Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in This Chick's Blurty:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Wednesday, May 21st, 2008
9:55 pm	new blurty I made a new one because I gave it out to the wrong person. So to stop their arsonal of attacks, well at least slow them down, I made a new one. YAY!! I won't put it on here but ask and I'll tell. Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: none (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 18th, 2008
5:43 pm	so... Hmmm...well I just got done building a boat out of cardboard, duct tape, and styrafoam for school. That was an experience I would like to forget. But hey. If there were no difficult experiences in life, then I guess life wouldn't be worth living. I'm trying to be optomistic with things. Stop being "emo" as Burch and a few others would put it. I'm trying, but I just feel this cloud of doom hanging over my head. I try to be happy. I smile and I laugh. For real sometimes. But I just don't feel it. I just don't see how things can improve, but I really don't see how things could get worse. I suppose it's because my mind is made up about a lot of things and I figure there's not much of a way to change these things, so I just gotta keep moving. I've had an intense convo with J last night. It didn't start off that way though. They never do. But it ended up us talking about us getting back together. We resolved to wait until after summer to disscuss the further possiblilties of it all. He says he wants a real relationship with me and that will be different because this time around we're good friends, but I just...I don't see it. Yeah, I consider him a good friends and we will always have a connection. 6 months is nothing to sneeze at. But at the heart of it all, the wounds from a lil over a year aren't completely healed and I don't think I could ever trust him with my heart again. Things are different now. I'm not the same girl I was then and he's not the same boy. Who's to say history won't repeat itself either? I've heard "things will be different", "i should have been better to you", "i'm sorry" a million times!! I've been promised the world a million times and all I've ended up with is a broken heart and not feeling fit enough to be with anyone. It hurts. Real bad. Walking around like you're defective; that all you are is someone to give your full love and support to someone and they repay you by not even bothering to tell you they've moved on or have someone else tell you they've moved on. I'm not willing to take a chance. It's a wonder why I take that chance with John every so often, but that will soon come to an end once I tell him to either stay or leave for good next time we talk. I do love John. I want to be with him. For good. He was right about a lot of things, but I'm stubborn so I had to come to that relization on my own. I hate waiting though. I'm sure he does too, so we'll see how this all pans out. I dunno. In all honestly, I'm numb. I'm sad, but numb. All well. There's lot of things to be happy for. School's almost out. I'm healthy. (There's probably more but I can't reeallyy think) Things will improve. I just gotta keep on going. Forget about the past and move with the future because that's all I've got to hold on to. Current Mood: crappy Current Music: none (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 13th, 2008
9:55 pm	So I was right. I'm tired of waiting and seeing because well...deep down I already know. It makes me feel like shit knowing the truth, and it hurts even more that I've been stupid enough to deny it all this time. But I try to give things and people the benefit of a doubt. And I guess I'm stupid for that. Because in the end all that happens is that I get hurt. I don't know what to do right now. I don't even know what to feel. All I feel is hurt. I try to smile. I try to be happy, but it's so hard when you feel like you're not worth anything. Or that people think you're not worth anything... Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Loose Change (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 8th, 2008
9:50 pm	sometimes I think... That I am destined to be alone. But I guess I just have to wait and see because great things happen when you least expect it. Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Usher-Love in this club (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 7th, 2008
9:51 pm	life is beautiful I meant to update yesterday but my sinuses were killing me so I was in bed last night. They're still bugging me now. I HATE spring for this reason only. I get cloggy and congestedy and headachey and stuffy and it sucks!!!!! GOD DOES IT SUCK. Hopefully people will lay off on cutting the grass and the pollen count will go down soon. As for life, well that's ok. Monday I did some volenteer work at the food bank with my uncle. Everyone was really nice and I got a pretty easy job;making baskets for people take with them. I met this guy that was in the music business and he was telling me about some of the things I can do to start making into it as a sound tech. I'm really excited about it and I'm gonna start taking his advice. I need to find someone or somewhere with a studio so I can learn to use them and get things like Protools and start reading magazines. Since there are few women in the field I can get a position, so I'm leaning towards that as my carreer choice. Yesterday sucked cause of my sinus problems. I could go rant about that some more but that's enough. haha. On to today. It was alright. My sinuses are still screwy, but it was alright. Ya know, I just...some people never learn. I hate it when people hide behind their "friends" and their "friends" try to manifest their own unjust opinions of people unto them and use them as a puppet. It's stupid. I don't want to say any names because I don't know who reads this anymore, no one now since it's been over a month since I've updated and they probably won't know who I'm talking about so I will just use * when I want to use the person's name. Alrightly here we go. Well, *, is *. He thinks he is Heman Master of the Universe, well at least attempts to be. And I hate people who are confident in themselves for no reason. If you're a great person and you know it yeah, you can be a lil cocky with it (Matt and Burch haha). But if you're not really sure of who and what you are then you need to quit. And I don't think * realizes this at all. I hate it when people come up to me or talk to me with an ego that proceeds them and this what * does. I don't think he realizes it, but I'm grouchy lately, so if this keeps up I'm gonna blow. I can't wait for school to be over so I don't have to associate with him or his friends. Because it's getting old. And tiring. And stupid. We're 17-18. Let's act like it and grow up. I don't have to waste on petty drama like this. Life is short and we should live every moment to the fullest. Not to make all who have hurt your pride or friend's pride living hell. But I'm not gonna let that get me down. I feel really good about life. I'm actually planning my future and making steps towards it. For once I can say I'm alive and happy about it. Actually happy despite all the hell rising around me. I've actually been walking around with a smile on face!! Not because of a guy (love life kinda blows right now, that's for another time) but because of me. Because I'm making myself happy. And it makes me feel amazing. Current Mood: pleased Current Music: Mindless Self Indulgence-Bitches (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 4th, 2008
9:57 pm	I'm just gonna dive right in since I'm pressed for time. Friday was the choir concert. It went pretty well. Towards the end during the senior song everyone started crying. It was really sad. I'm gonna miss all my seniors!! Morghan and Burch had solos. They both did good. It was a pretty good night. Yesterday I took my SAT. After the 7th section I wanted to die. The actual test lasted from 8 until 12:50, but I had to wake up at 6:15 to get there by 7:45. It wasn't that hard. I think I did pretty good on it. As for today, well it wasn't half bad. Jorge called and yeah...he...well I don't know how to describe how things are between us besides awkward and painful. I don't mean to talk about the guy, but I think he just does things to iritate me. He's not a good person in my eyes. And nothing he says or does can change that. I wish he would just leave me alone. Everything I say or do he scrutinizes and so do his "friends" He's thinks he so cool and he's really not. Write more tomorrow. Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: none (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 1st, 2008
10:05 pm	it's been a while I just wanted to let everyone know I'm still alive and kicking (mostly kicking). =p Here's the 411 of the last month or so in no apparent order: Jorge and I broke up a week or so after getting together. I got into National Honors Society Made new friends Lost some friends Choir concert is tomorrow Getting a job Writing for an underground website Taking SATs for the 1st time Saturday Dropped 2 pant sizes School is almost over That's it in a nut shell. If I have time I'll update more tomorrow. If not, Saturday. It's been a long day and emotionally exhausting. Doing my hair, washing my face and then to bed I go!! Current Mood: drained Current Music: MSI-Never wanted to Dacne (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 23rd, 2008
10:15 pm	Ugh! Well I have a lot of updating to do. Let's hop into this bitch. That guy in my gym (Jorge) and I have been going out for a little over a week now. It's been a pretty good week so far despite a few things with him. I dunno. I don't want to say too much because perhaps I should communicate and tell him how I'm feeling about these things, but I don't want to cause any problems. So if it becomes more than a slight annoyance I will speak up. Problem solved yay!!! I've been on Spring break since Thursday. Tomorrow's my last day. =[ My school sucks! My neice had Friday and all of this comming week off. So I'm too happy, but I guess I gotta just keep trucking. School isn't that bad. Sometimes. Hmmm...yes Happy Easter!!! It wasn't that bad. It was a pretty good day. Just chilled and ate. Hope everyone had a good one. I'm sitting here redownloading all the songs I got from the internet. Not too happy about that. I dunno what happened, but for one reason or another the songs I had downloaded wouldn't play. So I'm trying to redownload all the shit! But my mom is bitching at me to get off for one reason or another. Apparently I have "all day tomorrow" but we both know that's bullshit. Ugh. Hating life at the moment. How the fuck am I gonna remember all this. Current Mood: irritated Current Music: guns and roses!!! (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 16th, 2008
9:57 pm	So... I haven't updated in a lil and I don't have much time to update now but whatever. Anyway things have been...beyond great lol. I'm pretty happy with my life for once. Current Mood: loved Current Music: MSI-Stupid MF (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 13th, 2008
9:21 pm	South Park or Dane Cook? I'm in an odd mood now. I finally crashed from being happy lol. I've been walking around with a smile all day and of course, I have to ruin it for myself. Nothing practicually bad happened. As a matter of fact today was great. No troubles at school and had the most amazing salad at Wawa. But somehow I just talk myself into these feelings. But it's ok because I know that it isn't true or right and yeah...Problem solved lol. Current Mood: loved Current Music: The Crow (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 12th, 2008
9:50 pm	hmmm Things have calmed down since Monday. Thankfully. But I have a slight delima. Well we all know about John and how I've had feelings for him for just about 3 years now. He's great. He really is. But he wants to be friends as long as possible. I don't mind waiting. Waiting is good lol. That's what we should have done when we first started going out because what happened might not have it we did. But the thing is, someone who I was crushing on but thought there was absloutely no hope with, admitted to liking me Friday. So I fessed up. Monday he did something stupid so he's suspended for God knows how long. But anyway, this girl from school asked me about it and told me that he likes me a lot. So I guess he must be talking good about me. And I like him a lot too. Class isn't nearly as fun without him. It's soooo fustrating!!! As I'm writing this my heart is racing!! He gives me this feeling. That feeling where your heart races and slows at the same time! But I'm scared and nervous even though I damn well I have no reason to!!! So I suppose I should tell John next time I talk to him? I mean I HATE when guys talk to more than one girl at once or when girls talk to more than one guy at once!! So I guess it's only fair if I fess up. Anywayz! Life is good. Reading a book! Horray!!! It's pretty racy lol. It's called Deliver Me From Evil by Mary Monroe. I love it so far!!! If it were a weekend I'd be finished cause I'd be reading all day, but I haven't really had time in class. School blows of course. lol. I absoultely can't stand it! But whatev'. I'm almost done so forget it. Hmmm other than that, nothing else to say =] Wish me luck with all this romantic crap because I'm crap with relationships. Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Flyleaf-Cassie (Comment on this)
Monday, March 10th, 2008
3:20 pm	emotionally exhausted Today was one of those days man!!!! I gotta get off soon so I'll come back tonight and we'll catch up on the lovely details =] Current Mood: drained (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 8th, 2008
9:26 pm	Bored! How I'm spending my Saturday Night: Watching Barbershop Listening to Music. Wrote Matt a letter. Chillin on the Computer. It's cool though. It's nasty outside anyway. Next weekend I think I'll do something. Not really much to say. If anything at all really. Current Mood: bored Current Music: Barbershop (Comment on this)
Friday, March 7th, 2008
10:24 pm	jarhead! Just got done watching it after not seeing it in forever. I love that movie. And Jake Gyllenhall! How could I not love that man!!!!!??? lol Well, I got some stuff to think on, but other than that today was great. Amazing. =] Current Mood: giddy Current Music: none (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 5th, 2008
9:17 pm	I'm a queen, I'm a clown, I'm a G Well I've been HSPA testing all week, well since Tuesday. I've been beasting!!! I think so anyway. Tomorrow's the last day so I'm pretty happy it's done. We've been having half days since Tuesday, but after tomorrow that's over. Haha. Other than that life's been ok. I really don't know what to write. I've been writing Matt letters and the things I tell him lol well some things don't need to be said to anyone but him. Sometimes I shouldn't even tell him some of the things I'm thinkin. But we've known each other too long and too well for him to judge me. We've seen each other at our best and worse than our worst so he wouldn't judge me. On here, not so much. Well anyhow...John and I have been talking. About nothing lol. I kinda asked him if we had a future and that I only asked because I don't wanna get hurt again and he said that it was understandable. Ha. So I really didn't get an answer, but I mean....I dunno. I would like things to go somewhere. Maybe at a quicker pace, but I guess I can't force it and if it's meant to be it's meant to be. I've had feelings for almost 3 years and he told me he's felt the same. But you know how I am. For the greater good (I was with Steve aka Pedro at the time) I pushed my feelings aside. And I hate doing that. I wanna tell him how much I want to be with him and try again. (And I don't give the boyfriend girlfriend a second shot EVER) But I'm willing to try. I want to try. But I'm too afraid to say it because I don't want to hear him say he's not that serious about me. But I should suck it up and just go for it. School has been crap the last few days. Well not really crap. Just minor things. This chick (who shall remain nameless) threw a ball at my head purposely on Monday. Probably cause her friend is feuding with mine. Then yesterday some random dude flipped me off on the way home for no reason and I saw him in the hall today and he looked at me in utter shock. Then some other dude had a bitch fit because I stepped on his heel by accident. *Sigh* People are dumb. I've been talking to Sean. He doesn't hate me. We're cool now I guess. Not that we weren't cool in the first place, but things have been kinda strained. Well anyway, I feel like a bitch now for dissing him so much. Yeah, I was pissed and upset, but there's really no excuse for it. So if you're reading this Sean, I'm really sorry. I was being a silly cunt and let my emotions get the better of me. Hmmm well I suppose this is pretty long enough. OOO!!! I HAD WENDY'S AT LONG LAST!!!! I had a Baconator and it was DELCIOUS!! lol. Just wanted to share that with you before I left. Current Mood: giddy Current Music: dane cook-he's a silly bitch lol (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 27th, 2008
5:02 pm	pretending to be happy...again My folks are gonna come home soon so I have to put up a good, happy, smilely, front. =] See, I'm even smiling right now. Because I'm happy. Even though I am really not. But I can't let anyone see that. I refuse to show how miserable I really am. Not that it matters to anyone anyway.... So I was talking to John today...and I think...it was a lie. I don't think he loves me, at least romantically. Or if loving me and being with me is what he really wants. I see it so much more clearly now. Maybe I should talk to him about it, but like most people he'll probably laugh and all and to quote Sean "We're not together so I'm not doing you wrong." Apparently it isn't wrong to tell someone you love them and get them to lower their defenses only so they can end up breaking your heart...again in this case. So yeah...if I talk to him again tonight, I might tell him about himself. But I'll doubt he'll care. More great news! Ginger's comming on back on Friday! And she's comming back to school. Lovely. I'm soooo thrilled. Not really. I'm less than thrilled. Well. At least it was peaceful for a few months. In other news, the day wasn't bad. Except for the reality hitting me in the head with a tire iron. But it felt good and I am happy!!! (I don't know how much longer I can keep this happy act up.) Current Mood: crushed Current Music: none (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 26th, 2008
10:10 pm	happy No school tomorrow!! I know, it's the most random day off, but hey. Any day out of school is wonderful. Today wasn't that bad though. I was just a wee bit bored and sleeply. I think lunch was the most interesting part of the day. We were talking about taking baths in hand sanitizer. Yeah... lol. It was guys against girls on that one. *rolls eyes* I'm so so happy!!!! John and I talked again. And he still likes me!!! We're not going out. Not yet anyway. I hope we will. I'm just so happy!!!! Current Mood: happy Current Music: none (Comment on this)
Monday, February 25th, 2008
9:40 pm	putting things into perspective It's real funny. I was upset early about some things. Little things, trival things, things that easily bounced off my shoulders. But then I talked to Heather. She was telling about some of the things that happened to her. And what she's going through now. And it completely opened my eyes. All this small stuff that happens, cause there's so much bigger stuff out there to get you. I'm hoping and praying for you Heather. =] Things will be ok. I don't really want to complain because well...there's no point. School wasn't that bad despite a few things. Time moves sooo slowly at school though. I just noticed today after being home all last week. I didn't do much the day was snappy. It didn't drag on and on and on and on. Well that's it really. I got some homework to finish and I'm watching Raisin in the Sun, the new version with Puff Daddy (I refuse to call him Diddy lol.) Current Mood: sympathetic Current Music: Raisin in the Sun (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 23rd, 2008
10:48 pm	things i realized today. I'll just list them because honestly, it's getting late, watching american gangster, and well, i don't feel like going into details. This is in no apparent order 1. American Gangster slighly dissapointed me. 2. Suicide is dumb 3. People do the stupidest stuff to get attention 4.Maybe I should give love a chance 5. Love never goes away 6. Some people are just plain ignorant. 7.Sometimes you have to let people fall for them to learn Current Mood: calm Current Music: American gangster (Comment on this)
Friday, February 22nd, 2008
10:08 pm	inspired I watched Hendrix for the second time and I already knew, but I must say again, Jimi Hendrix was amazing. And he got screwed over. His thought pattern was soo amazing. The good always die young ♥ Current Mood: impressed Current Music: none (Comment on this)