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[27 Jan 2008|01:34pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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The Love Letter- Blaqk Audio |
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Today is one of those days where I wish I had never gotten out of bed. Just some stuff with the family. But it should go away soon. I hope anyway.
I haven't made a day entry in so long. Since summer. It's kinda odd. Usually mom or someone else gets underneath me in the day and I can't type what I want. But everyone's busy so I can do and say whatever I want. But that's not really much.
So Kevin from school messaged me back after exactly a week. Honesty hasn't been the best policy lately, so I was half honest. I really don't care anymore. As I told J, it's not the first time I've been mildly dissapointed. I guess I was being completely honest though. Why hold onto feelings that will do nothing for you in the end? It really doesn't do anyone any good.
I wrote a hella bunch of songs yesterday. I gotta find that software I had to make the tracks of course or go on acidplanet and redownload that, and if I want I could use my friends studio if I ask nicely lol. I'm getting pretty serious about music again. It's always what I wanted to do and if I do want my own record label I gotta get crackin.
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| I HATE THAT I STILL LOVE HIM. |
[27 Jan 2008|10:13pm] |
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mood |
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 irate |
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music |
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NONE!!!!! |
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I'M SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW!!!! AND I KNOW I SHOULDN'T BE. I KNOW I SHOULDN'T CARE, BUT I DO AND IT KILLS ME. IT TEARS ME UP INSIDE AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT. THERE'S NOTHING I REALLY CAN DO ABOUT IT BUT FLIPPIN....I DON'T EVEN KNOW.
I keep telling myself not to do this to myself. And I was feeling ok. But I STILL fucking love him. Why????? No good is gonna come out of it. NONE. And I'm sitting here, hanging on to him. To us. But there's NOTHING THERE. But in the back of my mind I keep hearing those words..."it's not forever". But it IS forever. And it hurts so much...More than you would ever know.
So what do I do? What do I say to myself that will make me stop??? I've gone thro just about everything I could, but that doesn't change the fact that I STILL LOVE HIM. I don't wanna love him anymore. I can't love him anymore. And it pisses me off that it's paraded right in front of my heartbroken face. Then again, I'm just a "nigga". I'm not a person. I don't have feelings.
FUCK.
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