| GWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR | ||||
| 01:03am 17/01/2004 | ||||
I hate everything that I can't have so I hate you I hate love songs and I hate lovers I hate everything that I can't have so I hate you I hate movies with happy endings Like that one I saw where all the girls were beautiful like you Like you I hate wet dreams and masturbation I hate everything that feels good like sex with you I hate flowers and little birdies Makes me wanna puke when I see something cuddily like you I'm bored with your insanity I'm too tired to smile at your stupidity You've got the very best of me fell in love push came to shove but you broke so easily I love hate songs 'bout mass destruction other people's pain takes my mind off you I love puppies when they're road-kill They're too cute too live, too cute to live like you I'm bored with immortality I'm too tired to stick it out for eternity You've got the very best of me fell in love push came to shove and you broke so easily I hate love songs I hate love so I hate you |
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exhausted| oooh business man! | |||
| 09:55pm 11/01/2004 | |||
 My, you ARE the dapper swindler, aren't you? You like to roam the earth in style and mannerly dress. After all, it's busniess as usual. p.s. you have cool hair. everyone knows it. Which Zombie Are You? brought to you by Quizilla |
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| anorexia is phat | ||||
| 06:16pm 08/01/2004 | ||||
I lay awake And I cried because of waste I’d love to (but only with you Only with you) Oh, time is gonna wipe us out There, I’ve said it loud and clear So that you will hear There’s no one in view Just you Just you And time will never wipe you out Now I’ve had enough I’ve had more than could be My rightful share Of nights I can’t bear How can it be fair ? Time must wipe them out So, again, I lay awake In a trance Oh, I just want my chance But only with you Only with you That’s all That’s all Aah |
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| grood. i mean good. i mean great. great and good. | |||
| 02:09pm 12/11/2003 | |||
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killbill-ed-it again last nite. god i hate fighting with my pa. so useless. he made maggie come inside, and then proceeded to bash me, to her! geeeeez. he makes me extremely angry. arg. i saw nikita. oh dear lord. why do i always see him when i look like asshole, and haven't showered in days!? he asked for my number again. we'll see how that goes... |
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| here's my fists, where's the fight? | ||||
| 03:57pm 16/10/2003 | ||||
i skipped my last class, and went to christines and watched the lizzie maguire movie and ate lots of candy. we wanted to keep our sanity (and now it gives us an excuse to bug jake gyllenhal boy aka matt, for notes). the rain is such a mixed blessing. it is so soothing and rejuvenating, but it sucks major ass having to walk for blocks in it. its nice to be inside, feeling all cozy and what not... i feel like a sundae right about now. one of those nice igby-sundaes. *sigh* this song makes me want to be with someone. stupid lonely rainy day. i miss romance. i wish it could frolic in and out of my life more often. well i am going to go watch family guy! yippee. t-minus 6 1/2 hours until friday. ahhh friday. such a great day. not only is it a sleep-in day, but it's a go home early day. and it is the day i have to wait six other long treacherous days for. finally, the weekend..after a measly, barely-qualifying (4-day) week of school. i'm ready for this weekend. i feel like i've earned it. it is kind of funny, like i actually have to |
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cheerful| 08:52pm 14/10/2003 | ||||
i have been thinking about what it would be like to taste shapes and hear colours. synethesia, i think it's called. i had a lucid dream last night! i was at this resort (a place i know i've been before in my dreams). i was in this cabin, and there were other teens swarming around, unfamiliar...and there was this girl..it wasn't that i had animosity towards her, i just felt the need to attack?? her. so i went into this bedroom and shut the door and i started to think about how i was having a lucid dream and i could do whatever i wanted. so i decided to hide on the ceiling...very spiderman of me. i remember floating up, as if my back was a magnet, attracted to the ceiling. it just pulled me up really fast and i watched the ground stretch away from me. it felt incredible and real. and then the girl was about to come in and i was timing myself, so i could "drop" onto her and attack?? hahaha... so tomorrow my grandma leaves back to regina. i feel torn. i'm sad and joyous. i regret how i have acted, a real brat and very dismissive of her advice. at the same time, i can't imagine putting anyone else in my shoes..no one deserves to be the victim of her verbal abuse. at times it was incredible. just incredible. she called me a fascist the other day! i felt so disrespected and violated and....responsible. she made things my fault, and it got to the point where i believed her. i am happy she's leaving. i have had no privacy for four months now. she has spent a total of eight months here, out of twelve. my self esteem bludgeoned, like with the dull end of an axe. i am anxious for this escape. but tomorrow, i'll feel sad. she won't come back here. she threatens to cry over my patheticness once she's home safe and sound. she'll call me, and we'll have fake conversations, perhaps with a hidden callousness behind both of our voices (or maybe we'll move on, like we always seem to). i feel as if i am not able to appreciate who she is and what she has done for me. i am scared that i won't get to see her again. i'm scared that i've missed an incredible opportunity to spend with her, and learn, and gain insight. i feel torn between these sides, and i don't know what to do. apologize for something? i don't know. i should go finish my assignment. |
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| the world keeps getting dumber | ||||
| 03:25pm 14/10/2003 | ||||
i have a paper due tomorrow, and have i started? nope. am i fucked? maybe. do i care? this time...yes. yes i care. i hate to see myself go this route. i put far too much presssure on myself. i don't deserve to feel this way, yet i find myself feeling pressured and panicked far too often. bah. i just keep reminding myself of my horrorscope the other day....no law saying that continuous success is neccessary. phew. thank god. sometimes having something in writing is reassuring. but anyways, enough procrastinating! naitonalism and french art await me! ta ta! |
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| 07:51pm 13/10/2003 | ||||
the night creeping up on my windows, and the moon illuminating the thick air, allowing the branches of the tall voluptuous trees to bask in this night-light...aura-like, with its pale glow. i spent so much time staring out of my window during the summer, watching the moon, and mars. with mars filling only the smallest imagineable piece of sky, it seemed to make my summer. i fell in love with the sky. as we were driving home tonight, i felt so small. small compared to everything. small compared to everyone around me. my own life felt small. i feel as if i have been washed with this new feeling. i feel the same, but something seems to be etched into my skin now...since maybe yesterday. i feel slightly optimistic, and it doesn't feel contrived or out of place. it feels right. like just the right amount of optimism. i can't seem to escape other people's expectations of me (ie: david price's. as if my learner's liscence impacts him in any possible way...)...but hearing them, doesn't phase me. i'm in my own bubble, and i feel like there is still this chance. a chance for something. and that pleases me. and just when things felt prematurely crappy....i mean, i wasn't due for this unhappiness until at least mid-novemeber (geez). for now, i think i will go mill about in my room. and perhaps i will lie on my floor. i can't be bothered to write anymore. nothing seems to ever want to come out of me...not with the ease of the past. when i asked joe what i reminded him of, and he said "dreams", i wasn't surprised, just amused. i sat in the car tonight talking to my dad about his dreams. he says they're all morbid and with violent overtones..especially since he started taking this headache medication. i asked my grandma yesterday. she said that she rarely dreams, and wouldn't remember them if she did. i have a huge fascination with dreams and dreaming; just a simple attraction to something so personal. i find it incredible how people just can sit down and talk to anyone about their dreams...something so personal, transformed into something so public. well i'm stuffed. thanksgiving dinner was much like any other (with exception of terry and catharina's visit last thanksgiving...no dinner could ever compare...). i think i ate for six people. good thing about the Healthy Plan starting tomorrow. good thing. |
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complacent| ... | ||||
| 01:43pm 13/10/2003 | ||||
that puts my mind at ease. stupid philosophy midterm. |
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awake| ho-hum | ||||
| 03:07pm 08/10/2003 | ||||
nothing feels better than a fresh laundry-smelling warm blanket. it is probably the only thing that has made me smile genuinely all day. rainy days bring so much disgust as they do comfort. being inside makes me so content. we sat in the Apple Tree Restaurant, discussing our melodramatic lives and what not. i like that. it is hard to imagine a life of happiness and fulfillment, when the opposing feelings i am experiencing now, seem inescapable. i can imagine myself blacking out, and coming to in a life that is dull. i know that i am not a person who would willingly lead a life where i am discontent. i am just afraid, that it will slip out of my control. |
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morose| if only... | ||||
| 08:16pm 06/10/2003 | ||||
she said, She touched my face, 'Let's stay out as late we we can.' Drive around the lake just a little too fast, my eyes on the lights, her hand on my shoulder Yeah, windows down wine in our heads the city lights just blur Let's go out on a dock we'll bring a bottle and a blanket. And everything, yeah, everything is going our way. Lean in to me. ***************************************************** Hey, let's cross the sea and get some culture. Red wine with every meal and absinthe after dinner. We'd look good side by side walking back to the hotel We've got to get something to eat and to drink yeah, and find a place too stay that's not far off the main way- we've got to plan our day: Rodan and the Orsay and find a way to cram it all in before we drink hard again Let's get a bottle and drink alone tonight 'This light looks good on you,' morning came early. Sitting on a park bench that's older than my country Two star hotel near St. Germain. Two star hotel where the stars don't mean anything. |
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| 04:03pm 06/10/2003 | ||||
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nixed |
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