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I have horrible thoughts when i wake up, when i go to bed, when i see the people i love. I see them dying, i see myself hurting their feelings, i see them feeling sad cause of what i said. I see them hating me. I feel bad when people eat food. I feel bad for people i don't know. I see horrible things happening to me. I see myself ripping my ribs out because they are so close to my skin, I see myself killing people, I see myself hurting my cat, i see myself acting out on impulse, i see myself screaming, i get angry out of no where, I'm annoyed to the point i want to scream and punch someone in the face. I always want to punch someone in the face. I see people being cut, i see people being shot, i see people dying. I'm always in pain. My knees hurt, my neck hurts, my head hurts, my abdominal and stomach always hurt, my back hurts, i get shooting pains up my arms. It hurts to pee, it hurts to have sex, i have a bump inside of me. I wake up some mornings so sensitive that i can barely touch my stomach or rub my hands over my arms. I live a life full of pain. I beg my mom for pain killers, i beg for any kind of relief from the pain. I take muscle relaxers every night to stop the pain and to stop the thoughts. I get so angry all the time, I get so mad that i can barely stand to be awake, i shake with anger and i want to hit the person near me. I cant stand how people act, i dont want to be around immature or dumb people. I don't' want to be talked to like im a 5 year old. When i was a kid i use to put red paint on me and tell my mom i was hurt to see if she would believe me, she never did. I don't know why i did it. I get so happy at one moment, and so sad or angry at the next. I cry and then i get annoyed if someone else cries. I would rather be alone at school then be with people. i am fully happy with my life, and who i am. I have a boyfriend, I have a family, and I have a bestfriend. I don't want to die. I don't want to hurt anyone. i am happy, I'm not sucidal, i've been having these thoughts as long as i remeber.
but i don't want to live like this forever.
it feels like I'm living a life in a movie when it happens. Because it doesn't actually happen for real.
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cheerful
