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[18 May 2008|05:43pm] |
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Hmmm...well I just got done building a boat out of cardboard, duct tape, and styrafoam for school. That was an experience I would like to forget. But hey. If there were no difficult experiences in life, then I guess life wouldn't be worth living.
I'm trying to be optomistic with things. Stop being "emo" as Burch and a few others would put it. I'm trying, but I just feel this cloud of doom hanging over my head. I try to be happy. I smile and I laugh. For real sometimes. But I just don't feel it. I just don't see how things can improve, but I really don't see how things could get worse. I suppose it's because my mind is made up about a lot of things and I figure there's not much of a way to change these things, so I just gotta keep moving.
I've had an intense convo with J last night. It didn't start off that way though. They never do. But it ended up us talking about us getting back together. We resolved to wait until after summer to disscuss the further possiblilties of it all. He says he wants a real relationship with me and that will be different because this time around we're good friends, but I just...I don't see it. Yeah, I consider him a good friends and we will always have a connection. 6 months is nothing to sneeze at. But at the heart of it all, the wounds from a lil over a year aren't completely healed and I don't think I could ever trust him with my heart again. Things are different now. I'm not the same girl I was then and he's not the same boy.
Who's to say history won't repeat itself either? I've heard "things will be different", "i should have been better to you", "i'm sorry" a million times!! I've been promised the world a million times and all I've ended up with is a broken heart and not feeling fit enough to be with anyone. It hurts. Real bad. Walking around like you're defective; that all you are is someone to give your full love and support to someone and they repay you by not even bothering to tell you they've moved on or have someone else tell you they've moved on. I'm not willing to take a chance. It's a wonder why I take that chance with John every so often, but that will soon come to an end once I tell him to either stay or leave for good next time we talk.
I do love John. I want to be with him. For good. He was right about a lot of things, but I'm stubborn so I had to come to that relization on my own. I hate waiting though. I'm sure he does too, so we'll see how this all pans out.
I dunno. In all honestly, I'm numb. I'm sad, but numb. All well. There's lot of things to be happy for. School's almost out. I'm healthy. (There's probably more but I can't reeallyy think) Things will improve. I just gotta keep on going. Forget about the past and move with the future because that's all I've got to hold on to.
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