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i hate the idea of wasting days. i feel like almost every day i spend wasting it. i feel like theres something better i could be doing, only i don't know what it is. i want to go new places. i want adventures. i want something worth spending my time on. this doesn't mean that i think ALL my time is wasted. i don't think it's wasted if i'm spending it with someone and creating and sharing memories. im talking about the ones i spend alone doing nothing because theres nowhere to go, i'm trying to save money and i don't want to use all my gas....or the ones i spend at work. yeah, i make money...but theres better things i could be doing...theres even better jobs i could be doing. sometimes everything seems so meaningless. those days that you spend organizing your room or writing a crappy poem or the start of a crappy song just to feel productive...like the day wasn't a total waste...but it doesn't satisfy you. i always want an amazing summer and i never get it. i start to get anxious even though theres still about 2 1/2 months left....i feel like itll all be over so fast and i will have done basically nothing with it. im so fucking lazy and ridiculous and sometimes i make myself crazy. and people.....people are fucking pieces of work, aren't they? people can be so....fleeting. i don't know if that's the right word....but it's like half the people you know aren't even really there. they're just someone you see once in a while or talk to. it hurts the worst when they are someone who you used to spend practically everyday with or talking to. i don't get what happens, but it does. i hate that i let it. i hate that they let it. i hate that it happens in general. maybe it's the feeling of being replaced. i really think that sometimes its my fault. i used to be really judgemental and get mad about stupid shit. ive changed since i was 14, 15. im almost embarassed of how i was. i hate feeling like people might think im lame because my idea of fun is not getting drunk. i've gotten past it, but at the same time, i haven't. it's like they think they're better. who knows why...maybe because they've "experienced" more. we have different experience and choices, but why should that mean excluding people when doing something that both parties enjoy? why do i even care though? if they can't pick up a phone and call me to hang out, then screw them. i've planned something and invited all of them and they can't commit to it. whatever. all of this sounds like such stupid pointless "high school" horseshit. i've come to the conclusion and the realization that i don't have many friends. by this, i mean i have lots of friends in terms of people i've talked to, maybe hang out with occasionally and had class with....but i don't have many friends that i hang out with frequently. i hang out with my boyfriend....meg and i have started to hang out more this summer which is great fun. ashley, jeanna and phil are the ones i'd consider close, even though we don't talk or hang out as much as we used to. they're the ones that i know would be there for me though. that even though we don't talk or hang out a lot(which kinda sucks), that if i called and needed them, they'd be there. so thats 4 friends and a boyfriend. i'd be lying if i said that wasn't all i needed. id also be lying if i said i didn't want more from these friendships. i'd also be lying if i said i couldn't give more. things need to change and i need to be the one to do it, i think. if you don't like something, change it. make things happen.....too bad im lazy and waste my afternoon complaining to my online journal. at least i exercised my stomach today for the first time in months. seriously though...i think these are things worth changing and i'm going to try. i need to make the days worth more. i need to make the relationships stronger. i know it's a two way street...but someone has to initiate it. heres to hope, who always endures no matter how many times it disappoints. |
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tired.