Noir Star's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
Noir Star

[ website | My Sheezy Art page ]
[ userinfo | blurty userinfo ]
[ calendar | blurty calendar ]

Happy birthday, mommy ! [Friday
May 13th, 2005]
[ mood | predatory ]
[ music | System Of A Down - B.Y.O.B. ]

Today is the birthday of my mother, she is 48 years old ! But 21 in her heart and she's full of wisdom ! ^.^ I'm going to make her a card but I'm a bit disappointed because there's no ink in my printer and I did her birthday card on Photoshop... =( Oh well, I'll draw something ! I hope it won't look crappy =S

While I was working today, my sister came to see my mom. Well, "see" my mom.... This story is so long but I need to get this off my chest because I'm going to kill my sister.

Where do I begin.. well... My sister is living with her boyfriend. Since Day One they have financial problems. Why ? Because they moved in and they both didn't had a job. Her boyfriend's mother was giving him money while he was searching for a job. It took him more than six months. Then, finally my sister found a job too. But guess what ? My parents had to pay them their grocery and my sister's lunches for school.

THEN, they finally leaved my parents alone for a while. SHORT TIME ! I found out today that it has been a month since my parents started to gave them food again and now my sister impose my parents to pay her bike (which cost $100 and my sister said she would pay 50 and my parents 50. But my sister and her boyfriend both have jobs and both said they wanted to live their life like adults. BUT THEY'RE NOT RESPONSIBLES ! They want people to treat them like adults but we just CAN'T !!!!!!!!

So. My mother does not agree with feeding them and paying my sister's bike. Which is totally normal. Why would she do it like she still live with us !?!

My sister finally came here and didn't even said "Happy birthday ma !" NO. She said "Where is dad?" Because she needed him to go to buy her bike. So my mother told her he did overtime at work and he'll need to rest when he'll get home. Then, my father arrived like 5 minutes after that and my sister(Melissa) asked him "Are we going ?!" so my mom replied "well I told you why it can't work !! " and guess what beautiful Melissa said ? " I want to hear it from him " HOW CAN SHE SAY THAT ! Like my mother was telling LIES ! ARGH !

My father told her the same thing my mother did and then my mom decided it was the right moment to tell my sister she won't get the bike nor food with their money anymore and then the big fight started. She told my mom was heartlessly because she didn't want to "help her buy her bike" and that it's her duty as a mother to help her until the day she dies ! HOW CAN SHE SAY THAT ?! HOOOOW ! My mother gave up her career and her life for US ! She has no life and she's a housewife with a boring life. She complains about it all the time but I know she would do it again it she had too. My sister always got whatever she needed with my parents, always ! And she's saying those words to my mother on her birthday ?! I DARE HER ! ARG ! She bought my mom a stupid card with nice words but everybody knows that WORDS ARE CHEAP !

The only time you'll hear from my sister here it's when she wants something. She'll never call just to say hi. She'll never come just to see us. Never. She's fuckin' self-centered and selfish ! I cannot believe it !!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't wait to talk to her about her fuckin' attitude ! Maaann, she's gonna get it right in her face. If my parents don't want to be rude and gave her reality checks, man, I'm so going to do it ! HELL YEAH. If our sister ship has to suffer from it, be it, as long as she learn something out of it. If not, well she can fuckin' die alone like all the selfish people should. She lost my respect today.

Man, it feels good to have that off my chest !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I still want to kill her. Ugh. What a bitch.

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"Every time someone says "I don't believe in fairytales, a fairy dies" [Wednesday
May 11th, 2005]
[ mood | calm ]

I think that's what the sentence says in the story Peter Pan. Or it's something close to it. Anyway's, just wanted to point that out loll
--
This evening, Ghyslain came to see me. We watch the movie Finding Neverland and it made me thought about things in my life. Some minutes before Ghys had to go, I started crying. At first, I didn't know why and thought it was stupid so I hide it from him(it was easy because we were in the dark) but he found out I was crying so I told him and he kept on asking questions and I found out why I was crying.

The thoughts I had during the movie made me realize many things about me and the way I treat myself and how I've been treating myself in the past years. I make myself unhappy by believing and telling myself harsh things. I convinced myself that I was nothing and now I'm afraid that's what people will see when they'll look at me. I don't want that to happen. I know I worth something, I just have to realize it. Everyone worth something ! I stopped believing in my dreams because I thought I didn't worth anything and that I didn't have talent. This must change. Everything that is negative inside me must change.

I really need to start this novena that Morticia was talking about ! Never in my entire life I understood religion(s) but now I do. If we don't believe into something, we won't appreciate the things we want out of life when they'll come. We won't be able to make it in the bad times. If we believe that good things will come after the bad ones, it will happen because we surround ourselves with positive thoughts. Positive attracts positive, negative attracts negative. And unfortunately, I've been surrounding myself with negative thoughts all my life (well... most of it).

It's time that I teach myself a lesson and start doing the opposite of what I've been doing for years. I'm happy that I gave myself some reality checks. It was about time. I need courage and strength to make it though and I truly hope I'll have it.

I'm a bit scared because... I don't know what to expect. I'm afraid of changes.
Err. I didn't want to sound self-centered but I feel better that I have this confession off my chest. =^.^=

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These things I'll never say... [Tuesday
May 10th, 2005]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | Blind Guardian - Mordred's Song ]

...I'm still dreaming to be your fiance but I'll never tell you that again...sorry, I just can't....

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[ T W I S T E D L A N D ] [Monday
May 9th, 2005]
[ mood | creative ]
[ music | Liva - Kyrie ]

Twistedland is an idea that just "pop!" into my head. I was looking at this picture :



and the title hit me in the face.

It has been months since I had the idea of creating a website that would be something like deviantart.com but not only for graphics and poetry. I want more than that. I want my website to be open for all musicians, songwritters, poets, writter, graphits, photographer, draftsman, handymen, tattoo artist, hairdressers, EVERYONE ! As long as it got something dark into people's art.

The only problem, major problem, is that I don't know how to built a website that would have the same fonctions as deviantart.com ! ! ! If someone know, PLEASE, send me an email or a comment or something ! ! ! Code walrus will do the thing too. lol

When I'll know everything about building a good and fonctionning website like deviantart.com, I'll ask the same artiste who made the drawing to make one for me with the same title. I just hope it won't cost me a thing or that my offer won't be rejected !

*cross fingers* This thing have to work !
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D E F || F E D [Monday
May 9th, 2005]
[ mood | disappointed ]
[ music | Carla Bruni - Chanson Triste ]

When I arrived at school this morning, I walked to my locker and started taking my binders when someone touched my shoulder. I turned around and a man gave me a card. On the card it was written that he was a def man and that we could give him anything we wanted and that he was thankful of our generosity. On the back of the card, there was a calendar and the signs of all the letters in the "def alphabet" (I don't know how you call it in English).

There was nothing I could gave him. I need my lunch and I forgot my wallet at home. I wasn't able to make him understand that I didn't have anything to gave him.

It made me feel bad about myself. I wish I could had gave him a little something....

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xoxox [Friday
May 6th, 2005]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | Nightwish - Dead To The World ]

Ghyslain is coming over tonight !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^.^ I can't wait to see him ! WAH ! We're going to take a walk and buy ice cream ! lol That's what I planned ! lol CAN'T WAIIIT ! Seeing him will make me forget that Nicole is alive and that my stupid font is so stupid dumb ugly. lol ^.^''

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I feel more bitchy than ever right now [Friday
May 6th, 2005]
[ mood | bitchy ]
[ music | Lost Horizon - Highlander ]

FIRST REASON:
In my previous post, I was bitching about Ghys' stepmother well... I GOT TO SAY SOMETHING ELSE ABOUT HER !
Ghys just told me that he won't be able to come over tomorrow because there's a supper for Mother's Day and it's "obligatory" (to quote his stepmother) for him to be present. She's not even his mother and she does not act like one either !!! And of course, his father is taking her side because he don't have balls. Right on moron. Go wear your g-strings and hide. Pff. What bothers me is that now that Ghys had to go back at his father's (AHEM, I should say his STEPMOTHER's) house, it's like things have continued where he left them. Nicole still get what she wants from him. Why the hell can't he stand up for himself, Christ ! He's 19 years old !!!!!!!!! I wouldn't care if it was for his mother but his mother is Jehovah (or whatever how you spell that) and those people don't celebrate any holidays. ARG !
SECOND REASON:
I CAN'T FUCKING CHANGE MY FONT AND SIZE OF MY FONT ! WWHHHYYY ! I've been trying to fix that stupid problem but nothing works. NEED HELP !

Too bad "Feel like throwing something heavy in the room" is not in the mood list. -_-''

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Briefly [Friday
May 6th, 2005]
[ mood | bitchy ]
[ music | Aerosmith - Hole in my Soul ]

My day was OK. I went to work at Gen's and it was cool. We saw the movie Spanglish and we both liked it a lot ! I almost cried a few times but didn't because I hate crying in front of people ... just like Flora in the movie ! LMAO

When I got home, my mom told me that Ghyslain's stepmother called in the afternoon. I was like "What the hell does that bitch wants ?!" and my momma told me she didn't know where Ghyslain was. And then I understood everything when I called Ghyslain. She called to be sure he wasn't at my place but that he really went to the doctor and see his boss to get his paycheck. Big bitch, all she cares about is money money money money and manipulating people. I can talk for hours about her but I won't because I'll get so pissed that someone that fucked up exist.

My sister was supposed to come over today. SUPPOSED. Yeah. She didn't came. She told my mom she was too tired and wanted to sleep. Couldn't she come in the evening INSTEAD of the afternoon ?! JEEBUS ! I can't believe it. My momma was so disappointed =( It's been one month since she came here. The last time was on my father's birthday. It's like she only show up on holidays to make believe she cares. Anyways, karma will visit her too.

Aww God, my back hurts !! I don't know how the hell I slept but I guess I should not do it again ! lol I think I fought with myself again... I destroy my pajamas like that... *teehee* I know, it's weird. I go to bed with a nice Tinker Bell pajama and the next day it's like I've been to war. LOL

I'm angry. This stupid blog host in French sucks big time. I can't really customize my blog like I want it to be and some things don't show up when they should. I found another one but it got adds but that's not the problem. The problem is that the adds are ANNOYING ! It's at the bottom of the page but it's BIG ! It destroy the whole style of your blog. I should invent a blog host like blurty but in French. If only I was that smart... *cries* lol

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Today is the greatest day I've ever known [Thursday
May 5th, 2005]
[ mood | thoughtful ]
[ music | Nightwish - Angels Fall First ]

My day started like all the other days except that I noticed something that I interpreted like a good sign... It was sunny outside and the weather was warm. I tried not to think that it might meant that my day will be awesome because I didn't want to jinx it. Then, I had to concentrate on doing maths but I couldn't because I had a headache so I slept and I felt better.

The good part is when I leave school at noon. Yes yes, I did skip my afternoon. For good reasons.lol Ghyslain and I had to meet had metro Henri-Bourassa. I arrived before so I waited a little bit but thank God, I didn't wait too long. *whew*
Then, we missed our station so we had to do a transfer... -_-'' We missed Berri-Uquam station... Finally, we arrived at the cinema and had to choose the movie we wanted to see because Ghyslain brought us to the wrong cinema lol We decided to go see Robots ! This movie is SO good and funny ! ! ! ! Everyone have to see that movie ! I think what made the animation better was the we saw the movie in the Imax presentation... I think it's brand new in the cinema. The quality of the image and the sound is better than a usual presentation.
We had some difficulty to find where the room for the movie was because it was not with the other movies... Ghyslain finally found it and we were totally alone waiting for the movie to start ! lol So we decided to get naughty a little bit....lol...until a couple came into the room too ! lol

After the movie, we went back to Laval. We didn't thought of another place to go in Montreal so we head back to my stupid shit hole and went to the library. I have chooses two books of Anne Rice (Violin and Servant Of The Bones) and a book of Stephen King (Desperation). I can't wait to start reading them !!!! *giggles* And Ghyslain chooses a book of Edgar Allan Poe, I can't remember the title right now... lol

What made that day so special to me is that we didn't fight at all and laughed all day. We were carefree. It felt good to have those moments back. I think we made the right choice to continue with our relationship. I love him so much. God, I might sound pathetic... lol Maybe I'm just too emotional and sensitive. lol

I finally found a good blog host in FRENCH ! It was about time ! lol Now, the only thing I have to do is to choose a username and I just can't think of a good one right now ... hum...

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Once upon a time... [Wednesday
May 4th, 2005]
[ mood | depressed ]

xoticxtc wrote this post and it made me think about me so much... it sadden me to think that this was the good old days. What happened to me ?! I can barely recognize me sometimes. I used to be joyful and happy all the time and now it's the opposite. I used to enjoy people and being surrounded by them and now it's the opposite. It's like people fear me. I don't have the same glow. I WANT TO HAVE WHAT I HAD BACK !!!!!! But I just don't know how ... Do I even love myself enough to have it back, anyways ...



METH wrote :

"I remember a Time when I was happy.

I remember a time I felt good about myself and had self - esteem.

I remember a time when I wasn;t scared or ashamed to be naked and would walk around naked if I felt the inclination.

I remember a time when I was flat chested, but could have cared less because I also had a flat stomach.

I remember a time when My thighs didn;t touch when I stood.

I remember a time when I couldn barely even pinch the skin on my stomach.

I remember a time when people were sure I was anorexic.

I remember a time when I didn;t care so much about my weight or being skinny.

I remember a time when I used to have a glowing personality.

I remember a time when I did not get cripplingly anxious in social situations or around people.

I remember a time when all my clothes fit right.

I remember a time when I wasn;t reclusive and anti-social.

I remember a time when I had a lust for living and life.

I remember a time when I didn;t have a deep burning resentment for mankind.

I remember a time when I used to think I was worth something.

I remember a time when I used to think I was pretty.

I remember a time when I was semi self-centered.

I remember a time when I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain a pound.

I remember a time when I was *HAPPY WITH MYSELF* "
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Break [Wednesday
May 4th, 2005]
[ mood | calm ]

Nothing better than
A gray day
For the broken hearts

Will there be
No jet of poetry
To set me free of this melancholy ?

And when I'll be released
Will I be alone or accompagnied ?
Will I be more bitter
Or would I be relieved?

And yet, I always hope for you

Nothing better than
A gray day
For the broken hearts

Will you be able to understand, by my sides,
That you are the only one I want to love
Or will you understand it, alone,
In your dark world ?

And yet, I always hope for you...



I wrote this poem when I was dealing with boyfriend issues last week. The poem was originally in French. And the poem IS better in French. lol I'll write it down in French too because I feel like it :

Rien de mieux
Qu'une grise journée
Pour les coeurs émiettés

N'y aura-t-il donc
Aucun jet de poésie
Pour me sortir
De cette triste mélancolie ?

Et quand j'en sortirai
Serais-je seule ou accompagner ?
Deviendrais-je un peu plus amère
Ou serais-je soulagé ?

Et pourtant, je t'espère toujours...

Rien de mieux
Qu'une grise journée
Pour les coeurs émiettés

Sauras-tu comprendre, à mes côtés,
Que tu es celui que je veux aimer
Ou le comprendras-tu, seul,
Dans ton monde sombre ?

Et pourtant, je t'espère toujours...
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xmuahx [Wednesday
May 4th, 2005]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | DragonForce - My Spirit Will Go On ]

"asliceofdi" was nice enough to give me a layout.

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*yawns* So...let's start with this [Wednesday
May 4th, 2005]
[ mood | artistic ]
[ music | KMFDM - A drug against war ]

Well, today wasn't exciting at all. I had to write my essay on the computer in my French class but the stupid printer didn't want to print anything so I never knew if my work was good or bad. And I won't know it until next week because tomorrow I skip my afternoon and I have French in the afternoon. Muhahaha ! I bet my teacher will be mad because I won't be there. Oh well.

Sara and Emily skipped they're classes today. It was really boring without them. At lunch time, Greg and I ate together and talk a little bit. I was uncomfortable with him at first because he's not very social and either am I. lol Anyway, I think it's better now that we talked... we kind of "know" each other.. like acquintances..if you know what I mean and if I make any sense with this.. lol

Tomorrow afternoon is going to be so much F U N. I'm going to the cinema with Ghyslain. We're going downtown to see "Itch". I heard that movie was funny and the previews I saw were funny so I hope they didn't put all the good jokes in the previews or I want my money back ! lol After the cinema, maybe we'll go to the library because I freaking need a book to read. I almost finish the one I'm reading now and I can't survive without a book. I want to read Stephen King's "The Shining". I've seen the movie and I loved it so I presume the book is 10 times better. It's like with the movie "Dreamcatcher". The movie was good but the book was 100 times better ! I think I'm gonna try to find a lot of books of Stephen King... I really feel like reading his books...*cross fingers* They have to have many books of him available or I just go there and shoot everyone ! lol

Right now, I'm really bored and I'm still hungry even if I ate my supper and I'm thinking about doing more designs on my jean jacket.Too plain, I hate it. If someone have any cool ideas, let me know because I don't really have any... lol

PS - I think I've found someone NICE enough to help me with my layout ! ^.^

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My Jean Jacket [Tuesday
May 3rd, 2005]
[ mood | excited ]
[ music | System Of A Down - Sugar ]

Finally, I decided that I would not use the Placebo logo. I browsed Deviantart's tattoo design gallery and found that design. I fell in love with it and tatam ! It's on my jacket now ! =D The stars are pink but you can't really tell because of the bad lightning. Poo.

The only thing that is missing on my jacket are the words "Noir Star". But I won't do it. I do not have a good calligraphy... ^.^''

Enjoy and comment/critic :

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Yummies [Tuesday
May 3rd, 2005]
I ate something really good for the tummie. Aero ice cone. YUMMIES ! Very chocolaté though... WHO CARES chocolate is good ! ^.^ I grave chocolat ! Humm.. Talking about that Aero ice cone makes me wanna eat one more ... lol

*sings* When the appetite is fine, everything is fine !
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My brain showed it was alive today. I DO have cerebral action ! lol [Tuesday
May 3rd, 2005]
[ mood | creative ]
[ music | Joy Divison - Love Will Tear Us Apart ]

The beggining of the day was painful. I was tired as hell because I went to bed
very late. Damn me for talking on the phone that much with Ghyslain..lol I think
we hung up at 12:55am and I still had my migraine. I don't know how I survived.
lol

In my math class, I slept on my desk and I didn't even noticed I fell asleep.
o___O
I was thinking about the problem I was trying to do and...
ZzzzzZzzzz
.... and of course my teacher gave me shit because I slept. Then,
I told her I was going to sit somewhere else because I was freezing where I was(near
the windows and the conditioned air). BUT I couldn't sit where I wanted because
there's already someone there SO I have to sit in front of her desk. U G H
! I hate being in the front and near the teacher's desk. I feel like I'm
observed... o_O I know, I'm paranoiac.

Lunch time was OK. I had a good time laughing with Emily and Greg. Too bad
Sandra decided to skip her afternoon, we would have had more fun with her... you
know, the more you are, the more fun you have ! =p

The best part of my day is when I was in French class. I was waiting after the
teacher to say my name so I can go ask her my stupid questions but she was doing
some stuff and it was taking forever so I started thinking.... thinking about
what I could wear tomorrow ! (wow, I wasn't bored at all heh ! *roll eyes*) So,
I thought I could wear my jean jacket if the wind wasn't too cold tomorrow and
that's the exact moment where creativity hit me. lol I had the BEST clothing
idea ever since .... I'm born : I thought of making the logo of Placebo on the
back of my jean jacket.

ISN'T THAT AN AWESOME IDEA ?! *faint*

I also thought to write Noir Star on it. I don't know but I freakin' love that
name. Maybe it's one of my many disorders, of well.

Here's what the logo looks like : (click on the image to see the full image
size).








Cool or not ?! COOL ! lol Definatly. ^.^ But I'm not really sure if I
want that or a tattoo design I could find on
deviantart.com
...

If you guys have some cool design tattoo that could "fit" with the words Noir
Star (noir=black), I would like to see it ! =D Please comment ?
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Overrides ? [Monday
May 2nd, 2005]
[ mood | dorky ]

Can anyone help me with the overrides ?! I tried to understand the whole thing but what can I say, I'm stupid ! ^.^''

Can someone give me overrides I can edit myself or do it for me or... something ? Anything ? Please ? Anyone ? =/

_Sin*

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Mondays always sucks [Monday
May 2nd, 2005]
[ mood | exhausted ]
[ music | A.F.I - Girl's Not Grey ]

C'mon guys, admit it ! Mondays does sucks. Maybe it's just me, because I'm like Garfield, I don't know ... but I hate mondays. For a lot of reasons. I never get to sleep well on Sunday nights so I'm exhausted when I wake up and I always have French on monday mornings... Poo. I don't know why I never get to sleep well on Sundays... well, yes, I think I know. Because I'm imsomniac and then it's because I know that when morning comes, it'll means that I'll have to wait six more days to see Ghyslain. And that totally sucks. I hope we could live closer... *sigh*

Today was like all the other days of the past weeks and the ones to come : boring. At least, I worked a little on my essay... but I didn't do anything in Maths because I was doing my essay... ^.^'' Oh well.

The week-end was........ devastating. I wish I'll never have to live something like that again. To be brief, my boyfriend(Ghyslain) and I had a big fight and we decided to take a break last Wednesday and then it got worst buuuut we finally worked things out and we're still together. I just hope we took the right choice. Time will tell I guess.

Anyways, I have to go take my shower and try to get rid off my migraine.
If anyone of you noticed that I made some mistakes when I wrote, it's probably because my first language is French. I decided to write in English to improve my vocablury and all that jazz. Fun, fun.
Anyways, comments are always appreciated and I always always comment back. Yay for us.

_Sin*

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