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Thursday, May 1st, 2003

Subject:just some quizes cause im bored
Time:8:33 am.
Morty the Death's Head

PUNK GIRL! You've probably already got several tattoos. GET MORE. I highly recomend it. They're art that lasts a lifetime...or longer than your teen angst will....Though, you may have to wear%2
BITCH! Damn Punks!


Should YOU get a TATTOO? (for girls only)
brought to you by Quizilla
Comments: 2 wounds - make me bleed.

Tuesday, April 15th, 2003

Subject:im sooooooooo bored
Time:12:13 pm.
old school punk
YOU ARE OLD SCHOOL PUNK!

You are so anti-social you've become the talk of
the town. You used to spend all day riding on
your skateboard and growing your mohawk, but
now you are on to bigger dreams. Your ambitions
to spend your life strung out on drugs and to
spend a whole year with out a shower is really
taking off. From the Ramones to Bad Brains you
are the true punk fan. Indeed, you are the envy
of nobody, but the attention you get all the
time is well worth it. Its a dirty job, but
someones gotta do it.


What is your anti-conformist personality?
brought to you by Quizilla





your eyes show unhappiness


which eye are you?
brought to you by Quizilla



You see the world in Black
Black:
PEOPLE SUCK THE WORLD SUCKS EVERYBODY SHOULD BE
KILLED AND BLEED TO DEATH TILL THE COLD EARTH
SOAKS IN BLOOD. Well, you're angry at the
world. For reasons who knows, but you
definately hate life.


What color do you see the world in?
brought to you by Quizilla
Comments: make me bleed.

Tuesday, April 8th, 2003

Subject:www.blurty.com/users/hunger_hurts
Time:8:02 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:lisa marie presley.
I JUST WANNA DIE!!!! SOMEONE JUST SHOOT ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!! i feel like complete and utter crap!and im seriously thinking about just ending it right now....ill slit my wrist over dose on all the pills i could find and then hang myself...aww jesus that sounds so nice right now...ugh! who ever reads this im sorry that you have to put up with my whinning but hey its my journal and im just saying what i need to say...this is the only way i get things out....but seriously im a little worried about being alone tonight....cause i no im gonna do something stupid...and i wanted to go to beckies tonight so that i wouldnt be alone but my parents are retarted...

so sick of this shit
lyndsy
Comments: make me bleed.

Saturday, April 5th, 2003

Subject:i cant help it...
Time:5:43 pm.
Mood: hopeful.
Music:nothing the musics skipping.
its not fair...the way i am..its not fair...that i cant help it anymore....i dont do what i do to intentionally hurt people...i dont do it because i want to....i cant control it...and no one understands...they think i wanna get worse and i dont im trying to get better and i cant...and if no one notices well then they're not looking hard enough...i dont want this and everyone tells me i have to "work" with the pills and i am as hard as i can and i just break down from trying so hard and getting no results...im sorry for everything i put people threw but if you cant handle it or you get mad at me just stop caring so much...i really wont mind im used to it...thats all for now.ill post later when im at home...
falling to peices
lyndsy
Comments: make me bleed.

Tuesday, April 1st, 2003

Time:11:46 pm.
Mood: lonely.
deep...oh so deep...so dizzy...i could fit 2 fingers into one of the cuts...i love it....its soooo deep...i cut some kinda tube though...it scared me...but i guess im okay...feeling a little woozie though...i just couldnt handle it anymore though...it was like so many things were running threw my head...i was halusinating really really bad...and all those voices...i couldnt stop myself...i...i....i dont no...jay and beck are suposed to be coming to see me tomarrow...hopefully that'll cheer me up a little....but yeah those cuts definetly need stitches...but im certainly not saying anything to my parents about it...ugh...i wanna die...i feel like im gonna pass out so yeah im gonna go do that....
in need of a long hug
Comments: make me bleed.

Sunday, March 30th, 2003

Time:8:39 pm.
...so much to say so little time...ill update later...my brother wants to go on soon so im not even gonna bother to start a long update...
fat & ugly
Comments: make me bleed.

Wednesday, March 26th, 2003

Time:1:09 pm.


Comments: make me bleed.

Time:10:23 am.
Mood: bored.
When i kill myself i'll...
_blank



I Will Take my own life!.
After going through with your own well thought out version of columbine you finally turn the gun on yourself... the thick coat of brains and coagulated blood was a bitch to get off the auditorium wall. You sure showed them!
Find out how you will die, Take the Death Quiz now!



If i was a serial killer i would be Lizzy Borden.

Lizzy Borden, not by definition a serial killer, but a notorious killer nonetheless. One day as her father was napping on the living room sofa Lizzy Borden took an axe and hit her father's head with it repeatedly some where around 40 times, completely disfiguring his face into an unrecognizable mess of blood and gore. Almost immediately after Lizzy attacked her mother in her bedroom, again hitting her head with an axe over 40 times. Lizzie Borden took an axe,



And gave her father forty whacks.
And when she saw what she had done,
She gave her mother forty-one.



kill count: 2

Find what serial killer you would be, Take the Serial Killer Quiz now!



If i was a serial killer i would be Richard Ramirez.

The Night Stalker "a madman whose lust for killing and depravity equaled, if not surpassed, that of Jack the Ripper"



Over the course of a few months Richard Ramirez would go on to rape, sodomize and murder over 16 people in the Los Angles area. Viciously stabbing or shooting his victims, Ramirez would go as far as gouging out their eyes and stabbing their chests repeatedly to the point of complete mutilation. Basing his murders around satanic rituals,he would scrawl demonic pentagrams around the victims home's he would break into at random.



Kill count: 16

Find what serial killer you would be, Take the Serial Killer Quiz now!
Comments: make me bleed.

Time:9:38 am.
Mood: nervous.
Music:sum41.
i stayed home from school today...i cant stand being in school...i hate daylight...i hate people...and i hate school...and then i have to go to school where all of the things that im either scared of or hate are there...and no one understands...family and freinds get mad at me when i dont go to school...i get yelled at...and i get told that their dissapointed...i mean...i hate dissapointing people....but this really isnt my fault...and i wish they would just comfort me....instead of being angry at me....every things just getting so much worse....my halusinations are more often than they ever were before,and im hearing things more and more...and im scared...i cant even control my thoughts and body anymore....my burnings getting really bad too...i have 10 burns on my arm...and i cant stop doing it and then im cutting more too...and im just letting everyone down...i feel so worthless...i dont deserve to eat...i dont deserve to learn...i dont even deserve to live...i wanna die...im constantly thinking about suicide...thats the first thing on my mind when i wake up...the only thing on my mind threw the whole day...and the last thing on my mind before i go to sleep...im fucking pitiful....
worthless
lyndsy
Comments: make me bleed.

Sunday, March 23rd, 2003

Time:8:19 pm.
Mood: depressed.
DeeplySuicidalCutter
Deeply Suicidal Cutter
You cut because you REALLY REALLY need it. I'm
kinda worried about you actually. Next thing ya
know you're gonna be hanging yourself or taking
too many pills or turning the gas on and taking
lots of deep breaths or... Oh, crap, I'm just
giving you ideas now aren't I?
Good Ssong For You- Majandra Delfino- Bruises
Good Movie- Ginger Snaps


What kind of cutter are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Comments: 1 wound - make me bleed.

Tuesday, March 18th, 2003

Subject:oh shit im so fucking scared...
Time:11:44 pm.
im going out tonight with nate...and im so scred right now...i hate going outside...im fuckinig scared of being out there...we're going to a graveyard with colin and somekid matt so i guess thats cool...i love graveyards but the fact that its outside just scares the shit outta me im shaking and breathing all heavy...god damnit!! but i guess i gotta get over this right? they put me on paxil today...it makes me dizzy...which sucks...but hopfully it'll help...i hope.well i gotta go get dressed...ive bein wearing the same clothes for the past 4 days so yeah i probably dont look so great...well gotta go...
scared shitless
lyndsy
Comments: make me bleed.

Monday, March 17th, 2003

Time:10:14 pm.
Mood: scared.
Achluophobia
Agoraphobia
Anthropophobia
Aphenphosmphobia
Atychiphobia
Cacophobia
Catoptrophobia
Clinophobia
Demophobia
Dishabiliophobia
Eisoptrophobia
Eosophobia
Topophobia
Somniphobia
Pocrescophobia
Philophobia
Ablutophobia
Agateophobia
Agraphobia
Allodoxaphobia
androphobia
Angrophobia
Anuptaphobia
Asthenophobia
athazagoraphobia
Catagelophobia
Counterphobia
Dementophobia
Didaskaleinophobia
Eremophobia
Erotophobia
Gerascophobia
Heliophobia
Hypengyophobia
Iatrophobia
Laliophobia
Macrophobia
Mastigophobia
Metathesiophobia
Mnemophobia
Neopharmaphobia
neophobia
Nosocomephobia
Ophthalmophobia
Optophobia
Patroiophobia
Pharmacophobia
Seplophobia
Social Phobia
Telephonophobia
Trypanophobia
Comments: make me bleed.

Sunday, March 16th, 2003

Time:10:44 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:otep-sacrilege.
as i sit in the darkness and weep away my sorrow,a voice from with in me tells me to cut...and without question i do...and the whole time while doing this i pray to stop...i pray for help...but no one can help me and ive come to see that no one thinks the way that i do...no one sees what i see when they look into the mirror...for when i look into the mirror i see a monster looking back at me...i dont no who i am anymore...i dont no what ive became...no one can save me ive come to a point in life where all i can do is hope...ive shut the door on reality and i need someone else to open the door for me because ive forgotten how...forgotten who i used to be...maybe this is how ive always bein...maybe ive always subconciously bein thinking this all along....and whos to think any different...ive bein this way for as long as i could remember...but then again i always seem to block out good or happy memories...and i only remember the bad things...and whos to remind me...because i dont think i even have any happy moments in my life...so fucking i dont no...i need to find somthing to occupy myself...i need to keep my hands busy...I NEED HELP!!! but how? how can i be helped? and who? who can help me? who has bein given that power? NO ONE! i cant even control my own mind or body anymore...i dont even no what im doing to myself half the time...and i dont understand how thats even possible....but who the fuck knows?!?!?!

......................................
....not me thats for sure......
suffering
lyndsy
Comments: 1 wound - make me bleed.

Sunday, March 9th, 2003

Subject:fucking fuck!!!
Time:9:21 pm.
Mood: angry.
Music:fiona apple-mistake.
i fucking hate nicole so fucking much...i really just wanna die!!im just crying so bad right now....i guess i have more feelings for bri than i thought...she wants to hook up with bri..oh god i cant stop crying...they kissed in her hot tub on friday and i dont no i guess i do still love him...i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die!!!!!i wanna just kill myself and not have to deal with fucking emotions anymore!!!! fucking life! fucking people! FUCKING SOCIETY!!!!people dont care about anyone or anything but them selves....she asked if id be fine if they hooked up and its not like i could fucking say "no i still love him and i just cant express myself you fucking bucktoothed whore" the only reason people like her is cause of her tits...she has the ugliest face and the shityest personality...ugh i just wanna die!!
Comments: 1 wound - make me bleed.

Subject:just a few things
Time:9:10 pm.
Mood: sad.
nate wrote this> Lets all jump into the wind and hope we drift.
The wind…
The wind is my fate.
Hold my hand and follow me into our transparent savoir
Our wind will carry us to the old green fields of days past.
I remember walking through the tall grass with you…
Now the field is gone and the field has turned to sand.
Dead…
Like your feelings for me…
Alone and gone once , again have u left me here…
Am I the producer of my own memories?
Or just a strange case of mistaken identity?
I am not one to contribute a theory on actions such as these
By my fate my wind will carry me.
Unless by fate…fate is just a figment of our imagination.
I will jump in my wind with or without you.
With my drooling laughter.
Fall
The wind has dropped me here.
This present place in time.
I am here alone once again.
Wishing for a field of tall grass to walk through with you.
Too see my wind.
My fate


i just thought that it was good and that it deserved to be up here...he's a really good writter...but yeah...he said that it was about me and his brother ben...but i dont understand him...i just found out that he has a girl freind...and i mean that hurt that he didnt even tell me about her...he begs me everyday to come and hang out with him and he even asked if we could fool around and shit and now i no thaty he has a girl freind?!?! i mean he has never even mentioned her and i talk to him almost everyday....

...so yeah...im gonna post this now its called "blackest of dreams" so here....>

In the light of a burning candle she lay on her bed, bleeding.

"Sounds delicious," she answered her mother sarcastically.

She was tall and slender. Her long raven-hair was pulled back, her alabaster skin was fair, her lips scarlet. She wore a pleated skirt, a long sleeved shirt, and sandals with knee-highs.

"Well, you need to sit down to eat Steph," her mother said as she was placing the plate of food on the table.

Stephinie put her sweater on the back of the chair and sat down. She pulled up her sleeves and put her left arm under the table. She picked up the fork with her long pallid fingers and poked the sausage. She wasn't very hungry.

"Well I have to go to work. I'll be home around seven tonight, I'll bring home some food. Don't leave too late. Okay, bye sweety," her mother said as she was walking out of the kitchen. "Have a nice day. I love you."

"Okay Mom, I got it! Bye!" she replied. stephine got up as she heard the front door close. She got her bag and car keys, headed to the garage, started her car, and went to school.

As she was walking down the hallway to homeroom, she could feel her wounds against her sleeves. She smiled timidly. The bell rang before she was at the door, she was late. As she was walking to her seat, her teacher was staring at her.

"Stephine, I'll need to talk to you after class," said Mrs. Smith, her English teacher. As Mrs. Smith rambled on about something or another, Stephine was writing in her journal. 'Now when I see the blood I feel a sense of relief. Why don't I feel pain? Instead, it feels like it's coming out, being released.'

The bell rang; everyone was going to their next class. stephinie stayed put.

"You do realize you're doing poorly in my class, don't you?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes."

"What's wrong? You were an exceptional student. But recently you stopped doing your work and just write in that journal of yours. Something wrong at home that I can help you with?" Mrs. Smith asked curiously.

"No. Everything's fine. Why should I be talking about anything with you? May I go now?"

"It's good to talk things out. I'm just trying to help."

"Well I don't need your help! May I go now?!?"

"Uh," Mrs. Smith looked astounded by what stephinie said. "Yes, you may go. I'll write you a pass."

Stephinie left the class and headed for gym. Hopefully no one is in the locker room anymore she thought. With her luck, it was still full with girls changing. She didn't know many of them. The ones she did, didn't speak to her. She tried to change as fast as she could, she didn't want anybody to notice her. But no one ever did. When she was looking for her sweater, she couldn't find it.

"Dammit!" stephinie yelled.

The girl close by looked at her funny and asked what was wrong. stephinie said nothing.
The whole hour she folded her arms. It's not like she participated anyways.

"Hey, you, why don't you play with us?" asked a short young looking girl. Her brown hair bounced off her shoulders as she walked up to stephinie. She pulled her by the arm towards the volleyball net. The girl gasped when she noticed deep scars, and fresh wounds, on her arms.

She couldn't believe someone found out her secret. She ran to the bathroom and locked herself in a stall. She had nothing to cut herself with; she used her finger nails to tear her flesh. She wanted to see the blood, wanted to feel. Wanted to know she was human.

Once class was over, everyone in the locker room was whispering as they passed by her sitting on a bench. stephinie knew they were talking about her. She just grabbed her clothes and bag, and ran out of there. As she was going towards the doors, someone yelled, "Get help, you psycho!" She recognized the voice; it was christina, someone she was very close to, before.

She ran to her car and drove home. Her eyes were blurry from the tears. She was holding them in, she hasn't cried since she was ten. She refused to.

The blood was trickling down her arms. When she scratched herself, she opened up old wounds.

When she got home, she ran up to her room. She tried so hard to calm herself down. Her pain was unbearable.

If I could kill myself, I could stop hurting.

She got her journal and wrote.

'I cut myself to see if I could bring out the person that I wanted to be, make myself feel better emotionally. I don't feel good about who I was or am. I wanted to feel this extra pain, so I could be in control. Isn't it ironic? It's controlling me.'

stephinie put her journal and pen down and held up a razor blade.

Her mother came home and noticed it was too quiet when she put the food down in the kitchen. She went up to stephinie's room. The door was open, she walked in. Once inside, she noticed her own daughter's body. She gave a scream which pierced the air.

She walked up to stephinie's dresser and found her journal. Then she lit a candle when she finished reading the last entry, and walked out sobbing.

In the light of a burning candle she lay on her bed, bleeding.
Comments: make me bleed.

Friday, March 7th, 2003

Subject:poetry
Time:3:53 am.
Mood: awake.
Music:fiona apple-sleep to dream.
a drop of blood,
a parting of skin
a solemn vow to never do it again,
this is my life,
this is my sorrow,
this is my yesterday, today, and tomorrow
free me someone
free me anyone
save me from this pit of shame
see me someone
see me anyone
see me at my morbid games
i have fallen
i have lost
i'm hanging on by a thread
i am crawling
i am lost
i am the walking dead
through the pain i hope to assuage
i express my soul
the razor rules my life
it has me in its control
my wrist bears its mark
my heart bears its name
refuge is a dream but in the end i'll suffer the same





cast me away
set me aside
avert your glance protect your mind
escape to your life
you want no part of mine
I endure the strife
so you have peace of mind
my eyes plead
but do you care?
my cuts bleed
are you scared?
you should be
i'm out of control
out of my mind
life without a soul
i'm dead already
don't you see?
my wounds shall never heal
they run too deep
my heart breaks
my will dies
i'm raising the stakes
please, open your eyes






The pain inside is unbearable
Why does no one understand
If they were there to reassure you
Even a hug or to hold your hand.

But nobody seems to see your pain
Or what you are going through
So you decide to hide it away
What else can you do

Then you find a way of dealing with it
A way to channel your pain
You think ‘It’ll be ok’
‘I promise I won't do it again’

The next thing you know it’s a regular occurrence
Happens almost every day
‘I know it seems weird’ you think
‘But it keeps the pain away’

It’s like a jolt back to reality
To show that you’re alive
It’s the only thing that keeps you going
Clears your body and mind

The agony inside is one big ball
Of pain and mass confusion
Then you do it and release the hurt
And it’s like a calm illusion

The pain is not there anymore
You emotions are unbound
After all that chaos, stress and pain
Peace and serenity you have found





UNDERSTAND
Watch the blood
Sliding down over my pale, sick skin
Feel my pain
Corrupting my soul
Know my hate
Eating at my insides
And maybe you'll understand
Or maybe you won't
But at least you'll know that it isn't easy
Easy to quit or easy to do
If you were to see my tears
Would it make it more real?
I'll cry for you
It wouldn't be anything new
This is an addiction
Rotting in my stomach
Making me hurt you
Making me hurt myself
It’s not easy
Nobody understands.
Comments: make me bleed.

Thursday, March 6th, 2003

Time:4:09 am.
Mood: confused.
nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! im fucking falling for him again!! no! no! no! no! erg!!!!!! i was talking to nate like all night...and i dont no but im fucking falling for him again! well im posting the convo here...the beginings missing cause i closed it but heres the rest...


AlturNate (2:44:38 AM): do even want to see me?
nightflamedancer (2:44:50 AM): kinda yes and kinda no
AlturNate (2:44:59 AM): please explain the kinda no
nightflamedancer (2:45:04 AM): you hurt people
nightflamedancer (2:45:26 AM): and i dont want it
AlturNate (2:45:43 AM): u dont want me to hurt you?
AlturNate (2:45:47 AM): why would i hurt you
AlturNate (2:45:51 AM): and how could i hurt you
nightflamedancer (2:46:33 AM): you always do...i dont mean physicly i mean youll be so nice to me when its just me and you and then when your around everyone else i dunno your just different
AlturNate (2:46:35 AM): i just want to start back as friends and forget everything that happened in the past...belive i'm not the same nate
nightflamedancer (2:46:43 AM): and i dont like that side of you
AlturNate (2:46:51 AM): when at the empress
AlturNate (2:46:52 AM): ?
AlturNate (2:47:06 AM): if thats what u mean...
nightflamedancer (2:47:14 AM): what happened at empress
nightflamedancer (2:47:15 AM): ?
AlturNate (2:47:28 AM): if your refering to me ignoring or something
AlturNate (2:47:47 AM): but i cant recall a time when i was an asshole to you in front of people
nightflamedancer (2:48:00 AM): online
nightflamedancer (2:48:09 AM): you were over kevins
nightflamedancer (2:48:19 AM): twice
nightflamedancer (2:48:34 AM): "quit your whinney bullshit"
nightflamedancer (2:48:39 AM): remember?
AlturNate (2:49:49 AM): yes i remember...i am not happy about that i wish i never said it and half the reason i said it was just to be funny i didnt mean it and after getting arrested and bens mom dying and all this shit thats happeneing now i calmed down a lot and i'm no as much of the asshole i used to be...but sitting here now i am telling you i want to see you and that i miss you and that i care about you and that means nothing...?
nightflamedancer (2:50:21 AM): it does
AlturNate (2:50:44 AM): ok well then why do u still have feelings of no?
AlturNate (2:51:00 AM): if i could erase those words i would but i already said it
AlturNate (2:51:08 AM): but they wernt genuine
nightflamedancer (2:51:09 AM): i guess i just dont get over things so easily
AlturNate (2:51:15 AM): i didnt mean that shit
AlturNate (2:51:31 AM): well they were harsh words...but...
AlturNate (2:52:35 AM): those words were full of hate...that wasnt even real hate and now my worfs are full of love and love is stronger than hate anyday
AlturNate (2:52:45 AM): and i'm not bullshitting you
AlturNate (2:53:02 AM): i wouldnt practically beg everynight to see you if i didnt mean it
AlturNate (2:53:21 AM): plus i would be stealing my best friends car without a license to come get you so its even bigger
AlturNate (2:56:18 AM): i know this all my be confusing...with conflicting emotions
AlturNate (2:56:36 AM): so if u want me to leave you alone i'll understand
AlturNate (3:01:39 AM): nothing to say?
nightflamedancer (3:02:19 AM): no...im going threw my journal...and im looking at all the convos between you and me...and youve done this before...
AlturNate (3:04:03 AM): ok nevermind...your not gonna throw that other shit out...if you change your mind let me know...because it appears that nothing i say changes the fact that our past was kinda fuct...but you cant tell me that we didnt have good times...so when your ready u let me know
nightflamedancer (3:05:22 AM): we did have good times...but you also fucked up a large part of my life and im sorry that you dont understand that its hard to just forgive you...again...
AlturNate (3:05:51 AM): i dont want to forget about you...because i did and then i watched a tape of sav and u were there and it made me feel so good to see you there
AlturNate (3:06:24 AM): theres nothing more than i can say but i was an asshole and i'm sorry
nightflamedancer (3:06:56 AM): ya no if you do it again im never going to forgive you?
AlturNate (3:07:16 AM): i promise with every bit of my heart that i will never hurt you again
nightflamedancer (3:07:52 AM): then i guess im fine
AlturNate (3:08:15 AM): ok...you have no idea how much that means to me just for you to say you guess your fine
AlturNate (3:09:06 AM): i'm listening to change acoustic
AlturNate (3:09:38 AM): i have...32 blind melon songs on the comp i got into a lot after hearing school house rock on lsackers
AlturNate (3:09:54 AM): i mean i have always liked them but i mean i went on a binge
nightflamedancer (3:09:58 AM): cool
AlturNate (3:10:30 AM): that it is?
AlturNate (3:11:21 AM): minus the qeustion mark
AlturNate (3:11:23 AM): hehe
AlturNate (3:12:21 AM): so you def dont want to come over tonight?
nightflamedancer (3:12:54 AM): oh god...brian might have cancer or something....he has 3 tumors in his neck and he went to get surgery so that they could take a peice out and test it on like friday and he lost like 30 pounds and his face looks all skinney and shit...
nightflamedancer (3:12:57 AM): no sorry
AlturNate (3:13:12 AM): its cool
AlturNate (3:13:17 AM): yeah i fucking heard that today
AlturNate (3:13:22 AM): thats fuct
AlturNate (3:13:34 AM): i cant imagine what he's going through right now
nightflamedancer (3:14:45 AM): yeah on like thursday he was talking to me about it and i havent really looked at anyone in school cause i look down at the ground but i was sitting in the hall and he came up to me and started talking to me and i looked up at him and his face was sooo thin...it was kinda gross looking
AlturNate (3:15:09 AM): yeah thats pretty shitty
AlturNate (3:15:13 AM): very shitty
AlturNate (3:15:37 AM): i dont know him real well or even friends with him really but i know he is a good kid...i cant imagine someone close to me having that
nightflamedancer (3:16:17 AM): i havent talked to him and i dont no if he got the test results back yet or not
AlturNate (3:16:26 AM): yeah
AlturNate (3:16:35 AM): well whats making him skinny?
nightflamedancer (3:17:11 AM): i dunno...it might be whatever he has thats making the tumors or it might be the medicine hes on
AlturNate (3:17:18 AM): yeah
AlturNate (3:17:49 AM): i had to go to abunch of heart things cuz they thought the muscle tissue was ripping open but i'm ok
nightflamedancer (3:18:00 AM): ouch
AlturNate (3:18:32 AM): and the cops are gonna arrest me soon...cuz they turned a tape of me doing shit on tape ya know and the police qeustioned me and a bunch of other kids and they tell everyone the same ting...i'm gonna get fucked
AlturNate (3:18:38 AM): so i try noit to think a out it
AlturNate (3:18:40 AM): about it
AlturNate (3:19:02 AM): cuz there gonna get a warrent then there gonna come to my house and arrest me
nightflamedancer (3:19:05 AM): who turned a tape in?
AlturNate (3:19:12 AM): then jail cuz my mom isnt backing me up
AlturNate (3:19:17 AM): matt morgan gave it to some kid
nightflamedancer (3:19:23 AM): oh
AlturNate (3:19:34 AM): so i am gonna go to jail and get fucked...literally...and not by women
AlturNate (3:19:38 AM): :-(
AlturNate (3:19:39 AM): hehe
AlturNate (3:19:41 AM): fuck
nightflamedancer (3:20:22 AM): how long would you have to go for?
AlturNate (3:20:28 AM): i dont know
AlturNate (3:20:39 AM): they have me for a bunch of shit in a bunch of towns...on tape
AlturNate (3:20:56 AM): but i dont whats gonna happen
AlturNate (3:21:04 AM): but i know if they arrest me i'm gonna get it on tape
nightflamedancer (3:21:20 AM): lol
AlturNate (3:22:42 AM): and theres another thing ...we egged a car over the summer and mike dressel got cought...and me and chris got away...but mike gave fake names and fgake addresses and they didnt do anything but call and stop by mikes and mike and i kept the same story but then for some reason they called ben down to the police station and qeustioned...but luckily he didnt know anyting so thats what he said...but i might get fucked for that too...i just want all this shit to pass and just continue life without bullshit
nightflamedancer (3:23:36 AM): yeah
nightflamedancer (3:24:09 AM): h/o a minute i need to go have a cig ill brb

then i came back and it was just us sending eachother pics back and forth....but all the same...i enjoyed talking to him....
lyndsy
Comments: make me bleed.

Wednesday, March 5th, 2003

Time:12:33 am.
Days like this
I don't know what
To do with myself
All day and all night
I wander the halls
Along the walls and
Under my breath
I say to myself
I need fuel
To take flight
And there's too
Much going on
But it's calm under
The waves
In the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in
The blue of my oblivion

Is that why they call me
A sullen girl, sullen girl
They don't know
I used to sail the
Deep and tranquil sea
Nut he washed me shore
And he took my pearl
And left an empty
Shell of me

And there's too
Much going on
But it's calm under the waves
In the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves
In the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves
In the blue of my oblivion
It's calm under the waves
In the blue of my oblivion
Comments: 2 wounds - make me bleed.

Thursday, February 27th, 2003

Subject:...i talked today...
Time:10:40 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:tv.
well yesterday in science class i made a joke about how if i was gonna kill myself i said that i would hang myself off a busy bridge with a sign that said "honk if you love dead bodies" and my teacher told mrs. cardona,my guidence counselor at school...and if you no me then you no how hard it is for me to open up and tell people stuff and ive bein to quite a few theropists and docters and i have never told any of them about anything...but for some reason i told her everything...i dunno, but it felt good to tell someone...i told her about my dad smoking alot and my cutting and how my brothers perfict...i told her about everything but my hylusinations...i dunno if i ever will tell anyone the details of my halusinations unless i put it in my journal and someone reads it...but i wont ever be able to actully tell anyone.but yeah i cryed in front of her...and again if you no me i dont cry infront of just anyone...the only times ive cryed in front of people was when i was infront of people i no and care about...ive never cryed in front of people that i dont really no like her...well thats all...i guess im gonna go...im not feeling to good,mentally...good bye
hateing life
lyndsy
Comments: make me bleed.

Wednesday, February 26th, 2003

Time:4:27 pm.
Mood: pissed off.
Music:from autumn to ashes.
FUCK YOU DAD!!!



...and thats all i have to say...
Comments: 1 wound - make me bleed.

Blurty for escaped from sanity.

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