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mood |
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Devastated, still |
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music |
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Staind -outside |
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Dear cam
I blame you. Logically I know it’s not all your fault. And that you must have been dealing with some horrible things to get to that point. And I will always love you, so much... but, a part of me will never be able to forgive you.
I was thirteen years old. THIRTEEN!! And you wrote about how you would always love me, and how you were so proud of me. That you knew no matter what I chose to do to in life I would succeed. Those were the kindest words I have ever heard you direct towards me, and you waited to put them in a suicide note! How dare you! How can you even fucking mention that you love me, when you were planning on leaving me! You had no right! No right to say those things, those words that have haunted me for the past five years. I fucking found you! I saw you like that, lying on our parent’s bed, deathly pale, blood caked on to your throat. Even now I still can’t get that image out of my head. I can’t get the memory of how dead inside you looked. Fine you survived, we got you to the hospital in time, but it doesn’t change what you did. It doesn’t change that for months later O couldn’t get the image of a bloody nice sitting on our bathroom floor and the ring of caked on blood in the bath tub. Yeah, I found that little display.
Because of you, I learned how to lie, and fake smiles. How to pretend and manipulate others to believe I’m happy. I felt so isolated from everyone around me; none of my friends could’ve known how to deal with it. Hell, I didn’t know how to deal with it, still don’t. I had no one to talk to; we never even mentioned it at home. We all pretended like everything was fine, perfect. But it wasn’t, I wasn’t. It hurt, so much, and I was so confused and over=whelmed and terrified. It was your suicide attempt that trigged my depression. Made me first feel like this. Caused me to rely on slicing open my own skin. You’re fault.
Sincerely,
The sister you forgot about
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confused
crappy
drained
lonely