Blurty for Matt.

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Thursday, November 6th, 2003

Subject:Tired
Time:7:23 am.
Mood: tired.
Music:Intermission by The Offspring...its stuck in my head.
Ok so the past couple of days have been mixed for me. I went to my appointment with my academic advisor lady and I'm going to switch majors, not sure what yet but it's down to History, English, or Classics. I need to get another loan or I'm going to get evicted...yeah not cool I know. Other than that I've been hanging out with my friends and just having a ton of fun. We played football in the rain the other night, that was a blast. After that we all went in the hot tub like usual (we've been doing that for like a week running) and played truth or dare, very interesting game. Chris gave me an awesome compliment while we were in there too, he told everyone that I'm pretty good at tarot readings, I was so like yay! go matt! Chris more than anyone I hold in the highest respect regarding tarot and wicca and things of the like so coming from him that meant a lot to me. I've only had my cards for a little over a week so that's why it's even more special. I've been doing a lot of readings lately which has been tiring me out more frequently. I gave Fatemah a reading last weekend, Chris a reading the next day, Gabe the day after that, then I took a night off and then two nights ago I gave one to Maggie, Tabby came over for a reading last night (well...today), Amanda asked me to give her one tonight (Thursday), Frank asked for one tomorrow, and Chris asked me to do another one Monday night. Oh and my friend Wendy stopped by on her way home to Orlando and I gave her and her friend a reading yesterday. So that's been keeping me busy too, lots of fun there. Maggie told me she has another question so I'm going to give her another reading sometime soon as well. I feel very honored that everyone has been asking me to give them readings. Oh yeah, JP asked me for one as well, not sure when he wants it done yet though. We went and saw Matrix Revolutions last night. A bunch of people went to the 12:05 but Maggie, JP, Dan, Ali, and myself caught a 12:15 showing. It was an awesome movie but I was rather upset that there was nothing at the end of the credits. Afterwards we hung out for a bit and then Maggie and I talked and then joined everyone else down at the hot tub. Anywho, we're playing football again tonight so that should be fun. Ok well I'm really really tired so I think it's bedtime. Night night peoples. Peace.
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Monday, November 3rd, 2003

Subject:Confusion, All Over My Face
Time:3:19 am.
Mood: calm.
Music:A/C Humming.
I honestly have no idea how to update this thing right now so I'll just go with the definates. I care and I'm going to continue caring, no matter what anyone else says or does, and that's that. I've been a lot happier lately, going out more, socializing more, and being more active has helped me start climbing out of the pit I dug myself. I've found a religion that I feel for (finally), Wicca. I've never been excited about religion and spirituality before but I am now, and I'm very glad I've found that, I really think it will help me a lot. I've decided to change my major because quite frankly, the film school thing just isn't worth all the hastle and I'm not so sure that's what I want to do anymore. Other than that I've just been taking everything one day at a time and doing my best to work everything out and get on with my life. I've been talking to this guitarist Justin for about two weeks now and he's awesome. Gabe and I went to see his band Raygun (pronounced Reagan) on Halloween to talk to him. I was going to go to a party with him afterwards but we missed each other after Big Daddy's closed. We're meeting on Thursday and with any luck after that meeting we'll have a definate guitarist and then we can get a drummer and our band will be well on it's way. I have to call my mom and Sallie Mae tomorrow cause FSU SUCKS MY ASS! I requested a $2500 loan and they only gave me $1250 of it so now I don't have enough money for rent and such until spring, and FSU won't do anything to help me get any more money, they told me to ask Sallie Mae for another loan. So I guess I'm asking for a loan tomorrow...yeah I'm a bitch, I lose. Bastards... I just need to talk to my mom, she's like my ultimate advice person and stuff and I tell her everything, plus I want an update on my grandmother. Anywho I see that this has actually turned out to be rather long so I'm going to go. Things are better and getting more so each day, that's all I can really ask for right now so until next time: p-p-p-penis...p-p-p-penis-penis-penis-penis-penis.....dildo! Oh and guys, always remember: spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch. Peace.
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Saturday, October 25th, 2003

Subject:Me Time
Time:9:27 am.
Mood: tired.
Music:Godsmack - Voodoo.
Alright today was actually really good. I got up and decided I need some change for a while so I called up Tony and I hung out with him most of the day. He came over and we went to Publix then Wendy's and then his place. It was nice to get out for a while, I've gone no where since last weekend. We went to the Youtragedy concert at Fade Theory Records but we never actually went in, we hung outside and talked with people all night. It was really good to see Chris, the singer from Tony's band. Each time I see him I like him more, he is a really good guy. We left early cause Bethy had a headache and I wasn't all that up for how loud Fade Theory is (I honestly don't like that venue...at all). After the concert we went to Popeye's for some chicken...eh, I had a craving. Afterwards we went back to Tony's and then they left for Bethy's and waited for Frank and everyone else to get back. We all just chilled all night and then a whole bunch of Chris' friends from work came over and Sean and Jenny went to bed so it was just Frank, Tabby, and myself talking in Frank's room. We hung out all night and then around 6:30 came back to my place to make english muffin pizza's. They left after we watched some comedy bits on the computer and I've decided that for my next post I want to have a song that means something to me for each of my friends. It will be quite the task but I think it will be fun. I have no idea what I'm doing the rest of Saturday, I should get some sleep soon considering I've been sick. I have to do laundry sometime soon, probably late tonight while most of my complex is out partying so I can actually get a washer and dryer. Anywho I'm off to start on my project. I just decided that tonight must contain JP time, he keeps calling and I feel so bad cause I keep turning him down for stuff and I really enjoy his company. There, all set for later. Peace.
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Friday, October 24th, 2003

Subject:Unending Pain
Time:1:44 am.
Mood: drained.
Music:Rufio - Road to Recovery...over and over and over again.
So it's been a while, a lot has happened, none of it am I proud or happy about, and none of it can I talk about. All I can say is that I feel like I've been cast aside by a lot of people lately and that they've had their fun and moved on but poor little Matt is just supposed to sit here and deal. I've been betrayed, broken, beaten, and left emotionally empty and deserted. I'm acting as support at the moment when I can barely stand myself. I am a push over for the people I care about and more often than not it gets me walked over instead of revered as nice and helpful. I'm tired of taking back things that I say or do because of my fears, I'm tired of just being a good guy, I'm tired of never being good enough for anything. I've cried more in the past few days than I have since crying was acceptable for a boy to do because they were still young, and then some. I despise all that I have become and I regret everything that has put me where I am right now. Yet all I do is smile and nod, I try to be bigger than all of it when in reality it is tearing me apart and killing me inside. I've been sick for a while now but the past few days have just made things worse. I've never been in so much pain before, physical and emotional. I can feel my body rejecting me and it's getting worse, and as for the emotional pain, well, I never collapsed from anything before but I did last night. I know I'm supposed to turn to people for things like this but everytime I do something else happens and I feel bad for dragging them into it because it's my problem, not theirs. I just can't take it sometimes, I'm only human, but I always feel like I have to be more than that or I'll lose everything. I've never had enough, never learned enough, never seen enough, and I've never been enough for anything or anyone, and I live with that in my head everyday. Nice guys finish last and sympathy does get you left behind, and that's why I fail. I'm going to go take some medicine so I can actually sleep cause' if I don't I know I won't be able to and that'll make things worse. Somewhere inside I hope tomorrow never comes. The white flag has been raised and all I can do is wait for the cease fire.
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Sunday, October 19th, 2003

Subject:It's Too Late For Subject Titling
Time:3:52 am.
Mood: calm.
Music:People are sleeping, no music.
It's been a loooooooooooooong day. I got up around 9am after going to bed around 6am and then took a nap from 4pm to 5:30pm. Went to the mall with Bethany to get lipstick and nail polish then we got pizza. I went to the Witches Ball with Linda, Gabe, Natasha, and Eric. I had a lot of fun until I got sick from a slice of pizza that I had. Linda and I talked a lot and that was good. After the ball we dropped off Natasha and Eric, Natasha is cool but Eric really didn't say much so I honestly have no opinion on him, and went to my place. Linda and I talked some more and then we all watched Legend cause I didn't remember ever seeing it, which I have. Linda fell asleep during the movie and I thought I had to go pick Mike up from work which I ended up not having to do. Anyway it's late and I'm tired so I'm going to bed now. Peace.
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Saturday, October 18th, 2003

Subject:Blarg
Time:4:23 am.
Mood: exhausted.
Music:None.
Today was uneventful. Slept until 7pm because I needed it and then Gabe and I went to Frank's. I played DJ while most everyone else played Risk and then AJ and I had a little wrestling match that lasted entirely too long. Aleta tried to break it up and ended up choking me in the process, I'm very very pissed off at her right now. The night sucked, it was boring and wholistically upsetting. Oh, add to that the fact that I bit a chunk of my lip out when someone jumped on top of AJ while he was on top of me, really happy there. I feel like I've been hit by a car between the concert and the wrestling match. I'm just out of it, I need a full night's rest. I woke up like a zillion times yesterday and while I slept a long ass time I never slept more than 4 hours straight. I'm metally frustrated and fatigued from the past week. I just got back from going over to Linda's for a few minutes, and while it helped a bit she's not a cure all so I'm still blarg. The Witches Ball is tomorrow night and I'm looking forward to it, I get to be all gothed out and stuff, which I've never done before, so it should be fun. Add to that Gabe and Linda and that just increases the fun even more. Anyway I'm out of it and I need rest. Peace.
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Friday, October 17th, 2003

Subject:Dropkick Murphys Rule!
Time:4:32 am.
Mood: happy.
Music:The buzzing in my ears from the concert.
Ok so today was very uneventful, I woke up late, did nothing, and then we went to the Dropkick concert at the Beta Bar. The Disasters opened up and they did alright, then the Casualties played and I liked them, they were old fashioned loud and ugly punk, and then Dropkick, the mecca of punk bands. There is a reason Dropkick fans have a reputation for being crazy, they deserve it. Dropkick started their set with Cadence to Arms, which is all music and no lyrics, everyone went crazy, the entire place erupted into one giant mosh pit (well, for the most part). I was sitting on the speakers with Linda and after the first two songs I decided I wanted to make my way to center stage. So I moshed my happy ass all the way over there, got swept into the mosh pit for a bit, did some moshing, then continued my mosh all the way up to the front. It took me a while but I finally got right to the stage, just in time for Spicy McHaggis and Boys on the Docks, like my two favorite songs. I was next to this guy minding his own business when some guy fucking went crazy on him, started throwing punches, and he even dropkicked him once. The band stopped playing and skipped the rest of the song and moved on. A few songs later the same people attacked someone else and this time they started the song over. Linda got up on stage for Spicy McHaggis to dance with all the girls up there. They finished their set and then shouted out they had time for one last song, and then screamed BOYS ON THE DOCKS! and the entire place went into a frenzy. I sang the first verse looking eye to eye with the bassist, and then spent the rest of the song getting pummelled by people trying to get up front. At the end of the song they let people on stage and I was helping people up and making sure no one fell off, cause quite a few of them were tipsy. We got there around 7:45 and didn't get home until about 2:15, the Beta Bar was packed, I think the show sold out. Needless to say I had a blast. I do have my injuries though, I took an elbow to the face, massive amounts of toe stomping, and several punches here and there, but oi did I have fun. Oh and my stomach kept getting rammed into the stage, that wasn't fun cause for a while there I thought I was gonna puke. Anyway I'm good now, Linda and Gabe are watching Summer of Sam in the other room, and I'm going to bed. I took some NyQuil and I plan on spending the night in total oblivious slumber. I had an awesome day and there are ways it could have been better but hey, you can't always get what you want. I totally plan on buying some Dropkick stuff when I get some money, cause they really do own, that concert was the greatest thing I've ever been to, the atmosphere was astonishing. Anyway I think it's time for me to lay down and wait for the Q to take effect and knock me the fuck out, I just hope I hear my alarm this time. Peace.
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Thursday, October 16th, 2003

Subject:Relieved, Oh So Relieved
Time:1:57 pm.
Mood: chipper.
Music:Nada, de Gabe be sleepin.
Ok update time, my grammy's ok! WOO! The surgery went great and they had pulled the breathing tube out when I talked to my mom last night. SO YAY! Ok yesterday, I was being a pissy little dick yesterday cause I was upset over the grammy issue and I was really bugging people. Linda came over early and we went to the bank to cash Gabe's check, he signed it over to her and she cashed it, smart idea, I didn't think of that one. So after that we went to eat, it was decent, it was food, but it's since made my stomach hate me. Then we went food shopping and my pissyness increased...Linda scolded me...mew. That's ok, it was with good reason and intention and she has a point. She told me I need to stop acting happy when I'm really not cause it upset and pisses her off when she knows there is something wrong and she has to act it out too. I really do that too often. So I'm going to try and stop doing it altogether, the only people that ever see me are my friends and they would all be willing to help me out, at least I hope they would. Anywho after Publix we went to Blockbuster and rented Apt Pupil, Matrix Reloaded, and Summer of Sam. Then we came back here and Linda left for her meeting and Gabe and I waited for her to return. We hung out, listened to some music, the usual, then Frank came over with the remainder of my laundry. Turns out Frank stole Tony's phone...so we called Bethy...teehee! It was funny. Then Frank left and then I called my mom a bit later and then Linda came back. I was happier like a zillion fold. We watched Apt Pupil...very very very very very very very very disturbing movie. Enough said. After that there was a long debate about what to watch next...so we watched Denis Leary! God I love the No Cure For Cancer skit...Linda fell asleep though. After it was over I walked Linda home and came back to go to bed. I was up for something like 26 hours, I needed a rest. Anywho the Dropkick Murphys concert is tonight, OH YEAH! Gonna have a blast with that. The people that I know are going as of now are myself, Gabe, and Linda. I'm upset that I can't buy anything though, no money. Stupid loan won't be in for two weeks. I'm going to call Sallie Mae and see if they can speed that up a little. Oh and Shaft died, we think Giggles psychically killed him from her cage. I should be upset but that little bastard ate Banky and Marge, so fuck him. Anyway I have nothing left to say so I'm gone. Peace.
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Wednesday, October 15th, 2003

Subject:Hamsters Are So Weird
Time:10:43 am.
Mood: worried.
Music:It's on, but the volume isn't.
Alright so Marge is dead now. Apparently she got too attached to Shaft and he needed that bitch up off his shit. Or with Gabe's rendition it would be "Bitch get out my kool-aid!" You don't mess with Shaft man, he's one bad ass mutha fucka! So yeah, I feel better, I'm getting ready to call my mom and find out how the surgery went. Gabe just got home so I'm gonna go and talk with him and then call. Peace.
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Subject:Dreams Come True and Fears Come To Reality
Time:1:35 am.
Mood: scared.
Music:The Beatles - Let It Be.
Yesterday was a day of total mixed emotions for me. It started out great, I got my laundry done, took Frank to class and then was just hanging out waiting to take Gabe to the bank. While waiting I talked to Linda about everything and anything that we pleased and then around 9:30 I tried to wake Gabe up. Yeah, that didn't happen. So I decided to take a nap, I talked to Linda for a little while longer and then got some shut eye. I had thought Frank would be back around 2ish so I set my alarm for 2 and passed out. Frank showed up at 12 something and I went back to sleep after giving him his keys. I woke up at 3 and hopped on the puter to find an IM from Linda asking me to be her date to the Witches Ball this weekend, very exciting. Gabe was up and we called Tony around 4 to ask him if he could give us a ride to the bank and he did. After driving all over the place we still didn't get his check cashed and then we went to Hungry Howie's. We all came back to my apartment and we were all hanging out and stuff then Linda needed milk to make dinner which we unfortunately were unable to give to her because of the check incident. So Linda and I talked for a bit and I told her I'd love to go with her this weekend. So basically things were great, then my mom called. I didn't quite expect what she told me but she did a wonderful job of keeping herself composed when she did tell me. My grandmother was rushed to the hospital on Sunday with chest pains and after examination the doctors confirmed that she needed to be put into a triple bypass surgery or risk facing a heart attack. She's going in for surgery this morning at 6:30. I got to talk to her and she was all optimistic and we kept talking about how much we miss and love each other and how after she is done with her recovery she wants to come up and see me. After I got off the phone I just sat with my head in my pillow...she means so much to me and I am just so worried. Throughout my life my grandmother has been the one that I have been closest to. She raised me when my mom was gone, she gave me hope when I thought I had none, when I moved in with my dad she was always calling and we have just always been so close. More than anyone else she gave me the principles that I have lived my teenage and adult life on, she has shown me the morals that I hold so dear, and she has been the one closest to my heart. My mom did right in not telling me until now, I wouldn't have been able to function had I known earlier. I'm so scared of losing her, I know that this kind of surgery is pretty routine these days but she has been the one person that could most be defined by the term parent in my life, she has always been there more than my mother, my father, my step-mother, and all of them combined. I just have to keep telling myself everything will be alright. After I came out of my room I sent everyone home, I just can't deal with being around people right now, I look terrible and feel worse and that's something I don't want people to have to be around. I took Linda's cereal, chips, salsa, and Fatemah's hat back to her and then explained to her the situation and that I might not be able to go with her this weekend. I came home and went to bed, I got a good 5 hours in but now I can't sleep and when I close my eyes I just revert back to thinking about my grandmother. So here I am, sitting at the computer, typing away. It's 2:46 according the clock...I know this thing says it's 1:35 but writing this has taken so much out of me and for a while I couldn't even start I was so wound up in my emotions. I don't think I'll be able to go back to sleep tonight...I have a test tomorrow too, and I just don't care, even more now than before. I have so much more I want to say but I think I need to stop, I'm making myself cry just thinking about all of this stuff.
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Tuesday, October 14th, 2003

Subject:Confusion, My Ever Present Companion
Time:8:03 am.
Mood: confused.
Music:The hamsters trying to escape...again.
I don't really have much to write about right now...I didn't do much of anything yesterday worth mentioning. I took my test, did my laundry, and hung out with Gabe all day. Not to say that hanging with Gabe isn't worth mentioning but all we do is listen to and talk about music, I can only say so much about that before it gets old. I've once again had a lot of time to think to myself, and despite the pressing recent issues as mentioned in my last entry I don't really have anything to be bothered or worried about. I'm enjoying myself but at the same time I have this nagging feeling like I should be doing something more yet I can't figure out what. It will come to me eventually, I am certain of that, but until it does I feel helpless and confused and just down right useless because if it is something that I can do to help then I am wasting time. I don't know...I asked Chris to give me a tarot reading when he gets the chance this week, maybe it will help shed some light on things for me and give me some closure. I'm sitting around now waiting for 9am to role around so I can get Gabe up and go to the bank then come back home until Frank comes to get his car. How exciting I know...blarg. Anyway this is way longer than it should be considering the small amount I have to put in it, so I'm going to go and just waste time until 9. Peace.
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Monday, October 13th, 2003

Subject:Weekend of Weekends
Time:6:47 am.
Mood: disappointed.
Music:Collective Soul - The World I Know.
Ok this weekend has been very, very, very, very, etc. very crazy. I had a really good time but most of that fun was overshadowed by finding out that my best friend from back in K-town, Megan, had a seizure and was in the hospital. My first reaction was to call anyone and try to get a ride down there but I really couldn't afford to do that so instead I stayed here and had Kristen relay information to me (she was in the area this weekend). I'm going to call her later today so I can make sure she's doing alright and stuff, but in my heart I know that really just isn't enough. I should have gone down there, after everything that amazing and wonderful woman has done for me I stayed and tried to keep my mind off of her trouble by placating it with my own fun. I feel like a total asshole, and deservedly. I went out the other night, some people went to see Kill Bill but I stayed at Frank's until Linda showed up and then left with her. We went driving for a bit, shooting the breeze, getting lost, finding streets, all kinds of cool stuff. We went back to her place and hung out there but around 4:30 Gabe came over very distraught. So Gabe, Linda, and myself all had a pina colada and just hung out talking and helping Gabe out. After a bit we went swimming, they were both a little tipsy so the fact that it was like sub-arctic water didn't bother them but I was freezing really bad. On top of that after a while I started to realize what I was doing and where I should be and it started to really eat at me...We all got out of the pool shortly after and then came back to my apartment and we stayed up until 8am. I extended an invitation for Gabe to stay with me this week so he wouldn't have to be alone and stuff with his thoughts, which he has accepted and he is sleeping in the other room right now. Sunday was a very lazy day, I got up and then went back to sleep, then watched a movie and then Linda and I had a nice long talk that will really help her out with getting her life back on the track she wants it to be on, and I fully intend to help her as much as I possibly can. I will admit though that I feel like an ass because of certain things, the main one being that I had given my word to her about something and then totally didn't heed it, and it hurts me that I let myself go like that. I would also like to leave and apology to Gabe, I'm very sorry bro and I promise to have more respect for you for the rest of time that we know each other. I have apologized directly to him but I want something concrete to truly show my sincerity. So now I sit here feeling like a total asshole for my actions towards Megan, towards Linda, and towards Gabe, all three of whom I feel I have let down this weekend. I'm kind of worried that I'll be seeing a lot less of Linda, and while I understand that she needs her time, and I'm more than willing to give that to her as well as be here if she needs me, I really enjoy her company and we always have such a good time, and I'll miss that. I have been happier just having met her and seeing her so often and I hope that doesn't go away. Linda if you are reading this just know that I am behind you 110% and no matter what the outcome I will always be your friend. Anyway I need to start getting ready for class, sorry this is so long but I feel terrible inside and I needed to let it out. Megan if you ever read this I'm so sorry...after everything you did for me I abandoned you and I am truly sorry, I hope that you can forgive me. On a plus side I got my test score from my first sociology test, a 74%, I'm actually excited about that because I didn't study and I'm not particularly good at this class. Anywho I need to get going or I'll be late and I have a test. Ah I just remembered that I would like to apologize to Fatemah as well, I feel I have let her down this weekend as well. Again to the mentioned people, I'm sorry, and I only hope that you understand who I am well enough to forgive me for what I have done. Time to get going to class. Peace.
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Saturday, October 11th, 2003

Subject:Having Fun and Relaxing Is Good
Time:12:03 pm.
Mood: happy.
Music:None because Gabe is sleeping.
So yesterday was really kick ass. I spent the afternoon and early evening hanging with Frank, which is cool cause' I've not hung out with Frank really since the trip to the Starting Line concert way back when. We chilled a little then went to the bank so I could deposit a check and cash two others, then we went to have lunch at the Pitaria (I love gyros...oh so much), and then we hung out at my place until around 7. He left to go watch the baseball game and Linda was coming over for dinner and to watch a movie. While I was waiting for her to come over my Mom called, which was nice, we had a funny moment when we were discussing our evening plans cause' we both had the same idea. So Linda showed up around 8:30 and we hung out all night, then she went to sleep around 2ish. Around 3:30 Gabe came over and we were up until 5 talking, it was fun. It was a great day of being with my friends and just having a really good time. After talking to Gabe I crawled into bed with Linda and fell asleep. We woke up around 11 this morning, she slept straight through the night but I kept getting up. I dunno why but I was just not able to sleep and my mouth kept going dry so I went to get water a few times. So that leads me to now, I've since walked Linda back to her apartment and returned, Gabe's still sleeping and I'm going to go take a shower and then call up Frank and the rest of the crew and see what's going on later tonight. I'm gonna stop by Linda's to get my camera from Fatemah and to check and make sure she's doing her reading for her test next week sometime later today, maybe after my shower and nap. If I nap, haven't decided yet. Anywho I'm gonna go get in the shower now, Gabe will be up in a couple hours so I've got some time to kill. Peace.
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Friday, October 10th, 2003

Subject:Told You So
Time:2:02 pm.
Mood: mellow.
Music:Collective Soul - The World I Know.
Alright so I'm feeling better, for some reason I just needed to be upset about nothing I guess. I slept on the couch though...oddly enough I slept better on that than my bed. On a sadder note when I was getting ready for bed I realized that Banky (one of my hamsters) was missing which I later found that Marge and Shaft (my other two hamsters besides Giggles) ate him. Apparently there was no room for Banky in the relationship that Marge and Shaft have so they killed him. That sucks huge ones because I liked Banky, he actually let you pick him up and stuff. I'm thinking about playing hamster golf later but we'll see, I have to make sure I'm not acting too brashly. Anywho I'm off to finalize the pics from Tony's last concert cause I've been putting it off far too long. Peace.
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Subject:Empty Inside
Time:12:07 am.
Mood: depressed.
Music:Silence.
I'm really not in the mood to write but I am anyway. Did nothing all day, only productive thing was talking to Tony about what happened. I feel like a backstabber for some of the things I said to avoid another argument. I don't feel like I've been myself lately and it's starting to take drastic effect...my sleeplessness is getting worse and my stomach is too, I can't eat without getting sick, if I even eat, my appetite has all but disappeared, I eat once a day. I played a good facade tonight when I went to the Student Life Building to see Bruce Almighty with a bunch of people. Ever since the ordeal with Tony I've been feeling worse than I was before. I don't know, I think I should take the weekend off from people and just lock myself in my apartment, then again I doubt that would help cause I get lonely easily...I hate catch 22's. Anyway I'm tired and I doubt anyone wants to read my "oh woe is me" shit anyway so I'm just going to stop. There'll probably be a post tomorrow about how stupid I am for letting my emotions take over without rationality so be expecting it, I do this from time to time. Peace.
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Thursday, October 9th, 2003

Subject:Me Like Hockey
Time:11:08 am.
Mood: blah.
Music:The air conditioner humming.
Alright the NHL season started last night, yay! It's time for hockey fans to start getting ready for the long haul to the Stanley Cup and to get out those skates and get in the spirit. I fully intend on raiding the parking lot at the Mormom complex next to my apartment complex, they have such nice black top to skate on! (Sorry folks, but Florida isn't known for it's ice rinks.) I've had another low sleep night, 2 hours so far. Linda had a bunch of studying to do so I stayed there to help make sure she got through it without falling asleep. I got into it with Jenny last night, it was my fault but for some reason I don't feel too insanely bad about it. I just keep remembering all the times I've felt hurt by her and then I think of this one time that I wasn't so nice and it just is so unbalanced. Then again I feel bad that it hurt her...sigh, morals are quirky. We'll see what she says next time I talk to her, maybe I'll apologize maybe not, I just keep remembering how mad she got when I tried to keep her from driving for all of like a half hour after drinking to the word love in the movie Moulin Rouge because I wanted to make sure she was ok to drive. Anywho I'm tired and I have things to do later so I think I'm going to take a nap or something. Peace.
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Wednesday, October 8th, 2003

Subject:Friends Don't Hit Friends
Time:1:46 am.
Mood: irritated.
Music:Primus - Animals Should Not Try To Act Like People album.
So today was a pretty damn good day, until about an hour ago. Tony, Bethany, JP, Mike, Fatemah, and myself were watching Saving Private Ryan and after it was over JP had gotten a bit emotional over the movie, which I completely understand because it is such a heavy movie. Well Bethany went over to give JP a hug and Tony tried to stay her and said something about wanting a hug too because he always does such things, I expected it. What I didn't expect was when I said "You're such a lush Tony." Tony lunging at me swinging his hat and tyring to hit me. Now I understand that his straightedge lifestyle is important to him and how the use of the word "lush" could be misconstrued but I had a different understanding of the word that I had intended to use. How he could come out with lush in this situation refering to alcohol when the situation was clearly about attention and affection I don't know, so the word has a general acceptance to be related to alcohol that isn't its only meaning. He hit me the first time and I let it go but he pressed on and tried to hit me a second and third time until I grabbed the hat and hit him back at which point he grabbed my wrist. First of all, he knows that we are all friends and that I wouldn't intentionally hurt him, secondly, God forbid I slip in word choice and not pick something better. Mike stepped in to calm him down, which didn't happen and Tony proceeded to collect his belongings and storm out slamming my door, another mistake because I don't take kindly to people, especially my friends, taking angry actions towards my belongings. After he left I went online to see if my understanding of the word was incorrect and found out that I was partially in the wrong. When I said lush to Tony I used it as a noun and the noun meaning is a drunkard, but the adjective meanings include excessive which is how I meant it. So I apologize for using the word improperly, I admit to being wrong because it was my choice to use that word and I won't back down from that. If you read this Tony, I apologize for the way I used the word and I had no intention of implying to you as a drunkard, but your reaction was uncalled for and I feel you need to apologize for it. Back to the general audience. Blarg, this has really unnerved me. Of everyone in the crew I had Tony way up the list of the people I feel closest too but not anymore. He has changed a lot, and as far as I'm concerned not for the better. His hostility has been increasing every time I have seen him. Enough about this shit though, just writing about it is pissing me off even more. The new Primus album came today, I have been all over it all day. It's a CD as well as a DVD, and the DVD rules. It has all the Primus music videos on it as well as a ton of other bootleg footage and home videos, so totally cool. I feel a creative urge coming on so I think I'm going to do some writing and then maybe sleep. Ok further thinking has prompted me to just go to sleep, but first I'll wear down some of my anger so I don't go to sleep mad. Peace.
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Tuesday, October 7th, 2003

Subject:Primus Sucks
Time:2:25 am.
Mood: lonely.
Music:Primus - Suck On This album.
It's unbelievable! I'm home! Ok so I make it seem like I really want to be here but I kind of don't, but um...yeah. Anywho I'm just sitting here listening to Primus and thinking about how awesome they are and about how much it totally blows that they aren't coming to the southeast at all for their tour. More bad news about Primus, they cancelled their DC show, which means if I want to see them I have to go to New York, which I'm very much so considering because it's PRIMUS. Linda made an awesome dinner tonight, she's quite a good cook, and now I owe her a meal...or two...ok maybe three, sigh, how I get myself into these predicaments I don't know. I think I'll make her baked spaghetti one night this week when she's not so busy. I really don't have anything...I'm just here, lonely. I was tired earlier but I ended up taking a nap on the bean bag chair while Mike was playing Kingdom Hearts, so I'm not too tired anymore. I have to go pay my rent tomorrow and my new Primus CD should be here, Animals Should Not Act Like People...expect to see that CD as my current music for, oh I don't know...months. I'm sick with the Primus man, sick with it, Les is a bass god, Ler is an amazing guitarist, and Tim kicks major ass on drums but in my opinion Brain is the shit on drums, I'm not sure which drummer is on the new album though, I'll keep you updated. Now that I'm on a Primus kick I think I'll go play with my bass and then sleep at some point. Peace.
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Monday, October 6th, 2003

Subject:Unexpected Surprises
Time:10:21 pm.
Mood: happy.
Music:Megadeth - Countdown to Extinction album.
So I'm way late in updating this thing but that's because I didn't get home until about 1:30 this afternoon. Linda and Fatemah went to Target Copy last night before watching the movie so when they got back we started watching Resident Evil...cause Milla Jovovich is so damn hot! Um, yeah...anyway, so we started watching the movie and Linda passed out in like 10 minutes. I lasted almost the entire movie until like the very end and then I fell asleep too. We woke up when Gabe came out cause he couldn't sleep and then he went back to my apartment. I was about to get ready to leave when Linda laid back down and we went back to sleep. It was a really good night and after we got up Linda went to class and I cleaned up her living room for her meeting tonight, not sure why, must be my OCD...or the fact that I like to do nice things for nice people. When she came back from class we talked for a bit and then she had to leave for her next class so I left too and got all my financial aid stuff done. I requested more money for my loan, doubling it actually, from $1250 to $2500, I need the money and I'd rather have extra and send that back than not have enough. After that I called my mom and she gave me her credit card number so I could pay my rent, which I will do first thing tomorrow so I don't get evicted, cause that would really suck. It was a really good day despite being tired for most of it, while it's great to sleep next to someone it's something you have to be used to so you can sleep soundly, which I'm not. I've taken a couple power naps and I'm good now, I could be up all night if I had to, but I refuse to do that, I need to sleep. I'm at Linda and Fa's right now cause Linda is making dinner and while I'm glad to be here amongst friends I feel bad because Dustin was having a break fast dinner at his house that I said I would go to, but I missed my ride from being out running errands. I tried calling Brian to see where he was but he didn't answer so here I am. Anyway like usual I'm overwriting and I'm being anti-social by sitting here typing instead of chillen' with the group so until I update later, Peace.
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Subject:I Rule
Time:1:30 am.
Mood: ecstatic.
Music:Everlast - What It's Like.
You are CRUSH!
What Finding Nemo Character are You?

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I SO TOTALLY RULE! Sorry, I just had to share this with everyone! On a similar note Gabe, Mike, and I are taking quizzes and it turns out that Gabe is Hooligan Bear, Mike is Gay Bear, and I'm Raver Bear...yeah...Mike...Gay, who knew? Well that's all for right now, I'm off to watch a movie with the afore mentioned people and Fatemah and Linda. Peace.
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Blurty for Matt.

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