colline's Journal

Saturday, November 1, 2003

5:47PM

im screwing up all the time now....i cant do anything right anymore...... no matter what i always manage to have someone mad at me for something,.... im so angry that i made drew mad at me i never want him to be mad at me but at the same time i understand why he was and probably still is. i would be to but if he did know he would understand so this is pretty much a trust factor that he has to trust me that i will tell him but just not now. there are reasons i promise..... ahhhh i fucking hate keeping secrets i wish i could just get it out of my system i wish it was that easy but NOOOOO its not just something you say to anyone its just not the time.....im confusing myself and making myself angry so im gonna go be emo and listin to dashboard like i always do ..... i will sit and think about drew like i always do i will cry like i always do then i will go to wendys and pig out on $1 menu with dj like i havent dont in the longest time.....then i will wish drew was there and cry....LIKE I ALWAYS DO

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Monday, October 27, 2003

10:31PM

lalalalalalalaworstniteeverlalalalalaimissdrewlalalalalaimsolostwithouthimlalalala

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2:53PM

i havent written in here for a while the only new update is...... i fucking miss drew more than anything and i hate it.... i want to see him everyday.

oh yeah and i got my senior pics back today wahoo

drew means the world to me

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Monday, September 29, 2003

1:29PM - best day in a while

so drew calls me up saturday nite and hes all like hey im gonna come down tomorrow so im all excited then he says hes takin the 6:55 am train so he can make it in time for church so im even more excited and i think i got about 1 hour of sleep all night....so gram and kelly pick me up for breakfast and moms gonna pick up drew when his train gets in and she supposed to bring him to meet me at church but they didnt get there till about 1030 and didnt come in...so im in church all sad and kinda worried and wondering where they are...so after church kelly calls drews cell and he says they went to the diner with my mother and they were just gettin done breakfast...lol so cute so then they come to church for the penny carnival and we hung out which was soo fun b/c its my cutie. and adam kept stealing candy from the little kids and stuff and got yelled at for trying to mix up the candy so that kinda sucked....ahhh and they had to meet the nazi pastor lady...ewww....

so then we went to my house so kelly and i could change and drew-adam sat on the porch the losers didnt even come in and say hi to daddy....ugh whatever...
so then we go to the deptford mall and say hi to annabanana and walk around for a bit and then we walked over to barnes and noble but drew had a message from chin and go waaay to excited so we walked around b&n for a while and i bought a book on new england expressions which is the most awesome book ever..whatever drew says hes a dork.....so then we go to old navy and adam was being a model that was adorable..

then we go to grams to get drews back pack. then we take him to see chin at the echelon mall and he was sooo happy we tried to delay him from getting there but he kept pushing me towards the mall so he got there it was soo cute we were teasing him and saying chins his boyfriend and he got all angry it was sooo cute and i just wanted to kiss him the whole time he was there but i kinda felt odd with kelly there i dunno whatever....


ahhh i have the most amazingly sweet boyfriend in the world...how many people would take a train at 7 am to visit thier girlfriend. ahhhhhhhhh im soo happy and to make it better i get to see him again next sunday for out meeting its soo great.

i miss drew :(

Current mood: indifferent
Current music: HELLO AND GOODBYE --- ATARIS
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Sunday, September 28, 2003

12:06AM

so today i slept till about 330 and i had to be at work at 345 except for that 5 mins at noon when dj woke me up to pay me.....but work was soo borning and pnut came in so i was all mad....ewwww he dosent realize how much he gets on my nerves..trudie was so awesome.

so then i get home and have to listin to mommy talk for like an hour and then i go online and DREW says hes takin the 655 am train to come see me tomorrow and hes going to church with me im sooooo excited i cant wait to see him

ohhyeah and im at work and i realize that danny has my shorts and icedtea and jelly beans i want my jellybeans ugh.....

oh and the worst but funniest part of the nite im talkin to mom and i said something and i was like what the fuck are you talkin about and then im like ohh crap i just said fuck to my mom grrrreaaart
she started laughing then shes like thats enuff younglady im going to sleep..

ahhhhh DREW TOMORROW SOOOOO EXCITED.



EAGLES GAME TOMORROW

Current mood: excited
Current music: HANDS DOWN DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL
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Saturday, September 27, 2003

1:43AM - ok now lock your doors and get outta this area

so tonite was so fun we ( me, anna, danny, and harry) went to philly on a pretendo double date....and we were driving there and i was like soo scared going over the bridge b/c im a little scardey cat but the phillies game had fireworks and danny was like isnt this such a great date we give you fireoworks and everything ... so that made me feel a lil better about being on a bridge. then we drove around looking for genos and finally found it and had cheese steaks...then we left at 11:50 i had to be in by 12 then we get to the car and leave and get lost that was fun so finally after like 30 mins of deadends and one way streets we find the bridge (ugh i hate that thing) then we get back to the mall parking lot to get annas car and we ended up standing there talkin till 1 am and im now and hour late....which i dont really care about but we told mommy the clock was wrong....she was angry......ohh well....so it was a fun nite except for the bad memories of harry beating me with a club frosh year...lol and PUPPIES.....

danny-hey who touched my butt
me-it was harry
hahahahaha

ok well im gonna go talk to drew now b/c hes sooooo hoTT and hes my boyfriend and you wish you could have him but you cant.

ohh and yes danny he treats me very nice dont worry hes a good kid good kid.....


ok well lets see were the next adventure leads us .....you'll have to tune back to see.

muah kids

Current mood: giddy
Current music: 2000 miles mest
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Thursday, September 25, 2003

11:32PM - i'll never let you down again

SORRY IM NOT PERFECT LIKE MOM WANTS ME TO BE SORRY IM NOT THE GIRL YOUR MIND WISHES FOR. SORRY IM NOT THE ONE THAT YOU CAN RUN TO WITH EVERY LITTLE PROBLEM.(WAIT IM A WIPPED LITTLE BITCH I AM THE ONE EVERONY COMES TO) BUT WHO DO I HAVE TO GO TO....MY MIRROR.....THAT SUCKS MAJOR ISH..

DONT BE THE HERO THAT SAVES THE DAY

STRAWBERRY LINES OF SHAME

Current mood: contemplative
Current music: I ONCE WAS BLIND BANE
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Tuesday, September 23, 2003

10:42PM - lots O fun

hmm i wonder when she will grow up and act her age and stop ignoring me everytime i upset her i didnt fucking say anything and she gets all hostile and acting like a 4 year old....lets ignore colline thats real mature...what a fucking moron.....why do mothers have to be so dumb......i dont understand them at all. i wish she would treat me like a human and her daughter instead of trying to make me djs shadow.....why cant you be like your brother why cant you be smart why do you always get in trouble why cant i trust you like i trust dj why are you always sad why do you destroy your life WHY DO YOU TREAT ME LIKE I DONT MATTER? HUH WHY ANSWER ME THAT I CANT STAND IT MOM WHY DONT YOU TREAT ME LIKE MY BROTHER WHY AM I DIFFRENT B/C IM NOT AS SMART AND IM NOT A LITTLE FRIGGEN ANGEL LIKE YOU THINK HE IS BUT HES NOT......YA KNOW WHAT I DONT CARE I'LL JUST DO WHAT I ALWAYS DO THAT UPSETS YOU UNTILL YOU CRY YOUR LITTLE EYES OUT FOR DAYS THEN TELL ME HOW HORRIBLE I AM AND HATE ME AGAIN....THAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY THEN YOU'LL PROVE ME WRONG AND I'LL BE A FUCKED UP KID. LETS ALL HAVE FUN MAKING FUN OF COLLINE ALL NIGHT THATS MY IDEA OF FAMIY FUN....HELL YEAH TO THAT

I MISS DREW SOO MUCH MUAH MY CUTIE

DONT BE THE HERO THAT SAVES THE DAY

Current mood: cranky
Current music: GOLDFINGER
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Monday, September 22, 2003

3:29PM - first day of school

so today was the first day of school..senior year ohh yeah
it was alright not all that or anything...lets see whats my schedule
1st-biology (im thee only chick)
2nd-woodtech(1otha chick)
3rd-senior english ( 3otha chicks) nazzzi teacher pete and i will have fun being sent to the office
4th-landscaping outside classroom hot stuff (only chick again)
5th-senior math
6th-lunch (lots of chicks)
7th-gym (2 chicks) new PINK lockers hot stuff.
8&9th --- home for nappy time


so thats it thats my day mon-fri. its not to bad i guess......

lets see big dates to remember
10/10-DELSEA GAME (AWAY) WERE GONNA KICK ASS
10/18-HOMECOMING
10/29-GLOUCESTER GAME (WHAT A JOKE)
JAN?-SNOWBALL
1/30-BISHIOPS BALL ( LANER WERE GONNA BE HOTT AGAIN AND ROCK THE HOTEL SUITE LOL)
5/7-PROM
5/8-9--PROM WEEKEND

MARCH OR APRIL--ROAD TRIP FUCK SENIOR TRIP.........



OK WELL I GOTTA GO DO ISH

SENIORS CLASS OF 2004 WE KICK ASS

I MISS DREW HES SOOO HOTT

Current mood: awake
Current music: GOLDFINGER
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Sunday, September 21, 2003

1:40AM - strawberry

so i got to talk to drew tonite it was so great he might come see me next weekend i'll be so happy.
hmm i start school tomorrow summers finally over. ugh i just looked at my rose plant laner bought be and its like dying. oh well thats what happens when u et stood up again.....lifes a bitch deal with it.

oh so i cant wait to tell rory what i got....hmmmm

so remember dont be the hero that saves the day! strawberry lines of remorse live within

-lost was the child we all once did hide-

Current mood: guilty
Current music: grace of god go i flogging molly
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Saturday, September 20, 2003

1:06PM - hahahhaa

so last night did get a little better i had a talk with one of my friends and it helped.
i have to go to work today it should be ok im working with my boss hes fun. awww djs takin me to work tonite so maybe we can get wendys who knows...

ugh im gonna go be bored

dont be the hero that saves the day......let the strawberry lines linger

Current mood: cranky
Current music: burning bridges --mest
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1:00PM - hahahhaa

so last night did get a little better i had a talk with one of my friends and it helped.
i have to go to work today it should be ok im working with my boss hes fun. awww djs takin me to work tonite so maybe we can get wendys who knows...

ugh im gonna go be bored

dont be the hero that saves the day......let the strawberry lines linger

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12:29AM - can we forget this ever happened

so last nite that little whore isabelle showed up but we kicked butt and were kewl...except some lost power and trees....but yeah it was nothing....

omg i wish tonight would just end..first i work from like 1-10 when im only supposed to work from 5-10 and the whole fucking time im there who do i have to see everywhere i go...none other than matt the little prick.....why do guys have to be assholes.. whatever i dont care...but then john and i were laughing at donna the day shift lady...and that was fun...but while i was outside wating for mom to pick me up some guys were calling me a whore and saying all this crap and i was sooo scared i thought they were gonna like kidnap me or something but then my brothers friend walked out and stood with me so they left me alone.....god it was soo scarey....and then to make the night end with a perfect ending.....i called drew to late and the adorableness that he is was already asleep and me the dumbass i am woke him up but he said goodnight and went back to sleep.....ugh im sorry drew...i miss drew so much i cant stand it. 15 days till i see my perfect cutie again..hmmm i cant wait.


ohh yeah so this weekend im on my own again..i wonder where they are going this weekend...glad i have work to keep me busy since my parents are never around.....and while im not working i'll sit around and be alone thats always nice once in a while.....or in my case every freaking weekend (my parents have abetter social life than me).

well i think thats enuFF complaning for one nite i'll go make myself happy another way......dundundun only rory knows the true key to happiness...not really but he knows what the hell im talkin about

dont be the hero that saves the day

dont forget to hide the strawberry lines

Current mood: aggravated
Current music: perfect.....simple plan........
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Wednesday, September 17, 2003

11:54PM - what do you do?

what do you do when your worse childhood memory comes back to haunt you. how do you stop the memory from ruining your life once again. how do you stop the pain and the fear that really never left how do you get through it one more time. i cant do it its all to much ...... the pain is back i dont know what to do. i can only sit here and cry at the thought of that night when everything changed. i dont think anything will ever be the same.

i sit here alone and cry
i look into my eyes '
they are all bloodshot and swollen
i cant take the pain i cant take the memories
if only you knew what it feels like to be hurt.
i can only wish that it could all go away
but what kind of wish comes true anyway.

dont be the hero that saves the day

Current mood: uncomfortable
Current music: you dont see me.
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4:10PM - its all starting up again

what do you do with the past when it wont go away. the past keeps creaping up into my life again like it wants to stay and become my future. this illness wont go away. the blind illness that know one can figure out its all just the same with or without me. im not sure what i mean anymore. i think i just blindly talk about pointless crap and i destroy me inside and out. you can all continue to be blind...be blind like my mother who refuses to believe her eyes when she watches me destroy my life. shes so blind to her own daughter. what ever fuck it i dont care.

i'll be like the rest of you and be blind to myself all the same.

strawberry lines of life

dont be the here that saves the day

Current mood: crappy
Current music: stuff
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12:33AM - stop me

will someone please stop me from myself im my own worst enemy i cant stop hurting me. emotionally and physically. omg its all coming back i dont know what triggered it this time everything is all happening over again. its all happening at once i've never had this all at once. its soo scary. i think im going to fall over and die soon......im so sick inside if only anyone knew what was wrong. i'll continue to keep it a secret for only me to know a secret that will tear me apart inside untill one day its too late.......secrets are sad.

dont be the hero that saves the day. just watch the strawberry lines linger

Current mood: scared
Current music: red elbows....ultimate fakebook
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Tuesday, September 16, 2003

11:46PM - sweetness

as i sit there and silently cry i listin the the softness of his voice and wish i was there in his arms i wish i was there in the secuerity of his hugs and the sweetness of his kisses but im not im stuck here a million miles away from *him* i hated telling him tonight that i wont be able to see him this weekend i could just tell without words how upset he was b/c im just as upset. i wanted to see him more than anything and now i have to wait longer. the longer i wait the harder it gets to say goodbye. only he knows what i mean. *he* is the only person that can understand b/c hes the other half of this sadness. i miss him soo much and theres nothing i can do untill i get my license and i can drive up there to visit him more than i do now. I MISS HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD I THINK I'LL CRY MY SELF TO SLEEP YET ANOTHER NIGHT......AND DREAM ABOUT THE ONE I AM CRAZY OVER.

Current mood: sad
Current music: HELLO AND GOODBYE --- ATARIS
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11:46PM - sweetness

as i sit there and silently cry i listin the the softness of his voice and wish i was there in his arms i wish i was there in the secuerity of his hugs and the sweetness of his kisses but im not im stuck here a million miles away from *him* i hated telling him tonight that i wont be able to see him this weekend i could just tell without words how upset he was b/c im just as upset. i wanted to see him more than anything and now i have to wait longer. the longer i wait the harder it gets to say goodbye. only he knows what i mean. *he* is the only person that can understand b/c hes the other half of this sadness. i miss him soo much and theres nothing i can do untill i get my license and i can drive up there to visit him more than i do now. I MISS HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD I THINK I'LL CRY MY SELF TO SLEEP YET ANOTHER NIGHT......AND DREAM ABOUT THE ONE I AM CRAZY OVER.

Current mood: sad
Current music: HELLO AND GOODBYE --- ATARIS
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3:37PM - dont be the hero just save the day

wtf...would if have been so hard for you to tell me that once the blood dries up the scars last forever nothing will change the past and nothing can change the NOW but something might change the future. if only you knew what the something is. you could be the fuckin hero that saves the day. you could be the one that saves me from myself but your not so stop acting like you know me and try to be my friend. dont pretend you understand when you have no fuckin idea what is going on. the only person who gives a fuck is so distant with his own problems that he forgot what we were all about. he forgot that we were supposed to look out for each other and take the pain away but fuck him im alone depressed and xxx'd up for the rest of time.......ya'll wish you knew who the hell im talkin about and i bet he has no fuckin clue either. well deal with it you dont know me and you dont know him so stop being the fucking hero and go save the day far away from me. ( and no its not a fuckin boyfriend or ex)

i need no one except the someone i cant see. the one i fuckin love more than anything but i cant say it b/c i gave up on love for the fear of the scars but everytime i talk to him or see him or think of him my mouth goes numb and i get so nervous that i want to run and hide for the fear of gettin hurt again. the constant need for his presense is to much it burns inside and i want to be with him all the time and im lucky if i get to see him once a month and i cant stand it b/c everytime i have to say goodbye it hurts more than the last time and everytime i watch him leave i want to cry right there and make him come back but i dont i wait untill im out of sight then i let the one lonley tear fall from my eye and i wonder what hes thinking and i wish i could just run away and be with him but i know i cant and i hate it so i'll sit in this room and wonder about what hes doing right now....then i'll watch the pale skin with strawberry lines.........dont be a hero just save the day

Current mood: numb
Current music: hands down dashboard confessional
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1:59PM - theres a certian reason people meet

wow am i the only one who LOVES skippy peanutbutter.

so last nite im reading this old email from dave and i started crying like the little girly i am and i felt so happy knowing i have such an awesome best frined like davey. im so lucky to have all my friends from happening and wya and camp i love ya'll

and for my drew....ahhh i miss him soo much i hate living so far apart it sucks so much. hes soo cute and sweet and perfect all ya gurls would be jealous if ya'll knew him.....lol heart break fake smile 2000 miles.



work tonite 5 till close come keep me sane im working with teefs

Current mood: calm
Current music: bane---i once was blind
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