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Friday, October 18th, 2002

    Time Event
    10:00a
    *deep sigh*



    hey, this is my first entry at this site. i have another journal, but too many people i know have the address to it, and i just want to start fresh in a new place, where i dont have to worry about what i say and who might find it.

    i have a had a bad time the past few months...last year i was offered the chance to get out of my questionable living situation with my mom, and move with my much more stable dad. unfortunatly, that decision would mean having to move away from my girlfriend, my best friend, my muse, and the person i love most on this earth, EMILY. and despite my love for emily, i took that chance, and moved from illinois to california. and here i am. and i am in a better living situation for sure, and i could be happy here, but i am not. why? because i miss emily. terribly. every moment of every day. and i havent seen her for six months. and i wont see her again until christmas. and i have realized the obvious, me and emily will not be able to withstand another year apart. and if we did, we would both be a wreck. so i have decided that i need to move back to illinois this summer. and i cant wait. but, i have not told my dad yet. he will be crushed, and that is the reason i choose to NOT tell him every time i have the chance.

    and i am lonely out here. not in the sense of being truely alone, i have met quite a few great people, but i am lonely in the sense that i dont have emily here with me. and lately my loneliness has gotten the best of me, and i am beginning to grow more and more unhappy each and every day, and my grades are slipping, and i want a release more and more. i am thinking about turning to drugs more and more. and i talked to emily, and she is terribly upset by this. now i dont want to become a crack addict! but isnt that the crack addicts famous last words? and my intention would be to do it a little. and emilys arguement is that everyone says that, and no one does. and i fear that that may be true, but it makes me want to try it no less. and i am confused. and i am lonely. and i am depressed. and i feel like i am aa. and you probably do too.

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