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Simply put, Fox and the Hound theory. [29 Dec 2003|10:03am]
[ mood | apathetic ]
[ music | Verve Pipe-Bittersweet Symphony ]

Most might say that men enjoy the chase much more than women.
That women would just rather have huge rock(preferrably Harry Winston or Tiffany's) on their finger, settle down, pop out a few kids and be the homemaker they were idealy brought up to be.
_Well the tables have turned my friend,the tables have most definitely turned in deed.
Have you ever noticed all the art, drama,music,movies and even books that are solely based on the very being and spirit of girls?That have touched these artists hearts in such a way that their whole priorities and lifestyles have changed because of one girl? Because they are so undeniable consumed by the ways of a woman that obviously have totally captivated and inspired them in such an immaculate way.
In an addition making that woman for an indefinite amount of time a large part of inspiration, for songs, art,movies and stories... something better known as a "muse".
Let me explain..
Noticed how there are so many emo boys out there singing about their first love, "the one that got away" how ever it may be put. But essentially this amazing girl that is like no other, that broke his little pitiful heart into a million tiny pieces. So for long days followed by some very long nights,months even years he's been writing trying to put his heartbreak into words and sing some unbelieveably heartwrenching cryptic song about his unrequitted,neverending love. All the while, one of his most frequent underlying thoughts is why he writes the most beautiful things when she breaks his heart .
Then there are the painter emo boys. Who paint an array of distorted images venting their pain onto the canvas. Expressing a hurt so deep that not even the most precise and resplendent words can explain, only heartfelt flicks and twists of a paintbrush will do.

Not to mention the plethora of books and movies that have portrayed men falling deeply in love with women who just will have nothing to do with it at all.

ahem...
_Where's the chase in that?

What happened to the "hard to get' boys?
What happened to the "absence will make her heart grow fonder' boys?
..If you find them let me know.

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..i'm a loser baby,so why don't you kill me? [29 Dec 2003|09:19am]
[ mood | awake ]
[ music | Flaming Lips-Do you realize? ]

Alright, so im listening to Flaming Lips 'Do You Realize?' and ill i have to say is heck yeah i realize, im a big fat loser.
i mean seriously it's official... i am the biggest loser,ever.
i woke up and looked at my clock... and the red numbers from lucifer himself blared bright in my eyes ...3:17...p.m.
Who am i? What am i doing with my life? how in the world do i have the most beautiful sleep in the world from 10a.m. to 3p.m? Not to mention sleeping through and missing and the not returning 9 calls. How is tha possible?
So after showering the morning slumber and the 3days prior off myself i spent the entirety of the day by laying around in my red robe with my wet hair and trying to decide what to do with myself.
With other, normal un-insomniatic people the "deciding stage" usually lasts for 20 or 30 minutes.
While mine lasted for a good 5 hours.
I look at the clock with the same blinding unforgiving numbers... it's 8:15
Thankfully April calls and answers my prayers with the invitation of getting the hell out of my so uneventful house.
i got all dressed up and hot for no one,well besides me and myself... and the girl staring at me on the other side of the mirror. and that was ok, i was happy. Atleast i got to wear my South Pacific Pearls!! and that was good because they needed to get out of my jewerly box and shine and liven me up some! My outfit needed a little classy spice to accent my black low cut jacket from H&M, and what better way to add some spice then wrap some wayy to expensive pearls right out of an oyster's mouth around your neck? So after beauty parlor primping time was over- it was time to "wow" whoever runs in my path, because tonight, Holland's going out!

Well let me tell you... i 'wowed','stunned' and what the hell ever else out of two pyscho dogs and two 26year olds dressed in cut-off workout shirts like Tony from infomercials for ThighMaster's would wear and some snap-up-the-side flyaway gym pants. It was absolutely thrilling. We watched like 3 epidsodes of Sex and The City and wayy too much "E!"-actually i take that back you can never have too much of "E!" but still, we overdosed a tidge. After all that i decided i was having to much fun and kind of blinding myself with all the T.v. So i called it a night and headed back to 'home sweet home', where i will probably be spending the remainder of my day tomorrow! great, can't wait!
i'd stay and write more but it would only be ramblings of boring events(for lack of a better word) that are going on around the house- so i will spare you, and besides my bath water is about to run over_and i need to find some candles!
until tomorrow-hasta!

"i've been wondering about life outside of these confining walls, not having to live with the echoes of protective, overbearing voices behind me everytime i walk out the door.
i've been wondering what it would be like..out on my own.
But i know they will never really let me go.
One day, ill make my big escape and i'll just run away, and my theme will be "ill show them", and one day i will.
But not today.
No for now, just meet me half way, and tell me what to do,
im lost, i need direction and i've got no place to run to."

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...a black sunday in december [28 Dec 2003|09:09pm]
[ mood | guilty ]
[ music | Copeland-Testing the strong ones ]

All of their mouths were open but i couldn't hear a sound
Did you hear them?Did their message get through?
Did you realize they were singing for you?

I was dressed in black with a blank face
all that poked through were these sleep-ridden, empty eyes
drained from all the pain you've put me through.
I was content in my cross armed stance
I brought my cold heart and sealed lips
I didn't want to let you in again,
I didn't want to give you another chance.

Another cold sunday and the car ride is long
sunday...the day when the guilt starts to set in
when i admit i put all the blame on you
when everything i thought was right turns out to be wrong.
i'm scared and i don't want to do it alone.
but i keep telling my self i can do it without you,
to hold in there,and stay strong
i don't need these people
i don't need anything
and no, i'm not singing this song.
can't you see my faith is fading fast?
i don't know how much longer i can hold on
my life is falling down around me
and i can't outrun my past
but everytime i fall from you its the same
you help me back up and teach me something new
You made me realize that your love is the only one that will last.

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..delving into the mind of a man. [27 Dec 2003|11:34am]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | The Postal Service- ]

its hard to say whats going on here
i keep wishing for an answer
but its just not that easy
i guess i should've known..
its been months now
and ive looked everywhere
i've talked to everyone..
i've got enough advice
nothing will do
nothing will suffice
the only thing they can say is that my current affliction
that stings like salt to a wound
with no water to relieve
came from our painful addiction...
we don't want to say it but we must
you and me,
we were addicted
to this thing called lust

Here's a little bit more than an excerpt from Wild at Heart, written by John Eldredge.
I encourage all of you boys to read this book it is essential to sorting out all thoughts in your head including your constant every 5seconds lustful desires.
...walking away from the woman..
I have counseled many young men to break up with the woman they were dating because they had made her their life. She was the sun of his universe, around which he orbited. A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name. Only then will he be fit for a woman, for only then does he have something to invite her into. A friend tells me that in the Masai tribe in Africa, a young man cannot court a woman until he has killed a lion. That's their way of saying, until he has been initiated. I have seen far too many young men commit a kind of emotional promiscuity with a young woman. He will pursue her, not to offer her his strength but to drink from her beauty, to be affirmed by her and feel like a man. They will share deep, intimate conversations. But he will not commit, he is unable to commit. This is very unfair to the young lady. After a year of this sort of relationship a dear friend said, "I never felt secure in what i meant to him."
When we feel the pull toward the golden-haired woman, we must recognize that something deeper is at play. As Bly says,
what does it mean when a man falls in love with a radiant face across the room? It may mean that he has some soul work to do. His soul is the issue. Instead of pursing the woman and trying to get her alone... he needs to go alone himself, perhaps to a mountain cabin, for three months, write poetry, canoe down a river, and dream. That would save women a lot of trouble.(Iron John)

-What i am saying is that the masculine journey always takes a man away from the woman, in order that he may come back to her with his question answered. A man does not go to a woman to get his strength; he goes to her to offer it. You do not need the woman for you to become a great man, and as the great man you do not need the woman. As Augustine said,"Let my soul praise you for all these beauties, but let it not attach itself to them by the trap of love", the trap of addiction because we've taken our soul to her for validation.
But there is an even deeper issue than our question. What else is it that we are seeking from the Woman with the Golden Hair?
What is that ache we are trying to assuage with her? Mercy,comfort,beauty,ecstacy-in a word, God. I'm serious. What we are looking for is God.
There was a time when Adam drank deeply from the source of all Love. He-our first father and archetype-lived in an unbroken communion with the most captivating,beautiful, and intoxicating Source of life in the universe. Adam had God. True, it was not good for man to be alone, and God in his humility gave us Eve, allowed us to need her as well. But something happened at the Fall; something shifted. Eve took the place of God in a man's life. Let me explain.
Adam was not deceived by the serpent. Did you know that? Paul makes it clear in 1 Timothy 2:14- Adam did not fall because he was deceived. His sin was different; in some ways, because he was deceived. His sin was different; in some ways, it was more serious in that he did it with open eyes. We do not know how long it lasted, but there was a moment in Eden when Eve was falled and Adam was not; she had eaten, but he yet had a choice. I believe something took place in his heart that went something like this: i have lost my soul mate, the most vital companion I've known. I do not know what life will be like, but I know I cannot live without her.
Adam chose Eve over God.
If you think i exaggerate, simply look around. Look at all the art,poetry, music, drama devoted to the beautiful woman. Listen to the language men use to describe her. Watch the powerful obsession at work. What else can this be but worship? Men come into the world without God who was our deepest joy,our ecstacy. For when we meet Eve's daughters (the young beautiful women with Golden Hair) we are history. For she is the closest thing we've ever encountered , the pinnacle of creation, the very embodiment of God's beauty and mystery and tenderness and allure. And what goes out to her is not just our longing for Eve, but our longing for God as well. A man without his true love, his life, his God, will find another. What better substitute that Eve's daughters? Nothing in creation even comes close.
To a young man who had never been without a girlfriend since the eighth grade, I gave the advice that he should break up, call off all dating for one year. From the look on his face you'd have thought I told him to cut off his arm... or something worse. Do you see what is at work here? Notice that the struggle with pornography or masturbation is most difficult when you are lonely, or beat up, or longing for comfort in some way. This will become more intense as you get closer to your wound. The longing for the ache to go away, and the pull toward other comforters can seem overwhelming. I've watched it in many men. I know it in myself. But if this is the water you are truly thirsty for, then why do you remain thirsty after you've had a drink?
Because it's the wrong well.

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.teardrops in sweater weather [27 Dec 2003|03:15am]
[ mood | melancholy ]
[ music | Mae-Drivin' away ]

I’ve been waiting here for you in this cold rain
Just thinking about how it was, how it use to be
When it was good and pure and fresh
Back in September
Still Hoping…
Hoping you’d remember

Hoping you’d come

Hoping you’d show me that you still loved me

Hoping you’d see that everything is so hard for me without you

Yeah… I’ll admit you do something to me I can’t explain-
You make my eyes heavy and my knees weak
But I guess I forgot how good you were to me
And in the end I left our love with an everlasting stain
It’s so deep not even the rain can wash it away
It bleeds down your eyes… and I realize
Not even my crimson kiss can lift your pain
My face is covered in water drops so you won’t be able to pick out the tears
These lights are blinding
This love has driven me insane


I can’t take this, I’m going home
Kiss me once before I let go-

..I set myself free on that wooden windowpane.

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a night from the past... [26 Dec 2003|04:24am]
[ mood | pissed off ]
[ music | incubus-consequence ]

well i woke up this morning to cameron cline rumaging through my room and all in my mussed morning face. And in my dazed and confused state i realized... oh my god, i forgot to take him home last night! I guess after watching Scarface- (one of the best movies ever might I add) I must have just dozed off, and Cameron fell asleep in the first like 20minutes, so there was no one to wake either of us up! That was interesting…to say the least.
Eventually one of his friends came to pick him up and I headed off the mall to go spend all of my Christmas money! It was burning a hole in my pocket, even though staring at 7 one hundred dollar bills is beautiful, and refreshing-but just think of all the clothes I could buy with that!
So I headed to Cool Springs to meet up with my mom, to see if I could weasel a little bit more money out of her, and she definitely was not having that.
After that I decided that Cool Springs mall was too crowded and plain for me and I would like to spend my money elsewhere. As I’m walking out I see Leslie Smith- my old partner in crime.
She told me Holland; I’m going to go take you to all the amazing boutiques downtown come on let’s go! So I did, and we went to ones I had never heard of! We were served champagne and shopped, is there any better way to do it? Goodness, it was exciting. I got this GSUS jacket, and a cashmere chocolate sweater, that is just beautiful* then we went to Boutique Bella and got 2 pairs of Citizens of Humanity jeans-that are just ballerific, I seriously think I’m in love. We finally had to rest and what better place than Jackson’s? We met a few guys there that told us to come to their bars later tonight. So we decided we'd hang out downtown that night.
We went back to my place got all hot called up April and told her come on we’re going dancing! We get down there and Leslie goes into Tigermart to ask for directions. Anyway one thing led to another after we met this guy named Jesse and we were in this club got in free, free V.I.P. IT WAS AMAZING.
Around about 1 o’clock we decided to call it quits. So we started heading towards Cool Springs and I look in my rear view mirror and see blue lights. I rushed to put my seatbelt on and look somewhat decent since we had sweat dripping down our faces and our hair was bunked up. The dickhead state trooper came up and introduced himself informed me of how fast I was going –87 in a 70. Then he asked me for my license and registration-not to mention there is a pack of cigarettes chillin’ right in the middle consol. My purse was in the trunk and I was like what registration? I was like officer, can you walk me through this I have no idea where that registration crap is. And he gave me some un-necessary smartarse comment back. Anyhow, I got a ticket. It was Ron penishead’s first ticket to give out and he was very pleased. That means traffic court, 4hours of driving school, and no license for like 3weeks. Grrreat. To make a long ending short… I’m grounded indefinitely. So right now as I see it, I really don’t have anything to lose. Because when stuff gets bad for me, it usually always ends up getting worse.
But in the back of my mind I can’t help but think that what happened tonight was a direct message from God. Pretty much just saying, that’s not who you are anymore, I’m not going to let you live that life so stop being something you’re not. Hey, the message was loud and clear. And you know what, thank you-before I did anything else stupid.

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i always heard eggnog was gross, but i had to find out the hard way.. [25 Dec 2003|11:52am]
[ mood | cheerful ]
[ music | The Twelve Days of Christmas-Church Choir ]

Christmas days, gosh I love them. They are filled with everything good and right. Have you ever noticed that Christmas always seems like the longest holiday to get to? Maybe because it’s the most anticipated and played up, but it’s too short. What a bittersweet holiday…
Well I slept in this morning and woke up to the most brilliant stream of sunshine that lit up my whole bedroom and opened my eyes, and to the smell of biscuits baking, honey-baked ham cooking, and Mmm… dressing! With the faint sound of old Christmas songs playing in the background overpowered by the T.v. which was playing “A Christmas Story”.
I finally got up after receiving the oh-so appreciated phone call from Cameron Cline wishing me a Merry Christmas! Then I mustered up the might to put on something decent and frolic downstairs to put a hurtin’(the redneck way of saying I ate the h-e-double hockey stick out of some food)on everything that was in my sight. It’s official, I can put away some twice-baked potatoes, homemade buttermilk biscuits, ham, homemade mac&cheese, and turnip greens like you have never seen, but only on Christmas and Thanksgiving-and if you want to challenge me, come on, bring it- I’ll own you.
So after some quality family chill time, and spreading the Christmas cheer, curly-Q cameover. And we watched Jack Frost and talked about our “status”, what have you.And we came to a comfortable ultimatum/compromise; it was nice we are both on the same page. I like that boy Joel, he’s a nice, understanding kid. We decided that we were going to stick with the whole “no-labels” bit, if we want to go out, well then we’ll go out, if we kiss some, well sheit happens and we’ll get over it, act like it was an accident and probably do it two or three times more and that’s alright. So I’m really okay with where we are at, I think that it’s very mature of us to realize the age that we are at, the things we have to experience (um, like...life), and people we have to meet, places to go, and road trips to take (the ones where you get lost, and then find yourself). All in all, great discussion, awesome movie topped of with a little kissy kiss, but only a little.
He eventually left around 6ish and after that I delved into two pieces of cherry pie with some vanilla ice cream, it was so scrumdiliumptious, I think I might dream about it later-and I don’t feel one bit guilty about it.
That’s is what I love about Christmas! It makes you forget and forgive, it makes you realize that none of the petty stuff really matters-that if you love a person you love them no matter what labels ya’ll have, it makes no-makeup, hair up in a bun, sweatshirt, sweat pants okay (because sweatpants can stretch and you need that on Christmas day, the whole un-buttonin’ the top button of your jeans is NOT cutting it today), it makes you eat two pieces of cherry pie with ice cream and not think twice about it, it makes words like “getchasum”(get you some) and “getindere”(get in there) make sense , it makes Santa earrings and sweaters with snowmen slide, it makes everything smell like evergreens and pine sap with a little hint of cinnamon, and it makes not having skim or non-fat milk, but whole,2% and vitamin D milk kosher-because its Christmas, and you can’t get fat on Christmas!
So for the last few hours of Christmas before my mom and dad hit the sack, I’m going to spend it with the people I love the most, my family. So it’s time to go make that apple cider I love, get some dumplins (as if this little tubby girl hasn’t had enough food),put in “A Christmas Vacation”, wrap up in my down comforters and get ready for a cozy Christmas night.
But first, I’m going to look around and appreciate how much I love how the low Christmas music plays in the background, how the frosted windows make me glad I stayed inside,how the lights from the Christmas tree make the room look so warm and golden with sort of a orange-ish hue, and how those cookies that Santa left behind look so damn good. Merry Christmas everybody!

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..i've got riddles galore. [24 Dec 2003|02:46pm]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | Baby it's Cold Outside- ]

Oh my… today was absolutely unforgettable.
My day started off by sitting in ridiculous, Christmas Eve traffic and then meeting the lovely people at Wal-Mart. I saw Cody there and he helped me find all this stuff for Joel, which was nice, and I helped him find some cover-alls for his dad.
We got the reindeer antlers, the posters, glitter pens, construction paper, and sharpies and we were off!
On the way to my aunt Mimi’s house for the traditional night before Christmas family get-together I worked on the elfgram jingle. After a few attempts I finally got a keeper!
It went:
I know you probably think this is crazy
But I thought this all up last night
Because I’m so stinkin lazy-
So I sent my friend mark
And his little helper
Don’t worry he’s all bark
And although I’m single
I still wanted you to hear this
Little Christmas jingle!
So here’s your elfgram
Hope you like your Christmas presents
You got everything but a honey-baked ham….
This year has gone by so fast
And soon Christmas Day will be in the past
So I’m going to try my best to make these precious memories last
And all I can say is that Joel-
You are the cutest curly-haired boy I know
And I don’t deserve it but all I really want for Christmas is you…
With a bow*

Ok, is that not the most darling, precious little thing you have ever heard? Well, I thought so.
So Santa should up at his doorstep around 10:30ish and gave him the surprise of his life, and scared his mom a little bit.
Mark was awesome! He was totally decked out in the whole Santa gear. It was really a sight to see! He said everything right, gave him his presents and then he said, “ are you ready for the best gift of all?” and Mark clapped, (which was my cue) and I came from behind the bushes dying laughing and hoping to see an amazed boy at the things that I would do for him. And I got it. I loved today, and even though me and Joel aren’t together, I still love that boy.

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..just so everyone knows, Eve screwed us girls over... [23 Dec 2003|07:18am]
[ mood | rushed ]
[ music | John Mayer-My Stupid Mouth ]

The events of the day can be described in words but you will never fully understand the feelings that were all compiled into this one little day, that is December the 23rd.
Let me just say that I have NEVER been so elated and distraught in one day in all my life.
Ok, well first off it was raining. I just have a thing for rain, but not December rain. December rain is cold, and leaves a stinging feeling that makes you miss the one you can’t be with.
So during this gray rainy day, i just knew that my new phone I was on my way to get would surely be a radiant beam of sunshine, because it was mine, and it would be new!
So my elation came from my mother waking me up from my deep slumber around 1 o’clock in the afternoon, but for my sleeping schedule that was like 4 o’clock in the morning for you normal sleepers.
Anyway, when she woke me up she told me that my dad was going to let me get a better phone today, because mine sucks and it’s a piece.
So we took a trip down to Sprint PCS and I got the cutest little Samsung silver camera flip phone that you ever did see! It does all these things I don’t know how to do, but they are there, and when the day comes that i figure out how to work it, all will be right with the world. but until then I will just be in awe of the wonderful-ment that my phone posseses.ahh... i feel like its my kid! I think i'll call it my "Santa Came Two Days Early"plan (sprint joke)
So After about a few good in depth hours of transferring my phonebook from my old, beat-up eyesore of a cricket phone to my new glorious, beautiful, oh-so fortunate looking and resplendent Sprint phone. I get a call!! And what to my wondering eyes would i appear?
Well it was “Hey Too Cool”-which is Joel
goodness, he's been a queer.
I had called him like a million times and he finally called back! I was surprised. I begged him to come over yeah... I'll admit it, I begged. And I guess he felt obligated because last night he rejected me and my momma’s “mm mm good” dumplings and stayed at home.
So he came over pretty late and I gave him a *preview * of his Christmas present before I started sniffling, then some tears started to roll down my cheeks and fell on to his lips and he tasted it. That’s about when I told him what I had been keeping from him. To say the very least the shit hit the fan. We both cried- well, I had like a river flowing from my eyes and Joel’s eyes filled with tears, like what…once? But seriously, I have never seen him like that before. He wasn’t acting like an abusive alcoholic or anything, but in his head he was throwing chairs, beer bottles and anything else he could get his hands on –ya know, that whole dramatic scene. But he just looked at me, and all I could do was sob the words “I’m so sorry, do you believe me?” I said that about a hundred times and he just kept on saying “I have to go, I can’t be here, not like this.” He tried to leave, but I knew if he walked out that door he would never talk to me again. It took all of my strength to make him stay, I think he let me win,because he knew what would happen if he left.
- How can I do the things I do to the cutest boy ever?
- ...And with eyes like he has.
God, those eyes are going to be the end of me… they really are.
I told him that I would do anything for him to forget what I did. And he said anything?? To say the least, he took full advantage of that (not like that, he is a gentleman). But he said that the whole “ I will do anything” is going to last for a while…which is fair, I mean I can’t argue with that.
So after he left me and mom stayed up until like 6:43 a.m. trying to think of what I could do to “put a rug over the mess I made.” During our brainstorming, I came up with the brilliant idea of doing an elf-gram and having Mark Roberts be Santa and my brother be his little reindeer/camera-man helper who would be video-taping throughout the whole day to show Joel everything we had to do, so I have to get some sleep so I can get up and do this last minute “take me back, I’m sorry, let’s slide this under the rug” little bit! so wish me luck!

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..how he felt in mexico [23 Dec 2003|03:09am]
[ mood | discontent ]
[ music | Silver Chair-Fell in love People Sleepin ]

This vacation's useless
These white pills aren't kind
I've given a lot of thought on this 13-hour drive
I miss the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9
And slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights
I've given a lot of thought to the nights we use to have
The days have come and gone
Our lives went by so fast
I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
Where i laid and told you, but you sweared you loved me more

Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will i shake this off pretend its all okay
That there someone out there who feels just like me
There is

Those notes you wrote me
I've kept them all
I've given a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall
With every single letter in every single word
There will be a hidden message about a boy that
loves a girl

Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
that There's someone out there who feels just like me
There is

Do you care if i don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me

Do you care if i don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me
There is

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.. and the traffic lights were so bright [22 Dec 2003|02:38pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | Rufus Wainwright-Around the Universe ]

uh, today was just one of those days where fun just could not be found.
i mean don't get me wrong, i thorougly enjoyed seeing the oh-so suprised expression on kelley's face after she saw her car all of her friends pitched in and bought.But i couldn't help but feel overwhelmed myself. but i will say, we did do a good christmas deed, and she'll never forget today!

so here go the ramblings of my day and my thoughts in one compact and unclear paragraph, read between the lines-you'll need to.

but i dont know, tonight i went on a scaveger hunt or wild goose chase, what have you looking for fun.. it started at the mall where everyone and their mother was there spreading their christmas cheer, ringing their bells, drinking their gingerbread,peppermint,or cinnamon coffees, fumbling with their shopping bags,standing in line to tell some fat pediphile of a white bearded man that slightly resembles santa their scroll of a christmas list... ahhh the cool springs mall in december...
meanwhile during all this un-necessary holiday mess the sea of crazed christmas shoppers parted and i stepped into Hollister to visit joel who was in no mood to talk to me or spread any holiday spirit-not even a morsel.Then i saw Kelley Jean and we chatted at every single table in abercrombie,and "scrunched" the clothes to give them the vintage edge- gosh, you can never get enough of Kelley!! she always puts me in a good mood* next i went to maggie moos for a cold christmas treat, i did not need, went to chelsh's picked her sweet arse up, met up with the drunk kids at peyton's decked out castle. Finally i came home, got comfy and now i feel like the fattiest fat kid ever! because this white girl put a hurtin' on some chicken and dumplins. i ate em' like a fat kid in 50 cent's video eats cake.
so now im upset because if i tried real hard i could literally rest my glass of milk on my full and oh so plump tummy;(.
ok my day was eventful, but extremely tiring.
i don't know, just something about days like today just turn me into such a glass half empty kind of girl. i mean i promise im not normally like this, but i guess its just something about the weather, or the way the wind blew but i don't know- something definitely is just not right.
here are my symptoms of holiday hating:
i am so sick of couples eskimo kissing,cooking baking, present exchanging,hand holding,footsie playing,memory making,picture taking and whatever the f-bomb else stupid in love couples do during this season. i am so anti-love right now. so anti-anything nice or holiday-ish. ok so im being a green grinch but atleast i will totally call myself out on it- but when the past month or so has just gone plain shitty, i think i have my venting rights.i mean come on im wearing hot pink- and somehow im still ill.And don't think im enjoying this,i don't want to be upset during christmas. its kind of scary to admit but i am sort of scared that my side of the christmas tree is going to be baren, and i will have lumps of coal in my stocking.i need to go dream of some candycanes and sugarplums or somethin! lord.
gosh, i miss that boy.

-oh holidays schmolidays.

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..in the deep end [21 Dec 2003|07:38pm]
[ mood | drunk ]
[ music | Pink Floyd-Wish you were here ]

the phone conversation lasted for a month. and you keep repeating the same things over and over. but tonight you said something new. you told me that you miss me and that i still have your heart.
you said "i mean holland, i miss everything about you. Even the bad things-the bad made the good even better. Holland, i miss our first innocent kiss in the field in september, i miss our long talks on the swing in november, i miss how i would start to studder when i would talk to you, i miss the butterflies,i miss your laugh and how your nose would always scrunch up, i miss when i hugged you how you would always whisper "tighter", i miss the way you made my clothes smell, i miss how you would kiss me right when i needed it,i miss our sunday afternoon naps, i miss being the first one to hug you in the morning, and i miss the way you needed me...but most of all i miss the way...the way i thought you loved me."
................................................................................................
this is killing me.
i can't shake this
it just won't go away-

My mind is saying one thing but my body won't let go
this feeling still keeps trying to unravel my heart
it keeps pulling and tugging...
but ill die before i let it show.
but whats a heart anyway?after its all over, the whole damn thing falls apart.
well here it is, open for all to see, so i guess now you know.
For weeks doubt and confusion have been loitering in my head
pacing back and forth through the dark,empty
quarters of my mind.
There's a stinging spirit in my soul
he's familiar and unkind
he lingers into the blurred, but not forgotten memories.
This ghost on my chest makes my heart have a different beat-
i don't feel alive-
the warm air starts to rise and im suffocated in heat
My mind feels like its stuck between two contracting walls
and my body starts to writhe
And my soul- my soul tries to pierce through the gray gloom
to reveal the undeniable glow of all that was right
but i don't care i won't remember tomorrow
my fists are clinched and ready for a fight
all bets say
get ready for a long night...
my heart deceives me,
and my mind is always unclear
but ill leave a hole in the wall in remembrance of this shitty year.
And ya know,one day it'll come to me, ill see where it all went wrong
oh what the hell, just give me another beer
id rather drink myself dry before i start to write one more song.
this love has gone and now its done
and its been another drink too long.-unknown

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i can't make it any better.. [21 Dec 2003|12:34pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]
[ music | Travis-Driftwood ]

Hold on
Hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
you know that only time will tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe
this isn't easier than the real thing
My love
you know that you're my best friend
you know I'd do anything for you
my love
let nothing come between us
my love for you is strong and true
Am I in heaven here or am I...
at the crossroads I am standing
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
see another day and we will praise it
and love the light that brings a smile
across your face
Oh god if you're out there won't you hear me

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what it is/what it was/what it had to be [21 Dec 2003|03:00am]
[ mood | groggy ]
[ music | Luna Halo-Shimmer ]

what ive been feeling lately-please bear with me, its kind of rough.

i hid my face in my pillow to drown out the cries of my defeated heart.
The wet pressed mascara on my pillowcase
made the memories hard to erase
and left the stain of a fresh heartbreak.
I don't even know you anymore, i really don't .
What's going on behind those blue eyes of yours?
Nothing? really, that's funny- it seems like thats been
a recurring question i'll never get an answer to.
and as i think it over in my head, my knees hit the floor
and the recently familiar tears begin to flow. and i know i can't
cry the hurt away, but maybe if i sit here long enough it will leave me.
but i have to be honest with myself
the lingering pain won't fade, at least not for now.
No, it will stay and be a constant reminder of the fall of my heart
and how i forfeited love for lust.

...............................................
as i lie here in bed
i remeber all the things
i wished i never said.
I've been looking at these familiar walls two hours too long
and still your name is the one that keeps running through my head.
-do you hear that? i hate that sound. The silence.
The dull nothingness you can't hide from.
For the longest time all i could hear
was the sound of the man running back and forth
through the halls of my mind
looking for something
he just won't find.
Love.
Oh, you hear that?The beat of a constant slow drum?That, thats just the plea of a distant heart.
yeah, the one that's still in the palm of your hand.
...this is the part of love ill never understand

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life is a huge game of dodge ball.. [21 Dec 2003|01:44am]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | landon pig-disappointing day ]

There are not words to describe today.The days are definitely already starting to do that meshing thing. i woke up really late again today and went out to the mall met up with april talked to her for a while and donnie. we talked for e v e r in abercrombie. We noticed that these boys were like sorta staring at us, and i looked and it was this boy i know named C.j. from GAP training(by the end of it he told me he loved me)it was really weird and awkward, but maybe ill come visit him while i'm in Manchester? April and i decided that we were wearing out our welcome at abercrombie so we left and got in some road rage and then danced with the pig (joe)on the side of the road infront of Famous Dave's, it was great, we got a lot of response and we definitely pulled in some customers.haha we also got a few "oh hell yeahs" and " you are hot as f***" which by the way just doesn't make sense-but thanks anyway. so after the shananigans infront of famous dave's april took me back to my car and i drove over to peter's and sat with him for a while to see if he was ok. we talked for a little bit then went over to allen's to collect my thoughts. everyone over there was crying, drunk, or drunk and crying + just talking about all the good times with Will. To fill you in" Last night,Will MacGreggor, this hilarious, shy kid that i've known since i was in 8th grade was killed last night. He and his girlfriend got into an argument and he got out of the car, and in some way or another he jumped out infront of the car, and she ran him over. She drug him a good 10 to 15 ft. before she stopped. She got out of the car and all she saw was a long trail of blood, his glasses and his shoes. It hasn't really hit me yet i don't think. We all just sat over there and it was really mellow and just remembered the memories and all,it was nice but i still have this heavy feeling on my chest i can't shake. Its funny how much you realize you take your life for granted, when someone close to you dies. what an ironic reality check. When peter and gabe almost got killed in car accidents i lost it. From then on all of my boys call me when they get home or wherever they are staying and we always say i love you,because you seriously don't know if that could be the last time. I don't know, that stuff is crazy and hurts my head.
so just to get some levity, i went to jonathan's and met up with jason and his sister kristy and listened to Greg rock it out, and then Drew Reamer stepped up to the mike and tried his hardest to sound slightly sublime-ish.I really wanted to give Drew some pretty straight-forward advice. It would probably go like this:Hey drew, lets just stick to soccer-something you are actually good at. The lights and music started to fade and everyone started leaving and I ended up dropping Kristy off at Deborah's and we talked for a good hour and a half and just caught up. I miss her and her little chihuaha, Lily that got fleas in my car, i can't stop itching. She talked to me about her on/off romance with the lead singer of Better Than Ezra. And i talked to her about my crazy heart and non-exsistent love life- then we talked about how cute All American Reject lead singer is, and i was like atleast he doesn't look exactly like my yoelybum. And coming to that realization totally and completely sucks.
I told her that maybe one day, she would hear about a boy, that plays guitar and is the lead singer of some amazing band and i'm his muse that he is absolutely in love with. oh... and he'll write songs about me on the back of empty cigarette cartons and tattered napkins ...
R.I.P. Will MacGreggor-12.20.03

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..the first snow came... [20 Dec 2003|03:53am]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | Mae-Skyline Drive ]

can you believe i didn't wake up until 2:30 today? what the crap is that ridiculousness?! april spent the night last night and we had a very mellow night was totally needed. she cameover and we had plethora of junkfood and these "mm mm good" delish melted chocolate chip cookies that my momma is just known for, with some wine accompanied by splash cloves which were essential to having an unwinding evening. i took a bubblebath because i had to get that infamous sonic stench off me.so i got in the tub and i made it so it was all candlelit and pleasant with ample amounts of chocolate, wine and..april. haha, is that bad? it didn't feel weird at all, thats the crazy part.like a full on romantic evening including, wine, chocolate, bubble bath and all- with a chick. she sat on the pot while i was in the bathtub and everything was totally kosher. our whole night consisted of candlelight talks, cookie and chocolate eating, clove smoking out the window on my windowseat wrapped up in my amazing down comforter while snowflakes fell , and some sweetarse wine(just to unwind, or what have you) and reminescing- i live for stuff like that. i thoroughly enjoyed my laid back night with her- the events of yesterday just sort of drained me.
so anyway, after the intial shock of waking up so late, the morning-er afternoon glaze started to wear off and i started getting ready for the latter part of the day at around 4:30. i left my house around 5:30ish and ventured out into the snowy bitter cold-yes, it was snowing. but not a good snow, this snow was like a tease of a winter storm, i hate those kind of snows...they piss me off. anyhow i met up with kate after like an hour of waiting on her at the mall and looking at bras and underwear that i would N E V E R buy at victoria's secret. but i want to get some scandalous bras and underwear(for only my viewing pleasure only) just to have it so i feel like a sucy minx 24/7, but nobody knows why sort of thing. i don't see anything wrong with that. so i picked out two really cute ones that im keeping in mind.but so i finally met up with kate and we met up with gabriel who i miss so much,i love that boy!!we went over to cliff's house and just listened to music and played pool. i am such a pool shark its ridiculous, someone needs to stop me.No, no im serious come try to stop me i will own you and the little bit of change you got in your pocket. Then peter and richard cameover, and that was interesting with a hint of awkwardness(i won't explain, too long and un-necessary). it was just so good to hang out with the people that i miss and love more than anything. Honestly,gabe and peter are soo soo important to me.like i love those boys, because we tell eachother that we love eachother,(like me and peter, and me and gabe) but its like completely platonic and because we've just all been through soo much together. I don't know what i would do without either of them i wish that they would just get over this bullsheit and become friends again. we won't go into that, but i just lurve(no not love, luRVe) those boys.but after a pretty lengthy time of 'straight kickin it' they were headed out to mufreesboro, and thats just not my scene so i decided to call it a night and head on home. so before dropping me off at my car we stopped by taco bell + got some dog food in a taco, watched a man fall of his face due to a patch of ice in the parking lot and talk about just ridiculous things that only a mind of a pothead could think up.oh lord, my phone's ringing im pretty sure its peter letting me know he got home safe from the "boro". good night!

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..its hard to handle heartbreak... [19 Dec 2003|02:16am]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | A Simple Plan-Heartbreaker/No Doubt-This is My life ]

ok so, did i miss the memo that it was cool to leave upset, not to mention irate voicemails about ex-girlfriends? yeah... i'd have to say that i d e f i n i t e l y did. Today while making a view calls, i called a now,friend of mine and heard his voicemail,it went:unbelieveable..she called again... and most importantly those apples-(all of these things in some way or another have to do with me -don't ask about the apples i don't even know) which leaves a fragrance oh so bittersweet,and if i'm not mistaken, i think its called "heartbroken in mexico". So today once again, to my great dismay i re-discovered the immaturity of boys, even the one i formerly picked and what they will do to get the last word in. The reason why i know this is because of the great example of my brother, Walter. "Sibling Rivalry"-when we were going through those stages i recall him stating this phrase "Got you last cause im fast, go me "no" because you are fat and slow." I discussed this with other older sisters and they recalled similar instances as well. All of these things support my theory, which will eventually lead it to become fact.That boys, even boys that you ASSUME (which makes an ASS out of U -not ME) that may have a handful of scruples or maturity in sticky situations,(like i don't know..breakups?) will still do anything, even if they do look a little bit juvenile and ridiculous to get the last word in or just to flat out make a fool of themselves. OR to say some un-necessary comment about those apples, or that apple...-goodness!can't we just be friends and not talk about fruit? i don't even like apples.

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..clarity is always appreciated [19 Dec 2003|01:10am]
[ mood | loved ]
[ music | N.E.R.D-Its almost over now ]

-just to be crystal clear in the journal entry titled "its hard to handle heartbreak" when i was talking about voice messages- you know, about how i must have missed the memo about leaving irate and ill voicemails about exgirlfrieds, all of the sudden becoming the new hit trend. The voice messages-i was referring to, they weren't at all just voice messages that only i could have personal access to, oh no my friend. i was talking about on an answering machine for all to hear. Which in other words the public humilation which was meant for me just backfired.

"This love has taken its toll on me"-well written by Maroon 5

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i love seamrippers... [18 Dec 2003|11:51pm]
[ mood | rushed ]
[ music | All American Rejects-On repeat ]

ok so whoever invented the seamripper is a g e n i u s. like honestly, who are you? today, i wore these jeans that i haven't worn inforever and i was about to be so upset because they were too short! and then i was like well shoot, ill just be ghetto and take the hem out, and with some like makeshift seam ripper it would have taken me forever, but thanks to the magical tool that i can actually use-the seamripper it took me a reasonable 5 minutes! and my jeans gained an extra like 10inches!no doubt.
anyway, so i took some unecessarily hard exams today that i thought for sure i was going to do well on. Govt. and English. they just asked questions that were vague and obscure and a lot of head scratchers. like on govt. it was like define jurisdiction list what the federal courts have jurisdiction over and its limits. like jim shapiro come on what the hell is all this jargon bullsheit you have NOT taught us? i got ill, the whole tapping the pencil nervously thing set in right about then, and needless to say, i got that question wrong. and in english, well we won't even go there, it was just upsetting all around, i made nice designs with the bubbles though. and i had to look up words in the dictionary like a million times. For words like "profuse" which i now know means "spending without worry" and "resplendent" which means "shining brightly" and "albeit" which Ben Bloom told me is interchangeable with of course. But at least i added some words to my daily expanding vocabulary..eh. but so in between govt. and english me and chelsea did our normal routine and skipped and i went home and showered and got all freshened up and what not because last night at chelsea's was R O U G H, lord it was rough. Then after the day was over i went to starbucks with kate and had a nice chat and then rockstar Justin York and his precious squeaky little brother Taylor joined us. + we talked about current events,the mysteriousness that he says i posses, and when the crap CECiL is going to play again. So besides some un-necessarily hard exams, today was pretty swell. Well its about that time to go serve up some steamin sonic food! hasta!

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lets remember thumppers rule... + i ended the night with a bang! [17 Dec 2003|11:31pm]
[ mood | satisfied ]
[ music | Shane McConnel-O Holy Night ]

"if you can't say anything nice, don't say it at all"- from the poet, Thumpper in the Classic Disney Movie, "Bambi" -what a clever little creature.

k, first off, just because its on the top of my head i just wanted to let everyone know, that i have decided, self tanner may not be the best way to tan, but it sure is the healthiest. it gives a glow, although not always even but it will suffice. so me and self-tanner and along with all the other self tanner users who may appear in ways orangish- its alright don't let it get you down, look at it this way, its a small price to pay to avoid the risk to get skin cancer and to have wrinkle-free skin right about the age where it the crows feet and other grows wrinkles named after animals usually start to set-in... so i am proud to be a self-tanner user.* nuf said.

so after sitting around chelsea's house for a bit, after just getting home, i looked at chels and decided, we've got to get out of here. so me and chels took one last lap around the hot spots of this town before heading back to her house to settle down and get a halfarse night of sleep before midterms tommorrow. and i am NOT worried at all. We stopped by starbucks for the second time. The first time we saw van,grayson,phillipe,and mikey and it was all awkward silences + weird vibe-ness- the second time was a bunch better! we saw shane and aaron (better known as shaaron) and aaron from By The Tree. it was nice we got shane's christmas CD and talked about how i should def. def. definitely NOT dye my hair black. It was totally a joke, but i feel like i need a drastic change and you can't get much more drastic than blonde to black. it'll never happen because i can't let go of my blondishness, but i was a cool thought at the moment. Then we drove around aimless looked at christmas lights talked about everything and nothing all in one paragraph listened to outkast and maroon 5 and then went to peyton's gigantic white majesticness on the corner of Franklin Rd. and Murray Lane. lord, it needs an american flag out front-wait i think they have one? so we visited with Peyton and Hornsby for a bit, but i definitely still have a crick in my neck for lookin at the beast. its ridic. well off too bed i have to get a good nights sleep before wafflehouse tom. woop woop!

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