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profile poem [20 Jan 2006|06:44pm] I could stand behind a lyric, I could strand behind a prose I could put a link up for some website, that I rarely go to and want to expose I could tell you fact, that you may misinterpret...and what would be the point of that? Maybe a story would do the trick, or maybe a number you know, whore myself some more. This could be more colorful, but that may hurt your eyes...I haven't yet figured out how to digitalize a suset fading into a night sky If you couldn't already tell, what some of you may know lately I just find myself in a state of woe. <------lack of word. post comment

one step closer to being a crazy cat lady [07 Nov 2005|12:28pm] [ mood | sneezy ] [ music | the juliana theory ] i'm not sure what's on my mind. i know i feel like i need to clear it, but i'm not sure what i'm clearing. i was told to lay down in the parking lot of my work and just look at the stars. i envisioned a tornado of what my walking-waking world consists of, conversations with people, work, situations...and i envisioned them being sucked out of me and i layed there existing as nothing but a granual of sand to the universe. i pondered further and wondered if it was staring into the infinate abyss that brought that tranquility upon me, or if it was me laying down, with gravity evenly distributed upon my body that engaged this zen-like state. i chopped ties with the other, again, because im not there. there's no passion there, and i feel like we are a habit. right now i need to do me things, ....like i always will. fenton came to visit me, and he says im impossible. he could be right. i dont look for you, mr filmmaker that will bring out aspects of me that i cant even sense when i am alone...and challange me, but - are you coming? or perhaps i wil be like my mother, the crazy cat lady. post comment

profile [02 Oct 2005|10:09pm] walking in a haze of invisible hands, gravity being the only one on which we equally stand breathing in recycled breaths and feeling the cycling of every thought sleep being the vacational pause in this rotation of wrongly accused flaws 'cause all in all you cant bash cause and you find the sky is the limit but will there be enough oxygen when you get there? or will you be free falling off a ladder of pride greiving your pointless ride youll find the only humble abode will be found on the destination...the road. post comment

migrate or mutate? [14 Sep 2005|03:05pm] We were having a discussion in my Social Science class...mostly talking about different forms of marriage, and somehow we drifted off on communities and specific cultural settings that have married within their blood line the past. I started to wonder....i'l just start from the beggining. Ok, here it goes. Society doesn't accept particular sexual behaviors. One of which is incest. In an incestful relationship one is having sexual contact with somone in their family; blood, marriage related, or adopted. Although it may not be socially accepted, this act still happens. The result from incest can be DNA mutation, and child retardation because of similar DNA mixing and forming disorders. There was this documentary on a tribe in Africa that only would allow members of its tribe to mingle with each other. No one could go out, or come in the tribe. After time, everyone was related in one way or another...and their obscure genetic mutation was only have 2 toes on each foot. It made me wonder one thing. What prevents that from happening now? What prevents us from being able to have a society with not mixing bloodlines? It's our ability to travel, to migrate. To mix heritages, move around, my foot, bus, train, plane, horse...whatever it may be. But what if we had not developed transportation and we were self-sufficient societies? Were we as humans meant to migrate? Or were we meant to mutate? Are some "developed adaptations" really mutations? Had humans not had the desire to discover, and desire to travel....would we just be mutations? As of now we have an understanding of human desire to be to conquer one task, then move onto the next. Ok, basic survival and food, check. communication, check. society working together to accomplish larger tasks, check. Hmm maybe some self fufillment now since I have all my basic needs taken care of. ok, religion, check. Perhaps had we not advanced ourselves that much... we would be mutant creatures. ? I don't take a particular stance, just pondering a controversial debate...kinda like nature nurture. hmmm. post comment

you're not paper [11 Aug 2005|01:09am] this isn't something i'd normally post on my little online newspaper. i'm not in a rut, this isn't "depression". nothings wrong with me because im not in a euphoric state of happiness, i'm in a seeking state of my "reality" which often times tends to be confused with an illusion of theories. i want to be alone more so i can elaborate on my mental paths without being pulled by some pathway of culture or standards which tend to happen with any human interaction. i want to be in outerspace and forget what i know of "i" and explore. I want to travel back in the lapsed circle of emotion to the point of none and revisit the realization of there being no point in a circular sprial. a coiled circle is the best shape, yet ive never seen it in sheer nature. my paintings are exploiting meaning as i explain them more. like the one that really to me has only conveyed one meaning, about destruction being light....where the little boy and his guardian figure are surrounded by flames but that's what illuminates the picture. the foreground itself delt with the dependency of the figures around you when you're young. somtimes i just feel ike screaming because explaining it doesn't make sense, like i want to make up this language that captures different feelings....i guess at times that can be music or colors on paper, but dammit...i want to develop a language. wanting...heh. how silly. simplicity can be the greatest complexity in the realization that elaboration only takes particular directions... and when complete, whole is empty. 1 comment|post comment

[07 Jul 2005|04:33pm] NAME CHANGE Mozilla. like the web browser...i know. but it is called mozilla firefox, and he looks liek a firefox. reason? he acts liek godzilla, and attacks his own feet. and im not going to call him god for short, though that would be so egyptian, so it iwll be lil mo. MOZILLA ATTACKS! 1 comment|post comment

Drumroll please... [05 Jul 2005|04:23pm] [ music | mario ] And we shall call him.... INDIE! Like...independence! and india. and we can call him...indiana jones. indie! like the music. mario 1 comment|post comment

she says that love is for fools who fall behind [05 Jul 2005|04:16am] [ mood | un-_______ ] [ music | Toadies-Paper Dress ] I got a kitty! Now there will be some form of life for my apartment. ! It was one of Persek's (Laurel's cat) kitties. We're still trying to think of a name for it... it's orange and white. Julias? Corona? Man Kitty Jr? Mozilla? Indie? ... It will enjoy the beaded curtain. This 4th of July consisted of waking up, going to the mall and trying on smells, going to ashleys with kevin and playing with the kids and setting off fireworks while we were swimming , then finishing the night off with terra and kevin over at remy's. they are brutal with fireworks, and were all wasted. " yeah...whatever makes you happy, whatever makes it beautiful..."-Splendor I'm going to start babysitting for the Plumbly's. I guess they own a winery in Ocala, and have a big horse farm. They met me at Bistro and think i'd click well with Brishell( the 3 yr old girl...shes just learning how to swim!) I'm excited. I needed a little variety in what i focused my time towards. I'm getting exposed to a lot at the appleton, art/culture/people wise. It's funny...they like me because im a young volunteer and i know how to use the new computer system. It is kind of funny how mandatory we make computer mechanisms... I woulnd't be suprised if our human anatomy somehow evolved over time to compliment out usage of computers. Maybe just loose the legs and grow some finger muscles. yep. Ive gotta do my laundry. And some Spanish. Swim more, Use my telescope more. Go on a cruise...to somewhere without palm trees. Maybe Alaska, or the Med. Shadow an alternative medicine doctor, Join the peace corps.....but first and foremost must name the kitty. g'nite. ///....morning. post comment

got this struggle, floating in a bubble [13 May 2005|03:03pm] Copper pot has some kick butang desserts. I shall try every one of them before I die, that is my new life mission. Way simplier than the air force, and I dont have to cross my moral lines. I haven't told you yet- you will laugh. I want to be an astronaut, I want to travel. I'm not patriotic, but for every other reason... I want the air force. I know, its odd, me asking to become part of something that holds me and asks me to believe in their cause--not like me. but I figure you can critcize something your part of, and you can do it and avoid getting internally involved in it and take the benefits. I wont be proud of serving in the air force, or being in the military at all-- but I will love the experiance I think. I really dont wanna do it for those reasons and I'm fighting that so much. I might grow to like it, and grow a stronger appreciation for it that I am a part of it. I dont know... I'm going upto the recruiting office with becky tuesday, shes in army reserves ( I would do air force reserves ) to talk more about it. I wanted to do americorps- I would be very proud of that cause I believe in it 100%...but i just get so many more things under my belt this way...better chance at eventually going up in space to do my research psychology projects. hmmm, decisions decisions. colorado is sooon! on cinco de mayo we went to daytona- wasnt too happening at all. we were going to go to ybor city...we shouldve. oh well. colorado! got this struggle, floating in a bubble 1 comment|post comment

get your booty on the floor tonight...make my day [01 May 2005|09:45am] ...? yesterday was very tiring, but enjoyable. it was a good day for the march of dimes, nice and breezy. kevin took off his shoes after like 2 miles....trooper he is. we got lots of food and ice cream every mile though, i could walk 7 miles everyday! I wonder how much the average person walks a day...? the paddock park pool is kinda small, so is the hot tub. i wonder how big stone lakes is? im starting to get things for my apartment... but i think im going to have a party, and the admissions requirement will be a random cleaning product or pan. yay! mom would love it if i asked for tilex for my birthday... soo sleepy. I went up to the appleton yesterday and I start volunteering may 15th; i think im going to be in the cafe/gift shop. free membership and can go around and look at stuff all the time? awesome! ashally - i think you need to "do it all for the pepto." 8 comments|post comment

cause theres beauty in the breakdown. [26 Apr 2005|11:22pm] I cant do everything I want to do right now, it's too soon. But I don't feel releived, I feel like I have this cloud chugging around inside me of my own hasteful feelings, and they need to be gone; they're not me, or who I want to be. Revenge is pety, matters of the heart should be considerate. I don't like walking around day to day being the spitting portrayal of my worst nightmare, my mom. And I know, I admit, my actions mirror hers, my emotions do as well. I don't want them to, I don't want to be that person. I want to be trusted, I want to be respected and loved, and make mistakes that can be laughed about. I want to wear rose tinted glasses to see the good, to feel the good, because why not? you can perceive all aspects but why not pick the most pleasurable. I want to ignite passion, I want to feel on my own, yet able to lean on people at times, not at either extreme. I want people to forgive my faults, I want to have rebuilt bridges, maybe not cross them though, but not have the ashes from burnt ones suffocating me. I'm sick of being angry, I'm sick of being this person I'm not. I'm so sorry to any of you that had to experiance that side of me, and I thank any of you who have stuck by me. 2 comments|post comment

sometimes i need a punch in the face, sometimes i need a leg in the ass [14 Apr 2005|10:44am] [ music | Cake - Never there ( stuck in head ) ] Some days I feel like I'm growing backwards. Like yesterday I was more "grown-up" than I am today. This sort of perspective is mildly idealistic for my attitude because I feel as if the younger you are, the more pure you are, and the most likely for you to be true to yourself and follow your heart is then. I feel like im growing out of logic into emotion, insted of the other way around. I guess I've always been too overly analytical and aware for my age, but thats dwindling and I feel like I understand less, but feel so much of what I understood. Being an insider of human kind rather than an observer of its intracacies and hipocracies. Mainly I think its because I've lost focus on my mind advancing for my personal pleasure and I've found a comfort in becoming an automaton of the worlds systemazation. Oh well, what gives. WEE! My dad sent me a computer... I should be getting it today. Compaq of somekind. Laptop of somekind. Something new of somekind. Quite appreciated, but I will no longer be able to give everyone free porn. Unwillingly. I would like to be in a less technical class. Latin, Marine Bio, Alg II, ... not much freedom, mostly right or wrong, this way or that way, information information. It's funny how often the people that are the math whizz's, chem kids, ones on A-team get considered the most intelligent. Is it intelligent to be able to compute information very well, like math, grasp complex concepts that plug in various rules and what not, or have the ability to abscractly elaborate on something beautiful, which is completly individual, and upto a perception you never learn how to regulate? A response derived from a manipulative action never results in truth. " Goodbye to you..." Going to raise this B to an A, ( every point counts for that 100% scholarship! ) and Finish Marine Bio so I can start Latin, and find an apartment...with my tounge 2 comments|post comment

[10 Apr 2005|02:22am] [ music | robbed on high street ] Weeeeeeellllllllllllllllllll, the night began not so pleasantly, almost to the unpleasant point where all forces we're telling us to turn around and waste out 40$ Cake tickets or else somthign was going to explode. Jenny spilled this sticky crap all over her lap, and as we were missing the first band...she wanted to go buy new pants. I kinda saw no point in buying new pants, especially since we were late, but also because CAKE is way higher priority than WET PANTS. am I wrong? Sticky pants, should i say. and readers, dont be pervs. So we pull into this denim outlet store, run in real fast, and run out real fast. ok! we may have missed the first band, but theres one more then cake, and we're like 5 minutes away from the Venue...everythings okay. Vrrro-. Vrrrrooo. Vrrr. What? why wont the car start? wtf, mate?THE BATTERY FREAKIN DIED. okay, no biggie. just get somone to jump it. right? WRONG. in the middle of orlando, everyones a tourist, and EVERYONE has a rent-a-car...meaning NO JUMPER CABLES. fuccck! we're never going to see cake. luckily we finally got jumped, sadly, I was the only one in spirits to still go to the concert, even had it been my car, and my pants that were sticky, i wouldn't have let that be a reason to not have fun. anyways, we go, I end up being the only one watching the show while jennys in the bathroom talking to laurel ( on jenny and i's attempt to rekindle friendship and just go off and have fun....yes ) but whatever, i could have a fun concert experiance anyway. AND BOY DID I. they were amazing! awesome preformance, stage presence, and no distortion. it was like seeing a comedy skit too, the artists ( particularly the lead singer ) --soo funny. They ended with" I will survive ", being for their lack of hope for human kind. they had so much crowd interaction...they played frank sinatra, going the distance, daria, sheep go to heaven goats go to hell, building a religion ( called zeddy during that one ) oh, it was just good. work all day tomorrow, gnight 1 comment|post comment

i like tickets [07 Apr 2005|12:33pm] [ mood | groovy ] [ music | the getaway people- my colour ] especially when they are in me hand...8) Cake - 4/9 OkGo- 4/16 COLORADO!!! - May 23rd-June 1st (ish...ish) post comment

can you feel the vibration? [21 Mar 2005|10:37pm] been making necklaces all night, picked up a charm with the "Om" symbol on it, going to make a few more, but i have to pick up some clasps at the store. post comment

it still brings a smile to my face [21 Mar 2005|01:10am] 2 hours earlier than last night! been spending time @ maries a lot lately, tonight we watched " ray " ( by the way, amazing film, contentwise and production wise ) and ate lemon cake. last night marie tried to get us drunk! (kevin becky and i ) with italian almond creamcake ( like tirramasu but with armaretto instead of mocha....cept she put WAYYYYYY too much amaretto 8 P ) one bite was practially equivalent to a shot... but last night was very intriguing. marie and daniels friend melissa is doing a psychology project, and its about origins of ideas on sex, basically what conditioned your veiws and feelings about sex. she interviewd each of us on tape and we basically had to state when we were first introduced to sex, and why and how thats shaped our feelings today on it. we had a pretty kickin crowd- marie (from monte carlo, speaks french...andlike 6 other languages), andy ( south africa, speaks french as well....marie translated on tape ) a catholic school boy, me, and that was basically it. the intresting thing was everyone had been first introduced to sex by porn. funky huh? a sacred act first seen as an entertainment object. odd. i feel like going and picking up Justine, Laurel and Megan and going to a concert. I miss those days kinda. just the fact that the only thing we were really responsible to was each other, and we just goofed off. Maybe its cause i have this ataris song stuck in my head and justine and i went to that concert. who knows? off to my paper journal... so speak of less technologically advanced things, gnight computer...and all you computards. post comment

[17 Mar 2005|11:00pm] ways of expression, and being goofy and making jokes, shouldn't be so harshly judged. gossip and focusing and negativity instead of striving for a positive place isn't very highly looked upon either. i dont know if sarcasm and humor change with age, but some things are just jokes. sorry we're entertained by laughing & being silly & making "immature" comments about things, instead of by drugs or alchohol. what do you choose? experiance or bubble? post comment

what we thought would just be sex...turned out to be ORGASMIC. [11 Mar 2005|02:38pm] [ mood | bouncy ] [ music | everclear ] Reel Big Fish was ammmaaaazzzzing. highlites- * met some kids from some band, whored out their flyers....with our gum, on the walls * hated the chairs placed all over the floors...so, got rid of em'. * ran into Jake and Heather....they played body guard * crowed surfed, and hid from the security guards trying to kick me out * screaming, sweat, and involuntarily humping more than a few dozen people * sang i want your girlfriend to be mine to mike, lol * gville ale house...too much food * feeling like a dry hump whore, with everyones DNA all over me. "Never gotten so wet from dry humping before." hahaha. I've been running into him too much lately... *shrugs* they played sublime! and take on me. more concerts with mdiddy ateam and heather and jake need to happen, yeshhhh. 1 comment|post comment

Rotweillers and French soap [22 Feb 2005|10:57pm] being alone in a house again, makes me really really want to have an apartment. having music on and lights low and just knowing i dont have to walk on egg shells is comforting. being able to hide from humanity is a comfort. knowing that theres security guards outside and gates to get in makes me feel safe, though i still habitually lock the doors. my friends hate me, ive been kinda flipping out on them. i think i need to sort of revamp my principles, pranayama in sanskrit. the life force energy within the air we breathe that pulses through and animates our being (prana) in control ( yama ). maybe some yoga would help, i go tomorrow. i dont have as much to do lately, feels nice but im kindanot getting anythign done like iused to cause i always think ill have time later, time is becoming me. i bought a curious george astronaut shirt online today, making mad $ at work. cant get a hold of my brotehr to get tickets. sigh. i think ill sleep on the couch, and have music playing. maybe ill work on homework all day tomorrow, and get it stuck in my head i have a lot of it. i wonder when i work next, reel big fish is on march 10th in gainesville for 10$ , christina wants me to go to italy with her. im going to.........meditate now. timelessly. 1 comment|post comment

wal-marts always open [17 Feb 2005|12:42am] [ mood | shelled ] [ music | garden state soundtrack ] the beauty of everything seems pruned, i wish i could squeeze some ounce out of it but its just...not in my line of sight. maybe right now im just existing in the shadows of it, in the backdrop to avoid being blinded by somthing i cant intake right now. an immune system to beauty almost; though its never really been a disease. the blue lights are lit, third eye blind is playing and im under the covers. im being reclusive, i think i need to be drowning though so i can appreciate breathing again. i was too caught up in motion to really even realize what it was like to stand still and breathe. i feel like a bad friend since i have this need and ability to function without them. *sigh* can i filter you out of my dreams? post comment

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