Grumpy Bear's Blurty
 
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Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in Grumpy Bear's Blurty:

    Tuesday, October 19th, 2004
    11:04 am
    It's been a long, long time
    Well it's been a while, things have changed A LOT. I moved to Peoria to go to school. I live with my roommate, Nicki. I met my female counterpart, Stephanie, I had an amazing boyfriend, Corey, and I've basically cut myself off from all te people that I was once friends with. My scenery has changed but in all honesty...my insides have not changed. I'm still a complete wreck and depressed more than ever. Corey and I were together on and off for a month or so and I don't know what happened. We went through periods where we were good but then he'd just start to think that he didn't want to be with me and we'd break up. He'd come back a week later and we'd get back together. Everything was good. But this time I don't think that he is going to come back. I love Corey with everything in me but no matter how hard I try and no matter how hard I try to make him happy it never seems to be enough. I met Corey through Stephanie. She was friends with one of his best friends and I had met him at TJ's house, but I didn't think much of it. He didn't say anything to me and he thought I was stuck up, as I later came to find. The second time we met, we were playing frisbee golf and for some reason I just thought he was cute. I guess the ice had broken a little bit because I wasn't afraid to be myself and be a flirt. He came over with his friends later that night and we kissed. It was one of the most memorable kisses I've ever had. It was perfect. Then everyday after that we were inseperable. I thought everything was going fine, but I'm guessing by the pain that I'm in now...it wasn't going so well. I miss him so much and it hurts so bad. Crying is about the only thing I can do at this point in time. Which is pathetic because I don't cry. I have never been the kind of person to let a male get to me. No guy has ever really phased me as much as Corey. I'm talking with this guy, Kyle right now but he's so shy and well he's not Corey. I hate that I think that way, but I can't help it. It's the truth. I keep hoping that Corey will just show up at my door and want me back, but I really don't think it's going to happen. If I believed in a god then I would pray for help, but I don't so I guess I'll just keep wishing and keep letting my heart break.
    Wednesday, April 14th, 2004
    11:55 pm
    Doing Something For Myself
    It seems like all I've been doing lately is trying to be whatever a certain guy has wanted me to be but I can't do that anymore. It's not fair to me. I've got to be strong and finally do something for myself. I need to find a guy who likes me for me and isn't going to make me jump through hoops to get their attention. I'm better than that. My mom left for chicago today so once again I get to play mom for a few days. Which actually kinda sucks. But what ya gonna do? I dunno what else to say so I won't try to ramble on...

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: taking back sunday
    Thursday, April 1st, 2004
    8:30 pm
    leaning on this broken fence between past and present tense...
    I'am perfect offering...
    Need I say more? J and I finally talked. Apparently not to my delight. I don't want to be someone's sloppy seconds and I shouldn't have to be. But what can I do? I can't running back to Z. I want to be IN love with someone. It's not enough to just love them. And that's the problem with Z. I really wish I could dance right now. It's the only thing that can make me feel better. It's the only thing that has ever made me happy. Speaking of which...the girl who I made up a dance for made the Variety Show try-outs. Thank god! If she hadn't I would have seriously raised some massive hell.
    Wednesday, March 31st, 2004
    9:21 pm
    NO Subject
    Sometimes I think I'am the biggest ass in the world...right now being one of those times. I would really like to just give up on guys in general and go back to the safety of Z but if I do that then I'll feel like I'm not giving myself a chance. But then again...I'am constantly feeling a little hurt. J and I haven't talked for a week, well almost a week. It'll be a week tomorrow. And Aussie started calling me again and wants to hang out before he leaves for Puerto Rico. When he called me I was really suprised. My brother handed me my phone and I was seriously taken back by the fact that it was him. He actually sounded happy to talk to me. I dunno what the hells going on in my life anymore and I fuckin hate it. Oh well, I guess this is my payback for how selfish I was with Z. But he has Angie now so everythings cool with him. HE has Angie and I have no one. Well other then J who loves to confuse me. Well I'm going to caht with some ppl....
    Sunday, March 28th, 2004
    12:36 am
    Another Long Day
    So...Since the last time I wrote a lot has changed. I've only got one boy to confuse me now. Which I'll refer to him as simply as J. I spent some time with him and while doing so I got some answers I wanted and some I didn't want. First of all he was bein a dork so I was threatening to leave and he wasno like no...and I asked him why he wanted me to stay and with some encouraging I got his answer...he simply stated, I enjoy the pleasure of your company. Which I thought was incredibly funny and cute at the same time. When we finally got talking about "us" his only response was..."I haven't had a girlfriend in 2 years. I don't know what you expect out of a girlfriend or how'll you'll act and you don't know what I expect. I like what we have now. It's nice and I don't want to ruin the relationship that we have." All I could think about was...What relationship? As of right now...we're friends that happen to like each other. I don't exactly think that qualifies as a relationship. But I don't want to rush anything with us because I really like him and I don't want to ruin things. Besides that confusion he also totally freaked when i brought up the fact that we've basically known each other all our lives. J and I have gone to school together since kindergarten. So we've known each other since we we're 5 years old. Which I didn't get because to him it's "weird" and to me well...it's not a big deal. My other guy is out of the picture. Which i'll refer to as Aussie. After he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship he stopped calling and I didn't want him to call. This being the 2nd time he's used me up and thrown me away. Which amazes me b/c he's an amazing actor. Instead of wanting to be a rock star he should go into acting. He's very convincing. Well it's almost 1 so I'm off to bed.

    Current Mood: indifferent
    Current Music: The Vasolines-Molly's Lips
    Tuesday, March 9th, 2004
    4:39 pm
    School is School
    Nothing all that interesting happened today at school. We had "pajama" day so atleast I was comfortable. I'm supposed to go to one of the guys 's house tonight that I'm confused about so wish me luck. Hopefully tonight everything will get straightened out. I don't want to be confused anymore and frankly I don't wanna play games nor do i wanna be played with so yea. School was actually really boring today. I slipped in naps wherever I could. I'm almost done reading my book so I'm pretty excited about that. I'm trying to finish it in a week. Today is such a beautiful day... a little chilly but beautiful none the less. Brook was up at my school waiting for Kourtney when I came out and I was excited to see her at first but the I noticed Jessi was with her. How can I help her get over Jess if she isn't makin an effort herself? Next time she asks me to help her I'm just going to disregard it because no matter what I say or do she stll always goes back to her and is thats what she wants to do then she can go right ahead and do it b/c I'm not going to tell her what I think anymore about the whole situation. It's a waste of my breath...

    Current Mood: crazy
    Current Music: Beautiful-Lash
    4:39 pm
    School is School
    Nothing all that interesting happened today at school. We had "pajama" day so atleast I was comfortable. I'm supposed to go to one of the guys 's house tonight that I'm confused about so wish me luck. Hopefully tonight everything will get straightened out. I don't want to be confused anymore and frankly I don't wanna play games nor do i wanna be played with so yea. School was actually really boring today. I slipped in naps wherever I could. I'm almost done reading my book so I'm pretty excited about that. I'm trying to finish it in a week. Today is such a beautiful day... a little chilly but beautiful none the less. Brook was up at my school waiting for Kourtney when I came out and I was excited to see her at first but the I noticed Jessi was with her. How can I help her get over Jess if she isn't makin an effort herself? Next time she asks me to help her I'm just going to disregard it because no matter what I say or do she stll always goes back to her and is thats what she wants to do then she can go right ahead and do it b/c I'm not going to tell her what I think anymore about the whole situation. It's a waste of my breath...

    Current Mood: crazy
    Current Music: Beautiful-Lash
    Monday, March 8th, 2004
    3:42 pm
    A New Start
    Well, I'm Back. It's been a while since I've had a journal. Nothing too exciting happened today. I walked around school aimlessly just like I do everyday...thinking about my present situation. I've got these 2 incredibly guys that like me but I'm torn. Thus far, I think that I've made a decision but I dunno. I have to be careful with the way I handle things because I don't want to do anything to destroy the friendships that I already have with both of them. One of them I've known since I was 5 and the other I've known since I was a sophomore. They both are great guys but I really only foresee am actual meaningful relationship with one of them. The other I see as one of those relationships that never leads to actual boyfriend/girlfriend status...just a seeing each other type of thing. But maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's the other way around. Which is why I have to see who has the better intentions. I don't want to get hurt and I don't want to hurt anyone.My mom said I'm turning into a whore b/c I just broke up with my last b/f of 8 months and now I'm on to 2 other guys, but it's not even like that. I never expected either of them to like me. And I could see just cause for saying that if I was doing shit with these guys but right now their still just my friends. Neither of them are anything past that. I just want to see where this all goes. B/c I could see myself going out with either of them b/c their both amazingly sweet guys. I hate how my mom trie to butt her way into everything in my life. She has no idea what she;s talking about 99.9% of the time and she makes me want to pull away from her b/c every time I tell her something she throws it in my face or resorts to name-calling. Fuck telling her stuff...if she's going to call me a whore then she doesn't need to be a part of my life. I've gone this long without her...there's no need to tell her anything b/c she twists it around and never understands. But whatever...life's a bitch. I'm finally caught up in art! I finished my last two pieces today so now all I have to do is wait for my teacher to fire them so I can glaze them and have them 100% complete. Now I can actually work on projects that I find interesting as opposed to things that I don't want to make but have to so that I can get a good grade. We get to wear sweats to school tomorrow! Wahoo! I'll actually get to be comfortable at school for once. Oh! and we get to wear slippers! But it's almost 4 so I better get goin for work.:(

    Current Mood: contemplative
    Current Music: PennyRoyal Tea-Nirvana
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