Lauren's journal

Thursday, November 19th, 2009

3:59 pm - Time to let go

I do want him to move on, and be happy. I just always thought I'd be doing it first. Comforting him as a friend, giving him advice, as a friend. It moved our relationship to somewhere it's never been before; a friendship. And I truly love how that feels. He opened up to me by telling me these things. He said he hadn't talked to anyone about this, and I'm glad he felt comfortable enough telling me, even though I sort of did have to drag it out of him. He's asking me advice on how to get a girl, and I'm actually sitting there helping him! And what's even more strange was, it felt good to me to be helping him. I didn't feel weird or uncomfortable at all. Until this morning, when I got home and played the events of last night again with a sober mind. We fooled around a bit last night at I was totally uninhibited, but not just from the alcohol. I felt like I could be free with him because I didn't have to worry about how it might be strange later. And he's telling me over and over that we're just fooling around, that's all it was. I'm saying, "I know this...I know this! Can we just get down to it already?" And he tells me he loves me. I tell him I love him too, always. And after, he's asking what we're going to do when we start dating again. I told him I'm not looking to date right now. I want to finish school and get myself a career and a car and a place of my own. Then when all that is squared away, I can try to pursue something. Then I realized he wasn't talking about me.
"I thought you said you didn't want a relationship?"
He says, "I don't."
Then he's talking about "dating", not a relationship. Then he talks about this girl. He asks me, "Have you ever met someone and just known you were supposed to be with them?" I was silent. I didn't know how to answer that. I would have said, "Yeah...it was with you." But that wouldn't have worked. I said, "I actually don't know how that feels..." He really likes this girl, and he says he's such a douchebag because he gets so nervous and shy around her. I had never seen that side of him before. He said he wanted to try to make a move, but he just couldn't. And I'm sitting there telling him what to do! He tells me he's lonely. I tell him that I know exactly how he feels, then I apologize for hurting him and making him feel that way. At one point, I told him, it wasn't working with us. It had to be ended, we just weren't happy. Like, I was the one telling him that, instead of him telling me that. I get home this morning, looking through my journal about what I wrote last about him, and it said that I was so in love with him. Then the tears started, and they pretty much have been going all day. It is so very hard to let him go. Again. I know that when things get serious with that girl, I won't be seeing him anymore. And it will really feel like a giant hole in my heart. I'm trying to get as much of him as I can now before that happens. It's weird to say I know we don't belong together and we were just making each other miserable. I mean, we were. But, I still miss him. I was still holding out hope somewhere in the back of my mind that somehow, someday, we would be able to work through all of that and we'd be so much better than before. But I'm starting to realize, that just isn't a reality. It isn't going to happen. And I feel like such a failure for giving up on us. God knows I wanted it to work, and I felt like I had exhausted all other means. It was most definitely a last resort. But I see him now and hear him talk about someone else, and, he's okay. His world didn't come crashing down. He's moved on. And for whatever reason, I can not find it in me to do the same. He is not for me. We were not meant to be. Just keep telling yourself that. It hurts so god damn much. He isn't mine. I need to let him go. You always will have a piece of my heart. You are my first love. That is something that happens once in a lifetime. I love you forever, Tyler.

current mood:

discontent

Sunday, November 15th, 2009

7:30 pm

Ok, so I talked to Mr. T. We sort of came to an agreement. I told him I'm cool with what we have now, whatever that is. Us hanging out and fooling around without any sort of commitment to one another because we aren't wanting relationships. I didn't know I felt that way until I heard the words come out of my mouth, actually. I told him I want to finish school, get my license and get a job before I worry about a relationship. He said he wanted time to figure himself out because he's in no place in his life right now for a relationship. Plus, I mean, he's never really had that time in his life as an adult. He was with me since he was 16. And yeah, I guess you can say I've never had that time to myself either. But just these past few months have been awesome. I mean, I'm happy, I have friends and somewhat of a social life, I have a career goal, I know that I want to move up north eventually, so that is a goal of mine. So yeah, I have things going on right now, and so does he, and we don't need to fuck it all up by being together again. However, I did ask him if there was a potential of us being together again. I can't remember how I worded it though. But he said, "Who knows?" I think this is a good arrangement. We can be together while we are apart and figure out what we want from life, then when that's all done, we can be together. Or not. I went to lunch with Marcy today and we talked about that, and she was telling me why I don't want to be with him, and it's like, "You know, you're right." There's so much crap about him that I don't like and won't be happy living with. And who knows if he'll change or not. Right now, we can enjoy one another's company and not worry about having to answer to anyone. I described it as "casual". We didn't talk much about it though because he said, "I played two rounds of golf and didn't get any sleep." I felt like saying, "Yeah, I know....I was there." It was just so easy to be so passionate and so loving with him. Yeah, that's good for me. I won't look for a guy, but I know if I want to fuck, I have someone to call for that. And besides that, we have fun together. More fun than we've had hanging out together in a long time. So, I guess it is a friends with benefits kind of relationship right now. Didn't think I was that kind of girl. But, like I've said before, life doesn't turn out the way you planned. Hmmm....So, anyway, that's what's what. I'm going to go wax myself now with some new wax I got, then take a bath, put on this DVD of old Christmas cartoons and go to sleep. Peace.

current mood:

satisfied

2:09 pm - Lots-o-crap

Let's see, so much has happened, I don't know whether to start with the really interesting stuff of the stuff that happened first. On Tuesday, Marcy and I went to that restaurant to see Rob, and I got up to refill my drink and Marcy's like, "Are you going to the bathroom?" And I'm like, "What? No, I'm going to...oh, yeah, do you want to do that now?" That was our plan for her to go talk to him. I told her that I'd go to the bathroom and she'd talk to Rob about me. So, I did, and she did. I got out and on the walk back to school she told me that she told him I liked him, but he said he has a girlfriend. Which is total crap, because when I first started liking him, Marcy knew and asked if he had a girlfriend, and he said "No." And she brought that up to him, and he said his relationship was on the rocks at the time and he didn't know how to answer that. But I'm kind of okay with it. I couldn't really see myself with that guy anyway. But then I got all depressed because I don't have a man, or even a crush anymore.
So, yesterday on my lunch break I texted Mr. T and asked if he wanted to go to the movies. We texted back and forth a bit and we decided to hang out. I called him when I got out of school and he told me to meet him at the bar we met at last week. So I got something to eat there, had 2 ciders, and a cherry bomb and was totally smashed. We went to the movies to see 2012. During the movie, in my still inebriated state, I put my arms around his and snuggled up to him. I was waiting for some sort of reaction, but he pretty much ignored it. After the movie, his friend had texted him so he asked if I wanted to go to their house to hang out. This was around 1 AM. So, we went over there, but I was feeling a little awkward, because these were people we'd hang out with when we were together. But he had a few more drinks, but I couldn't because I was driving, and we sat around and talked for at least an hour or so. Then I drove him to his place, and he was complaining about his back hurting. I told him I'd massage him, only I didn't have any oil with me. He said he didn't care, so I lamely tried a dry massage. It was awkward positioning in the car. He said he'd give me 20 to massage him until he fell asleep. I said that would be fine, so we went inside in his room. It was dark in there. He layed on his back and I told him to take off his shirt. I did the best massage I could, seeing as how we were on his bed, which was on the ground because he doesn't have a bed frame, and I didn't have any oil. He turned over and I gave him a bit of a hand and arm massage. Then, well, I'm not sure what happened. He kind of pulled me on top of him, I think, and we were holding each other like that for a little bit, then he started to kiss me. So we were making out a little bit. I stopped him and told him I couldn't do it. I think I said it was because he was just supposed to be my friend and I can't make out with friends. And I think at one point, maybe before we started kissing, I was saying that I missed him and that I was sorry for being a bitch to him and being so mean, and he was saying how we couldn't be together because "we" don't want to be in a relationship, and I said "That's not true." I'm not exactly clear on the order of these events here. So, yeah, we were making out and I was feeling all over his chest because his shirt was off, and it was like he was a different person. He's lost so much weight since we broke up, and he wasn't muscular, but it was a lot easier to feel his muscles. If anything he was bony. But I couldn't stop touching him. I took off my shirt, and before I knew it, we were naked and screwing. Only, he stopped me halfway through and told me it was a bad idea to be doing this. I don't know why he didn't think of that before he started kissing me. But I was so incredibly horny, I ended up giving him head. We layed together naked for a little while, then he fell asleep and started snoring. I tried to get dressed. I got my underwear on, and he made the familiar "Uh uh" sound he used to make whenever I tried sneaking out after he fell asleep. After I heard that, I was like, "You know what, screw it. It's 4 in the morning now, he has to get up around 6, so I'll be home shortly after that anyway. What's another two hours?" Besides, I couldn't leave him. I pulled the blanket on top of us and snuggled up to him. We slept with our arms around each other. His phone rang around 6 and it was his friend telling him to get up because they were going to play golf. He rolled over to me, and started touching me, and was getting hard. He pulled me on top of him and said he wanted to fuck my brains out. So we did have sex, first thing this morning. Which I don't think we've ever done before. It was incredible. Just as amazing as I remembered it. Afterwards he said, "I'm sorry...", I said, "What for?" And he said, "You have to leave because I'm going soon." And I said, "I know," I spooned him, and kissed his neck. We got dressed and he walked me outside. He hugged me and I curled up to hug him. We didn't say we'd see each other soon. I gave him the $20 back he gave me earlier for massaging him. I said it wasn't fair because it wasn't a decent massage. He said "Okay, but I do want a massage soon." It was amazing. Now I'm left wondering what the hell we are now. I want to be with him, I do. And he doesn't. Not sure if he doesn't want to be with me or he doesn't want a relationship period. God....I miss the shit out of him. I'm going to call him later and ask him what we are doing. If we're just going to screw for now, that would be okay with me, but I do want the prospect of being together when it's all done with. I miss him...

current mood:

accomplished

Monday, November 9th, 2009

7:32 pm - Save Me

So Mr. T called me shortly after he said he would, which is kind of a big deal, considering that he was never that, well, considerate before. But he said that "something came up" and he couldn't do the massage today. I told him that would be fine. He apologized. He said maybe later tonight he could, but he'd call and let me know either way. Sure enough, he called a couple hours later and told me he wouldn't be able to do it tonight. "But," he said, "I still want a massage." Then he confirmed the days off I have, which also is a bit surprising to me that he remembered the days off of school I have, from telling him about it in, oh, July. I told him to just let me know when he wanted a massage. He sounded a little distracted, like he was in the company of someone he wasn't comfortable talking to me in the presence of. (Don't know if I said that sentence right.) There was a bit of silence. I said, "Ok...I'll talk to you later then." I was hoping he'd ask me to hang out this week, but he didn't. I can't believe I'm here trying to decipher his behavior (again!). I can't decide if he likes me and wants me or not. I think maybe a part of him does anyway. And if I didn't scare him off with the strange and awkward conversations I was starting Friday night, it's a good thing he's still sticking around. I think I even told him at one point that all I wanted was for him to propose to me, and that I waited for that for 7 years. God. How awkward that must have been for him. I remember though, he didn't comment. Didn't say anything in response to that. I can't remember how we got off that topic, or on it for that matter. I'm trying to go over what all I can remember from Friday and piece together whatever I can to decide if he wants me or not. Hmm. I will give him time. I will tell myself that if he calls me this week and wants to hang out again, it is for sure that he wants me. It's just going to be hard to not try to call him or text him. I need to let him make the move. Grr.
Oh, my friend Nancy wants to hang out with me! She was a dear friend of mine from years ago. We were so super close, I used to say she was my soul mate. Then we had a sort of falling out, I can't remember why now. Anyway, we started hanging out again, but not as intensely. Now I see her every few months. I actually haven't seen her since I've broken up with Mr. T. She doesn't know about that. Or that I'm going to massage school. That should be fun. We're supposed to hang out tomorrow after school. That is a good distraction for me.
Yeah, I think I'm going to do some stretching and light yoga. That's kind of redundant. Light yoga. Anyway. Do that and take a bath. I'd all but abandoned the idea of taking baths, until my teacher told us we should start doing that. I totally love it. It's relaxing and comforting. *Sigh* Yeah, ok. That's it. Peace.

current mood:

thoughtful
current music: Marc Broussard - Save Me

4:08 pm

I'm really trying to keep a positive attitude and remind myself that I am an awesome person, but this is getting to me. This makes 3 guys that have "stood me up" in the past, month or so. Is that like, I mean, what does that say about me? Ok, scratch that, 2 guys. Of all people to redeem themselves... my ex actually just now called me and canceled. But no, really. Why do people (guys) think it's okay to ignore someone when you make actual tangible plans to hang out? Not like a casual "We should do something sometime", but like a date was set and activities were planned. Is it okay all of a sudden to ignore someone you make plans with? I mean, whatever happened to human decency? I can't stand being ignored and crapped on. If you don't want to hang out or you can't, tell me. Just say "I don't feel like hanging out with you," don't just fucking ignore me like I'm going to magically disappear or something. God dammit, what is wrong with people today?

current mood:

pissed off

Sunday, November 8th, 2009

10:08 am - Stood up

So, I can't say I was officially stood up, because I didn't actually go somewhere and wait for my date to meet me there. But we did have plans to do something last night. I texted Duane around 5:30 asking him where we were going to meet, and never heard from him. I was waiting for a call or a text from him all night. My phone was silent. I felt entirely unimportant. And I cried for awhile. Then I thought to myself, "Well, I could cry and feel sorry for myself, or I could remember that I'm still an awesome person, and if doesn't want to hang out with me, well that's his loss." I tried to keep that attitude, but I was still upset about it. This morning all I could think about was Mr. T. And I think it's safe to say, I'm in love with him. I miss him and I want to be with him. But I don't think my drunken outbursts the other night helped my cause at all. I had fun with him. I don't know what my problem was 6+ months ago. I had given up on myself and my life. I thought it was him that was making me miserable, but it was me all the time. And I took it all out on him and blamed him. I know he does things I don't like, but that's who he is and I accept that. Only if he accepts me even if he doesn't like things I do. Just respect me is all. I gave up on us because I gave up on myself. Yeah. I'm seeing little things here and there, little signs that make me think of him. Like, my iPod will play songs that were "ours" or songs that make me think of him, and the other day I was leaving a bar with some friends and I saw his dream car, and I don't think I've ever seen one of those on the road before. I recognized what it was right away though, and I smiled thinking about him. I think we are supposed to be together, but there is a lot of shit we have to work through. I can have all I want, I just have to accept that it won't be the same way I want. Now I have a new mission. Not to find a man; to get a man - my man. He is and always will be mine. I just need to figure out how I'm going to make him see that.

current mood:

determined

Saturday, November 7th, 2009

4:06 pm - Dead dog

I hung out with Mr. T last night. I didn't think it would be a bad idea, seeing as how last time we hung out things went well. We went to this Irish pub, bar and grill type place that his friend owns. I had 2 drinks and I was totally buzzed. We talked a bit there, but then this band started playing and it was loud, so we left. He drove around in his car and I sat and just babbled on. When I'm drunk, all I do is talk. I can't remember all of what I said. I asked him if he's been dating and he said he went out with this one girl, "You might remember her," he tells me, then he abruptly says he doesn't want to talk about it because it was making him uncomfortable. I was not uncomfortable with the conversation at that point. I told him about Caveman. I said it didn't work out though, and he asked why. I said it didn't feel right. He kept prying and I said, "He tried to touch me and it just reminded me of.....", then I paused because I could feel my eyes welling up. I think he noticed. "...it made me uncomfortable," I managed. He showed me the motorcycle he bought and was trying to convince me to let him take me on a quick ride. He had me sit on the back. I got on and wrapped my arms around him, and rested my head on his shoulder. He bent his neck and gently put his face to mine. He pulled away quickly after that. I took my arms down, then he reached for them and had me hold him again. We decided not to go for a ride, because he was inebriated and had no license to drive it. He made me give him a rain check on it though. We continued to drive around and I talked and talked. I kept bringing up the past. I asked him why it didn't work out, and he said he didn't want to talk about the past. I never would have thought that out of the two of us, I'd be the one who wanted him back. But that's what it was. All night all I thought about was why couldn't we be together anymore. All I wanted was to be together again, even though I know how terrible it all was. And I really don't know if it's because I miss him so much, or it's the fact that I miss having him, a boyfriend. I can't figure it out. He asked me if I could give him a deal on a massage. I told him I'd do 90-minute for $30. When he quickly agreed to it, I realized I should have raised my price. But I am still in school. I'm supposed to see him Monday for that. It will be nice to have some cash. But after a completely sleepless night (which never happens to me), I decided I just can't hang out with him anymore. I will tell him on Monday. It just hurts too much. Hearing him talk about being a single 24 year old guy looking for "some"... I can't pretend he's my friend. We have too much history. I love him. I will always love him. And whenever we do move on, it is going to kill me. Which kinda sucks, because I have a date with Duane tonight.
I'm finally going to meet him. But it's not until late. And I hope to God it goes well so I can hurry up and get Mr. T out of my mind. It's like when your dog dies. You can't live with that hurt, you have to go out almost immediately and buy a new puppy. Try to forget you ever loved something that intensely and shared so many happy memories. My relationship with Mr. T is my dead dog. Duane is my new puppy. Well, we'll see how that goes. I can only hope.
Today, I didn't go to school. Because I had cramps from hell and like I said earlier, did not get a wink of sleep last night. Thinking about the past. It's the first day of school I've missed, and I feel like a total douche because I had appointments today. I hate when people are absent. Yet, there I was, in bed at 11 am. Thinking of a good enough excuse to tell my class why I was out. No, see. I can't deal with having Mr. T in my life. See what he's doing to me already? Making me miss class. God damn him. Why am I letting him do this to me? I can't be his friend. I can't see him anymore. Yeah it was fun to hang out with him, but it's not worth feeling like this, regretting breaking up with him. I did it for a reason. He was making me miserable. And my life is so much happier now. God damn you.

current mood: remorseful

Wednesday, November 4th, 2009

2:02 pm

The thought of doing this all over again is exhausting. Of meeting someone and getting to know them and learning things that you may not like and building a history, it is so much work. Part of me wants to forgo all of that, and with it the prospect of being truly happy in love, for the short cut - go back to the ex. Something familiar without all the work. But in doing that, I will let go of everything I wanted in a partner for myself. Is it worth it? I'm trying to decide if it's worth it all. To be with someone who knows you so well for the sake of being in a relationship, or trying to start this all over from scratch with someone you may end up compromising for anyway.
I've had this sneaking suspicion that I was never meant to be in a relationship, as bad as I want it. I'm supposed to be alone forever. I think I'm finally accepting that. It's not easy to admit. Especially when so many other things in my life are going so well. I can see myself in 5 or 10 years, living in some small town somewhere up north, having like 5 dogs, volunteering, having lots of friends, owning my own house, traveling. And I'm okay with that. I mean, it doesn't sound like a bad life to me. Only, there isn't anyone to share it with. Yeah, I will be lonely.
Nobody tells you this. Nobody tells you that life goes on whether or not you're ready for it. That you don't automatically know who you are and what you want from life. You have to figure all of that out. And people who do actually find someone, who are happy and completely in love and have no regrets about being with that person, that is a miracle. It happens everyday, and it's common, but it's still a miracle. I mean, everyone I know, even people who I lost contact with years ago from high school, if they aren't married, they are in a serious relationship. And where am I? More or less, in the same place. My life is slowly moving forward. God knows it's taken me long enough, but it's coming along. But I'm doing it alone. And I am getting to be okay with that. I have friends and I have things that make me laugh and ways to pass the time. I have goals and dreams. And all without a significant other. I never expected to be alone at this point in my life. Hell, this is when most peoples' lives are beginning. I should be married with 2 kids and one on the way by now. And I never would have thought that out of all my friends and even my sisters, that I'd be the one to be alone. Because I wanted this so bad. I wanted so much to have a relationship, for as long as I can remember. It doesn't work out that way. Sometimes, as bad as you want it, it just wasn't meant to be. I had my chance at love. I wanted it to work. God knows I tried. It gave up on me. I have to let go of this idea of finding it again. I have to be able to live my life without worrying about who I'm going to share it with. I waited 7 years for my life to happen. Patiently. It never did. Now, not 6 months later, my life has really gotten on track, without love. I can do it, I know I can. It's just going to be one hell of a lonely ride.

current mood:

pensive

Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009

9:09 pm - Best day ever!

Today was an awesome day at school. We got to meet the "spewbies", or spa-newbies. It was their first day. And they looked scared shitless, just like we did on our first day! I can't believe it's been 4 months already. It seems like yesterday it was our first day. It's amazing. Before we know it, we'll be graduated! We had a wellness walk to a park today where we brought yoga mats, did a bit of stretching and meditation, and then we sat in a big circle and we all said something nice about everyone in the class. It was such a great thing to hear. There were actually some tears too. Most people's opinion of me was that I'm giving and compassionate and helpful. Like, humanitarian-like. Which is weird, because I hate people. But I guess I don't hate them as much as I thought, not if people think of me like that. We were all so full of love after that! I just wanted to hug on everyone. It's amazing how much you want to touch people. I was never a touchy feely person, but this spa program is making me one. Oh, and Marcy and I went to that mexican-style restaurant where my old crush Rob works. I flirted with him a bit, don't know if he was receptive to that. But he came and brought us these yummy dessert things and I'm like, "You should sit down and join us!" And he's like, "I wish I could, but..." (That's what Jason said when I asked if he wanted to grab lunch with me) But then we hugged him good-bye, and then it hit me - I really like him. Again. Marcy said she'd try to help me out with that. She kind of has a man now. Actually, we were supposed to double date tonight with her new guy and his best friend, but the friend couldn't make it. And I was hella disappointed too because I wanted to hang out. Not that the friend is all that amazing or anything, I just wanted to be social. That's amazing. I was never social, but now I'm looking for people to hang out with. YAY! Oh, this way sexy guy on POF messaged me. OH! And also, Duane and I are supposed to hang out on Saturday after school. Hehehe. I told him that he needs to take me out since he ditched me last week. If he ditches me again though, I think I'll just forget about him. I haven't even met him yet. If it's this hard to try to meet this guy, what would it be like if we were together? Hmm. I don't know. But I like Rob a lot too. Hehehe! I have 3 guys now, actually 4 because that one other guy was messaging me on POF. Well, 2 actual prospects. I really like Rob. I'm going to relive that hug over and over again...Yeah, I'm a loser. I'm going to bed. PEACE!

current mood:

happy

Sunday, November 1st, 2009

5:10 pm - Guys are so simple, they're confusing

So, I was seriously contemplating calling up Mr. T and asking if he wanted to hang out tonight because I am super bored, and we did have fun the other night. It wasn't weird, well, not entirely weird. Until the end. I knew he was going to ask me to go back to his place because he asked, "You have to get up early in the morning, don't you?" And I'm like, "Yeah, I have school." That was his segue. He did that quite often when we were together. But he didn't actually ask me. But luckily, before I had a chance to call him tonight, Marcy called me asking if I wanted to go with her to see her man. Well, he's not her man yet. Soon though. Duane and I were supposed to hang out today. I texted him yesterday because I hadn't heard from him in awhile and I asked if we were still on for today. He said that he was going to visit his family so we wouldn't be able to do anything. But, he prefaced it with, "Hey babe." I was very excited at first to see he called me babe. Then it felt weird. Caveman called me babe and baby and all sorts of cute pet names when we talked on the phone. It was like a Caveman flashback. I do not want to develop feelings for this guy before we even meet. Not doing that crap again. Anyway, he said he'd call me when he got back, or he'd "talk" to me when he got back. That most likely means text me. It's weird with him though. He seems like a really sweet guy, but we've talked on the phone twice for maybe 15 minutes each time, and when we make plans to hang out, he bails on me. I wish he would make up his mind.
So, the other day I saw this really good looking guy on POF, sort of reminded me of Jason. He's like wannabe ghetto. He's 30 (that is a positive), but he has 2 kids, negative. His name is Brian. I actually put him on my favorites list because I didn't have time to message him because I was running out the door to meet Mr. T. But he messaged me, saying that he's not on POF very frequently and telling me to call or text some time, and left his number. I told him I may do that Sunday (today) because I had school Saturday. I'm nervous though. I mean, I don't really know much about this guy. What would I say to him if I were to call him, or text him? I suppose I could be spontaneous and whatnot, but that's what I tried to be with Jason and look where that got me. Why am I still thinking about that asshole, anyway? Hmm, well, maybe tonight while Marcy and I are out I'll text this new guy and see where that goes. Okay, Imma leave now. Peace!

current mood:

curious

Friday, October 30th, 2009

10:14 pm

Ugh. (No, not the boot.)
So, had a, "hang out" with the ex today. It actually was pleasant enough. It was awkward at first, but we started small talking and bull shitting and it wasn't that bad. We went to Chili's to eat something, then we saw "Couples Retreat", which is kind of ironic, because it's a movie about couples like, rekindling their marriages. Them realizing how good they have it to be with one another. Yes, a little weird. Then there was the uncomfortable walk to the parking lot, where there wasn't much to say. I could tell he wanted to say something though. I thanked him for paying for the dinner, and the movie. And we went in for a hug. I contemplated giving him a kiss on the cheek, but I didn't want him to misinterpret anything. He said to give him a call if I ever wanted to hang out again. I said for him to do the same. Because, truth be told, I won't be calling him to hang out again. If someone is going to call someone, he'll be calling me. It doesn't seem like he's changed all that much. I guess I was expecting him to have changed. I have. I just really hope to God he doesn't want to like, start something again. Nothing will be different. I don't want to compromise who I am and what I want to accommodate what he wants. Not again. I really really hope he hasn't like, decided he wants to be with me again and is trying to pursue it. I feel bad for him. He seems lonely. Hmm. Well, there's nothing I can do about that anymore. It's not my concern anymore. If he's lonely, he needs to take care of that himself. I'm taking care of my loneliness, or trying to anyway. Without him. I don't even know if a friendship is possible. We weren't friends before we dated, why would we be friends now that it's over? Like I said, UGH!

current mood:

confused

2:31 pm - My life cannot be drama-free

Marcy, Corine and her boyfriend and I went to Howl-o-Scream last night. It was not fun. We only got to go on two rides and went in one haunted house. That was not worth $20 in my opinion. BUT, on the way there, I get a text from Mr. T asking me what I'm doing Saturday night.
Me: Well, I'm at school until 7.
Him: Wanna hang out?
Me: What are we going to do?
Him: Movies?
Me: What movie?
Him: U pick
That's pretty much where I ended it last night. This morning, I saw I had a missed call from him at like, 9:30. I didn't get up until 11:30 because we were out so late. But he called me again around noonish and he's like, "Do you want to just do something tonight instead?" And I'm like, "Well, I'd have to be home early you know because I have school." And he said that'd be fine, stressing to me that "we don't have to hang out if I didn't want to". It was just like him. So he's telling me we'll go to the movies by his place. He actually asked if he should pick me up, but I told him I'd meet him there. Then he said something about going to eat too. He said for me to look at what's playing and let him know, but he did not want to see any chick-flicks. The theater by his place is smaller and doesn't have as many movies as what's closer to me. The only movie playing there that I'd want to see is "Couples' Retreat", which is totally a chick-flick date-movie. So I told him that. And he said, "That's okay with me." I asked him what exactly his intentions were. Well, not in those words. He tells me he just wants to hang out because he hasn't been out in a long time. He said it wouldn't be "weird". Or maybe he said he hoped it wouldn't be weird. I don't know. It feels weird to me already. It's going to be so incredibly hard to be out with him in public and not act like a total bitch to him. He was such a jerk to me. I don't want to go back to that. I don't want to be with someone who thinks everything I say, and do and believe in and love is retarded because he doesn't feel the same way about it. He partied all the time - got stoned and drunk on a daily, and I mean daily basis. Never had any time for me. Only ever wanted to see me when he was horny. Completely selfish and uncaring. I don't want to deal with that anymore! I want a real relationship. I want a marriage and a home and a life. A family. A career. I want to feel like I'm important to someone because they are important to me. I want to pursue things that make me happy instead of giving up everything in order to make someone else happy. I want a life. I want a love. And what's turning this into drama is that Duane and I have a non-date Sunday. How the hell am I supposed to hang out with this guy without thinking about Mr. T? And am I supposed to tell Mr. T that I have a date this weekend? Am I not supposed to bring it up? I have no idea what the proper etiquette is for hanging out with your ex. And I really would like to know why he chose now to decide he wants to see me. Marcy said I need to let him know straight up that I do not want to get back together with him. Do not want to fuck. Nothing of the sort. Maybe a casual hang out every couple of months thing, but nothing more. I mean, how the hell is he supposed to get over me if we hang out? God, this is a bad idea. Why did I tell him I'd hang out with him? He is so going to turn this into "I want you back", bull shit that I can't deal with right now. No. I don't want him back. He had 7 fucking years to do something about it. And all he did was think about himself in those 7 years. I didn't want to put up with that anymore, that's why I ended it. No, not a good idea at all. But I will see him tonight just because I want him to see how awesome I look and how great my life is without him. Jerk.

current mood:

bitchy

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

7:56 pm - Deleted

I had a nice cry today. Mostly asking out loud why I'm so fucked up. Trying to figure out where in my life I went wrong and it all went downhill. And who should text me in the middle of it? Duane. It made me feel a little better. I feel better now. Not to say I'm still not wondering what's wrong with me though. But me and Duane have a date. Well, no, not a date. We're just "hanging out". I don't want to call it a date. Unless it goes well. Then we can go on a date. We decided we're going to eat at Olive Garden, then go to this bar for drinks. Sounds really good to me. I don't really know what sort of things to do on non-dates. It was his idea actually. We're doing that on Sunday. I asked him what time he wanted to do this, but he never responded. I also, really stupidly texted Jason this afternoon. I know, I am a friggin' idiot. I asked him if he wanted to do something this weekend. He didn't respond. Big surprise. So, I decided to delete his number from my phone. I can't keep doing this to myself. I knew he wasn't going to respond. And I can't keep his phone number, otherwise I'll keep doing stupid shit like this, and becoming a complete basket case when he ignores me. I'm not even sure I want to go to him for my next tattoo. I mean, I'd love to have a permanent tattoo artist, but not one that I am obsessed over and freak out when he doesn't respond to a text. Ugh. Oh, and what made me text him was, I was on POF today, and I stumbled upon this guy's profile, and he looked just freaking like Jason. Only he lived a couple hundred miles away. And he was slightly older. So after seeing that, of course I got to thinking about Jason. WHY AM I SO HUNG UP ON THAT GUY?! I need to get over him. It should be pretty easy now, seeing as how I can't text him anymore. I came up with a pro and con list of Jason and Duane the other day. I used to do that all the time in high school. I had like, 1 pro for Jason, and 1 con for Duane. It should have been pretty clear cut after that. But no. Obviously, cause here I am still. Grr.
Ok, so tomorrow I have services to give! Oh, and after school, Marcy me, Corine and her boyfriend are going to Howl-o-Scream. That should be really fun. We will have a fantastic time. Yay! Ok, for some reason I am totally beat. I have to study some more procedures, then I'm going to bed. PEACE!

current mood:

gloomy

3:15 pm

I feel like it's just not going to happen for me. I've really been trying to keep a positive attitude about not having a man. And I'm trying to convince myself that it's because I'm supposed to be alone at this point in my life. But there is something going on in my body. Like, my body knows that I'm getting older and now is not the time to take pro-creating for granted. I swear to God, everywhere I go, I find a guy I think is cute. Last weekend at Walmart for crying out loud. My mom and I went shopping and I see this guy I'm totally attracted to, even though he's walking around the store with his wife or girlfriend. Some significant other. It's like, I'm on the prowl, and I don't mean to be! I turned to stupid TLC this morning and was watching A Baby Story and these people were talking about "Oh, we've been in love since high school," and having babies. I'm like, "Shut the hell up. Why are you bragging about this? Does it not occur to you that it hurts some peoples' feelings?" I start crying because I feel totally hopeless. I started eating again. Well, eating bad food, and I've gained like 2 pounds from it! It's like, I'm giving up on finding someone. I haven't even been single for 6 months yet, but it feels hopeless. I'm too old to start this dating nonsense all over again. I want fucking 7 years back. I want those 7 years back that I wasted on you, you bastard. God dammit.

current mood: hopeless

Sunday, October 25th, 2009

11:21 am - "Yeah, I saw it..."

I had a really long text-conversation with Duane last night. Marcy and I hung out for a little while at this bar that some girls from school go to after class yesterday. But I wasn't feeling it for some reason. So I asked if Marcy wanted to head over to Olive Garden, since that is totes our place, and she's like, "Yeah!" So we went. I looked at my phone on the way there and saw that Duane had asked me what was going on. And it sort of just went from there. But, while at Olive Garden we had this waiter that we had previously had, and he's pretty cute. And I was really flirting with him, even though I know he has a woman, because last time we saw him walk out of the restaurant with this girl and they seemed pretty friendly. But I was still flirting. I'm talking to Marcy and I'm like, "Did you see me flirting with him?" And she's like, "Yeah, I saw it. The people at the restaurant two blocks down the road saw it." It was great. And the upside to flirting with him, he told us we didn't have to pay for our meals. That was amazing. I was totally shocked by that. I left him a big fat tip though. I've discovered that I really like to flirt. It's so much fun. I never really flirted before when I was with Mr. T. Well, you can't really flirt when you have a boyfriend. But single people can flirt all they want. Anyway, while at the restaurant, I convinced Marcy to drive over to see this guy she's been talking to on POF. He lives a good 45 minutes away. What's really funny is that his name is Shane. We were joking that we should go on a double date with Shane and Duane. It would be even better if my name was Darcy. So we went over to see him, and on the way Duane called me and we talked for a little while. It was awesome. He seems like such a great guy. I asked him if he wanted to hang out some time this week. Don't know what we could do, but I'd like to meet him sooner rather than later. I don't want to develop "feelings" for him without even meeting him, like caveman. I've been really horny lately, so I'm having all these fantasies, and last night I imagined me making out with Duane with caveman watching. But not because it would be a turn on. I like, want caveman to see that he was never a big thing to me, and that I can move on that easily, and also kind of like saying, "Yeah, don't you wish you could have made out with me." I don't have any idea where that fantasy came from. It's quite bitchy of me to think like that. I know I broke his heart, but I don't know why I feel the need to rub his face in the fact that I was not attracted to him ever and can move on to someone so quickly. Hmm. Surely there must be some psychological reason for that.
OH. So, yesterday at school I was supposed to be on dispense. And I was, for a little while. But this one girl suddenly got appointments and she couldn't give services for whatever reason, so I had to instead. I was so freaked out about that. I was not prepared. My first was a 90 minute facial. It went really well actually. The lady was super nice, and she even booked a massage with me next week! Then later after lunch I had to give a Caribbean body treatment, and I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off. It was a total shock, and for some reason I could not remember any of it. But luckily the lady had never had one before, so she didn't know what I was doing wrong. She said she actually liked it. Then we got our tips at the end of the night. I got $16 bucks! All from the first lady. Not too bad for having 2 services in the day. This one girl in my class got like $50! It's good to know, if our books are full we can make that much in tips a day. Or "student donations", as they're called. It wasn't all that scary though. I was so nervous on Thursday, even though I didn't have any guests at all. But it's like, you just act like you know what's going on and you know what you're doing, even if you don't. People can't tell the difference. And I felt so good doing it too. Like, it's what I'm supposed to be doing. It made me feel so good. I've finally found my calling!
So that's about all. Flirting is super fun, and it looks like I've found the right career for me! Peace!

current mood:

sleepy
current music: All American Rejects - Last Song

Friday, October 23rd, 2009

11:19 am

Well, we had our first day on clinic yesterday. I was expecting to be in a room, but no. I was on "nail 2". There are 2 nail positions. And neither of us had any appointments. Well, we're in nail until the afternoon, then we're up front trying to convince people to let us give them a free chair massage or stupid chakra sensory journey while they wait for their appointment. You'd think "Free massage!" would be enough for anyone, but no, some people just weren't buying it. It was such a LONG day! Tomorrow I'm on "dispense", and they are like, the person that gets stuck doing all the laundry, getting everyone's towels, cleaning dishes, helping to flip rooms. I'm going to be busy with that. I'm a little relieved though that I'm not giving services just yet. At least I'll have the weekend to go over it because Thursday I'm in room 1, out of 10. I'll have 10 days in a row where I'll be in the rooms. All in all though, it was a great day. I feel so much closer to my classmates already. Oh, and we had 2 girls from class not show up at all yesterday. The 2 people we all knew were not going to make it through the program anyway. Oddly enough, two of the youngest people in class. Well, one is the youngest. We don't expect they'll be back either. You can tell it's not something they are passionate about. It's okay. We'll do better without them. We are a pretty strong group right now. Don't need anyone holding us back. It seems unreal that the program is halfway through already. In four short months it will all be over. I am going to miss those girls...Ok, I need to stop before I start crying!
So, the Jason thing obviously didn't work out. But I got that message from Duane Wednesday, and I wrote him back. I told myself, "If he responds, I'm gong to ask if he wants to hang out finally." He responded, and he gave me his number! So, that night I drove to the beach and called him up. I wasn't really in the mood to talk though, for some reason. I felt weird all day. I figured maybe he picked up on that because we only talked for like, 15 minutes, then he said he was going to eat dinner and he'd call me back. Well, he didn't call me back. I didn't know how to feel. The "old me" would have been extremely upset by it all and tried to crawl in a hole and die. Dissed by two guys in one week. I did feel quite rejected though. After school yesterday, I went out with some girls from class for a drink. I had left my phone and purse in the car, so I stopped there first, and saw that Duane left me a message saying, "Good morning! Hope you have a good day at school!" So....I guess he must have forgotten that he said he'd call back? I guess that happens. I was like, "Oh, ok....maybe he's not a total jerk then." I didn't want to text him back late though, so I waited until today. I told him to give me a call later tonight, and he said he would. I think I'll ask if he'd like to meet this weekend. I'm thinking Sunday, since we both have that day off. But I have no idea what we'll do. I can't remember the last time I was on an official date. Come to think of it... I don't know if I've ever been on an official date! I was talking to Marcy, who had yet another date the other night (and last night for that matter) and asked what they did. She said they went to the beach at night, then they went to his apartment and made out. I'm thinking, that may not be the best idea for me. I'd like to move slowly. Well, I'd like to, but God knows I'm really lonely for a man at the moment, and I'll try my best to be good, but who knows! Something that kind of weirds me out about Duane though... he has a sort of close relationship with his sister-in-law. He lives with her and his brother, and when I called the other night, he was talking with her in the background about what movie they were going to watch. He's like, "Yeah, I guess we're having movie night in my bedroom tonight, cause she's trying to seduce me!" And I'm like, "Uh....." Then he's asking me what movies I like and we were talking about that new Vince Vaughn movie and I'm like, "Oh I don't really like him," and he was like, "Oh you don't like Vince Vaughn?" And I hear his sister-in-law in the background say that she was going to punch me in the throat because I don't like him. I'm like, "Really? Really?! How incredibly reasonable and totally sane that is." Well, I didn't say that, but I was sure thinking it. And they have like a "date" every Sunday morning - they go to the movies. He didn't say anything about his brother going with them. Just the two of them. Yeah, it's a little strange to say the least. I think it is anyway. If we started dating, I fear I'll have to deal with a psycho sister-in-law. Most times it's the guys' mom, but no. Not this time. It's weird. But he seems like a really nice guy. I don't know. I guess I'll have to see how that goes. Ok. I'm going now. Peace!

current mood:

tired
current music: Learn to be Still - The Eagles

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

1:58 pm - I am awesome

I think, or I know rather, I was rejected. Stood up. Dissed. However you want to call it. Jason and I did make actual plans to hang out yesterday night. I wasn't dreaming, we did actually make plans. On Monday, as I was leaving, he's like, "Text me later". So, I did. Around 6:30 Monday evening I texted him with, "Hey Jason. Do you still feel like hanging out tomorrow?" I didn't get a response. Since. I felt so totally rejected later that night, I went to the beach, sat on a bench over looking the blackness and just stared. I wanted to cry really bad. It hit me that I hadn't cried in weeks actually. I teared up a bit, but no rolling tears. The beach at night is very therapeutic. I asked God what the hell was going on. Why couldn't I just be happy finally? No answer. At school yesterday, I was sad. I told a few people about my terrible experience. I decided to text him again with, "Hey, do you want to do something tonight? Cause if not, I'm going to make other plans." Still, nothing. I was so very upset by it all. It was really getting to me. I'm thinking, "How am I supposed to deal with this when I'm going on the floor Thursday? How am I supposed to give a decent service with this on my mind?" Then I talked to Pam, and she totally changed my perspective. She told me it obviously wasn't meant to be, otherwise it would happen. And not to waste my time and energy on someone that disrespects me like that. I don't have to put up with that. Me and Pam and Marcy went to dinner last night and talked for hours. I didn't get home until 12:30. But, it was amazing. Pam has so much self-confidence and she's so sure of herself. I really want to be more like her. I asked her how she got to be that way, she's like, "Jesus!" She's "spiritual", or religious as some might call it. I figured God was ignoring me like everyone else Monday night when I didn't get any sort of answer. I talk to Pam and now everything is just great. I feel totally fine! I was way obsessed with this guy who I knew deep down was not good for me. And he's obviously showed it by ignoring me and disrespecting me. I don't need to give him a second thought. I don't want someone who would treat me that way anyways. I deserve so much better. What's really great is, I'm saying this, but I actually believe it too! That's never happened. Oh, and I was all sad because that guy Duane like, ditched me too, or so I thought cause I hadn't heard from him in awhile. I go on to POF last night and he left me a message, saying he was out of town on the weekend and has been busy. But he did message me! I think I might ask him if he wants to hang out on Sunday. And if that goes well maybe invite him to Howl-o-Scream next Thursday with me. See... He's a good guy. But I'm a little concerned. Pam said I was alone at this point in my life for a reason. And it's most likely so I can grow and know myself and become independent. But I'm so freaking concerned with getting a boyfriend. I have to love and respect myself before I can expect anyone else to. And I'm starting that, for sure. I've never been my biggest fan. But I'm starting to change. I know I am an awesome person. I am funny, I am smart, I am pretty. I can get what I want because I'm putting my mind to it. I'm not going to be wishy washy anymore. I want to be my own person and will work hard to get that. I am a person worth respecting, worth getting to know, worth loving. I am me, and I am the greatest!

current mood:

optimistic
current music: Click Flash - Ciara

Monday, October 19th, 2009

4:15 pm - Jason + me = friends with benefits?

I have been tossing that idea around all afternoon. I figured he is too young to want a relationship, but I still found him sexy as hell and want him super bad. Maybe it was something to consider, I told myself. But I've been thinking about it, and I just don't think I'm that kind of girl. It wouldn't be hard to sleep with him, but it would be hard to not fall for him. And besides, I really do want a boyfriend/relationship. I don't need to go to that level and compromise what I'm truly after just for some sexual relief. Though God knows I need it. But I will ask if he wants to hang out. There's no harm in getting to know him.

current mood:

hopeful

12:48 pm

So, he didn't greet me quite as warmly today as he did Friday. In fact, when he saw me he was like, "Oh, I forgot you were coming in today." I'm thinking, hmm, that's not a good sign. But he touched up my tats and we talked a bit. I found out his age. Get this - he's 22. Yeah. I was right on the button with that. Actually, he'll be turning 23 next month. But I'm turning 28 in January. So, that is quite an age difference. Why do I like younger men? It's not like I do it on purpose. I like a guy, then I find out his age. And usually that's not enough to deter me. But we we did sort of make plans to hang out. He even said he'd come over to see me, rather than me going to see him, since it is a good 30-45 minute drive. We said we may do something tomorrow night. I'm trying to ask him what he likes to do to figure out what we can do, but he's like, "I don't really have time to do much anymore." So, that was no help. I don't ever do anything either. I have no idea what he's in to. I can come up with like, the arcade, or putt putt golf, but then I don't know if he'd think that's immature. So I was thinking of like, dinner and a walk on the beach. But that's a little more grown up and romantic type of date. What is something fun to do around here at night for adults? I was asking him what we could do and he's like, "It'll involve duct tape, some honey, ice cubes..." I sort of playfully hit him with my purse. I'm still way attracted to him. But I feel a little more comfortable making it a strictly physical thing than I did before, simply because of the age difference. He's not looking to settle down at that age. And I'm not about to wait around until he does, like I did with Mr. T. I wouldn't mind hooking up, but I don't want to come across as a slut. Which I would if we did that. But I have a new perspective on this thing now. I'm still like, mad attracted to him. But he's so young. Too young to have a serious relationship with. Which is a little disappointing. But I'd still like to hang out with him because he does seem like a cool guy. Who knows? Maybe we can be friends or something. And he can continue to give me good deals on my tattoos. Hehehe. Poop. Oh, and I figured I'd fall back on Duane, but he hasn't messaged me since Wednesday! He's like, disappeared. It's a little messed up. So, I figured out, I just spent $20 that I don't really have right now, just to see Jason today. I did the whole, "So are you gonna take me to lunch?" thing, but he's like, "I wish I could, but I have a guest", or client, whatever the word he used was. And the guy was dropping mad money on this tattoo, so, he couldn't ditch for lunch with me. Maybe if I just play it casual and cool, I'll end up making him crazy for me. Hmm. So, to conclude, my Jason day turned out to be a bit of a disappointment, but I still like him because he's sexy. Back to the drawing board!

current mood:

disappointed