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Thursday, June 7th, 2007
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5:22 pm - a long time
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amen to that!
it has been a long time coming. god do i miss venting out in writing, or i just miss writing. period. it is just frustrating that the cause of this activity would be due to something i abhor.
can i just say.. i hate my work. i hate my boss. with a passion. that i don't care if this gets out. it's my opinion. so there.
i just want to resign. please lord.
amen to that.
current mood: enraged
current music: Creep by Radio Head
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| Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
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1:22 pm - another from 12/6 - felt the same way as how yen did, or still does?
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From: Bustillo, Heizel Louren
Sent: Tue 12/6/2005 7:22 AM
To: Reyes, Gabrielle Elga
Subject: a story for caterpillars (the parable of my life)
prologue:
isa pa elgatots.. namimiss ko ang akong cuz na si kuya bryan.. waaahh.. ill tell u more about him some time:( sad lang talaga ako today
Artist's Comments
~freetaxiride, deviant since Jul 7, 2004
actually, this aint exactly a story. i was suppose to come up with a story but i found myself writing to my bestfriend instead. i guess this still falls under the "story" category since this is the story of my so-called-life
i wrote this letter for Isang, my bestfriend since we were 12 or 13... i forgot how long have we been friends exactly. all i know is that without her, i'd have no shoulder to cry on to. we're the perfect foil for each other; if i'm the bitch everybody would love to hate, she's this perfectly sweet-tempered angel everybody can't help but adore.
A Story for Caterpillars
A deviation by ~freetaxiride (© 2004-2005)
A Story for Caterpillars - Complete Piece
Dear Isang,
I know you would've given anything to turn me into another Pollyanna. I know I could still be completely honest with you so I'm not exactly a bit hesitant to tell you that yes, you're right. I still get angry and upset but I try so hard not to fall into the abyss. You know Isang.. I am so tired. Psychologically/mentally/emotionally. I just want to get away.. I'm so sick and tired of people. Noise. Pretentions. Masks. Expectations I feel pressured to meet. I'm so tired. Of smiling. Of not being able to express what is truly within me. I want to go somewhere quiet... where i can be alone with God and nature. Where I don't have to please anyone, or say anything, or be a good something. I see myself alone on a cliff with the gorgeous blue ocean and white waves breaking the silence below me. I want to just feel, for once, just see.. not just think, not worry. I find myself wanting to fly. I'm just so, so tired...
Last night, after we talked i re-read this book *Hope For the Flowers by Trina Paulus. It's a story of Stripe, a catterpillar who, just like me, was born into a world of sunshine but as time went by, felt like life was getting dull. "There's still must be more to life." Stripe still didn't know that a butterfly is what he is meant to become. But to be a butterfly, you must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a catterpillar. You have to die a little. But if you die, life is changed, not really taken away. It's a different death from those who die without ever becoming butterflies. Yes, it's true. I'm afraid. Angry. Because now, it gets darker and darker. I feel as though I have to let go of everything and everyone. And the truth is, now, I want to let go. Isang, I don't want to die, but the truth is, I can't be a butterfly until I stop being a catterpillar. We have to die to our old life in order to rise to the new one. So now, I guess I can say that I'm not that afraid of death anymore. Even if every minute, I feel as though it may come knocking at my door. I know I have to stop being afraid.
Thank you, Isang. If not for my family and friends like you, I wouldn't know where to find the strength to carry on. You gave me hope. I just want to put into words what I'm feeling right now because time is gaining fast on me and I may lose this chance to say the things I feel bound to tell you. And also because it's heavy. Too much so. I know my obligations, my responsibilities. I wasn't one to run away before. I know I won't run away now. I just wish I could be stronger inside. You're right. I shouldn't care about what others think or say about me. But I'm only human. It's not that I want not to, but I just can't help caring. I love, and so I find it hard to be unfeeling. To be cold. I don't know.. I mean, I do know what I SHOULD be doing, what I SHOULDN'T be feeling.. but all the same, I want to think someone would still take care of those I love when I go. How I love to go to that dream vacation getaway we always talked about when we were young and innocent. But I know I have to do whatever pleases those around me. Maybe I'm doing this as some kind of a retribution. Some kind of payback for all the pains I caused everybody. Right now, I'm still struggling to hang in there; to not give up. Despite all the pain, all my headaches.. I know I would never give in. Guess you were right again in branding me a fighter all those years ago. Not that I had any choice. But hey, I don't really know where such confidence comes from. I think I have to work more on my humility. Seriously, I think such inner strength is a gift and all of us have it within us. I'm grateful that I have some traction now. It doesn't really change essentially who you are but it fixes things just the way insulin does for people with diabetes. Still, I know I have a lot to be grateful. Grateful for each sunrise I welcome. Grateful for still being with those I love. I could even say(without feeling all those negative emotions), that I'm looking forward to that day when I shall depart.
So now, I guess I wouldn't have you calling me every hour, checking on how I'm doing. I guess I could still be weird, often embarassing but need not worry about getting packed off to be amongst people locked within padded walls. You know my life hasn't been exactly perfect. So what? Who cares? At least, I lived and I would've liked to think that I made a difference. I guess that's what matters. But even if I didn't, I really don't care that much. Not anymore. I know I'll be seeing you later. I guess we could talk more about this then.
But if I'm not there, you know I found peace at last. Be happy for me. And I'd still see you again, if not soon, then someday.
always,
H
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12:37 pm - more from 12/6
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today i couldn't help being sad. at first it was just the effect of my mom on me. you know how it is with mather daughter relationships, love-hate. right now, it's simply hate. god, how i detest her sometimes. but inside it hurts that she doesn't see me beyond air. i don't want to be affected by i am. then like always it grew out of proportion into every part of my life, that nothing is going for me right now. not one thing. family, nada. love life nada. work, nada. everything. even the seemingly superficial social life is nonexistent. i am a machine nowadays, stuck in meaningless routine. i actually couldn't care less about le amor, but give me the chance to get a remote sense of a dream job and i'll be the happiest girl. and yet no, there really is no opportunity for now. everything has fizzled out as if a tantalizing mirage. and i cry as usual. i'm tired. but that is the cycle of my life. if there is one good thing about today, it is that i got to share this with yen. didn't expect to find such a supportive shoulder to lean on. she's another psycho, manic depressive suicidal creative kindred. today, her writings and musings give me hope. such as the following below, and the other one to follow.
all i ask is the chance, and i'll jump. with all my might just to get to the other side.
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12:37 pm - more from 12/6
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today i couldn't help being sad. at first it was just the effect of my mom on me. you know how it is with mather daughter relationships, love-hate. right now, it's simply hate. god, how i detest her sometimes. but inside it hurts that she doesn't see me beyond air. i don't want to be affected by i am. then like always it grew out of proportion into every part of my life, that nothing is going for me right now. not one thing. family, nada. love life nada. work, nada. everything. even the seemingly superficial social life is nonexistent. i am a machine nowadays, stuck in meaningless routine. i actually couldn't care less about le amor, but give me the chance to get a remote sense of a dream job and i'll be the happiest girl. and yet no, there really is no opportunity for now. everything has fizzled out as if a tantalizing mirage. and i cry as usual. i'm tired. but that is the cycle of my life. if there is one good thing about today, it is that i got to share this with yen. didn't expect to find such a supportive shoulder to lean on. she's another psycho, manic depressive suicidal creative kindred. today, her writings and musings give me hope. such as the following below, and the other one to follow.
all i ask is the chance, and i'll jump. with all my might just to get to the other side.
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12:35 pm - written 12/6 at work, on a depressing day (yet again!)
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some thoughts to myself while going to work (as usual, thinking and talking to myself like the crazy psycho i am):
- they said that being moved by the music is not an actual connection and relationship with God. For a moment after having read that in A Purpose Driven Life, i thought how right that was, and how seemingly pretentious that would have been. admittedly, i have been like that a few times. however, now i think how wrong that argument really is. how could that be, when the spririt that moves the musicians to write these songs comes from God himself? if that's the case, then logically, my being affected by that music, you are indeed filled with the same spirit. and i guess that's why they call music as the universal language. because no matter what mother tongue it originated from, the melody and its rhythms speak far out loud than its words will ever be. yet of course, together, they are infinitely powerful with the message it carries. in effect my counter argument is that being moved by a song is not devoid of a Godly moment for indeed He may be reaching out to you in that very moment, or should i say note key.
- it is better to be in a far off place without anyone you know and be alone, rather than to be in a familiar place with all the people that matters to you yet feeling lonely. (read: bring me to NYC! if only i could apparate.)
- you never know where you can find a kindred soul: love ya yen! thanks. :)
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| Friday, November 25th, 2005
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1:20 pm - for future/better (esp layout-wise) blogeroo
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11:52 am - obviously i'm enjoying my net time, oh and i don't find the name that sexy :(
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10:39 am
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the previous entry, i think is prolly indicated in PST time. courtesy of e-tel comp.
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| Thursday, November 24th, 2005
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7:11 pm - why bittersweet
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lately life has seemed forever bittersweet.
the phase, as they say, is because of this point in time where you try to set the direction your life will take. it seems to be the most crucial of moments. for me the concern really is my job. what else can i center my life on? but truth be told, this bittersweet sentiment and aura i have actually started ever since i got back from hungary. yes, that seems to be ages ago. however i can never fully let go. it was an accomplishment of a great dream. and right now and ever since that last day and final hour all by myself, i had thought to myself that i was being pulled away by a great force from this dream, waking me in to this sad and awful reality. right now, all i can do is just nod in complete affirmation once again, for i cannot tell when i will be plunged again into such a beautiful time as that. i feel that i'm completely free when i am somewhere else. it sounds completely unrealistic, out-of-touch, and slightly delusional. true. i can't deny, and maybe in a way, it is my own form of escapism. i am lost in another world and i am happy.
and yet lately, as the days continue to drag on, without obvious improvement, it has aggravated even more with the addition of an event so terrible. though it seems to my eyes only, and hopefully to my dearest of friends. however, that is altogether for another entry, which i should really do before the powers of time dull its effects and true occurence.
for now, i am pushed into writing again due to an entry i saw through cats' blog - that of guad's/geekspoon entry, of which i will include here. as i said in my comment, it hits me to the core. all i can add is that this is why i can never seem to let go of my song, circa 2nd year college: Why Georgia of mr. john mayer. it explained to me this feeling of being adrift. it put all my emotions and thoughts into that simple song which in prose, is the article i have just mentioned:
"being 20-something
They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you. You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.
You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life.
You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.
You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender. What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out."
so what was i saying? right? right.
here's to days of schizophrenia. cry, laugh, laugh, cry. and cry some more.
current mood: contemplative
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| Friday, July 22nd, 2005
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8:27 pm - [flourish of a pen]: startled by rain
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2 poems in the name of melancholy and hope
The big wait
Like a dream, fruition
Like a stranger, lover
Like the job, passion
Like life, it happens.
Like life, my Creator.
Ode to time
It ticks, it tocks
They say the mouse runs up the clock
From babe to fogey
And in between
The quest for the fountain
So long the anticipated
Yet quick the fun
Illogical to confuse
A daylight, a solstice
The Greenwich mean
In a snap, the dreaded
Eternal the agitated
All never to resurface
Each a fragment, shards of glass
The broken quartz of memories
Sharp, blunt
First and ultimate, a perennial
Runner
The line breaks at her nudge
Full stop.
And yet in a room uncontrollable
A vacuum is with you
Fore and aft.
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| Thursday, July 21st, 2005
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9:01 pm
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it's such a nice thing to write.. i've missed it so.
but nicer too, or maybe just as nice, when you get this beautiful moment. i remember an email forward on such things, with mention of eating chocolate or having a bubble bath. today, as i was driving and valuing my me-time as always, something beautiful and serenely simple happened. a song played on the radio.
hence, i nominate, second the motion, and vote that 'a song you like but haven't heard in months/years/ages that suddenly plays in the radio' should be included and forever more etched in that list and forward.
what is the song you ask that gave me such a beautiful moment?
Hand in my pocket. none other. and no less from the Alanis Morissette.
oh, it was drizzling too! which made it even more special... you know, just driving in your car with drops of rain streaking the glass... and shouting along with the song.
"Hand In My Pocket"
I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
And what it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab
[Harmonica solo]
i love that harmonica.
thanks to: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/alanismorissette/handinmypocket.html
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| Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005
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11:18 am - i'm alive!!!
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wahahaha! my internet hours are forever numbered and erratic, as i don't have a regular net connection. so, surprisingly i found myself, instead of just checking mail last night at Millenium Cafe in Sta. Lu I actually replied to a series of chika at the extremes egroup.. and here it is below, since i am lazy not to recount it better...
"wow! puro gimik nga my dear! saya buhay a! puno p lovelife.. as olways, nothing but dry spell dito... pakita naman pics ng pan na yan! btw, love ko pink jacket mo! :P
like peps, jobhunting din ako! the past weeks, kasama ko si tins maghanap. my partner in crime!! :) sobrang bigay lang kami resumes all over makati, last time we went to enterprise bldg., a really nice, big bldg in makati, tas kumain kami sa food court nila. kasama si pat gavino! saya, feeling yuppie tlga, one with the crowd! haha! yeah right, feeling ko mukha pa rin kaming kids, with a big id plastered to our chests shouting applicant, kaya feeling ko nakatingin sila! but then again, baka paranoia acting up..
the first few times, ako lang magisa. sobrang takot ako nung pinakaunang beses going to makati, dahil d ko tlga alam gawin ko at d naman ako makati girl, d ko alam ung area. yung first time ko, try ko lang to respond to this ad sa newspaper.. pero katawa nga kasi d naka specify ano company un, enticing words lang na part of the Top 1000 Corporations, intl, with opportunities to travel local and abroad, achuchuchu.. un pla Groliers lang.. haha! sama ko linalang lang ko lang.. anyway bsta, nawala pa ko at napalakad ng buong stretch ng makati ave, e im wearing my closed 'business looking' shoes. e miss tsinelas girl nga ako.. sobrang blisters ako.. eww..
anyway, basta basically kung ndi jobhunting ako, interspersed with meeting pwends, overnights, dvd galore, mucho eating, and pure bum finest! haha! :D
pero just this weekend saya! kasi my relatives were at the house, kainan/handaan kasi welcome back namin tita Vip ko na back from working in ireland. may pasalubong and chocolates with irish whiskey.. haha! sarap! mmmm... then cable car with AA peeps. katuwa kasi kita ko iba na d ko pa kita eversince high school, like si joy a., rosarie.. teptep.. ms. roux! pretty pa din syempre! then the next day, dun pa din relatives ko kainan uli, then when they left, dumating family ni jaymee, overnight din!!! nag afternoon swim kmi nila jaym, joshua and his friend si armand, and c rivs! saya, sarap ng tubig, late afternoon na din ksi kaya d na masyado mainit.. :P tapos konti na tao sa pool kayang feeling we own the place kami.. then when we went back sa house, since chefs-to-be sila josh at armand, gumawa sila ng california maki!!! omygod! SOBRANG SARAP!!!! the best! wasabi galore! tamang tama, all week was craving for japaneezee... since dumating din yung isa pa naming family barkada along with jaym's family.. kami kids, since inuman at kwentuhan mga dads, parents..
me, jaymee, thera, josh, and armand went to this new hotel sa village, na may casino!! syempre, excited na kami to rake in the money baby.. un pala may disappoint lang kmi.. pero ok lang.. kasi pagdating namin dun, ayaw kami papasukin. 21 and above lang daw. e nandun lang kami ng fam ko the other night to look around, ok naman, pinapasok p c thera. ngayon bigla bago daw rules, labo! siguro kasi la kami peyrents, halatang mangulo! sayang! d na lang kami pumasok ksi d kami lang ni jaymee.. dapat all for one, one for all! haha! ba-bay roulette, and black jack! :)
kaya roadtrip na lang kami to sumulong, checking out the itty-bitty bars, hehe.. at napadpad sa grilla/the old spaghetti house.. btw, panget ng lugar ng cafe lupe antipolo, so not recomendable.. d ok tulad ng sa makati o tagaytay.. owel, basta nagdesserts kami na ubod ng sarap. sizzling plate with BIGG cookie topped with ice cream, and frozen cappucino kahlua brownie din.. heaven! tapos dvd marathon pag-uwi! ibang klase, umaga na natulog.. saya!! simpleng katuwaan ng buhay.. tawa lang at lokohan lang.. sobrang katawa pa ng Harold and Kumar na movie, laff trip sobra! worth watching..
owell, fffeeling nobela na to.. ive bored u to death.. kaya ayan tinapos ko na kagad.. haha! kwento pa kayo dyan!!! miss ko na kayo!!! lalo na ina and gniq!!!! dalaw kayo dito!!!!!!!!!!!!
sige, haba na tlga.. byeiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!! :) mwah!"
kwento ako ng mas maayos next time.. toodles! got a test later at maersk.. finally! hope it goes well... :)
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| Wednesday, February 16th, 2005
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10:32 am - its both!
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an idea: diarrhea of the mouth.
for the title again that is. but for the life of me, i can't seem to remember the actual name of this prognosis. or isn't there. for some reason i think it's longgorhea. but it doesn't register with ask jeeves and google. but i did find a cool website though.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/
it goes by the positioning and tagline of: Define your world.
astig!
and since it has no name for this. i shall stick with diarrhea of the mouth. that's me. aside from on hiatus.
i am so fickle.
here's the definition:
1. diarrhea of the mouth
When someone won't STFU and keeps blabbering their inane chatter.
2. diarrhea of the mouth
constant talk with no information value. unstoppable talking. saying alot but saying nothing at all, not to be confused with saying alot by saying nothing at all. meaningless and unstoppable talk. drug-induced chatter. politics. barf.
That girl has a serious case of diarrhea of the mouth
***others, plus this:
5. diarrhea of the mouth
1. Using Profane Language
2. Talking Shit
You have diarrhea of the mouth.
haha! is that me or what? coolness!
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10:22 am - addicted to blog or procrastinating?
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8:45 am - FX ride and more
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like what sir Jules said in class before, there are (i think) 3 B's in which your mind thinks the most, or is relaxed. one of it is in the bus. yep, or any other transpo for that matter. and i agree. even before he says this, i've always known this, but not explicitly. that's why i love riding in the car, and driving the car most. ya know, cruisin' and chillin' even if it's just me. there's a thousand and one more thoughts in my head than brain cells i think. kaya ako parating sabog, ok? hehe.. too much buzzing things. sometimes i think i'll get alzheimers soon or if not go crazy. but anyway, that's too much straying off for now..
so the bus. well, i don't really ride the bus. i ride in jeeps, FXs, trikes, and cars usually. sometimes the occasional MRT/LRT. and in the same way, i get to go yada-yada off to neverland. ;) Just this morning, there have been around 5 trains of thought in my cerebral.
uno: that i really felt sad yesterday when i broke the news to papsky and mamsy.. i and they won't be able to participate in the Honors Assembly Night anymore. it's not boohoo... it's waahh.. and a sob and a sniff. damn that head (won't name names know, that idiot!). i tried to confirm for the event but i honestly couldn't see the booth and i had to go to class. i even went back at the end of the day (this happened last friday by the way) to check. but alas, there were no more people blocking my view and to my surprise there was a booth. only now i could tell because i finally saw the friggin' sign. it was an itsy-bitsy short bond. hello?? and with it was written in faint blue marker: Honors Assembly. em.. how could anyone see that? if i alone was standing by the table, as it was just tacked to the ledge, it would have been covered right away. how about if there was a whole herd of students. malamang, natabunan yun diba? so, i'm pissed. i can actually hurl a lot more hurtful words, but i shall refrain.
the point is, i told my parents beforehand, who told my relatives thereafter. and now i just disappointed them. this is the only thing that can make them happy... and make them proud of me. but now it's spoiled. rotten. and it stings really bad to know i did that to my parents. it's not often these days that i can make them proud of me. especially with that ESSCA credits thing still up in the air. i almost cried as i told them in the supermarket last night. i always cry, when it's with and about them. i dunno why. jaymee said it's because i'm a masunuring bata. maybe i am. maybe i want to be, at times. and especially with important matters. i just love my parents and this is sometimes the only way i can show them how. so when i break that, you can just imagine. the dike leaks.
i'm just glad that when i asked the moron about it, i had some sort of relief to know it's not really from the administration. thereby, not really of much weight. it's only conducted by students. well, i hope. and i do want to hope. i thought about that last night too. in the car. since that is my lesson right now in philo: pag-asa. now i see, that it's actually hard to do. umasa para sa pag-asa mismo, hindi mag-asam ng kung ano. pero pag-asa lang na hindi mo alam kung ano ang mangyayari, na kakapit ka na lang sa Ikaw. ngunit ang hirap lalo na't alam mong sa ngayon hindi ka naman talaga kumakapit sa Kanya. kaya naman walang lakas na gawin ito. sikapin mo man, mas madali ngang magpadala na lang sa dilim at tumigil doon...
great. i just applied philo to my life. i hope that means im understanding it and will finally resurrect my grade that's six feet under.
i'm glad too that my parents didn't have to interrogate me so, that they didn't add salt to injury. they were disappointed but we did eat in greenwich after. so we're still ok. right?
dos: selena's song was playing (oh, an interrupting cow: just remembered about norah now. and the scandalously high price of the, ehem, VVIP and VIP seats to her concert) on my ride a while ago (damn, wanted to say 'kanina' but that is just so cono sounding). can't really recall the title just yet but i do know its that sad, senti song, the last song played i think in her biopic. and i smiled, or was it smirked, to myself. i used to FEEL that music. as in! sad sad daw ako kuno. i even cried when i saw the movie (such a crybaby! and btw, the only good movie of JLo i might say) but now, not one tinge of melancholy. damn, is that jaded or what? hmmm.. grownup? em, nah! umm.. what could it be??? for one million dollahs... anyone? bzzzt. what is 'single since birth thus used to it'? CORRECT! resounding applause... bravo! ehem, ehem, thank you, thank yoh! :)
tres: well now i'm lost. enter sabog. i just missed the train. ahah, i seem to have caught it.. twas just a time delay. woohoo. so back in motion... nomadicdreamer. i've alway wanted to fix up my tabulas site. that was my plan, summer, or was it sembreak. anyhow brown cow, i just thought to myself (haha, kanina) mucho minutes back about what a good title i could place. lotsa have entered my mind before. loose caboose. undone. confusions of a delusional. and the list goes on. i just didn't want to use my name of nomadicdreamer that's why. at the same time at the back of my mind always, i tell myself that nomadicdreamer/globetrotter is on hiatus. so now, i say hmm... maybe that will do: on hiatus. nomadicdreamer stuck. stuck in a moment. stuck into one place. but then again, as the devil's advocate in me would always surface, i counter that i'm not really into hiatus as i can go into different places. but just with my mind mostly and the what-have-you lakads/gimmicks at times. not really exploring the world, but still exploring. right? right! so i'm back to neverland. [I LOVE YOU JOHNNY DEPP! i've finally understood what peter pan is all about, having hated it in my childhood of yore. thanks to Finding Neverland. i'm Kate Winslet by the way. just to clear the confusion. :P] hence, methinks, i shall stick with 'on hiatus'. even though it is a misnomer. i know the the story behind it. and that's all that matters.
if only i could fix up my site.
katorse: just kidding. feeling U2, di marunong magbilang. haha!
quatro: ok now im lost again. i guess i am sabog. now im not! ah, maybe it wasn't really 5 trains. maybe it was only three. anyway, this is really too long already. i quitch!
btw, can anyone help me in putting pics in a blog? i am such a loser! i just dunno what to do with this blog things. i really want to post mi pirata litrato. hahaha! yarl! :P
a beelated HAPPY ANNIV to my wonderful and fantabulous kada! extremes rock! to us and the the countless possibilities babes!
HAPPY LOVE DAY too! lord, look after all that had been affected by the blasts. cruel persons. i am worried cos jaym was supposed to be in ayala at that time. i do hope she's okay. she never replied... i believe she is safe. her angels would have protected her. and i would have heard something.
nagtitipid kasi ng credits at sira nga pala ang teleps niya..
current mood: awake
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| Saturday, February 12th, 2005
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8:03 pm
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god, can i just say...
I LOVE MY FRIENDS!
sobra... super! pagkasama sila, sakto lang ang mundo... ;)
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i shall tell more next time.. twas a fun friday night! ahoy mateys! me lasses RRrrr betterrr than any black pearrl..
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i loved (though love seems such a deep word to use you know.. maybe touched?) what Inez sent on Gabriel Garcia Marquez.. want to highlight the parts i like, but dunno how.. and cant really cos im not using the applet/program thing..
A GENIUS BIDS FAREWELL
If for an instant God were to forget that I am a rag doll and gifted me with a piece of life, possibly I wouldn't say all that I think, but rather I would think of all that I say.
I would value things, not for their worth but for what they mean. I would sleep little, dream more, understanding that for each minute we close our eyes we lose sixty seconds of light.
I would walk when others hold back, I would wake when others sleep. I would listen when others talk, and how I would enjoy a good chocolate ice cream! If God were to give me a piece of life, I would dress simply, throw myself face first in the sun, baring not only my body but also my soul.
My God, if I had a heart, I would write my hate on ice, and wait for the sun to show. Over the stars I would paint with a Van Gogh, dream a Benedetti poem, and a Serrat song would be the serenade I'd offer to the moon.
With my tears I would water roses, to feel the pain of their thorns, and the red kiss of their petals!
My God, if I had a piece of life, I wouldn't let a single day pass without telling people I love that I love them.
I would convince each woman and each man that they are my favorites, and I would live in love with love. I would show men how very wrong they are to think that they cease to be in love when they grow old, not knowing that they grow old when they cease to be in love!
To a child I shall give wings, but I shall let him learn to fly on his own.
I would teach the old that death does not come with old age, but with forgetting. So much have I learned from you, oh men!
I have learned that everyone wants to live on the peak of the mountain, without knowing that real happiness is in how it is scaled.
I have learned that when a newborn child squeezes for the first time with his tiny fist his father's finger, he has him trapped forever.
I have learned that a man has the right to look down on another only when he has to help the other get to his feet.
From you I have learned so many things, but in truth they won't be of much use, for when I keep them within this suitcase, unhappily shall I be dying.
GABRIEL GARCIA MARQUEZ
ahh... love...
current mood: content
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| Friday, February 11th, 2005
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4:06 pm - why??
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i am in school, and yet again it's another friggin' day of all the wrong things... i desperately want to graduate but with the rate things are going, it seems only a glimmer of hope. each passing day, and now weeks, everything is just hell. and i mean generally everything is hell. with lots of emphasis on the acads. god. why?
well duh ging.. maybe it's because you also haven't been paying attention to HIM? as well as to everything else. hell, im a crammer. i admit. but im not the only one. so how come, it seems i think i got the worst end of the deal huh? i just want everything... EVERYTHING.. to be over! and it's really not just about school, it's not having the internet, not controlling the mean thoughts on my head.. maybe pissing off my parents. and by the way, way to go on telling them you're not going home tonight! super... god!
see, it's not only the this time of my life that i haven't slept in so many days. it's probably also this time of my life that i friggin' curse a lot. isn't that nice? no wonder all i got is a frown on my face. well mostly when i'm with me, and especially walking by myself. i do try to be in a good mood when i'm with people but even then, all they can see is stress on my face. wow, thanks. and to top it all off really, i think i'm better off with the subjects i have. but how the hell i'm screwing it up? is it because the schedule of my life is so fucked up? i come home as in home eastridge, not in my halfway home of eyeserv, at around 9 on the average. i barely eat dinner when i get home. im just too tired to eat that i sleep. or most of the time, try to work. but that seems to be too far back cos i can remember now is me sleeping over at whoever to do something. it's nice sometimes, but there are also days when you just want to be in your room, early. and then morning comes, no, darkness that hasn't reached dawn comes, and i am forced to take a ice cold bath, hurry myself cos i either go down the mountain with my sibs, to which i have to act fast or else they'll be late or with my parents which give me leeway to take my time, yet still early when i got an 1130 class on most days and a 130 or 430 class on others. great. either that or i'm supposed to be a morning person.
well now that i vent and pourst all my angst. [pourst - imbentong word meaning pour but spoken in shakespearean english, what's wrong with me] i see that i'm all wrong. i should be thankful for all that i have really. yada yada. but give me a break. please! this is my spot. i blurt sayst you. so shut up and let me be the mean girl that i am.
phew.
no wonder no one will ever fall for me too. too much hatred in me. it's time to get away.
current mood: bitchy
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
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3:20 am - good little things
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i love you incubus. i love you doan.
it's a wonderful thing to listen to rock when you're stressed. it gets to you. it rides with all the turmoil, and emotions. rock relaxes. and when rock meets classical, who knew it could be such beautiful music. incubus string quartet my dear. thanks to my ganda source.
haven't done much, but i feel so tired already. good thing i was able to catch the shower while it could still be hot. so soothing to have hot water running through your skin when your muscles are aching, and when you know its cold all around you. maybe i should light my incense sticks. oh, but i don't have matches in my room now.
i am thankful for these things. these good little things. especially when you feel you had a bad day. not so much because of what's happened, but because you suddenly hate the day. you just don't feel it. well, something did happen that contribute to it though. my philo exam. got the results. it was disappointing. thought i'd get an ok grade. but nooo.. it had to be that, and i think it was in large part due to the fact when i did that i had a terrible case of bad luck, resulting to very poor printing quality. i had to admit now that it was barely readable. but did he have to be sarcastic about it. aarggh.
but i can't blame him. it is as i say a terrible case of bad luck. i can only hope to be better in the next. i have to be. philosophy since last sem seems to be dragging me down. i know i can handle it but dunno why it's like that. i used to like it with manny dy. i still say it's the use of pinoy. it's just not my language, academically speaking.
but enough of the sadness. i might just find myself deep in it again. i really need a confidence makeover sometimes.
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for the first time, i think i blog-hopped. thanks to the influence of miss pepah! ;) she has always mentioned it, discovering tidbits of info, kinda like getting a good find under a pile of ukay. and guess what? i finally got to austie's site! bwahahahaha!!! triumph! wait till i make my surprise attack. unless she reads this first. hopefully not.
back on miss pepah, my soulsistah from that great funny era of highschool, we had an absolutely swell time chilling and piggin' in her house. we had it all to ourselves. hehe. there were lots of highlights in that laidback weekend, which ended just yesterday (impossible!). so here goes a list:
1. food, thanks to ate sally and the malasa pork chop! with matching campbell's soup
2. getting curled by parlorista peper. ang ganda ko, divah?! haha! felt utterly girly. yes, in my PJs.*
3. me getting to watch queer eye for the first time. (oh poor me! it's this mountain i live in.) it was so jules dacanay. haha! :)
4. amazing race catch-up episodes! szeretem budapest! the st. george church in ethiopia was wow... and of course, aaron. haha! woooh.. hotness! :P
and lastly, drumroll please....
5. watching the HS Juniors' Night! sooooperrr fuuunnnnyyy!!!! we laughed till our sides hurt. you gotta try it out for yourself. dehym, ang haiskul nga naman...
so here's to friendship! and here's to four weeks left of academic burden. may God be with us. :)
*to my sistah, can you send me a copy of zee picture? haha.
current mood: blah
current music: Windows Media Player
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, January 24th, 2005
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11:11 pm - good little things
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i love you incubus. i love you doan.
it's a wonderful thing to listen to rock when you're stressed. it gets to you. it rides with all the turmoil, and emotions. rock relaxes. and when rock meets classical, who knew it could be such beautiful music. incubus string quartet my dear. thanks to my ganda source.
haven't done much, but i feel so tired already. good thing i was able to catch the shower while it could still be hot. so soothing to have hot water running through your skin when your muscles are aching, and when you know its cold all around you. maybe i should light my incense sticks. oh, but i don't have matches in my room now.
i am thankful for these things. these good little things. especially when you feel you had a bad day. not so much because of what's happened, but because you suddenly hate the day. you just don't feel it. well, something did happen that contribute to it though. my philo exam. got the results. it was disappointing. thought i'd get an ok grade. but nooo.. it had to be that, and i think it was in large part due to the fact when i did that i had a terrible case of bad luck, resulting to very poor printing quality. i had to admit now that it was barely readable. but did he have to be sarcastic about it. aarggh.
but i can't blame him. it is as i say a terrible case of bad luck. i can only hope to be better in the next. i have to be. philosophy since last sem seems to be dragging me down. i know i can handle it but dunno why it's like that. i used to like it with manny dy. i still say it's the use of pinoy. it's just not my language, academically speaking.
but enough of the sadness. i might just find myself deep in it again. i really need a confidence makeover sometimes.
............................................................
for the first time, i think i blog-hopped. thanks to the influence of miss pepah! ;) she has always mentioned it, discovering tidbits of info, kinda like getting a good find under a pile of ukay. and guess what? i finally got to austie's site! bwahahahaha!!! triumph! wait till i make my surprise attack. unless she reads this first. hopefully not.
back on miss pepah, my soulsistah from that great funny era of highschool, we had an absolutely swell time chilling and piggin' in her house. we had it all to ourselves. hehe. there were lots of highlights in that laidback weekend, which ended just yesterday (impossible!). so here goes a list:
1. food, thanks to ate sally and the malasa pork chop! with matching campbell's soup
2. getting curled by parlorista peper. ang ganda ko, divah?! haha! felt utterly girly. yes, in my PJs.*
3. me getting to watch queer eye for the first time. (oh poor me! it's this mountain i live in.) it was so jules dacanay. haha! :)
4. amazing race catch-up episodes! szeretem budapest! the st. george church in ethiopia was wow... and of course, aaron. haha! woooh.. hotness! :P
and lastly, drumroll please....
5. watching the HS Juniors' Night! sooooperrr fuuunnnnyyy!!!! we laughed till our sides hurt. you gotta try it out for yourself. dehym, ang haiskul nga naman...
so here's to friendship! and here's to four weeks left of academic burden. may God be with us. :)
*to my sistah, can you send me a copy of zee picture? haha.
current mood: blah
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, January 9th, 2005
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2:34 am
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haha! what a coincidence.. just saw it now, my last blog was the 9th of december, exactly one month ago. now isn't that something???
oh, cherly and alby were at the party too.. :)
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