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Wednesday, September 24th, 2003
3:21 pm - KRYSTEN. you ho.
OKAYFINE. i got this new downloady program, iMesh, and it SUCKS MAJOR ASSAGE. it will not download dj shadow for me.

um, okay, i am at college. i actually have class in 38 minutes. chorus class. which..issss..fun? i guess. we're singing 'requiem' which is pretty. and this corny god song which is not pretty.

i really do have nothing to write about. except to say that i'm going home this weekend. and i have a paper due monday. five pages talking about a character from 'the cherry orchard' and i don't know how i will DO that. i am hungry and i want a snack. i just waved to a nice chap named alex who is only a little on the creepy side. he hangs out with my roommate all the tiiiiime.

maggie has a boyfriend now! aw. he lives downstairs so she isn't here much. so i'm in the room alone a lot which i like. i like taking naps while listening to sigur ros and wearing a hello kitty hat. aw. you just want to live with me don't you?

i like classes. especially hinduism and intro to acting and visions&re-visions.. which is.. EVERYTHING. whee. i've already started planning out my second semester courses because i am a dork and i need to have more credits because i only have 13 this semester and i need like. 17? next semester? i think?

the weather is beautiful here. it's all fall-like. i just kind of went and made myself sad but i don't really want to say why.. i need a haircut! i want to go home. and see my cat. i wonder if she will hate me or love me.

singing starts in 33 minutes.. providing our teacher is there on time which she hardly ever is. I HATE YOU, HOMEROW.

okay i think i need to lay down. a little. and think about people i miss. call me pleeeeease.

current mood: blah
current music: sigur ros- track one

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Saturday, September 6th, 2003
9:11 am
i am at ryan's right now but he's at registration so i have some time to myself. i'm getting all this stuff done so later i can work on my composition and do my reading and think about my play. the best idea i've had so far about my play is that it should be about two galoshes who are soul mates. for my composition i will probably use the thing in my profile, only i'll make it longer. that was ryan's idea.

last night was prettttyyy shitty. but i feel better today, only pretty exhausted. i don't know. things are okay but they'll get better. i just have to wait for that to happen.

i'm going home tonight for a lot of reasons. i need to think and shower and do my work, and go to this traditional party thing our school holds.

ryan's dorm is really nice, only smaller than i expected. his whole building is like an office building. it's kind of strange. i don't really like his college. they're so much louder here than at marlboro, and we're in the middle of nowhere so we can be loud all we want. i like my school. i am so glad i came here.

anyway, i guess i'll do a little reading, and then play some nintendo. maybe fall asleep again. i'm still pretty tired. i hope everyone is doing okay.

current mood: okay
current music: the pillows- moon is mine

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Friday, September 5th, 2003
9:41 am
i am not doing much of anything today before ryan comes to get me. i'm hanging out with ian a little but he has classes and i do not. neither does maggie. i'll probably hang out with her in our dorm and watch amelie or something else.

i talked to ryan for a while last night and i think he feels better about where he is and such. at least, i hope he does. i know he's trying and that's wonderful, i just don't want him to give up. i want him to know things will get better and be okay and good and happy.

i have a nice amount of work to get done, including finding a new composition because i just read over the one i got last night and it is not good. i'll look more on the kids in the hall website, and if i can't find one i'll just have to WRITE one. which i don't feel like doing.

after lunch i'll probably drag ian with me to buy my books. i'm buying the ones i need in order to do my work for monday and tuesday, and then on sunday my parents are buying me all the others i'll need. or something.

okay, it's early, i'm sleepy, and i need a CD-R. and tea. and to get dressed. i plucked my eyebrows, though.

current mood: chipper
current music: velvet underground- i'll be your mirror

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Thursday, September 4th, 2003
6:11 pm
ian's dorm was all decorated with johnny the homicidal maniac pictures! aww. their RA's did that. how nice.

okay, everyone, and i mean EVERYone, is feeling downright shitty today. i have some weird stomach thing that is saying, "if you eat anything you will puke!" so all i've eaten today was half a piece of apple pie. but i had a lot of liquids and caffiene because i got two hours of sleep. hahahahahahaha.

no, really. i did. i stayed up and worried and thought and read. i think i said this before, but this is how delirious i am. i am repeating everything.

tonight at seven there is a thingy on governance at marlboro college and i reeeeeeally want to go to that. so i am. afterwards, maggie and i are going to watch 'empire records' because we think it'll cheer us up immensely. and it will.

i have a blister on the bottom of my foot from contra dancing, but it is not so bad. it doesn't hurt to walk or anything.

anyway, i already have a lot of work to do. for intro to acting i have to do a composition that incorporates sound, movement, props if you need them.. etc etc. i got something from kids in the hall. a monologue by bruce. it is funny. it's about old people.

i also have to read three chapters HOLY ASS THERE IS A WHITE PEACOCK OUTSIDE MY WINDOW!!!!!!!!!!!! for hinduism. and write a two-page play for visions and re-visions and i think i will ask ryan for help with that. which looks like the coolest class EVAR.

but you know what?? i don't have any books yet!!!! because my parents haven't told me how they want me to pay for them yet!! isn't that GREAT?? if i don't get a response by tonight i will call them tomorrow morning.

okay. i'm going to go read. think about my play. don't worry about me, kids. really. i'm fanfuckingtastic.

current mood: okay? for now?
current music: amelie music

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8:42 am
so yesterday was. a damn good day.

ryan came up, and he was a little appalled that i was walking in the rain to meet him. but it was nice. i like rain. but i showed him the room and i forgot about what to say to get us to be alone so we could talk? i felt really bad because he had had a shitty day, and he ended up having a shitty night because of me. i just felt really bad and i hope he'll be okay once he's all settled in bennington.

so, in the room i talked to maggie a little and she changed into a dress for the contra dance, and i tagged along. god, it was SO much fun. i made a friend! his name is ian and he is neat as all hell. okay. then i got kind of sick because i get dehydrated easily and i chugged water like nothing else, when i shoudl have sipped it. so we went to my room and talked to maggie who had kissed this boy she likes! yay maggie!

i ended up walking around until about two am. i tried to sleep but i couldn't so i went into the common room to read, which i did for about two hours, but i didn't just read. i looked out the window and listened to the thunder storm and though a lot. i went back to sleep at about five am, got woken up by a crack of thunder at six, got up again to pee at 7:15, and slept more until 8:30. i am so tired and i need caffine like nothing else.

but i do have some intro classes today and i'll talk to my new friend some more and i think i'll have a good day. i hope ryan has time to call me. i need a haircut BADLY.

current mood: exhausted
current music: BT

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Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003
8:23 pm
ryan just left, and he was very sad. i'm sorry i couldn't help. i know he'll be okay, someday, somehow..

i'm going to the contra dance where i'll watch people and think about ryan.

current mood: sad

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2:40 pm
there is this boy here named garret who i swear is completely insane. he was pacing outside the door downstairs before when i was doing laundry. which i am good at, by the way. he likes to shake his head violently. and i think he only has one shirt.

it's a little scary but i'm sure he's harmless.

current mood: nice
current music: the pillows

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9:01 am
i am using this thing again because FOD sucks something not good and i want people to know what i'm doing at college. because it's all really fun.

i got here sunday and met up with my roommates. they're all kinds of awesome, and we have curtains on the windows, which is great, and a lot of the time sonia isn't here. so it's just me and maggie. but maggie is really the only one i know around so far, which is great!

we've had all these activities and stuff.. some i went to. i spend a lot of time in my room, or downstairs talking to our triple room buddies. their room is cooler than ours, and we just found out we used to have a carpet. what the fuck, man, we want carpet!! maybe we'll get a rug.

there is stuff written in the big dresser we have. this used to be a guy's room, and you can totally tell, because inside is written stuff like "mother never told me how sweet girls taste" and other emo crap like that. it's quite hilarious because i keep my feminine products in there. haha.

last night i went to a party to actually get to know some people, but i basically just hung around with maggie's woodsy buddies and held their beers when they wanted to dance. this really rich-looking guy with foofy hair started talking to me and he told me his name but it something quite exotic because i didn't understand him at ALL. but we left at like midnight because maggie was exhausted and everyone had to get up for intro classes but me.

a lot of people in our house play intruments and they get together downstairs and jam sometimes. it's cool to live in the band geek house. we're kind of the wimpy house because we're chem free but i like everyone here a lot. there are more people who don't do drugs than i thought. i like it here.

yesterday we also had the 'sex talk' about what to do if your roommates want to use the room for sex, how to tell your roommates you're going to be using it with the sock on the door or a symbol on the white board, and warned us about STDs and gave us condoms and dental dams (which i didn't know EXISTED until last night) and told us where to go if we get pregnant or need to get tested or want birth control. the health lady here can perscribe birth control which is wonderful, and abortion is covered by health insurance. isn't vermont cool?

today there are intro classes, but i already did my schedule, and i'm going to go to the intro classes just to the classes i am taking. i have two today, and they're not until the afternoon, so i have the whole morning to go do stuff. i actually need change to do my laundry. so i may go out to search for quarters later.

today is also the day i get to see RYAN!!! MY LOVE!! yay. he is going to come get me around 6:15, after convocation, and is taking me out to dinner with his parents, which is cool because i haven't seen them in a long time. i just can't wait to see him. and squish him and kiss him and yaaaaaayyyy ryan.

he sent me something last night, a story over email, but my technical people removed it because they thought it was a virus!! or it had a virus on it or something? i don't know. i have to call them and try to get a primary connexion to the internet so i can download faster.

well, i guess that is all that is really interesting just yet. nothing totally exciting has happened, so hwuh.

current mood: awake
current music: the chemical brothers- the test

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Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003
7:00 pm
Well, fuck.

current mood: numb
current music: Radiohead- Fade out

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Tuesday, April 1st, 2003
9:20 pm
So I guess i'm going to Marlboro college.
and i miss drama.
and i have to do an oil painting in art. i don't know what it will be yet, though.
i got my hair cut and i like it.
i feel like a poser with my stupid fake glasses but i LIKE THEM. so suck it.
i have more friends now than i've ever had and i'm really enjoying it.
i really need to get my license but i am lazy and i suck eggs.
i have a nice life right now. i'm not thinking about sad things too much because in reality not everything is too sad. the war doesn't exist to me anymore. i ignore it.
but that's it and i havent' eaten dinner yet but i ate too much today and i have to go running more often. but it snowed today so i couldn't. it snowed in april. god, we suck.

vermont. i'll be living in vermont...

current mood: thoughtful
current music: apoptygma berzerk- kathy's song

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Tuesday, March 25th, 2003
10:09 pm
I just want to know what the big deal is with Jell-o. I know a good amount of people who hate the stuff. Why? It's just a little jiggly. It's fun and yummy and neat. I sure like my Jell-o. Cherry, please.

I'm so fucking exhausted, I'm going to bed. GOOD NIGHT.

current mood: exhausted
current music: King Crimson- Court of the crimson king

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Sunday, March 23rd, 2003
7:20 pm - And later we'll come down
I really think Edgeling would like Apoptygma Berzerk. Maybe I should make him a mixed CD.

I guess i'm just updating to say that i'm very sad lately because drama is ending. it's my last year, my last play, and i'm so glad i had the experiences i had. everything was wonderful. i mean, i know it's sappy, but i don't know who or what i'd be if it weren't for the friends i've made in drama, actually bring on stage and even mrs. g. now i have all these new friends and soon it'll be over.

i'm actually not sleeping because of these thoughts. i keep waking up at five am and not being able to go back to sleep. it's good if you have a book you want to read but it's also a pain when you're semi-sick and have a show to perform in less than a week.

i finished 'slaughterhouse five' for the second time today. i love that book a lot. kurt vonnegut is one of my favorite authors, yes yes. him and neil gaiman.

i made a new cd this morning. 'songs to run away with/to' it's just a lot of songs that have to do with leaving or remind me of running away. it's kind of sweet in a ghostly way. 'nothing's going to change my world' is the first track. 'how to disappear completely' is the last track. that is also what i titled my short story that everyone in my creative writing class liked so much.

i really think that choosing something i'll want to do when i grow up will be hard. i like so many things, like literature and photography and writing and acting. i wish i could just keep doing what i'm doing. doing a little bit of all of them. i guess in a way i am, only i'm not getting paid.

my most recent epiphany is that dreams will only come true if the people involved in said dreams want them to. otherwise you can't win.

i don't have school tomorrow because of a teacher meeting but i do have lovely, lovely drama. i'll try to sleep late and read and play tetris and maybe watch 'igby goes down' until bryon stops over whenever he said he would sometime before three. then we'll play silent hill and maybe watch 'igby goes down' THEN if we have time. i love days off.

i also like how bryon lets me talk. like. okay. i talk in a weird way. i'll go off on a tangent of some kind and ramble for a couple of minutes, and then something completely unrelated will pop into my head and i'll say something like 'i like cherries.' a lot of people don't like that or think it's weird. bryon doesn't. he lets me talk however i like. it's comfortable.

drama drama. i love drama. i want drama. weee woo. yeah, i'm annoying.

current mood: cheerful
current music: Apoptygma Berzerk- Non-stop violence

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Tuesday, March 18th, 2003
9:41 pm - Well, fuck.
I'm getting sick. This is not good, and I'll tell you why:
- The obvious answer: being sick sucks.
- I'm Rizzo, one of the leads, I can't be sick.
- I risk getting everyone else sick.
- I can't miss rehearsals.

Tomorrow or Thursday I will wake up to war. This may very well be the major war in my lifetime... what should I feel? Should I be excited? Should I write an entry, "Dear diary, today we declared my first war!" I'll be honest, I'm fucking scared. This is all I can really think about.

A few other things are happening, though. I got the letter of acceptance from Marlboro College yesterday. That made my mother very happy, and I admit, it makes me happy, too. Marlboro is a good school. I can learn a lot there.

My throat died today. Winamp really likes Nine Inch Nails tonight.

current mood: sick
current music: Aphex Twin- Come to daddy

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Sunday, March 16th, 2003
10:03 pm - you know it's gonna be all right (so why do i still hurt?)
everything's a bloody mess.

I finished my story. Drama is fine. Stephen is gone. I don't know who my friends are. I don't know who I am. You keep leaving.

Everything is a fucking bloody mess.

current mood: sad
current music: Mercury Rev- Goddess on the highway

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10:09 am - 2 + 2 = Fate
This will be quick because I have to leave for work verysoon and wow, i really do have a lot to talk about.

i'm worrying a lot about stephen. just putting that out here.

the show is coming closer and closer. yesterday i drove my mom around so we could get my dress for the show and a sweater with a tiny hole strategically placed over my left boob, and then to get things for other people's costumes and la la la.

i have work in 49 minutes. at least, i think i do. my boss told me eleven and i really think he meant twelve but if he said eleven then eleven it is.

so, drama. makes me sore. the big dance number is all doing-flips-over-ryan's-back and flying-in-the-air. my chiropractor says my body is very tense, so it does not like these things. but they're FUN.

now, i've been looking for neutral milk hotel CDs for ages but i cannot find them. this makes me upset.

i guess i really didn't have that much to say. my hand hurts a bit. i'm writing a story due tomorrow and i don't know where to take it. i am blah-feeling.

current mood: blah
current music: Stabbing Westward- Save yourself

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Wednesday, March 12th, 2003
9:19 pm - Just Quebec..
So, it's time for the run-down of Quebec happenings, eh? Early in the wee hours of Friday morning, my mom woke me up and I brushed my teeth, pulled on clothes, gathered all my stuff and posted a quickquick entry here saying good-bye. Then I said good-bye to my dad and my cat. My dad actually hugged me. I don't remember if my cat was even there.

Arrived at school a little before 5:30, had my bag "searched" (or, looked at quickly by Mrs. Sunny, really only noticing my stuffed frog who was not full of drugs) and then got on the bus. At 5:45, we left, I pulled down the shade because the sun was coming up, and I put on Sigur Rós to try to sleep. That didn't work. I had the whole seat to myself on the bus, Katie and Hope were in front of me, Amanda and Ranga next to me. I curled up and tried not to think about the beautiful scenes I was missing. In half an hour, my curiosity overcame me, and I saw Hartford and the insane traffic jams leading into it.

The ride up was really quite nice indeed. I sat alone most of the time, talking to people sometimes, but mostly I just looked out the window. We watched 'Chocolat' and stopped for lunch at McDonalds, I didn't eat, and then continued over the border and into beautiful, blank, white Canada.

I know Americans always make fun of Canada, but I really want to know why. It's great, it really is. It's the most liberal country, no one gives a fuck about the war at all, and even though the sales tax is at 15%, if you go to college in your province, you only pay $1,000 tuition a year, not to mention the free health care. Let's all move to Canada!

There was two feet of snow everywhere. I wondered how people left their houses.

Okay, first thing we did when we got into Quebec was meet the tour leader Christine. The was 23, had a little nose stud, cute short auburn hair, spoke English fairly well (she said 'met' instead of 'meet' a lot), and said she had majored in graphic design in college. I liked her a lot. After meeting her we checked into the hotel, got changed into warmer clothes, and called other rooms. Ryan Zanoni called everyone saying 'Hello, Clarice' or breathing heavily into the phone.

After that, now being around 3:30, we went on a little tour of old Quebec city on the bus. We drove along the St. Lawrence and saw the Plains of Abraham, Parliament, Grande Allee, and the prettypretty castle that overlooks the St. Lawrence. We left the bus eventually, walking around Old Quebec City, looking at the shops before returning to the bus.

Next we went to this huge building that was REALLY TALL and made everyone's ears pop on the elevator, and we jumped a foot in the air when it came to a stop. The girls thought the guide was really cute, but he acted really embarressed when everyone wanted their picture taken with him. I was watching the people swimming in swimming pools on hotel roofs. One guy jumped out of the pool, made a snow angel, and then jumped back in. It was really something.

Drove off to dinner at a Native American reservation. The food was good, but it was really cold. Really very, very cold. They danced for us and Ryan Zanoni smoked the peace pipe.

Back to the hotel! Katie, Hope and I got changed into pyjamas, but we ran around and visited people for half an hour. We talked to Ryan Roche and everyone else in the hall as we ate ice and I tried not to fall asleep, having taken a Tylenol PM. At eleven we were taped into our rooms, I read the book Katie let me borrow (Echo by Francesca Lia Block) and we were all so tired we turned the light out by eleven thirty. Then Ryan Roche called us! He told us to turn on the music channel, so we did, and the 'Fish Heads' video was on!! Katie and I watched it (Hope was asleep), laughed for a while because the video is fucking WEIRD, and then passed out. Needless to say, that song became the Quebec Song, and we sang it on the bus a lot.

Saturday morning we woke up, showered, dressed, brushed our teeth, etc, and then went to a cafe to have hot cocoa and croissants. God, the hot chocolate was the most delicious thing I've ever had. It was like super warm melted chocolate ice cream. It was served in a bowl, and really filled me up. I only had one croissant, but that was really scrumptious, too.

After breakfast we walked around Old Quebec City a little more, and we had about an hour of free time to go into shops or the castle or look at the view. Katie, Hope and I looked at the view and talked to Christine a little, she took out picture with the view behind us. Then we went inside the castle, I bought the Aerobar Phil asked me to buy him, and we rode the elevator up to the eighth floor and walked the hallways of the hotel. It was quite pretty. We went back down, looked at a little art gallery which was also pretty, and then went back outside to wait for everyone else. Ryan Roche came back and gave me a wonderful present--a doll of the fox from The Little Prince!! We saw it in the window earlier, I freaked out when I saw it, and he ran back to buy it for me. I was so happy, I love you Ryan XD We also saw a girl who looked like me, apparently, but I didn't really notice that. I thought she was cute so apparently I think highly of myself.

Next we went to a waterfall, but it was mostly frozen so there wasn't too much water. It was very pretty, still. There was a man ice climbing up one of the slopes. I got a few shots of him. Then I went up on the bridge and met Ryan, and we looked off the edge at the view together. It was very pretty.

We left to go to the St-Anne de Beaupre Basilica, which was so humongous and lovely. There were gorgeous paintings everywhere, along with statues and mosaics and candles and flowers. There were those rows of candles you light to pray for people, Ryan lit one, but I didn't just yet. I felt like it would have been an empty flame if I did it--I had no one to pray for. We walked around looking at all the little rooms, everything was so pretty but it made me overwhelmingly sad. It's just so hard to believe that anything could have really happened like that. Christiandom is all a lie to me. I'm sorry if that's offending, but it's my opinion. These paintings were empty, like my flame would have been. But finally I thought of something to pray for, so I paid my four dollars and lit a candle, praying for people to be full of happiness, instead of empty. I wanted people to experince things that made them happy, beause everyone is always so sad. And if I'm not strong enough to help them, I can at least pray to them, to whatever celestial being is up there listening, or not listening. It feels good to get that out. After I lit the candle, I got even sadder. I took pictures of the paintings and the statues and the organ (for my mom, mostly) and stood in awe of the vast amounts of money that was put into this lie. Katie, Ryan and I were the last ones to leave. I tried not to cry on the bus ride to the bread lady's.

After eating really quickly at the bread lady's, we drove out to the mall. It was fucking huge. Ryan and I walked around together, spending a lot of our time talking to a woman who knew English in Excalibur, which is a pretty Rennaisance store with swords and jewelry and dresses and candles and incense. I bought an incense burner, Ryan bought a cnadle box thing. We left, but had to go back when we couldn't find the money exchange place for Ryan. We did, eventually, and we wandered around, looking at the people, noticing how much we were stared at, and eventually we stopped at the food court and I ate sushi while Ryan oogled his powder-blue sweater boy. He eventually saw us watching him, we left, and walked around more. We stopped in music stores and walked through the amusement park section. A little girl was playing DDR. She could barely reach the other end of the pad. Ryan and I tried to get our picture taken in one of those booths and then leave the picture under it for someone to find (name that movie) but the picture came out bad, and there was no under to the booth. Soon we saw more people from our school, talked to them for a bit, then went back to Excalibur so I could buy a necklace and try to find something for Mike, which I never did, because he is so hard to shop for. Ugh.

Back to the hotel to get ready for dinner, and dinner was really stupid. The food was good, but I didn't have a very good time, it was much too cold outside. I sat on the couch while everyone else danced. Eventually Britney dragged me off. I was exhausted.

In all honesty, the bus ride was much much better than dinner. I watched the sun set and the houses flash by, one by one, they were about two miles apart, each. Everything in between was the woods, dark and scary and full of hanging cold air. Britney sat with me, and I wanted her to shut up so I could enjoy everything. She said it was all creepy, she would never want to live out there. But I did. I wanted to live in those houses, so alone but warm, cozy, in the center of the snow, some with no visible driveway, leaving you to wonder how you even reached it at all. It wasn't scary. I loved it.

The ride back after dinner was more fun, because the chorus kids sang the Jekyll and Hyde medley, Elanor Rigby, and Gloria. I was shocked that we remembered everything. We also sang 'Fish Heads' and lots of childhood songs. I think everyone wanted to kill us.

Back at the hotel we had another ice party, I took another Tylenol, read more of Echo and slept eventually. In the morning we got our wake up call, but we didn't feel like showering so we stayed awake and talked for a while. It was really nice. I love Katie so much, she has a wonderful heart and really cares for people. She also punches the bed in her sleep. It's quite strange.

Breakfast in the hotel with another class from New York. Talked to Mrs. Sunny, Christine, and the other chaperones about Mrs. Sunny's escapades and how she's killed a few people but dodged jail. They're great stories, but I think she hurts a little bit every time she tells them. I could see it in her eyes. Katie, Hope and I went back to the room, got ready, and then we all went snow tubing.

Snow tubing really was worth the whole trip. Sure, my face and body hurts now, I was freezing and sweating at the same time, and I felt like I was risking my life at times, but what else do you expect? The place worked like this: the easy tracks have green circles, the medium tracks have blue squares, the hard tracks have black diamonds, and the really hard tracks have double black diamonds. I stayed with Britney mostly, and we skipped right to the medium tracks. Those were way too easy, so we went to the hard ones. Those still weren't tough enough. So, double black diamond it was. This track needed a bunch of people (up to twelve) on a raft boat thing. So we found a bunch of people from our school to go with us, and down we went. God, it was fun. Whoo! It was so steep, and had a bunch of bumps on it. It took us fifteen minutes to get the raft back to the pulley, though, it was so heavy! After that escapade we took a little break, but went back later to try another hard one with a circle raft. It spun around and around, and it wasn't as hard to pull back to the pulley. We trekked off to find more tracks, and we spotted the Everest. Ooohh God. This thing was almost at a ninety degree angle, I'm not kidding. Of course, we wanted to try it. Ryan Zanoni, Britney, Jackie and I all went. I was scared (I'm usually not too good with fast rides) so I sat in the middle, Ryan was in the front, Jackie in front of me and Britney in back. Fuck, it was scary. My stomach was in my throat on the way down, I couldn't even scream! We went to fast and so far, it was a great time. We found more guys to help us with the raft, so we went down the double black diamond again. We stopped and ate lunch, then left for fucking Connecticut again.

The scenery was even prettier on the ride home. We watched Donnie Darko. Ryan and I were surprised and happy when Mrs. Sunny didn't turn it off, and just as happy when everyone's first reaction to the ending was 'What the fuck happened?' We crossed the border again, and I listened to my discman and looked out the window as everyone else watched Shrek. We stopped for dinner at McDonalds in Vermont, then watched 'Rose Red' for the rest of the ride home. We all made fun of it because it really was a very, very bad, stupid, horrible film. I slept a little bit on the way home and talked to Britney about 'Donnie Darko' I finished Echo and talked to Katie's friend Ryan from Ridgefield on the phone because I have never met him but we have a lot in common. He was a good kid.

We got in at 10:15, and my dad was there to get me. He didn't hug me, thank God. But he hugged me later, after I had thrown my dirty clothes in the laundry and lit some incense.

In other Helena news, I'm trying to diet. Not in the 'for my health or beauty' purposes, but only because I feel awfully guilty whenever I eat too much. I'm also giving blood tomorrow. Wish me luck. Don't ask me in what, just wish me luck.

current mood: apathetic
current music: Do Make Say Think- Enemy airship

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Monday, March 10th, 2003
10:13 pm
I am back from Quebec! Actually, I got back yesterday at around 10:30, but in all reality I haven't had a chance to say hello or anything until now.

And right now I'm so tired I can't even write a real update quite yet. Sorry, you'll get one very soon. Drama is going crazy and so is my sleep patterns and food intake and such. Which is bad because I don't want to get sick.

I just want everyone to know I'm fine, just a bit busy. I'm thinking of you all. Another update soon, promise.

current mood: tired
current music: Mogwai- Mogwai fear satan

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Friday, February 28th, 2003
8:13 pm - Curse on this town
it's just so frustrating. i shouldn't make such a big deal out of it. when friends have a falling out, they can be childish. sometimes. but god fucking dammit, it's just so frustrating.

i remember pink-lined storm clouds. i remember dead grey skies. i remember talking about going to california together and opening a book store. i remember so many things and now they're just memories.

my newest pin idea is from krysten: 'existing rules!' but even though i like existing, i like my fantasy world, too. i told stephen about it. it's like a mix between 'neuromancer' and 'stardust.' a mindfuck cyberpunk love story. it exists somewhere in my head.

mediocrity mediocrity mediocrity.

mr. fabrizi hasn't been here. and danielle hates the write-fifteen-pages-in-a-novel idea. she got really upset about it. for some reason it made me feel guilty because i thought it was neat. i hate it, i hate it, i hate it when they do that. they make me feel guilty when i shouldn't. they make fun of me but when i toe the line a little they lash out at me and make me feel even worse. i have to be nice to them. i have to be civil. or they'll hate me.

who the fuck cares. i'll just sit here drinking my highly caffinated green tea and not caring. i'm thinking about 'on the road' and 'lolita' which i will start next. i'm thinking about how i miss talking to stephen. i'm thinking about how childish they can be.

but look at me. i'm a child too, but in a different way. i'm scared of childish things, and i like childish things. i'm scared of murderers and decapitation and gorey movies and eerie music and large fish and things with too many legs. i'm scared of witnessing something horrible and war and hate crimes and loosing that one person that means more to me than anything else.
i like catching fireflies and running barefoot and dancing like no one's watching and singing off-key to awful songs and coloring outside the lines. i like hand-clap rhymes and making a mess in the kitchen and sticking my tongue out just for fun and cuddling with my cat and rolling on the floor.

i'm not afraid of singing on stage or reading my writings out loud or being without friends or leaving home or starting over or dying my hair blue. i'm not afraid of words or fists or sticks or stones or what you think about me. i'm not afraid to think too much.

i want to know where i left all this behind. why i can be so young but so old.

current mood: pensive
current music: Johnny Cash- Hurt (NIN cover)

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Thursday, February 27th, 2003
8:37 pm - Sorry, sorry, SORRY.
Hi, hi, I am here, i am alive. whee.

things have been good. i've come to the conclusion that once a month i get this pile of work that just kind of threatens to overwhelm me. i've finally gotten over the one for this month and i feel nice.

drama is very fun. very fun. i love it a lot. the dance rehearsals actually give me the exercise i need and make me exhausted. but even without the dancing i've been very tired lately. i've been having a lot of r.e.m. sleep, remembering dreams and waking up tired and such.

i've gotten my hands on a button maker for drama, and i'm going to make a few buttons for myself and some people. i think i'm just going to make ones that say 'Edgeling' and 'UnbornchikkenVoices' for Marc and Krysten, and then i have a few more to make people. i would make one for stephen but i don't know where he is, nor do i know his current address. i want to make one for mike but i don't know what to put on it. oh well, he'll make his own...

i've been having anxiety attacks for the last few nights, but today there isn't one. i promise. i'm just in a good mood. i know my work load is done and i had turkey dinner and i'm getting exercise and my painting is turning out nice and i know my lines for the play and everything is just nice.

meeting people is easy. and quite wonderful.

sorry this was kind of short but at least you know i'm alive and happy. and when things are happy no one wants to hear about it. i'll miss mr. rogers.

current mood: good
current music: Stephen's mix- track 10

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Sunday, February 16th, 2003
11:47 pm
Oh, i am so full of love sometimes you can squeeze it out of me. like toothpaste. let me be your toothpaste.
that is a good name for a cd.

this evening i went to daniel's humble home. to have a frickin' simpsons party. wheee it was fun. yes. afterwards i watched him and dave play 'guess who.' we really are quite silly.
i really, really like 'bohemian rhapsody'. especially in dan's car when he's singing the really high parts.

my nails to be cuttified.

wow, guess how much work i've done on my c.i. report? next to none. i looked up links and such but just bookmarked them. didn't even read them. i am so slacking. holy fuck.

my lips are horribly chapped.

and i am sick of faulty yearbooks.

this was bad, i'm sorry, but you should know by now that when helena is on vacation, helena is dull and reads 'on the road' or plays oracle of ages all day. this is my life. and it is ending one lackadasical minute at a time.

current mood: a little sleepy. yeah.
current music: the cure- just like heaven

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