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Lemon's Journal

7th April, 2004. 10:23 pm. its never enough

god, so many things said today should hurt but the truth is that only one did. i had to try so hard to hold back from crying. thank god now i can let it all out. ::shakes head as a tear rolls down::
today i was giving ron a back massage because he said it hurt and he was trying to get me to punch it. and i told him that i couldnt do that to him no matter how much he wanted me to, and he replies pretend its not me, pretend it's amanda's boyfriend aka him. i couldnt believe that such words wold ever seep through his lips. i dont know why i cant just stop loving him. when he's not around, i feel so incomplete. and when he is, i always feel not good enough. but that's what i am. im not pretty, im not smart, not funny, not even the slitest bit cute. she's so much better than me. she's beautiful, smart, cute, funny, easy to talk to, damn near perfect.
i want someone to love me. lindsey use to. i guess that why i dragged him on the side for so long. it sounds mean, but he made me feel like i was worth something, he gave me hope, maybe that someday i would be able to have just that one person that i love so much. his love is what got me through my many depressed years and now im turning my back on him. i feel like a piece of shit. worthless. theres nothing to me anymore. nothing but ron, which is everything, but at the same time, he'll never be mine. he's leaving us all soon, i'll never have with him again what i have now. he's the first guy that ive let get this close to me. the first person. im afraid...with reason. i know im gonna loose him, no matter what he says. god if i were her. ide never be depressed. never a tear would fall from my face. she has the world....by just having him. i just wish she could see.
i dont have anyone else. dont want anyone else. je-ez what's wrong with you nena? i wish i had the answers. but thats just it. i have no answers. nothing.

Current mood: drained.
Current music: sometimes i cry.

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8th February, 2004. 8:39 pm. ron and amanda

what the fuck is wrong with me??? i'll always be second best. he's never even mat her face to face. god this is soo fucking confusing! he's my best friend and he tells me that i'm his. he doesnt mean to keep falling and doing shit with me...but he's just "utterly attracted to me, and it's not just the sex, it's me as a whole"...yeah ok, i'll believe that one day. the day that she shows up here and i dont exsist anymore. either way i loose. i fell for him way too hard. but the thing is that it feels all too right when i'm with him. but i guess that's just it, my love is blind...it's feels right when it's wrong. i try to be supportive of him and amanda. i'm just about the only person who is. i would die anyday for either of them. but i'm not one to even try and tear people apart. that's just not me. and what me and ron are doing is wrong but at the same time, him and amanda's situtaion is so far fetched that it's like a dream, you never know if it's going to happen, all you can do is sit and wait. and let destiny decide what's right. the waiting is the worst. maybe i'm just too fucked up mentally. i know that i'm not pretty, i know that i can never be someones dream. it just sucks to have a taste of what could be, but never will....you'de be the perfect secret if i could just keep you.

Current mood: down.
Current music: closure, chevelle.

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26th January, 2004. 11:10 pm. numb

i feel like nothing. nothing matters anymore...no one....except for him and even he is leaving me here empty. these tears wont stop falling down my painted face. there are no fronts anymore. even those have left me. this sharp burning pain wont seem to fade and no one seems to mind. i dont want to cry. i'm tired of something in my life always hurting me. i use to hurt myself just so that when others did i couldnt feel it. i wish i could...but at this point i'm even too weak for that. i just want to curl up in the corner of my little world cut, cry, and dry up numb. nothing else helps. nothing remains but this scared body of mine. people look at me with confusion. if only they could see that inside i am dieing. i thought that i had killed this part of me a long time ago. but i am yet to learn that it is only the evil in life that never dies. everything else turns black...fades away, and is left forgotten. all i have left is memories and i'm not even sure if those are worth the hurt they bring. you are my wound that will never heal...never scar...never let me forget...never fade away...but a pain that will never fade.

Current mood: crushed.
Current music: breath no more.

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23rd January, 2004. 12:24 am. i'm back

ok well i have a new xanga and i dont know....there is just some shit that i have to write in this one because certain people read the other one.
this isnt fair!!! but i guess it never was. i'll always be second best. josh told me what he said the other day and to tell you truth, it made me feel better but at the same time, it didnt make anything better. it just proved what what was in the back of my mind. josh was talking to be today, and was like "this might sound mean, but he's moved on, so you need to" jeremy asked me out today, and i told him that i would think about it. people just dont get it, they dont get me. i dont know why i would expect them to when i never give them the chance to get to know me. sometimes i just wish that there was someone that could relate to me. no one can. they wont even try. i dont want to poor out my pain on anyone else either. now my problem really isnt ron. it's myself....although actually having someone to talk to would be nice....yeah good luck nena. my hair problem is getting worse everyday....it hurts...i dont know how much more i can take of it. seriously it is killing me...once again. i dont care if it doesnt anyone. they dont know what's really going on with me. it bothers me.
and the thing with jeremy....i'm not turning him down because of ron. i know that i'll never have ron. that's not my problem. my problem is with guys in general...relationships...you name it. i'm not made for any of it. people sit there and say that in your life time you will only have one soul mate....but even if you do find them, how are you suppose to know??? i'm tired of looking for someone. i'm tired of needing someone and having no one. i dont know what is wrong with me.
i just wish everyone would fuck off! they try and tell me to get over ron, they think that he is what is holding me back from starting new relationships. but that's not the case, and then they start talking shit to me about him thinking that it will "help me" or whatever, but they just piss me off! he's not an asshole!!! i just wish everyone could see, but it's not like it would make a difference. WORD TO EVERYONE: i'll probably never be over him, but that isnt going to stop me from living my life.
i hate to admit it...i'm addicted to the down side of life. it's like your favorite drug, no matter how hard you try to get off of it, it's just your escape. that's me being alone. i'm use to it. never really had someone there to steadily show love anyway. i'm beginning to question what love is anyway. i'de die for just about anyone, so that cant be it. i'de give up everything for someone else just as long as they dont have to live in my pain. i'll give the world to anyone as long as they are in need and it would benifit them. and yet i dont love anyone. i love very few. myself not included. i love my brother chris for leaving a part of his life, his father (something he always wanted) to come see me and be a part of my life. he showed me that miles are nothing when it comes to family and love. he hasnt always been here with me, but he will always be remembered. then there is my "family" this family doesnt consist of blood, but of the people i hold closest to me, and the people i know i can always run to. i love you all (Ron, Josh, Fallon, and Amanda) never forgotten. andy ( my older brother) i love you though it never seems to show. you came back to me, when i was near death, you saved me. when it was just us, you took me under your wing, protected me. and i know that we have always faught, and probably always will. just know that i'll always be here for you and i care. ok well thats all i have. buh bye

Current mood: awake.
Current music: evanescence.

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26th December, 2003. 11:20 am. New journal

i have a new journal so i wont be writing in this one anymore....if you want the address, ask me......just maybe i might give it to you. actually i'm only going to give it to two people, besides my brother that already knows it. alrighty. well i'll talk to you all later. see ya- Nena

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25th December, 2003. 7:08 pm. christmas can kiss my ass

it's christmas...... :\ enough said. nothing in my day really went that well. i did get two phone calls though. anti's mom called me to wish me a merry christmas and to tell me to stop by her house tomorrow for my second gift. i hate it when people give me stuff for holidays. why should they. and for every gift i get i have to give one.... some people i dont mind giving to and buy for anyways, but not everyone.
i really miss everyone back in florida right now. and i have all day. amanda called me and that's about it. but that is enough. just shows who really cares. and yeah ron called earlier today and told me to call him when i got back from my grandparents house and he would stop by but i just got the answering machine.
i got the first jack off jill cd today. i love it, i use to have it before i left from florida but i lost it in the move, but yeah i have it again. besides that my day completely sucked. not any one elses fault. it would just help if no one was near me. i dont know what it is but it just seems like every christmas is just depressing and fucked up. i've just become too fucking numb to the holidays.
i just got off the phone with ron adn he told me that he looks really preppy right now....lol....i wish i could see that. i just cant picture him preppy. so yeah that's all i have to say right now. edwin just stopped in so i have to go. hope ya'lls day is going or went better than mine. love you all ( i think i do?!) lol -nEnA

Current mood: amused.
Current music: sUpeR SadIsT, jAck oFF JilL.

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24th December, 2003. 1:53 pm.

well i got woken up at 6 this morning....::mom yelling:: damn all of you!!! and then i had to get up and deal with my annoying little cunt of a sister, because she wants what she wants when she wants it and if she doesnt get it all hell breaks loose.....and when i remind her that she's not in her kingdom right now and she needs to get the fuck over her little "daddy's princess" additute, i get screamed at..... boo to the fucking hoo, she's not in her little daddy's world right now. he's a fucking asshole anyways...oh yeah but i tend to forget he only treats me like that because i'm not biologically his. and even sammi told me yesturday that he would hate me even more if he knew what i am like.....now what the fuck is that suppose to mean?!! just put it this way....he wants me to be everything and i mean absolutely everything that i cant be, wont be, and am not. it doesnt even fucking matter anymore. i got the fuck out of his house, he should be happy and i hope he rots in the deapest depths of hell (if hell even really exsists) doubt it. and i know for a fact that my brother agrees with me 100% on this whole Jeff thing.
but on a better note......i got a new straightener.....i dont know what hair i'm gonna use it on, but hey its all good. and that brings me to another subject. i'm going to try my hardest to grow everything out completely, my hair with this new grow shit (formula-shampoo shit), my eyebrows (well normal size), my nails (longer is better)....wow well that didnt come out right......you guys know what i mean. yeah i cant hate myself all the time. and my hair is the worst. i hate myself for it! i should be able to control it....but i'm not and people piss me off, because all they see is the outside and they think that i cut it this way and just jump to conclusions on who i am when they dont know me at all. i would never in a million years even think about cutting my hair like this EVER! well yeah so i think that this will help me with my whole doctor diagnosed "depression issue" they need to get a fucking clue. that's probably why i'm gonna become one.....it actually makes a lot of sence. i know why i hate them and why they piss me off and by knowing that and being thorugh all of that shit, it would be nice to knwo were all these people come from and try and help them, and change the way some think about "shrinks" lol yeah i'm sure that makes a lot of sence.....plus my mom always said that i would be good at it. but lately i'm not so sure....with the way that my friends tend to give me all these phychological talks when i dont really understand them... (you know exaclty who you are). well enough of my rambling about shit.... i'll update the next time i have shit worth saying/thinking/screaming/.....well you get my drift. buh bye

Current mood: blah.
Current music: shitty shitty punk metal.

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22nd December, 2003. 8:08 pm. no title today.....Amanda

today was going really cool and all good untill about 10 minutes ago. i got online and went to go im MY amanda and i got an im back telling me that she is extremely sick. i mean i talked with her on the phone a couple times last week and she was getting better, but one thing to know about manda, when she gets sick she doesnt get better for a long long long time and it just kills me because they were talking about how she might have to go back into the hospital like last week but this time untill she gets better. but they hospital never seems to be able to help her. it really scares me but i cant do anything to help. and i just wish that i could be there and help her, hold her, dammit i miss her so fucking much! she was always there for me.... we were like unseparable... i remember sitting on her couch and watching her come down off of morphine and it was the worst. it looked like she was dieing, and after she was just laying there helpless. i really wish that she would try and get off of everything, she's so fucking fragile, inside and out if you know what i mean but she puts on this front to be strong and always tries to put herslef last and help everyone else, but she's killing herself. i cant wait until spring break.......i think for real i'm gonna go down to florida since she's coming up here for the summer, and i'm gonna go down there and spend the whole break with her. it's just like a long trip down memory lane talking with her.....the times with alix....by the way we have to do that shit again it was awesome....just be careful mander now we wouldnt want my alix trying to rape you now would we???? lol........not like you ever said no, anyways. but yeah so the rest of my day was just spent in pain from my jaw, sleeping (didnt mean to for so long), online, talking to lace, watching tv and hanging out with the coolest friends i have (ron and josh)..... they are so fuckin funny, it's like there is just no way you can keep a straight face if your hanging out with them, there is just no way. and we all know that i still like ron, but it's just really cool now because being friends is so much easier than what we were doing. and it's more fun to tell you the truth, everyone now is just always goofing off and shit. and another funny thing is that looking back a lot of shit that we all did was sooo fucking hilarious....we all laugh about it. but yeah it's all good. well i'll update another time when i actually have shit worth saying that makes sence. and to my mander, take care, we all love you here......and try not to do anything stupid, and even then i still love you...hehehe.... and to lace- my future wife.....hehehe whatever you want babes.. (you know what i mean) :) and to everyone else..... love you all (mander, lace, ron, willy) and even you josh...heheheh, even though you thought that i was an ass when you met me........he's a cool friend...and i'm not an ass.....just a BITCH.....lol. well i'll tty all later or tomorrow or maybe the next day...put it this way..i dont know..whenever the fuck i feel like it. see ya! -nEnA

Current mood: worried.
Current music: the sound of silence (yes it's a real song).

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22nd December, 2003. 7:49 am.

DisorderRating
Paranoid:Very High
Schizoid:Very High
Schizotypal:High
Antisocial:High
Borderline:Very High
Histrionic:Moderate
Narcissistic:Low
Avoidant:High
Dependent:High
Obsessive-Compulsive:High

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

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21st December, 2003. 10:46 am. better day

today is a better day.....i think, well so far it is. my sis is out with my parents picking up my other step sis and my brother is still asleep. i just got done cleaning the house and am still blasting my "hick" music.
omg it was soo funny, yesturday night when my sis first got in my friend ron came over with this makeup on and omg he was scaring the shit out of her....even when he was just sitting there... it was great!!!! that's what friends are for.....lol.
last night at dinner i was talking to my family and my little sister mentioned how ron looked like one of the guys from icp and for so long i thought that it was my mom that was afraid of clowns and come to find out it's my dad. ever since gacy he has been deathly afraid of clowns....he was like " i hate them, they weird me the fuck out, even the nice ones" and all i could do is laugh.
then i was talking to amanda on line earlier today and she was telling me how she use to be deathly afraid of clowns and even when she first starded listening to icp but now she's fine with them and then how she is scared to all shit of santa....now that one i can agree with... who isnt afraid of santa?!? why do you think the little kids start screaming and crying when they sit on his lap.....lol.. well my step sis and sis just got back so i'll update later...buh-bye

Current mood: dorky.
Current music: garth brooks "the country life" ....lol.

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