH Yeah... Happy Birthday.
" I replied "It's not really happy is it? We're here."
Heather said "Let's Skip."
"Do You want to?"
"Yes."
"We're skipping?"
"Okay Let's Go."
And then we left, all of us: Me, Cindy, Kathy, Heather, Sanja, and Tashio. We all snuck out seperate exits and met in the parking lot. "We can go to my house nobody should be there" I said. Okay and then we were off. I felt so free. So happy.
OI pulled into my driveway and looked in the window. The TV was on... that's weird I thought. And then I saw my mom kneeling at the living room table! OH SHIT!!! Other people started to show up. Abort! Abort! "My mom's home!!!"
Heather said that nobody was home at her house, so we very carefully and quietly left my house and went to hers. When we got there we called ourselves in (I never knew how easy that was) and then we ate and watched "Chocolat"... then we went thrift store shopping. I got a few t-shirts and a coat, it was fun. Then we were hungry again so we got some pizzas and had a picnic in the park. It was such a beautiful day outside. It was getting close to the end of the school day so i drove back because I had to pick up my sister, snuck in got my backpack and met her outside. She didn't suspect a thing.
Later I went with my mom to open a Credit account... my debit card is on its way!!!
Then everybody came over to my house and we ate cake and opened presents!
It was a good day after all!
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| Thursday, March 31st, 2005
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4:18 pm - good news comes in large envelopes!!!
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I just got my acceptance letter from New York University!
I'm so excited!!!
Now comes the hardest part, deciding where to go...
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| Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
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5:46 pm - thrift shops are awesome!
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Check out what i got from the thrift shop for free!
that's right, free. I had a coupon!
I also got a free London Fog trench coat and a prom dress for $3.50!
thrift stores are awesome!
(if you look hard enough you might see a picture of David Bowie... that is part of my shrine!)
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| Friday, March 25th, 2005
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9:47 pm - fortune cookies
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Have you ever hear about the thing where you add "in bed" to the end of the fortune found inside chinese fortune cookies?
yeah well, here are some of my recent fortunes:
"Change is happening in your life, so go with the flow (in bed)!"
"Your exotic ideas lead you to many exciting, new adventures (in bed)!"
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2:48 pm
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two-cent wisdom on sale now,
ask me a question, any question, and i'll answer it for free.
hurry, this is a limited time offer.
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, March 24th, 2005
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10:13 pm
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the long awaited and much anticipated spring break has finally arrived.
If only i had something remotely interesting going on over the break...
My plans consist of work, homework, cleaning, and (my favorite) catching up on my Z's.
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| Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005
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4:36 pm
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I think it is about time to update!!!!
Here are the exciting things that have happened to me in the past two days!!!
1. I got a surprise e-mail from my long-lost best friend Paul Medley... somehow he found me on MySpace.com and sent me a message! I was so excited! It's been so long since I've talked to him. We were best friends first through fifth grade... here see him yourself:
Paul, recent
2. I got my tax return!!! YAY!!! MONEY!
3. I got another acceptance letter... This time from Gettysburg College... YAY! Now I have a choice!
more info coming soon... but i gotta run. Later.
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4:06 pm
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two weeks later and i finally wrote Mike back.
Here's what i said:
"I want to start by saying I'm sorry, i'm sorry, a thousand apologies. I never meant to take this long to reply to your last email. I don't know what happened, things started piling up, and i got so carried away in all the little things i have to do for school and work that time just slipped away. How horribly hypocritical of me. I'm so sorry.
Now that that is out of the way, how are you? How are your classes going? I can't believe how much homework and projects you guys have in economics this semester! Last semester we did hardly anything, and now Kathy and Fatimeh are complaining every week about some new project or paper that is due! At least you guys will be better prepared for the AP test, i have to go back and re-teach myself everything.
How is the play going? Do you think it will be good this year? Better than ones in past years? Does the cast work well together? Are the directors good? anything you want to tell me, i'll be interested in :)
As for me: things are going good. I'm keeping busy though... I have five APs to study for, i have to figure out where i want to go to college, i have projects to work on in Brit Lit and Psych, and on top of all that Cindy is trying to pressure me into going to prom... as you can see it's a little bit stressful. But I'll survive. What's happening in your life? (feel free to vent, because i just did.)
-Jordan"
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| Saturday, March 19th, 2005
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8:36 pm
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"This girl is a lonely girl
Takes the train from Paddington to Oxford Circus
Buys the Daily News
But passengers don't smile at her, don't smile at her
This girl is made of loneliness
A broken heart
For the boy that she once knew
Doesn't want to know her anymore
And this girl is a lonely girl
Every thing she wants is hers
But she can't make it with the boy she really wants to be with
All the time, to love, all the time"
-form "Maid Of Bond Street," by David Bowie
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| Thursday, March 17th, 2005
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4:27 pm - desperate times...desperate measures
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It has been a while since i updated... i guess i was waiting for something good to happen, or at least something eventful. But no... nothing really.
I did have a very pleasant sensation today as i was walking from my sixth hour class to my locker. As I turned the corner on my way down the spiral staircase I saw Mr. DiNovo on his way up. I smiled, a friendly smile, felt the familiar tingle of delight throughout my whole body. I probably wouldn't have really noticed if Heather didn't make a comment, but he gave me a the old "up-down" (in other words he checked me out head to toe) (you know, the thing i secretly do everytime i see him) (and by the way, i totally just made "up-down" up, but i wanted to use some catchy lingo and just couldn't think of any). Yeah so that made me even happier. He probably did it because my breasts were displayed particularly risqué today. My philosophy on boobs is that God gave them to me, why shouldn't i show them off?...
do you see what i've had to resort to?
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| Friday, March 11th, 2005
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3:57 pm - Woo-Hoo!
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I got my first college acceptance letter (e-mail) today!
It came as a small relief because just yesterday my mother was jokingly asking me "What if you don't get in to any schools?"
"Congratulations on your acceptance to American University's Class of 2009
and your invitation to join our Honors Program!"
Now I can be an American Eagle (no joke, that is their mascot).
It isn't really my first choice, but it's good to know that i got in somewhere. Plus, it would be really awesome to move th D.C.
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| Thursday, March 10th, 2005
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7:26 pm - Sons Of The Silent Age
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(David Bowie)
Sons of the silent age
Stand on platforms blank looks and note books
Sit in back rows of city limits
Lay in bed coming and going on easy terms
Sons of the silent age
Pace their rooms like a cell's dimensions
Rise for a year or two then make war
Search through their one inch thoughts
Then decide it couldn't be done
Baby, I'll never let you go
All I see is all I know
Let's find another way down
Baby, baby, I'll never let you down
I can't stand another sound
Let's take another way in
Sons of the silent age
Listen to tracks by Sam Therapy and King Dice
Sons of the silent age
Pick up in bars and cry only once
Sons of the silent age
Make love only once but dream and dream
They don't walk, they just glide in and out of life
They never die, they just go to sleep one day
Baby, I won't ever let you go
All I see is all I know
Let's take another way down
Oh baby, baby, baby, I won't ever let you down
I can't stand another sound
Let's find another way in
Baby, baby, baby, fire away!
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| Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
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10:00 pm - to complain, or not to complain
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I don't want to come here and complain... but for some reason that is all that i can think of to do. Is is just me being a selfish baby? I don't know. I guess what i wanted to say is that i often feel like i'm left out. It is hard to explain really. Well, no it isn't. It is just that I'm always the last one to hear about stuff... and a lot of times when people go out to do something i don't even seem to get invited... maybe, I'm wrong. But, that is how it seems to me. (I don't want to be the fifth Beatle, but that is kind of how I feel right now.)
Oh well... i'm sure I'm blowing it out of proportion.
Anyway, i had to make up a government test after school, and guess who the teacher supervising was? Mr. DiNovo! God I Love him... He's like a short Adonis... He was like "you should stop by and talk more, my rooms A111, let me know whats going on." I was thinking "I'll stop by everyday if you want me to." Yeah so that was fun...
What else? I will probably go get Cindy's b-day present on Friday. I was looking forward to the day off, but i'm starting to dread it now... this will seem really childish and selfish, but i always get really depressed when Cindy is happy. It's not like she has to be sad for me to be happy, it's just that when she shoves all her happiness in my face it makes me feel sick. A bit jealous i guess, not of Drew, but of the happiness...
It's not that I'm sad, i'm just not really happy... i think i need more adjectives to be more specific
This will make me smile:
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| Tuesday, March 8th, 2005
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8:58 pm - Who is Excited?
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| Monday, March 7th, 2005
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10:00 pm
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After school we went to oberweis and got ice cream, because Cindy had a craving. It seems like we always do what Cindy wants to do, not that i'm complaining though, because it was really good ice cream. then when I got home i took a nap. I slept for three hours. It was so refreshing... i felt like sleeping right through to the morning, but i figured that i should probably try to do some homework. (which i have yet to begin... i'll get to it eventually.)
I don't know if this is a sign of getting better or getting worse, but i actually thought to myself today that if death is like sleeping it wouldn't be so bad... i mean that is progress from the usual anxiety that i have concerning my own mortality, but i don't like the idea... i don't know. I'm starting to ramble again.
What else has been going on in my head lately... we'll i had a sort of epiphany while at Cindy's house on Sunday. After Cin asked if i was alive i replied "I'm alive but not living." Then it hit me how true that was. I'm so tired of my life revolving around things that i hate. School, school, school, school, school, work, work, work. repeat. I'm losing patience....
Also i started to give up my hope of being with Mike. Don't get me wrong, i still like him a lot. i just can't be the one who initiates everything. I like to sit back and enjoy the ride sometimes, i'm sick and tired of always having to be the driver. I don't know what to do though... he wrote me again today, he said: "I am really sorry that I haven't emailed you in a week. I'll try to email you more often from now on. Play practice started last Monday. Life has been rather hectic since then. So what's up with you so far?" I don't know how to reply. half of me says to keep it going and maybe something could happen, while the other half says i'm not waiting a hundred years just tell him not to even bother. I need to think before i reply... maybe he'll see how hard it is to wait for someone...
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| Sunday, March 6th, 2005
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10:52 am - a bit of zen
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| Friday, March 4th, 2005
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11:04 am
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Well, Last night was the wake for Kathy's mom.
We arrived to the funeral home about 3:30, laden with various types of cookies for the refreshment of other guests. Heather, Sanja, and Kathy had already arrived. Kathy was standing in front of the casket, alone. Heather was by the door, out of sight from the content of the casket, looking very perplexed. We saw Sanja as we turned the corned to head downstairs to where the lobby was. She was beet red, sobbing her eyes out. Tashio stayed and tried to comfort her, the first of many attempts to do so. Cindy and I headed downstairs and set up the food table. While we were down there Cindy expressed her concerns "I can't look at her, I can't go up there." I just listened. She had never seen a dead body before, she was afraid. I remember when i first had that feeling, at my great-grandma's wake a few years back. We returned up stairs. Kathy was still standing at the front, talking very quiet Chinese to her dead mother's body. We all (Tashio, Me, Cindy, Heather, and Sanja) sat down in the third row of fold-up chairs and watched her. I kept thinking to myself that she was such a small person, but she is so strong. I admired her, because i could never see myself in her position. She turned and saw us all sitting in a row. "i'm going to call my dad now," she said as she left the room. we sat there for a minute in silence, then Cindy declares "I have to go see." I think, I better go with her, she will need me there for support. We get up to the casket, look at the body. that is when it all suddenly became real. the tears started to flow... and flow, and fall to the floor. (It made me think of all the people who had ever morned in the room and all the tears that were hidden in the carpet.) I moved away from the casket, hoping that reality would again seem like fiction, but no, it hit and hit hard. I cried alone, staring at the wall, for a while. Then Cindy came and tried to comfort me. Kathy came back and then we all stood in front of the casket. Kathy started speaking Chinese to her mom again, and then she translated for us: "look mom, you can go, look at all these good friends i have." Heather asked if we should pray, and Kathy nodded. We all stood holding hands Kathy and heather's hands placed on the casket. Heather thanked God for giving us the short time we had with Mrs. Luo, and thanked him even more that she gave us Kathy. Kathy's dad arrived, along with her aunt. We went and sat down on one of the couches in the back of the room. There we sat a people began to file into the room. Mostly Chinese people, but there were a few familiar faces: Dave got there early and stayed the whole time (i think he is slowly becoming one of our group), Caitlin showed up (although she didn't really know Kathy well, she was genuinely concerned), a few teachers. A steady flow of Chinese people came, none were related to Kathy, but they were in the Chinese circle. More people came, some familiar some not so familiar. Fatimeh came later (thank God, because Cindy would have killed he if she didn't show up), Katherine, Sam & David, old friends, and acquaintances. There were more I'm sure, but it was overwhelming. A Chinese pastor came and gave a sermon in Chinese, along with a guy who translated it into English. Truthfully, i think some of the message was lost in translation. Cindy started to cry so hard during the message, i had to stand up and get her a Kleenex box because her whole face was wet. When the pastor finished, Kathy stood up and said a few words. She said "my mom was a strong woman." The pastor said after Kathy had finished that Kathy had inherited that trait from her mom. That is true. Cindy, excused herself and went outside, I followed her to make sure she was alright. We cried some more, she said to me (and Drew, who she had called) "I just was staring at the picture of her, and i can't stop thinking that were going to go to Kathy's house and she'll be there. Like she always was." That's when it hit me, the hardest part is yet to come. When things start to get back to normal, and you realize that it's not normal.
The wake was ending, everybody had left except a few. Kathy was back at the front. We all gathered around her, gave her a big group hug. Let her know again, that if she needed anything at all to just ask. We stood there for a while and then Kathy's dad came and said "Kathy, it's time to go." And then we all hugged one last time and left.
We went to Cindy's house, because today is her birthday. We ate pizza and cake, but it wasn't really the same. We left fairly early, because we were all emotionally exhausted. I was home before midnight, but it seemed much later.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
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7:42 pm
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even things that you expect to happen can come as a surprise
Kathy's mom died yesterday. i'm still in shock i think. it will probably really hit me when i go visit Kathy tomorrow. the saddest thing to me is that of all of us, Kathy needs her mother the most. Kathy used to always tell us that her mother was her best friend, that they talked about everything. i think that Kathy's driving force behind all of her achievements have been her mother, and now she's gone but Kathy still needs her. as much as my own mother annoys me sometimes, i can't imagine going a day with out her here. i can't even imagine what Kathy is going through right now. i just want to give her a hug.
other things seem so trivial now
current mood: sad
current music: Maybe Tomorrow - Stereophonics
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| Tuesday, March 1st, 2005
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3:32 pm
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