Blurty for buried in mangled flesh....

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Thursday, July 22nd, 2004

Subject:FALL OUT BOY
Time:12:11 pm.
Mood: aggravated.
Music:FALL OUT BOY - Chicago is so Two Years Ago.
my heart is on my sleeve
wear it like a bruise or blackeye
my badge, my witness
that means that i believed
every single lie you said (and learned from the best)

cause every pain of glass that your pebbles tap negates
the pains i went through to avoid you
and every little pat on the shoulder for attention fails to mention i still hate you

but there's a light on in chicago
and i know i should be home
all the corners of the street signs..
they remind me of the pickup truck out in front of your neighbor's house

she took me down and said:
"boy's like you are overrated. so save your breath."
loaded words and loaded friends
are loaded guns to our heads

cause every pain of glass that your pebbles tap
negates the pains i went through to avoid you
and every little pat on the shoulder for attention fails to mention i still hate you

but there's a light on in chicago
and i know i should be home
all the corners of the street signs..
they remind me of the pickup truck out in front of your neighbor's house

you want apologies
girl, you might hold your breath
until your breathing stops forever, forever
the only thing you'll ever get
is this curse on your lips:
i hope they taste of me forever

but there's a light on in chicago
and i know i should be home
all the corners of the street signs..
they remind me of the pickup truck out in front of your neighbor's

with every breath i wish your body will be broken again
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.

Subject:FALL OUT BOY
Time:12:10 pm.
my heart is on my sleeve
wear it like a bruise or blackeye
my badge, my witness
that means that i believed
every single lie you said (and learned from the best)

cause every pain of glass that your pebbles tap negates
the pains i went through to avoid you
and every little pat on the shoulder for attention fails to mention i still hate you

but there's a light on in chicago
and i know i should be home
all the corners of the street signs..
they remind me of the pickup truck out in front of your neighbor's house

she took me down and said:
"boy's like you are overrated. so save your breath."
loaded words and loaded friends
are loaded guns to our heads

cause every pain of glass that your pebbles tap
negates the pains i went through to avoid you
and every little pat on the shoulder for attention fails to mention i still hate you

but there's a light on in chicago
and i know i should be home
all the corners of the street signs..
they remind me of the pickup truck out in front of your neighbor's house

you want apologies
girl, you might hold your breath
until your breathing stops forever, forever
the only thing you'll ever get
is this curse on your lips:
i hope they taste of me forever

but there's a light on in chicago
and i know i should be home
all the corners of the street signs..
they remind me of the pickup truck out in front of your neighbor's

with every breath i wish your body will be broken again
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, May 29th, 2004

Time:11:41 pm.
Measure me in metered lines
And one decisive stare
The time it takes to get from here to there
My ribs that show through t-shirts
And these shoes I got for free
I'm unconsoled
I'm lonely
I am so much better than I used to be
Terrified of telephones
And shopping malls and knives
Drowning in the pools of other lives
Rely a bit too heavily
On alcohol and irony
Get clobbered on by courtesy
In love with love and lousy poetry
And I'm leaning on this broken fence
Between past and present tense
And I'm losing all those stupid games
That I swore I'd never play
But it almost feels okay
Circumnavigate this body
Of wonder and uncertainty
Armed with every precious failure
And amature cartography
I'm breathing deep before
I spread those maps out on my bedroom floor
And I'm leaning on this broken fence
Between past and present tense
And I'm losing all those stupid games
That I swore I'd never play
But it feels okay
And I'm leaving with goodbye
And I'm losing but I'll try
With the last ways left
To remember sing
My imperfect offering
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, May 23rd, 2004

Time:10:35 pm.
The Luckiest
I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Monday, May 3rd, 2004

Time:6:29 pm.
There's something happening here
What it is ain't exactly clear
There's a man with a gun over there
Telling me I got to beware
I think it's time we stop, children, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down

There's battle lines being drawn
Nobody's right if everybody's wrong
Young people speaking their minds
Getting so much resistance from behind
I think it's time we stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down

What a field-day for the heat
A thousand people in the street
Singing songs and carrying signs
Mostly say, hooray for our side
It's time we stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down

Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep
It starts when you're always afraid
You step out of line, the man come and take you away

We better stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down
Stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down
Stop, now, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down
Stop, children, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, April 29th, 2004

Time:10:46 pm.
it will take so much more than these spitfire words
it would take miles of blazing shorelines
to make me forget about you

maybe its what i need to do.
i need to forget your smile.
i need to forget the way you tickle me.

how do i lose you without tears?
how can i give you up without the pain?

you don't deserve me
you never did
you aren't worth my time

so why can't i just give up?
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, April 25th, 2004

Time:5:49 pm.
Our mistakes are scrawled upon the chalkboard. They're scribed across stained glass. They're posted on the billboards, a lackluster charade. And are we so na?ve to concede these forefathers. Apparently we are. Well, apparently it's true. Theres no slot machines past the pearly gates. Why do we kid ourselves. We grow old and wise; we just lose our minds. The dinner is a hit, the guests are full of spirits. They gather around the husband - he's versed in party tricks. The wife is in the bedroom smearing her make-up, make-up, make it up. But she's got a lover on the side. Motels, cheap wine. She says, "You can't base love off the pity fuck, unless they've got a lot of money." Cause it's that we play cause we need to exist. We're not humans - we're citizens. It's the one on the ground with his hands on his heart. It's the cleavage of division. It's all jagged and jaded., but it suits us. We just fake it through.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, April 23rd, 2004

Subject:this makes me laugh...
Time:10:34 pm.
emo love is matching sweaters. him pushing up your glasses when they slide off your nose. a phonecall from him in which he cries to you about how much he misses you. calling each other dorks and geeks as terms of endearment. going thrifting together. crying in each others arms over sad things on the news. telling each other about the best bands no one's heard of. writing notes to each other about how much you miss them. missing them. slow dancing to weezer songs. sharing cds. him being convinced you'll leave him for rivers. you telling him that he's too much of a genius to want to come near you. singing along to the get up kids together. not being able to live without their scent. making mix tapes for each other every week and listening to them in the car on the way to shows. talking about starting a real sunny day real estate agency. him kissing your fingers after you hurt yourself with the sewing machine. sewing patches on your shirts together. reciting song lyrics when he's mad at you. his inability to be mad at you for more than five minutes. stealing each others words. trying to read his mind through his eyes. getting lost on the way to a show and crying together about it. fighting over who's the bigger loser. baking cookies together. eating more of it before they go in the oven. getting tummyaches and laying on the couch together. falling asleep in each others arms. waking up and thinking it was a dream. playing him his favorite jimmy song on an acoustic guitar. having all your friends take pictures of you and not having any for yourselves. joking about your emotional wedding, knowing deep down you're both being serious. him telling you you're not allowed to break his heart because he'd cry forever. talking about the real meaning of the song apple trees by ozma. sending letters through the mail even though you live in the same neighborhood. publishing them in a zine together. leaving secret song lyric messages in your profiles for each other. being each other's life and forgetting you have other friends. telling him about when you had your heart broken and him threatening to find your ex and kick his ass, even though he knows he'd lose. him running an errand and making a pit stop at your house, even though its out of his way. or he falls head over heels for the girl, and the girl could care less about him. he joins a band, sings about her, still doesn't get her. only dreams about her. and finally, writing songs that challenge chris carraba's when he breaks your heart. 
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Wednesday, April 21st, 2004

Time:9:53 pm.
http://www.johnkerryisadouchebagbutimvotingforhimanyway.com/
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, April 20th, 2004

Time:9:23 pm.
this might be my last entry for a while, at least about my personal stuff. it's gotten to the point that i have mindless rumors and lies made up abuot me. i don't want to care whats being said, but it's starting to affect my daily life. if i do make an entry about personal things, i'll make it private.

ok, done with that.
so today i went shopping with lizz. got a cute watch, a white cami, two pairs of bummy shorts and two belts at pac sun. went i went into fye today i didn't see this there or i would of bought it. i am definately picking it up next trip. i might order it tonight with my mom's credit card and just pay her the 6 bucks.

i feel alot better today than i did yesterday. i am glad that i have the supportive people in my life that i do, like alyssa, alex, britt, matt and lizz.
Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.

Monday, April 19th, 2004

Subject:I'll take another twenty pills
Time:9:42 pm.
Mood: drained.
Music:Mae // This Is The Last Time.
i fucking hate this town. i hate having to go to the hell hole of a school everyday and be the center of idle gossip for the pathetic people who think that by hearing rumors about me and reading this then they know me. i guess i'm so suicidal. i guess i slice open my wrists in the bathroom. its so fucking sad that i'm gone from thursday until sunday and as soon as i get to school today i had about ten people told me that in my choices class on friday that the whole class sat and talked about me. from what i heard it was mostly heather and emily. it just so fucking mature and grown up to act like that and say shit about me in class. i ended up confronting my entire class today and NOT ONE of them would admit it. heather said i don't care or some shit like that and mrs andrie just told me to sit down. i ended up going to the office and talking to mr. raymond, who said i wasn't in trouble or anything and he'd get down to the bottom of this.

i don't even know why i fucking bother to think that people aren't assholes. i'm fucking sick of fucking dealing with high school drama and bullshit. people think they know me because they hear rumors, or they read my journal. yea i write the truth in here, but it's not even HALF of whats really going on. no one knows the truth about me other than me. i don't understand how shit that isn't even realistic and true can become the center of some class discussion. even better that the teacher can sit there and not interfere.
i guess if your different or honest you deserve to get persecuted.


christy and brittany are the two girls left at my school who i want to associate with and confide in. i want to keep their friendships. those are the girls who will keep me sane throughout high school. maybe it sounds bitchy of me to say, but i don't really think that anyone else cares to be my friend anymore..or atl east be as close as i once was with those people.
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.

Sunday, April 18th, 2004

Subject:It's so hard to see when your eyes are rolling in the back of your head
Time:8:11 pm.
Mood: weird.
Music:Most Precious Blood // The Great Red Shift.
i got back from harrisburg maybe 45 minutes ago? it was a shitty trip. a few good things, but the rest just blew. i think matt and I had a little too much together time, we got pissy with eachother a few times and i got into one of my major jealous moods because of two little eighth grade girls. everything else between us was great. alot of cuddling and cuteness. i missed that stuff <3 i also went and looked at gauges at the hot topic in the mall we went to the first night of our trip, but i decided to wait until my mom can come with me. i bought a cute new purse for four bucks and some swell compilation cds. i FINALLY got the rocky horror punk show, and also got hello we are the militia group, punk vs emo and the AMP hardcore cd. i got the march/april amp too, and im a geek who's pumped because it was all like 30 bucks.

but when i got home... my mom told me that she'd picked up a job application for me, And that we'll be flying to st louis this summer for my uncles surprise birthday party, as well as the beach in august. i am so excited. i am also nervous. i started to fill out the application for the job and it's all messy and fucked up and i know ill choke tommorrow when i go for my interview.

my back is sore from the bus rides this weekend. i didn't sleep much this weekend, and melissa *who i roomed with* was really sick. i am about 90% sure i'll get sick too.


all i want is a good nights sleep and to not be so fucking sore and achey.





Every Time I Die // I've Been Gone A Long Time
What we're doing is so wrong, and what you're wearing is so right (it's so tight).
But I've never felt better so I'm going out to get her and I don't care what set of wheels I steal to get there.
Balance is a minor setback.
What she thinks is all right, and the way she looks is just fine.
She sure as hell ain't you, but lord knows she'll have to do.
She don't know I'm alive but neither do I so there's nothing left to lose.
If I could only make it make you want to want me. One more drink, I think, should do.
I wish that I could say I love to watch you walk away, but you probably
won't be back in time to hear it.
So it's just as well. No one out there gets back in alive.
So I'll love the way you stand so close to a guy who we both know can't get near it.
Strike when ready. Burn the highway down.
Let me hear her high heels moan. I'm ready, set, go.
There's cocaine in the key that took us from the bar to her car to the bedroom.
Only the lonesome love us. Only the careless can handle us. What's wrong
with us that we're so unamused?
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, April 14th, 2004

Subject:sure its lonely but it's sane
Time:3:31 pm.
Mood: nervous.
Music:Nightmare Of You - No Uniform Is Gonna Keep You Warm.
last night was dashboard & nightmare of you. nightmare of you was really great, sounded kind of like the strokes and saves the day. chris from dashboard just ended up performing solo and it wasnt too bad. i liked one of his new songs that he's only been playing at shows called "i need a sure thing". after the show we met him too. i felt like a complete idiot because i went with carolyn, ashley maday, tiffany white and morgan costello and they are like the perfect, happy, skinny girls.

i leave for harrisburg tommorrow.
Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.

Time:3:22 pm.
:: better off alone ::

tell me how to begin to think of you as a friend,
a place that i didn't put you in
the choice was all yours to make, the chance that you couldn't take
and now it's gotten under your skin

so im asking you again

do you believe its really better to be alone now
waiting for something else?
trying to find what you need, someone much better than me
to love you, because you don't love yourself.

wondering just what went bad, the things you wanted, you had
i guess that i just don't understand.
worried how i'd react, so you began to pull back
when things didn't go just as you planned.

so i'm asking you again.

do you believe its really better to be alone now
waiting for something else?
trying to find what you need, someone much better than me
to love you, because you don't love yourself.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, April 12th, 2004

Subject:all alone is all we are
Time:6:01 pm.
matt walked over today. we had a long talk. alot of yelling, and crying. I realized that in all in faults i love him. he's hurt me so much, but i'm a lovesick moron and i still love him. i'm not back together with him right now, and i won't be for a while but i think it will happen. he promised he'd change, so if things get better maybe it will work out. i know alot of people think i'm an idiot for even thinking of giving him a second chance, and they're right. but i love him. i can't just make that go away and have that feeling be forgotten. maybe if we don't get back together its for the best.
i called alex last night while he was in virginia and talked to him about it. i am so glad he listened to me, even if he thinks i'm making dumb choices. he also asked me a good question a few minutes ago....
InkAndDagger7946: are you willing to give what you seemed to have convinced yourself to be the anti christ in almost one night or so it seemed a second chance at something that always ends.. although the time between is very pleasureable.

i'm a complete idiot and i truely think that he can change and treat me better. the chances are i'm wrong, but he deserves a second chance.
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Time:10:05 am.
Jets To Brazil // "Starry Configurations"

starry configurations am just a receiver
divine recombinations am just a recordist
receptionist - unhappy medium
receptionist - unhappy medium
excellent accommodations am just a bellboy
beautiful surroundings am just some gravel
or peat moss, what have you
or peat moss, what have you now?
why must you treat me like you do?
don't you know it's all for you
dear infatuation, you do not see me
die here beside you in see-through obscurity
governess, fancy less, we'll sound the alarm
and drum up some simpleton for you
to eat these apples from your eyes
emptiness fills room
your love's bud goes full bloom
you don't love me
aren't thinking of me
why am I waiting for you to see I'm alive
storybook ending am just a ledger
hardly worth a mention or the paper
it's written on and cried upon
and kissed once by wax
but still you treat me like you do
with everything I've done for you
striking like a bird of prey along your notepad now
the only year that turns your way
my dear diary: it's just you and me tonight
you don't love me
aren't thinking of me
you don't love me
aren't thinking of me tonight
why am I waiting for you to see I'm alive







-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i want to sleep for a thousand years and never wake up. i want to let all of the poisonous blood in my body that made me think he loved me drain away. i don't want to hurt like this. i don't know why i am so fucking stupid and i fucking thought i wouldn't get hurt again.
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Sunday, April 11th, 2004

Time:11:43 pm.
matt and I broke up.

I don't want anyone to pity me or feel bad. i still care very much for him, but i know he didn't care for me as much or maybe just not the same way. i know this is better than putting up with stupid bullshit. but i still feel like shit and i know i will for a long time. i don't know that i will date anyone again for a long, long time. I wish that i could say that after everything between us we would still be friends, but i don't know if he would want that. i woulkd like to say that maybe we could also still date again someday down the road, but once again i don't know if he'd want that.

i gave my mom two of my razorblades.
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.

Saturday, April 10th, 2004

Time:9:15 pm.
You are hurting and shoving
Hurting And Shoving

What Glassjaw song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Congrats! You are Thrice!
You are Thrice!! Your lyrics show a lot of
emotional pain. Lots of it. The only reason
people would cry at your lyrics is at jealousy,
since they certainly can't beat yours.
Beautiful and darkly good.

What Emo Band Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

you're so hardcore.
hardcore

-- What Type of Rocker Are You? --
brought to you by Quizilla

converge
You are Converge. You are so pissed off at
previous relationships and you want everyone to
feel your pain. You make peoples ears bleed
and that makes you feel better.

What crazy screamo band are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Op Iv
Operation Ivy! Yay! You're anti-war!

What Ska Band Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:blackberry grape fuze tastes awesome
Time:7:50 pm.
Mood: sleepy.
Music:Catch 22 // Giving Up, Giving In.
today turned out pretty good. went shopping and got alot of stuff for under $60 so i'm excited. a dress, skirt, shirt, black tweed blazer, tan shirt,red cute heels, red maroonish cord jacket, two bracelets and one for britt and black eyeliner. my chest size is officially a c cup now so i made tami take me to k mart for two new bras. i hate to admit it, but all of my other b cups were geting so small that there was that weird four boob look going on. i also looked at some gauges but the smallest i found to start out at was an 8, and josh is going to get them for me at fye for 2 bucks inside of ten. i only want to gauge to an eight, so i need to find something smaller, like a 12 or 14 first before i try to put those in. i've also decided, for about the tenth time what i want my tattoo to be. a gothic black cross on the back of my neck, with intricate little designs on it. eventually i want the skull and heart alk3 symbol somewhere as well as the drama masks. i don't think i want any of mine in color, i like the look of black on flesh. at the mall there was this little body jewelry stand with belly button rings and some labret and eyebrow stuff too. i found this fucking awesome skeleton for my bellt button, and the legs and arms move and dangle. i was thinking of letting it grow shut before because i've kind of grown out of it but i'm glad i didn't because this skeleton is fucking cool.

i was supposed to hang out with christy today, but when i called her this morning before i went shopping she wasn't home, so i talked to her mom and told her to just have christy call the cell. well she didn't call, and i wasn't home until like four. she didn't call my house either so who knows. i hope she's not mad at me, because shes someone who i'm really growing into a great friendship with. i wouldn't want to jeopardize that in anyway.

last night turned out to be ok, besides donald shutting my hand in matt's car door. my fucking right hand is bruised and swollen. i snapped at donald for it, and it wasn't really as if he meant to. i'm just a big bitch i guess.

matt , donald and I did end up stopping by tyler's party for a few minutes but we were all pretty bored, and i felt completely uncomfortable there. i only talked to deanna, alyse, louis, carolyn and heidi. i don't think anyone else even noticed that i was there. being at social functions like that makes me want to curl up in a hole and never come out. i don't fit into that "scene" of people or the "scene" of teenage popularity in the first place. i thought it was pretty rude that tyler didn't even say hi to me, especially since it was him who invited me and i did end up pretty much wasting five dollars by giving to a kid who doesn't even say hi to me. or at least not when prettier, happier girls are around. I've realized how everyones changed and is still changing. some for the better, some for the worse. myself for example, i think i'm just evolving gradually. nothing about myself really has changed rapidly. i've never been a social, outgoing girl, so that is something that obviously didn't change. i'm more negative and pessimistic. in some ways i hate the people in my life that caused me to have the experiences that have made like that. but also i would still be naive, and fragile. at least now i'm emotionally harder, or at least thats the facade i try to keep up.

i'm also really thinking about my past relationships with people. i'm sorry that some of them turned out the way they did, but i know i'm learning from the wreckage. i'm sorry for the wrongdoing that i've done to anyone who i've heard in my relationships. but i'm not sorry for the way things turned out because i've learned so much. without those experiences i wouldn't know now who matters, and who is always going to be there.

I'm starting to not eat again. i didn't eat anything today besides drinking this 18 ounce bottle of fuze and half of a diet coke. i'm not doing it for the thinness. i know i'll never be skinny, pretty or beautiful. i just need to know i have a sense of control over something. i don't know how long this will last, if anything it's a feeble attempt at a fast. tommorrow i'll have so much pressure on me to eat that i'll cave in. if that does happen i don't want to punish myself by cutting, but i know more than likely i will. i will want a constant reminder of why i need to learn self control.
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.

Friday, April 9th, 2004

Subject:are you even real? do you think we'll ever figure it out?
Time:11:03 am.
Mood: uncomfortable.
Music:Against Me! // Pints Of Guiness Make You Strong.
I would definately be in bed right now if i didn't have to get ready to go with matt and his family. i'm missing tyler's birthday party tonight, but I wasn't really that excited about it in the first place so oh well.

today I'm feeling really, really down on myself about my body and such. Issues, man, issues. It doesn't help that all of my friends are gorgeous and, as someone so eloquently put it, "hot as balls!" I just feel inadequate and plain compared to everyone. I've actually gained weight since working out more. I'm trying to lose weight and the "healthy" way but i can feel myself wanting to revert to my other behaviors.


and now a pointless survey...

1. What is your middle name?
Louise


2. If you had been born the other sex, did your parents tell you what your name would have been?
Micah or Cameron

3. Do you have children and if so, what are their names?


4. If you were to ever have a child or more children, what would you name them?
ophelia, xander, samuel, scarlett


5. Most people know their mother's maiden name, but do you know your grandmother's maiden name?
potz & laughton

6. Did you have an imaginary friend as a child?
I don't think so...

7. What was the name of your first pet?
clover and isobel

8. What was the name of the first person you ever kissed?
seth tassos, when i was 11.

9. What was the name of the school you attended as a child?
homer center elementary school

10. What was/is the name of your English teacher(s) in high school?
mrs parfitt, mr stepanik, ms. mastro, & mrs roust

11. Do you name your vehicles? What are the name(s)?
what vehicle?
Comments: Add Your Own.

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