| To Kasey, Amber, and anyone else who does not understand |
[01 Dec 2003|02:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Damaged- Plumb |
] |
I am a leader and a follower. I see the good in the bad. Is that a problem? I understand everything that everyone is saying. Amber, yes I am an asshole. I didn’t mean that you had chosen Kasey’s side. Just that you refused to pick sides. I know now that by me messing up my word choice, you probably made a choice. There are times I do not think this is worth it. And I should understand that my friends will not always get along. But hell, is it bad for me to try. Can say I care about my friendship with all these people, or whatever there is of it left. I must retract my previous entry then. I will not delete it, because that is how I was feeling at the specific moment. Kasey I will leave you alone. My sincere apologies to every and anything that has happened. Sorry for the problems that this has caused in your relationship with Colin. Sorry for betraying you like I did. I must admit, I still love you as much as I ever did. I just have to tell myself I don’t care to make the pain go away faster. You’ve done it. But now your feelings are true. You don’t care about the person who hurt you. All I ask is forgiveness for the unforgivable. This seems like a pattern. I lure people in and then throw them away when it seems like I am trustworthy. And Amber, if you truly want nothing to do with me I understand. I will once again withdraw myself from your life. As much as I don’t want to. It’s what seems to be what you want. Maybe I am a bad person. I know this sounds like a “poor me façade,” but can I truly admit that it depresses me. Life isn’t worth all this pain. Once again suicide is calling me. Maybe I’ll go back to where I was three years ago when I began this damn journal. The point of not wanting myself. Then it was me dealing with issues inside myself. Now it is me dealing with loss of those I held most dear. Goodbye to my life, as it was. A true happy time it was. Not anywhere in my life was I as happy as I was these past six months. Now because of my insecurities in what I know. I ruined it. I am used to being used and tossed, but when it is truth, I am the user.
Dreaming comes so easily
Because it’s all that I’ve known.
True love is fairytale
I’m damaged,
so how wouldn’t I know
I fear
That I’m alone
I’m Ashamed
And I need for you to know.
I didn’t say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can’t take back what you’ve taken away.
Because I feel you,
Near me.
Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Won’t let anyone get close to me
I’m damaged as I’m sure you know
I’m scared
And I’m alone
I’m ashamed
And I need for you to know.
I can’t go back
I must move on.
|
|
| Bye Bye Poodle |
[29 Nov 2003|11:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 relieved |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
WHO THE FUCK IS ALICE- by Happy Hardcore |
] |
Ok the past is a little weird. Bryn isn’t my friend anymore, neither is Kasey. I guess I cant complain. Whatever they choose. Bryn I understand, but Kasey is just being stupid. I know I used to value my friendship with her, but you know what, with the rtecent circumstances, I don’t even se why I bothered. I am almost 20 and she is only 16. She knows how Kate is, and If she was even grown up about it, she would ignore Kate and humour it. She will never be mature. And as for the fact that she says that Colin hates Me and Kate, that is a blatant lie. Last night after Kasey called us to bitch us out for the third time or whatever. We called Colin and Kate talked to him. They understand each other. Kasey needs to not let so many things bother her. It wasn’t even a plot to break her and Colin up. Because I like Colin. It was a plot to get Kasey and Kate to talk to each other. The only thing is… I like how everyone, (excluding Amber) is on my side in this. Lets see. Blair, Brad, and of course, Lady Satan and the Spawn. O well.. Here’s to Kasey. It was fun while it lasted. O yeah .. by the way… I should call Adam. Maybe he would agree with me too.. hehehe.
PS. By the way. I think it is better this way. Rachel and Kasey are friends again. I always felt bad that they weren’t talking.
|
|
| The Grim leak of my brain had grape jelly in honeycombs. |
[17 Nov 2003|02:10am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 busy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Destroy She Said- Circ |
] |
Hey everyone. I started my job at Circuit City. I am so happy I started there. It is one of the best jobs I have had. Well, first thing is first. I cannot wait until thanksgiving, Kate is coming home. And I get to see Brad. But on a sour note: my mom put a weird password on here and I cannot be on here as much. I wish I had my own computer. O well. Lucky for me I know my way around these firwalls.
|
|
| I'm Not.. (The Song from a While ago in Spanish) |
[17 Nov 2003|01:53am] |
Yo no soy.
Yo no soy supuesto adorarlo
Yo no soy supuesto cuidar
Yo no soy supuesto vivir mi vida
Desearlo estaba allí
Yo no soy supuesto preguntarse
Dónde usted es o lo que usted hace
Lo siento que yo no puedo ayudarme
Caí en el amor con usted.
Ciego es lo que era
Cubrió en su abrazo
mirar con el corazón
Yo nunca vi su cara verdadera
Usted tomó el aliento lejos
Usted llevó el corazón
Era verdad ignorante
que usted sería el uno romperlo aparte
Yo no soy supuesto adorarlo
Yo no soy supuesto cuidar
Yo no soy supuesto vivir mi vida
Desearlo estaba allí
Yo no soy supuesto preguntarse
Dónde usted es o lo que usted hace
Lo siento que yo no puedo ayudarme
Caí en el amor con usted.
Acabo de decir yo mismo,
"Es fuerte, es todo usted puede hacer."
Pero sems de nada ayudarme
El todo me recuerda de usted.
Mentimos juntos en esta cama,
Hablamos en este teléfono
Compartimos aún una risa o dos,
Ahora usted me ha dejado todo sólo.
Yo no soy supuesto adorarlo
Yo no soy supuesto cuidar
Yo no soy supuesto vivir mi vida
Desearlo estaba allí
Yo no soy supuesto preguntarse
Dónde usted es o lo que usted hace
Lo siento que yo no puedo ayudarme
Caí en el amor con usted.
Permitirlo ir,
es la cosa más dura,
Que tengo que hacer.
Estaba tan seguro,
que yo nunca sería,
Lo soltando.
Yo no soy supuesto adorarlo
Yo no soy supuesto cuidar
Yo no soy supuesto vivir mi vida
Desearlo estaba allí
Yo no soy supuesto preguntarse
Dónde usted es o lo que usted hace
Lo siento que yo no puedo ayudarme
Caí en el amor con usted.
|
|
| To Brad |
[10 Nov 2003|01:02am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Next to you- Darude |
] |
The Gift
By Adam Bernal
Falling fast
For a boy not there
Seeing that
He is one who cares
My world encircles
Everything
He is the one
That makes me sing.
I am the moon
He is the sun.
Without him,
I can not shine as brightly.
The smiles he sends me,
Are forever wide.
He made my ocean,
Change its tide.
So to my love
I send my soul.
The words that describe this feeling
Do not exist..
So to say this is love.
I must resist.
But he has my heart
It is his gift.
|
|
| Like a Hostage tied in chains, I could not forget Your Name |
[08 Nov 2003|11:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Destroy She Said- Circ |
] |
Well yesterday was awesome. I had school until noon. After that I went to Steve’s house, because he had my STARS DVDs. It was funny because, now he has a girlfriend. LOL. He goes from dating me to dating Ana. That was semi amusing. After that I came home to watch some Buffy, because it was on at 3 on FX. Seventh Season rocks, Kill Kennedy. LOL. During Buffy I decided, spur of the moment to cut my bangs. And now I miss them. They were to my nose. Then I had to haul ass to the mall. Kasey wanted me to meet Colin with her. So I went. While I was at the mall. Brad called me. I was so happy I miss him already. It’s kinda weird because we haven’t even met in person yet. After that I went to see Nightmare before Christmas with Ben, Matty, and Sarah. That was awesome. I didn’t get back home until 3:00AM. I slept till basically 3:00 PM today. I had nothing to do. So why not. Then I read Bryn’s journal. She said she doesn’t want to be friends with Kasey and I any more. This is because she wants to be a good Christian, and if she has “non-christian” influences around her, she has more of a chance of “ignoring god’s call” or something. I don’t remember her exact words, nor do I want to look them up. I must admit.. it made me cry for a while. I love Bryn, I don’t want to lose her as one of my best friends. Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean she has to eliminate me. O well. I guess I’ll go back to being a little girl and crying about it.
|
|
| Now I stand here alone in the Dark. |
[23 Oct 2003|10:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
“Alone” by Lasgo |
] |
The past few days were ok. On Saturday, I went to Six Flags with Vic and Stephanie. I finally got to ride Déjà Vu. That is the BEST rollercoaster ever. Steph said she heard rumors that they may be taking it down though. -_-’ O well. Monday was fun. School, what can I say. I found out I got an A on my Japanese Midterm.. YAY!! ^_^ Tuesday, unimportant. Nothing noteworthy. And well.. let’s skip yesterday, because I can’t remember that all too well. Today I cleaned my room a bit. I love having a clean room. I realized I should get rid of some CDs. I don’t listen to like a quarter of them. Anyone like Joan Osborne or even NO MERCY? (You know that “Where do you Go?” song?) Well I have a paper to REVISE.. YAY I like that word. That just means I don’t have to actually think. LOL. Ok well I am gonna go.
-Adam
|
|
| GWA |
[21 Oct 2003|11:26pm] |
this is Weird.. I realyzed.. that what I want for Christmas equals approximately
$896.35
And that is only the ( DVD section. )
I have too much time on my hands
|
|
|
[20 Oct 2003|10:10pm] |
|
Is it wierd that I am extremely horny right now?
|
|
| Internet dependability |
[16 Oct 2003|12:42am] |
Are you Addicted to the Internet?
Hardcore Junkie (61% - 80%)
While you do get a bit of sleep every night and sometimes leave the house, you spend as much time as you can online. You usually have a browser, chat clients, server consoles, and your email on auto check open at all times. Phone? What's that? You plan your social events by contacting your friends online. Just be careful you don't get a repetitive wrist injury...
The Are you Addicted to the Internet? Quiz at Quiz Me!
|
|
|
| Yellow |
[16 Oct 2003|12:29am] |
You are very perceptive and smart. You are clear and to the point and have a great sense of humor. You are always learning and searching for understanding.
Find out your color at Quiz Me!
|
|
|
|
| CLAY AIKEN IS A HOTT MOFO |
[15 Oct 2003|11:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 geeky |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Clay Aiken- I Will Carry You |
] |
The past few days were ok. Last Saturday was the Rainbow Alliance Picnic. That was fun. I met some pretty interesting people, most notably Jessica, Mike, and Tim. They al go to Marquette. Poor me going to UWM right? Well they are only a Route 30 Away. Kasey was with me all during the day that day. I was determined to find her someone to chat it up with. O my god, have you seen the use of unnecessary 1990’s slang. “Oh my GOD! Becky, look at her Butt, it is Sooooo Big.” LOL. Any who. Then I end up going to my grandpa’s after that. Soon after my mom calls and tells me Ben called. So Ben and I go chill at like 11:30 at night. Then we lose track of time, talking philosophy. So I am there for 4 hours, until 5:00AM on Sunday. Then Sunday came around for me at like 9:00AM. DAMN ME NOT SLEEPING. I was at my grandpa’s with Debbie for a while. I ended up cooking dinner for everyone there. My cousin Josh came home. I was happy to see him. It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other. (See 90’s slang) So then Monday I go to school. I sleep too long and miss English. Oh well. Not too bad, right? Yeah. Psych is kicking my ass. So yeah. I go to Theatre class and I drop my notebook full of drawings on the ground, and low and behold, the editor of “The Post” (School Newspaper) sees them and says she’s looking for a comic artist. I am thinking of doing that, what does everyone think? So then, I get home and I get a phone call on my phone saying “HI this is Circuit City wanting to set up an interview with Adam.” So I call them up at their 262-ness, and schedule one for the next day. What happens there? I get the job. $7 and hour isn’t bad... even when I have to Bud it to Brookfield square and then walk 20 minutes. I can manage. LOL... So I go to Brookfield Square and tell my mom. She is all happy and shit. Then I walk out and some guy talks me into getting a cell phone. -_-‘ The sad thing is .. that face showed up above my head… I swear it did. LOL. So I got a Cell Phone now… (ask for the number and I shall give.. PEOPLE CALL ME after 9 PM CT.. LOL) So yeah. I now have a celly. Today was fun too, I had school, then I had a drug screening for Circuit City. I had to pee in a cup and I didn’t even have to pee. But I did it anyways. Man. This is rather Blabbery isn’t it. -_-‘ What else did you expect.
|
|
| I am soo fucking Black |
[15 Oct 2003|11:15pm] |
Your Goth color is BLACK!
You are the basic goth color. All goths know and
love you. You are content, and work well with
just about every color.
What Goth Color Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
|
|
| Lost |
[10 Oct 2003|06:13pm] |
Lost
By Adam Bernal
Tears fall
so fast like waterfalls
I cannot see a reason
For happiness.
My life in a fog
I don’t know where I am going.
I’m lost on the path
Never knowing
Where can life take me
I don’t know who will guide me
I need the wisdom to pursue
The fulfillment of life.
|
|
| ok.. ive had sex with more than 2 people already |
[10 Oct 2003|12:49am] |
|
|
|
loved