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Blurty for Val.
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| Thursday, August 12th, 2004 |
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| why is everything messing up now?......it was all going so great....now everything is beginning to suck...so...i got a new car...woohoo...but i'm still pretty upset...seems like i'm the only one in oklahoma with nothing going on in my life...so i'm beginning to rethink my future plans...as in, i want to go back to savannah........oh well...i am just really beginning to hate this place...and alot of the people...damn...i thought i could actually put up with yukon...but it seems i really can't...not for much longer anyways...eventually i'll snap........these people think i'm the harmless quiet fat girl...hells no...i'm the one who gets pissed off and ends up ruining peoples' lives and making other paranoid...one of these days when i have nothing to lose i swear...... | ||||||
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| why is everything messing up now?......it was all going so great....now everything is beginning to suck...so...i got a new car...woohoo...but i'm still pretty upset...seems like i'm the only one in oklahoma with nothing going on in my life...so i'm beginning to rethink my future plans...as in, i want to go back to savannah........oh well...i am just really beginning to hate this place...and alot of the people...damn...i thought i could actually put up with yukon...but it seems i really can't...not for much longer anyways...eventually i'll snap........these people think i'm the harmless quiet fat girl...hells no...i'm the one who gets pissed off and ends up ruining peoples' lives and making other paranoid...one of these days when i have nothing to lose i swear...... | ||||||
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| Tuesday, July 6th, 2004 |
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| haven't updated for awhile...story and i pulled a couple up all nighters...it was great...we stayed out but jim knew and all so it was good...i went to china, came back, not typing about all that...and now i'm here...pissed off at rick...for being such a FNBLAberyjt05464^@$&46b7!! ok...he went way over the line earlier by saying things i am not into...like "Go fuck andrew" that pissed me off right there...if i ever see him again, i am going to kill him... | ||||
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| Monday, June 7th, 2004 |
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| it took forever to sleep because i was not very happy and i was scared, lonely, and going insane, i had to take nyquil to sleep...then i get woken up by a thunderstorm and then have dreams i really don't care about...i really wish i never had them...this one person and i were carrying ronal reagans casket and we kept dropping it and ikept laughing everytime i did...it would have been funny in reality as well...lol...anyways...then suddenly, i'm back at my house in oklahoma and mike is staying over...(for those of you that don't know, mike is a friend of mine that i've known for...about 3 years almost...) and he ends up taking advantage of me and i tried fightiong him off but couldn't...so that part of my dream really sucked...then i woke up scared and shaking...for a moment i had trouble trying to figure out if that was my dream or reality i was so out of it...then the cell phone rings...that scared me...and then i go back to sleep and get up at 11...so that works...but i did not like that dream and i am awaiting story's call so we can go do something...my street name is Chili Pepper...lol...i represent the east side...lmao...meh...i know how all that works...being an ex-dealer and all that crap...i'm trying to figure out why i had fun soing that but i was always nervous...and story is on her way...WOOOO! | ||||||||
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| Sunday, June 6th, 2004 |
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| meh...today i was bored a majority of...so i decided to take some stacker 2s and got all hyper and happy and decided to clean this computer room which is absolutly filthy and put a computer together after making my bed and putting my suitcase away...thats how bored i was and it took up a couple hours of my time...it looks like its going to storm out so i'm good...i got some movies...all violent and "scary"...though nothing in movies scare me anymore except the reality ones...oh well...i'm really pissed right now because everyone is deciding to be assholes to me and i am coming down from a happiness of stacker 2 heavan and i get violent if people piss me off, thank god i'm alone here...and that i get the house to myself again tonight...grrrrr, i hate everyone right now...i have got to get back to savannah where my real friends are...need the Anna and dale and john more than anything right now...my arm itches where i stabbed it again with my saftey pin...i love how i used to do that all the time last year...that was always fun to do and very time consuming...lol...anyways, peace, fuckers | ||||||||
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| Saturday, June 5th, 2004 |
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| hahaha, i got to drive jims truck and i am no good at it...this is so funny...i am drunk and happy too...heheheee...i love me sometimes...lolololol...other days i wonder why i exist...BWAHAHAHAAAAA...i got beef jerky too...yummy...so no one but me here tonight...and one of andrew's brothers spyed on a conversation...GAHHH...ok...lol...we're good...i heard taht i started drinking more...i'm done... | ||||||
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| i hate it when people ask how i feel about things...i do good not showing my true emotion and all that...when i do let people know, they get all pissed off and upset at me...oh well...and its not my fault nothing seems to bother me anymore, after what i went through in the 9th grade and previous years and all that shit, you will understand better...however, i do show compassion, i was willing to help someone kill themself today, but i didn't because i felt bad for them...and i didn't even know them...but oh well...no one really knows me and no one cares enough to try to get to know me so why do i bother myself with friends and social activities? this small minded town will get me no where and i'm in texas as of right now...no one here knows me any more either...and i feel like running away...but the only place i have to go is savannah, there, a few people know me and will take me in and i could get a job and all that great stuff...people want me to return and i didn't think i was that important to anyone and that move has really killed me...thing is, i no longer feel strong emotion...lalalalala...things just got better ish but i'm about to go to walmart...need alcholic beverages...lol...LMAO...ok, no...gotta go to wally world...finish lata... | ||||
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| Friday, June 4th, 2004 |
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| at 2 am last night, i broke down and started crying...and at the moment, i feel like i am about to do it again...i need someone i can actually trust to talk to and thats just not going to happen because everyone sucks right now...i got up early just to go to the mall and see harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban...they should just stop trying to make those movies...they cut too much out, its good and all but they cut way too much out of the movie...but oh well...then i got my glasses fixed up...and came home for a while, dyed my hair flaming red...left again, went to walmart, actually conversed with mr. jesus, and now i'm here...woop dee fuckin doo...i hate i hate i hate right now...i got to drive...fun...stupidness...nothing else real interesting happened...i feel really bad right now...i have no idea why...oh well... | ||||
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| Thursday, June 3rd, 2004 |
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| wooooo! i get to go see harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban tomorrow!! woop woop!...and it feels like afternoon even though its 11...word...oh well,,,i am not ready for bed but shall try to sleep and attempt to get up at 8 am so i can talk to certain people who have requested that i go to bed at a decent hour and get up at a decent hour...*cough andrew cough*...anywho...hehehee...i want to go drive somewhere because i'm bored..........MCL | ||||||||
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hmmm...i just got out of the bath and my legs are shaved...lol...thought you people should know...and here is a song that i'm rather fond of...its by Rammstein...i like...i am going to texas on saturday...thats cool and i should get a Rammstein CD before then or something...anywho...i'm going to go read a book or play the Sims now, MCL...(Much Clown Love for those of you who don't know...) Nebel (Mist) Sie stehen eng umschlungen ein Fleischgemisch so reich an Tagen wo das Meer das Land berührt will sie ihm die Wahrheit sagen Doch ihre Worte frisst der Wind wo das Meer zu Ende ist hält sie zitternd seine Hand und hat ihn auf die Stirn geküsst sie trägt den Abend in der Brust und weiß dass sie verleben muss sie legt den Kopf in seinen Schoß und bittet einen letzten Kuss und dann hat er sie geküsst wo das Meer zu Ende ist ihre Lippen schwach und blass und seine Augen werden nass Der letzte Kuss ist so lang her der letzte Kuss er erinnert sich nicht mehr |
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| at this moment, its taking all of my control to keep from crying and screaming at people for existing...i got up at 11:45 this morning...no one was home again...that was good...but i was bored...so i listened to Rammstein and all that...i learned two words in German in doing so, lol...Laichzeit (spawning time) and Nebel (mist)...lalalalalalalalaaaaa...i'm done...nothing else entertaining happened... | ||||||
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| Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004 |
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| i didn't get the sleep i had wanted...about 7 hours...it was stupid..but then i got up and cleaned the house for a few hours since no one was home to get in my way...rick called twice...>.<...he pisses me off sometimes...he calls and all that even though he says he has a girl friend...good for him...i thought that maybe he would have left me alone by now but i think its his final attempt to get me to like him or something gay...and he won't shut up...i hate him...oh well...life sucks, shit happens, life goes on except for those who can't handle anything stressful...anyways. i'm tired but i won't go to sleep...and i figured something out that i found out back in december...i am not talkative on the phone...i rediscovered that today...i feel kind of bad though...oh well. heh, get me off campus and hanging out somewhere, i don't shut up once you get me talking...the weather was nice when it was dark...but the temp. dropped 20 degrees in like...2 minutes...it was weird...2 more weeks until i go to china...woohoo...too bad i can't meet up with my friend again but oh well...i'm done...nothing else really to say... | ||||||||
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Those words they ring in my head as if spoken...i hate it...but i love it...but i hate it...i don't know...i actually feel like i'm worth something...i haven't felt that way since february... tonight, every tear that fell, i knew i was drawn deeper into my own hell, with my fear of watching you die every night, then awaken scared but freed from my mind and look out at the moon's burning light, i left something so great, and laugh happy as ever like its never too late, but it is and they are all crying, and i feel myself dieing. did i have to leave? yes, there is no more room to grieve. i shove all this to the back of my mind, but miss my next opportunity thats a one of a kind. |
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| Tuesday, June 1st, 2004 |
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| i finally got my learners permit for driving...and made a friend that i'll never see again...i have no idea who he was but i made him smile for his picture and it was funny...that was the entertainment, we waited for about 2 hours, and everytime someone walked in, everyone got quiet...i said something about that and made some people laugh...it was interesting...ok...rick called...joy...no...AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! HANG UP THE PHONE RICK!!! DON'T CALL ME UNLESS I SAY ITS OK...WHICH I PROBABLY WON'T SAY SO...AHHHHHHHHH!!! HE NEEDS TO DIE NEEDS TO SHUT UP NEEDS TO NEVER CALL AGAIN...i'm done...ta | ||||||
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| Monday, May 31st, 2004 |
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| i am going to give the topics random names now...so, either i am feeling a little more optimistic than usual or this is false optimism...can i go back to december? i would love that...or maybe i would hate it because if i went back in time i would know the outcome of events and would dread that day...meh, oh well...its monday and mondays are usually ok for me...i got to texas next weekend and i'll get some pants that i have no business getting, south pole, while i'm there...and i'll probably get shot on the north side so it all works out, as long as i get shot after coming back from china...not before...why the hell am i talking to an online journal? is it going to respond? the only reason i'm doing this is so i get to complain to an inadimate object and it won't get pissed off at me...i'm trying to stop cussing as much as i do but i was raised in a ghetto city and thats everyday life, even the prettiest preppies that you people think are oh so innocent cuss and smoke pot and i only smoked it 4 times so i guess thats ok, it was over a year ago...over a year, one month and quite a few days...and i don't intend on doing that again...it was stupid...really stupid...it sucked too...i'd rahter have an insanity attack...i'm done...ta MCL | ||||||
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| Sunday, May 30th, 2004 |
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| why? oh well...tomorrow isn't sunday and maybe...wtf??? i forgot what day it is...ok, it is sunday...i'm losing it...oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god...i'm so lost...oh well...>.<...i'm going insane in a bad way...oh well....life sucks, what can you do? KILL PEOPLE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!! | ||||
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| some days i really hate me...oh well...my day went from good to really...shitty...oh well...long walk when its dark will fix that...i guess...who cares? rick is a dumbass, he points east and says its west even though the sun was setting...that says something...he's stupid...oh well...i'm done, whatever...why does every sunday suck? | ||||||||
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Blurty for Val.
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depressed.
irate.
discontent.
drunk.
cynical.
distressed.
content.
sad.
lazy.
contemplative.
chipper.
scared.