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The Beautiful Mistake

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Back to square one again [17 Dec 2003|10:08pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]
[ music | Modest Mouse- Doin' the cockroach ]

The end came and went.. It was exhilarating in a wacky sort of way at first, then it just got blah... It feels weird, but then again the same... It was mutual...

I hate the doctors... I had to wait and wait.. I got some medicine.. It's all good I guess.. But in the end I got 3 yes THREE rice tacos from Taco Bell and I ate them all and it was great!

I hate watching t.v. because its so fucking cheesy and it shows you things that you really want, but can never have.. Like Love.. I'm starting to think it's all bullshit.. That love is something someone made up..

I really hate this.. Enough of my rant.. Good night.. English exam in the mornin'.

1 tell me sweet lies| sour kisses

[13 Dec 2003|11:05pm]
[ mood | thirsty ]

Things just got really weird... People know each other who I would have never guessed.. I just hope it stays safe now.... Weird weird weird...

sour kisses

Down this road before [11 Dec 2003|06:48pm]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | apc- noose ]

I have been down alot lately.. I had a breakdown today since my project on the cd wouldn't play.. I almost threw myself out the window right then and there.. But it's all okay now.. Everything else is just reallly stressing me out.. I just can't be happy and myself.. I am soo worried, worried.. As Michael said I just need to have some fun.. So I think I will, this weekend. Any takers? And I mean real fun, not just going to the movies.. So boring. I want to do something exciting... School is almost over, then I can breathe easily.. I hate being a fucking overachiever.. Well homework time... Adios.. By the way.. Get some balls or that joke was funny..

<3 Crying Rabbit

2 tell me sweet lies| sour kisses

this time [10 Dec 2003|10:02pm]
[ mood | stressed ]
[ music | billy talent ]

Things really suck now.. Just going up and down up and down on the emo coaster... :/

sour kisses

Emo is for me [08 Dec 2003|05:44pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]
[ music | Dashboard ]

Dashboard isn't helping with this pain.. I feel like crap, mostly emotionally.. The Emo Coaster.. And I'm getting sick of it.. Up and Down and all around.. Dashboard isn't making this any better and that's sad.. I love my emo! :/ ALl these thoughts have been running through my head.. I just wish, I just wish... Well it doesn't matter what I wish...

<3 Jess

4 tell me sweet lies| sour kisses

weird yet awesome [05 Dec 2003|11:12pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | verve- bittersweet symphony ]

School wasn't too bad.. I forfeited the war for Corbin. Went home and it was all awkwardness.. And it was terrible, Kelly, my Dad, my mom, and Charlie.. sigh.. But the soccer game was awesome.. Ryan got hit in the balls with a soccer ball.. It made my day.. Poor kid,

sour kisses

OMG, I'm dating a SEX GOD [03 Dec 2003|10:22pm]
[ mood | giggly ]
[ music | The New Pornographers- All For Swinging You Around ]

School was actually kinda fun.. I am happy.. Yeah, my family life sucks.. But at school I have a fucking awesome boyfriend.. He makes me laugh and smile.. A not so regular occurance. Stephen and I kept on eating each others nipples.. I would have to say I lost alot.. He pushed me down to the ground and beat me up! Just kidding. But it was fun.. Cal would stand there staring at us, and Corbin didn't even notice! My own boyfriend didn't protect me! For once in my life, I actually talked to the person I was dating at lunch.. Wow.. Weird.. Cal and some kids have a pool of how long Corbin and I will last.. I wonder if that will last.. Hmmm the things kids do nowadays.. Well it is sleepy time..

<3 Jesss

PS. Corbin is a jovial gay porn star, sneaky, a seducter, and a sex god. Wow.. I don't even like it ask either..

5 tell me sweet lies| sour kisses

Right around again in circles [02 Dec 2003|10:11pm]
[ mood | stressed ]
[ music | the used- blue and yellow ]

Why is it when you're happy for just one second something can make you want you cry your motherfucking eyes out? Things seem different now.. I don't really post in here anymore.. I just mostly use my livejournal.. I just keep this up basically for Corbin.. I feel so out of it..

I don't tell you the half of it, the unhappy side of things.. The one side that usually consumes my life.

sour kisses

i want tacos :( [01 Dec 2003|10:19pm]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | piebald ]

Things are good.. For once, in a while, I could some what think straight.. I am happy.. Yeah, I guess you could say that.. Things are back to the old "normal"... This weekend sounds busy.. I am soo beat.. I hate homework.. Not much of a post, eh? Well I mostly use my LiveJournal. LJ SO yeah.. Night..


jess

2 tell me sweet lies| sour kisses

The fucking holidays [27 Nov 2003|11:14pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]
[ music | APC- Noose ]

I am really starting to hate the fucking holidays.. It pisses me off because I always get yelled at and everything is always my fault.. I wish I had gone with my dad to the cabin.. My head is pounding, I feel sick.. Time for bed...

sour kisses

Five, four, three, two, one, ZERO [24 Nov 2003|10:53pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | Sparta- Glasshouse Tarot ]

My hair smells like smoke. I like this smell.. It chokes my lungs but makes me feel alive inside.. I met this great guy and I really like him.. I am finally getting what I wanted.. But whenever I feel so sad like I want to wall myself up and blast some emo, I want everyone to stay away.. Should I lose this chance because I'm sad or should I just get the fuck over it and go on with my life? I hate life.. It's such a pain in the ass.. It's weird.. At school I'm happy, at home I'm miserable..

Love, The Emo Girl

sour kisses

Suicide Machines and Elf [22 Nov 2003|11:31pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | The Beautiful Mistake- light a match ]

This weekend has been AWESOME! I saw the Suicide Machines last night with the Unseen and they both were amazing.. I swear Nikita and I were the only "normal" people there.. Cal, Nikita, me, and that one kid who kept following Cal around where like the only people who didn't smoke.. I never saw so many guys in tight pants in my life.. I saw Nick.. That was.. interesting.. He is exactly the same... But yeah.. So then Nikita stayed the night.. We watched Degrassi and Reno 911.. Today we woke up late.. Ate subs.. Watched Dangerous live of the altar boys and old school and more tv.. It was so much fun.. I had a blast today.. Then I saw Elf with Corbin, Cal and this girl... It was fun.. I finally figured out what I wanted.. :) I am happy now.. I hope it stays that way... Everyone seems to call me Jess now, weird..

<3 Jessssss

sour kisses

[19 Nov 2003|10:22pm]
[ mood | cold ]

When do you know what you really want?

Jess :/

4 tell me sweet lies| sour kisses

Come closer, wait go away.... [18 Nov 2003|10:32pm]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | Bright Eyes- Lover I don't have to love ]

I feel so messed up.. I feel like making mistakes.. Not giving a fuck.. But wait.. I'm just a fucking pansy.. I want one thing and then turn around and want something else.. I know I will hurt you, boy but I'm too fucking stupid to tell you so.. I wanna fuck up.. I'm tired of being scared.. But I will just do nothing.. I'm going crazy... Fuck.. I can't win.. This isn't towards you Corbin.. Sorry.. .Fuck fuck.. I hate being angry..


Jess

Fuck you..

sour kisses

Same Old [17 Nov 2003|08:48pm]
[ mood | busy ]
[ music | emo ]

All you need for high school are friends to get you through the times, caffeine, food, and patience.. I rarely have any of those.. But the friends part is covered.. Thanks.. School sucks.. (academically)

sour kisses

My fault [14 Nov 2003|11:33pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]
[ music | Prince ]

Well blurty is fucking gay... Lost my entry AGAIN.. Well today wasn't bad.. Last night sucked ass, it was "cleaning nite" and I got grounded off the computer when I had so much to say.. So I just called Corbin instead.. <3.. Well sometimes I want to live with my Dad but I think everyone would hate me.. No one would understand.. I would be the outcast.. So today I went to UF.. Wasn't too bad.. My cousin is really nice.. What happened? Hung out with Jenny R, she's cool.. Walked around.. Saw some funny shit.. Lol.. Game was fun...

<3 Jess

6 tell me sweet lies| sour kisses

New Life [10 Nov 2003|08:33pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Sparta- Glasshouse Tarot ]

I'm an aunt.. Today was awesome.. I'll post more later.. Blurt lost my damn entry!! Damn you...

<3 Jess

2 tell me sweet lies| sour kisses

For the weak [07 Nov 2003|09:41pm]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | Saves the Day- morning in the moonlight ]

Last night was one of the most amazing shows I have ever been to in a long ass time.. Saves the Day was just plain great.. I loved it sooo much... Wow.. It was just that great.. I have no words to describe it.. But I did want to punch this one kid.. Damn emoer kids.. You know those kids that are too scared to go in the pit so they make their own ONE person pits.. Those kids piss me off.. And I still don't understand how a girl got her teeth knocked out and another girl broke her ankle at a STD show.. It just baffles me.. Today wasn't all that bad.. Didn't have to turn in the math homework I didn't do.. And didn't have to turn in the American History homework I didn't do.. Lunch was kinda fun.. Nikita, Josh, and I went digging.. But when the janitor saw us he looked pretty pissed.. Hey we were bored.. And everyone kept on asking us what the hell we were doing.. So tomorrow I leave for Ft. Lauderdale. Should be fun I guess.. You know it's sad.. My mom has a new boyfriend. I wonder if I can scare him away.. I've been trying my hardest.. It isn't working.. Jesus.. I've lost my touch.. Mother fuck.. He seems nice.. But still fuck off... I haven't had a boyfriend since Josh and my mom is like a dating machine.. Weird.. I need to finish this Constitution bullshit before I leave.. Later all..

<3 Jess

6 tell me sweet lies| sour kisses

Hidden Below [05 Nov 2003|10:14pm]
[ mood | stressed ]
[ music | A Perfect Circle- The 13th Step ]

Do I dare expose myself and tell of all my hidden horrors? Expose the real me? He has no idea what is hidden below.. He has no idea about anything at all.. I have kept it hidden from him so well.. Tomorrow is Saves the Day and I can't wait.. I just wish Nikita could come with me.. It's not fair! My mind just went blank.. I think it's time for sleep. Goodnite all..

<3 Jess

Edit: I wish things could go back to normal but normal is long since passed.. Two years this coming April.. I hate 4/20 so much.. More so because of that day.. Sometimes I wish I could escape to my Dad's.. It's so much easier there.. If only he hadn't made those mistakes.. If only.. The two words that repeat in my head over and over again.. I never would of thought one mistake, one thing could alter one's life eternally.. I wish I was invincible.. But I always break down..

sour kisses

Left or right path? [04 Nov 2003|10:22pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]
[ music | Sparta- Air ]

Today was interesting.. Went to the Holocaust Museum.. It was pretty cool.. I almost cried when this survivor talked.. Kevin was making Jew jokes.. As Nikita said he is heartless.. It was fun hanging out with everyone.. We met this cool girl at Blake..

What do you do when you want something you don't have but are willing to risk it all just for it? I hate being that girl who craves for that feeling.. That touch.. It just bothers me.. But I do miss it.. I miss being caught up in it all.. sigh.. What am I waiting for? It's fucking high school.. I should go after what I want.. Why wait around being scared.. Life will just pass you by.. I don't want to be 70 and saying, "Man I wished I had lived.. "

I love you xo

You make me smile, even when I'm angry
sour kisses

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